AIBU to expect exDH’s gf to treat me with some respect

[Figtreefalls]

This one might be more for relationships - but looking for some straightforward advice. Hopefully from gfs in this scenario.

I'm the XW. 1 DD with Ex.

He is now in new relationship with someone 15 years younger. They have a 4 month old baby.

the background is my ExH was very emotionally abusive and controlling. The marriage was miserable as a result after I had DD. I kicked him out for an emotional affair- that’s when I realised how emotionally manipulative he had been.

since we split, he has ramped up the vitriol. He has bad mouthed me to all his friends, and I’ve heard through the grapevine that he tells people I am abusive and left him after having an affair. None of this matters to me, as was never very close to his friends. With a few exceptions, they are a bit odd. The nice ones were supportive and kind to me, but obviously have drifted over the years. All my friends and family have been supportive.

I have no doubt that he has told his new gf horrendous lies about me.

anyway, from the start of this relationship he has been trying to push this gf as DDs ‘new mum’. I’m a fairly easy going and secure person and tried to ignore it. But my ex has really pushed it. Making statements about DD spending time with ‘her new Family’.

before meeting her, my DD was with me most of the time ( despite ex having 50/50). He now gets the gf to look after DD while he is working/ away on trips with his hobby.

I’ve said I’d prefer if DC was with me ExH isnt available to look after her. That is DD’s preference- her friends and activities are near me and it means she can continue her usual routine. The Gf says my DD should spend time with her new sibling even when her dad isn’t around. I’m not against this, but at 4 months, the baby and my DD aren’t exactly natural playmates. It means my DDs activities are curtailed because it all revolves around the baby. She doesn’t take her to clubs etc, even though they are weekly commitments.

The gf is young and, frankly, is a bit clueless about how to parent a 10yo kid. She is very kind to DD which I appreciate, but let’s her do stuff I wouldn’t, says daughter is ‘lazy’ because she doesn’t remember to pack all her things for schools, activities. Let’s her lie in bed all day on her phone at weekends.

none of this is life threatening. But I don’t think my DD is a priority in this situation.

I have tried to raise this with GF - saying that if DD’s dad isn’t around, she should respect my wishes that DD should be with me. I’ve never criticised her ‘parenting’ btw.

she has been really chippy in her responses and has accused me of being rude to her. I’ve shown it to my partner, who says I’ve been polite and reasonable, but he points out that she evidently thinks I’m the devil incaranate.

she is also very entitled and seems to think she has an equal say in how to parent my child.

id actually like to have a good relationship with her as it’s in my DDS best interests ( not friends but polite and respectful iyswim)

how can I improve this relationship? And is there any point? AIBU to expect a munch younger woman to have the emotional intelligence to deal with this situation?

I'd feel sorry for her. She will likely end up in the same situation as you were. And try to remember she doesn't know you and only has his opinion of you.

I'd apologise if she feels you came across as rude . Just to try to get things in a positive track.

Going forward I'd ask dd, club us tonight do you want to go or would you rather go dads? No attachment to answer, fine either way. Then if she wants to go club just say dd wants to go club I'll collect at X time or I'll drop her with you after.

You will find as your dd gets older there will be a natural shift as she spends more time with friends.

No. Is that narrative all you took from the reply? Disappointing.

She does have a choice. She can do whatever she'd have done if the GF didn't exist, she can go and pick DD up herself when ex "forgets" and the organisers contact OP, she can go to court.

The gf could block her tomorrow and then what would she do? She isn't a reliable middle man between OP and her ex. She is her exes partner and is not going to side with OP over him, it's unrealistic to think she will.

You’re right- it’s not her problem. But then she keeps getting involved and if she’s looking after my DD against my wishes, then I’m going to contact her.

But why are your wishes the ones she should respect over the wishes of her partner and the child's father?

I am not saying you are wrong to want your daughter with you instead but it's a fools errand to expect his girlfriend to respect your wishes over and above his, her partner and the child's equal parent. Why should your wishes matter to her or be respected by her more than his?

Think about what you are asking of her. You are asking her to go against what she's been asked to do by her partner, a man you say yourself is abusive. Why would she?

This. If she’s stuck in an abusive relationship, then she will be stuck in survival mode. And part of that is this thing where she’s trying to keep him happy even if she’s not happy doing what she’s doing to keep him happy.

It’s refreshing though to hear that you’re not doing the common thing that ex wives seem to do and that’s ram their child down the stepmum’s throat even though the stepmum is already dealing with enough emotional abuse from the father. Lots of mums would sit there smugly at the thought that their ex’s girlfriend is trailing out to activities with her baby and spending all half term looking after the children , as it feels like it’s all done out of “principle” for getting with a man with children. “That’s what you get.” And that sort of thing.

Oops I was meant to quote someone and forgot. 😳

I disagree. The court would not interfere in personal arrangements during contact time for a child that young unless they were dangerous and in this case they are not. If the mother feels that strongly she should go to the expense of taking him to court but I strongly anticipate she would not get a variation and she would would end up liable for costs.

Unless you’ve got right of first refusal written into your agreement, this is correct. My DH and his ex were told at mediation that part of their agreement was organising childcare for their own custodial days and as long as it was safe for their daughter it was up to them.

They started out quite combative and his ex wanted first refusal. Unfortunately she also wanted to send her daughter to her grandparents/auntie/family friends regularly and didn’t realise first refusal would mean my DH got all that contact time. She quickly asked for it to be rescinded. He agreed because he actually thinks it benefits his DD to spend time with other relatives on both sides of her family.

Seven years later and both remarried, they are very amicable and help each other out if the other is stuck, no issues! I would try to work with your ex and his new partner wherever possible - you’re really only a couple of years away from her voting with her feet and preferring her mates to either of you!

