AIBU to expect exDH’s gf to treat me with some respect

[Figtreefalls]

This one might be more for relationships - but looking for some straightforward advice. Hopefully from gfs in this scenario.

I'm the XW. 1 DD with Ex.

He is now in new relationship with someone 15 years younger. They have a 4 month old baby.

the background is my ExH was very emotionally abusive and controlling. The marriage was miserable as a result after I had DD. I kicked him out for an emotional affair- that’s when I realised how emotionally manipulative he had been.

since we split, he has ramped up the vitriol. He has bad mouthed me to all his friends, and I’ve heard through the grapevine that he tells people I am abusive and left him after having an affair. None of this matters to me, as was never very close to his friends. With a few exceptions, they are a bit odd. The nice ones were supportive and kind to me, but obviously have drifted over the years. All my friends and family have been supportive.

I have no doubt that he has told his new gf horrendous lies about me.

anyway, from the start of this relationship he has been trying to push this gf as DDs ‘new mum’. I’m a fairly easy going and secure person and tried to ignore it. But my ex has really pushed it. Making statements about DD spending time with ‘her new Family’.

before meeting her, my DD was with me most of the time ( despite ex having 50/50). He now gets the gf to look after DD while he is working/ away on trips with his hobby.

I’ve said I’d prefer if DC was with me ExH isnt available to look after her. That is DD’s preference- her friends and activities are near me and it means she can continue her usual routine. The Gf says my DD should spend time with her new sibling even when her dad isn’t around. I’m not against this, but at 4 months, the baby and my DD aren’t exactly natural playmates. It means my DDs activities are curtailed because it all revolves around the baby. She doesn’t take her to clubs etc, even though they are weekly commitments.

The gf is young and, frankly, is a bit clueless about how to parent a 10yo kid. She is very kind to DD which I appreciate, but let’s her do stuff I wouldn’t, says daughter is ‘lazy’ because she doesn’t remember to pack all her things for schools, activities. Let’s her lie in bed all day on her phone at weekends.

none of this is life threatening. But I don’t think my DD is a priority in this situation.

I have tried to raise this with GF - saying that if DD’s dad isn’t around, she should respect my wishes that DD should be with me. I’ve never criticised her ‘parenting’ btw.

she has been really chippy in her responses and has accused me of being rude to her. I’ve shown it to my partner, who says I’ve been polite and reasonable, but he points out that she evidently thinks I’m the devil incaranate.

she is also very entitled and seems to think she has an equal say in how to parent my child.

id actually like to have a good relationship with her as it’s in my DDS best interests ( not friends but polite and respectful iyswim)

how can I improve this relationship? And is there any point? AIBU to expect a munch younger woman to have the emotional intelligence to deal with this situation?

Honestly, you’ve done well to prep her for this. Making sure that our dc love themselves for who they are is one of the best ways we can help them protect themselves. I didn’t want my son seeing his dad as an example of a man. I’d kill him myself if he treated women the way his dad treated me.

likewise your have a Dd, it would kill you to see her how we were. Shrunken and scared and powerless.

Please everyone who is or ever was in an abusive relationship, understand this - men like our abusers bully through fear and weakness. They don’t choose weak insignificant women to tear down, they choose amazingly strong, vibrant and bright women with spark and vim, sadly with a chink in our armour that makes us vulnerable to those kinds of people. We may get beaten down, but we RISE!

How you talk about her in your posts is rude and dismissive so if your tone in texts tk her is the same it is more wonder she thinks you are rude.

She is a grown woman and not some silly girl for you to put down just because your views differ to hers. How your DD is parented when staying at her father's is up to him. If DD does not want to go then I suggest you take it back to court. However I believe that u13 the court would still take the view that contact should be taking place.

I think lots of posts have been unnecessarily harsh to OP. Of course OP is going to be more open and perhaps more blunt with what she thinks when posting on an anonymous forum then when she is communicating wither her ex's partner.

I also don't understand the defence of the new partner which seems to be at the expense of the main focus which is the OP's predicament with her DD.