It’s not about age here- she just sounds like she’s got a problem with you due to her husband.
i had 3 kids by 27 and wouldn’t have known how to parent an older child that I’d never experienced.
Op I think ou sound reasonable- if Dad is at work and DD is laying around unproductively with his gf then I’d rather have her home too
Id ask to meet with ex husband and look at DDs schedule compared with his work schedule etc and see when it’s best for him to have her and spend QT and more to the point, when DD would rather be home.
If he refuses then go to mediation or court. D Ds wishes will be accounted for in a situation such as this

Another potential issue with first refusal is that he can ask the judge to include his partner in it. As in she won't count as "other" childcare because an argument could be made that it is still in DD best interests to go there because of the sibling.

You should really seek legal advice before definitely going down that route.

Why would she care about your wishes though?

She doesn’t have too. She needs to care about her partners wishes. What you want is irrelevant to her. She’s being nicer then I would of been if you would contacted me arsey all the time because your ex hasn’t turned up and collected the kid and won’t reply back to you.

It’s not her fault you picked a crap dad for your child.

So he got 50:50 so he didn't have to pay maintenance? But then had your dd a smaller percentage than that, until he got his partner to make up the 50% is that right? Seems like this 50:50 to not pay maintenance gets abused a lot. 50:50 was much rarer 20 years ago as far as I remember

@Spirallingdownwards nine of us know all the details of OP's arrangements from her ex. I don't think it's as clear cut as to say the court would not take into account the wishes of a 10 year old child when you consider that's the age for legal responsibility to kick in and the child may well be considered Gillick competent (which has been extend to beyond the files of medical treatment)

Ultimately I think it would be prudent for OP to seek professional legal advice.

@Spirallingdownwards none not nine

As a solicitor I think I can hazard a good guess what order a court may make and I will excuse your misunderstanding re Gillick competence Also if the OP already had first refusal written in to her residence order (which is in fact very rare) I am sure she would have said so and indeed would be saying he is in breach of the court order.

50:50 to avoid maintenance absolutely gets abused.
So does refusing 50:50 because you want maintenance and costing the man thousands in court fees that could have been spent on the child.
Definitely goes both ways and have sadly seen friends and relatives on both sides of this.

@Spirallingdownwards

Is your opinion of my comment based on you being a solicitor in the England and wales currently practicing family law?

If I am incorrect with regard to Gillick please say why and what judgment you're relying on?

Gillick competence is well known to have been as appropriated from the medical world into a lot of other areas of law including family law decision making.

Your wishes don't come into it though. It's up to your ex to decide what happens in his contact time. You need to stop making this into a contest.

Bloody hell. A mothers wishes "don't come into it". How the fuck did we get to a place where some people think a mans girlfriend has more rights to a child than a mother.

I think it’s more that the child has an equal right to both parents who therefore have the say about what happens on their contact time.

A sad fact of divorce is you will not be able to be the parent you want to be 100% of the time, unless the other parent has opted out completely.

My DH is a brilliant Dad. His ex, my stepdaughters Mum, is a brilliant Mum. The way they parent doesn’t always 100% match up and they both do small things that the other disagrees with. Overall though it’s about DSD having a good life with both of them and them agreeing on the big things to ensure consistency. As a step parent I take my cues from that as does her stepdad.

A live in partner or spouse being uninvolved the way some people on MN promote is unrealistic and can cause more harm than good to the child, especially where there are half siblings involved. In my experience there’s a middle ground between stepping back completely and doing all of a a deadbeats parenting for him. The OP, the ex and the new girlfriend just haven’t found what works for them yet, which hopefully they all will for the sake of the child, who is the only person with rights in this situation - children have rights; parents have responsibilities.

Why would she care about your wishes though?

She doesn’t have too. She needs to care about her partners wishes. What you want is irrelevant to her. She’s being nicer then I would of been if you would contacted me arsey all the time because your ex hasn’t turned up and collected the kid and won’t reply back to you.

It’s not her fault you picked a crap dad for your child.

She should care because she's somehow ended up doing more childcare and parenting of OP's child than the child's own father.

If between her and OP's ex they've decided she's on child duty then it is OP's business and she's going to be in touch.

The way to stop that is for new girlfriend to take on the role of "Dad's new girlfriend and additional supportive adult" role instead of a semi-parental one and then new girlfriend and child's father need to sort their shit out and start stepping up to ensure OP's daughter isn't losing out.

What is it with centring the wants of lazy useless fathers over mother's who want what is best for their children's interests?

The Dad isn't always there on his contact time, that's the whole point of the thread. The DD would rather be with her mother when Dad is away but is being forced to spend the time with the girlfriend and not with her available parent who wants her.

I’ve said I’d prefer if DC was with me ExH isnt available to look after her. That isDD’s preference- her friends and activities are near me and it means she cancontinue her usual routine

Also, just to add. I'm a stepmother too and my DSS wouldn't come here if his dad wasn't available, he comes to see his dad, not me. I've helped out in emergency childcare situations to allow his mum to work but only a handful of times over the years.

But as things stand it’s his choice who his childcare is. Of course he should be there, he sounds utterly useless and in this case the DD probably would be just as well being with Mum! But unless she changes that in court or by adding a first refusal clause, the Dad has the right to leave DD with whoever he wants as long as it’s safe.

What is legal and what is right aren’t always the same things sadly. For what it’s worth if the OP was my friend I would advise her to get legal advice on adding a first refusal clause as Dad clearly isn’t interested.

I don't think anyone is saying that.

What they are saying is that technically, whether you, I or OP agree, this child's dad has as much right as the mother to use whatever childcare he likes during his 50% contact. OP can wish all she like but he doesn't have to send DD back and therefore by extension neither does his chosen childcare... his GF.