I really think if OP's daughter feels strongly, I can't see a court forcing contact at least not at the same amount as is currently taking place. It also seems unnecessarily cruel.

I disagree. Your arrangement is with your DDs father, not his new girlfriend, and as usless or difficult as you may feel he is, he is the person that you need to me discussing arrangements with not her.

Yes be cordial if you see her, but don't look to her to make up for his shortcomings. Deal with him, via email.

sunnyday98
I agree with you. It's a shame that so many people seem to think it's fine for a father to outsource his parenting responsibilities to a much younger woman who has a new baby and then stick the boot into the mother who is concerned about the impact of the arrangement on her daughter.

I also think if the new girlfriend wrote a thread outlining this situation, she'd get the boot stuck into her as well.Some posters would also state the obvious that this is a "father opting out of parenting" problem, not a mum/step mum problem.
But I'd be willing to be she'd be told she's not a replacement mother, her step daughter has a mother etc.

He's showing his new girlfriend what sort of father he is. More fool her for thinking it'll be different with her.

Tbf it's crap your ex is dumping his older daughter on his partner, who had a baby four months ago.

Well yeah it is. That's literally what the OP is saying. She wants her DD with her when the ex dumps their DD on his partner.

Well yeah it is. That's literally what the OP is saying. She wants her DD with her when the ex dumps their DD on his partner.

But also it comes up on here SO many times when the second wife has a baby and the ex asks the first wife to have their DC more...and everyone is outraged, and the children should be bonding and it's normal family life and no way can he palm them off...

If the new partner has no beef with it then so be it. When it comes to activities it's just an unfortunate part of life for the children of divorce, not everything can be accommodated.

I think it will be easier for you to deal with the GF if you can find compassion for her. She is young and has trapped herself with an abuser. You know how this is going to play out and when she needs to leave you may be an important ally.

All of this is secondary to your DD, however, who is rightly your priority. I agree wholeheartedly with the pp who have advised you to help her to assert herself and find her voice with her father.

Holly you don’t know anyone, anywhere near enough, to call them a “dumb idiot” and be sure that their relationship will fail.

I’m not sure if this situation resonates with you, but your side comments are distasteful/bitter, and take away from anything useful you had to say.

Of course he wants his dd to be with his gf whilst he’s away doing his own thing, under the guise of building a family unit, because the alternative would be you having your dd the majority of the time, and he would have to pay maintenance. Just pity the poor gf who believes his crap, and has been duped into caring for her whilst your ex leaves her to it. As others have said, ask your dd what she wants. If she would rather spend her time with you than with her dad’s girlfriend and baby, then if he has his dds best interests at heart, he will need to fall in with it.

I just find it so very odd that some children spend time with a step-parent only and not any of their own parents...when one of the parents is available and wanting to have them. It's just so very strange to me.

I have only had my DSC on a handful of occasions on my own over 12 years and it was purely for work purposes to help out both DH and their mum. Why on earth would they come to me when their dad isn't home but their mum is? My own DD would never have gone to her Dads home if he wasn't there. Why would she?

Are you another woman who got with a shit father and thought it was a good idea to have a child with him anyway?

Who does this. If I was called to say my child had not been collected I'd be straight there fetching them and calling their dad on the way to ask why. Your response is very odd. You don't shirk responsibility for your child just because it's their dads day to have them

Your DD should either be with her Dad or with you. If he's not there they should be with you, if it's any amount of time and not be left with GF and baby. Your DD will get to know and bond with sibling as the baby grows up. It's totally unacceptable that you be expected to pass over DD for custody with Dad to find they've been left for long regular parts of the time. I'd ask for a reassessment of maintenance payments and drop the time spent away from you to the days Dad is actually making time to be a parent.

I don't think it's fair to expect her to hand DD over if her partner, the child's dad, is asking her not to. I am not saying he is right for not wanting his daughter to be with her mum instead when he's not around but his girlfriend shouldn't be made into the middle man caught in-between two parents.

At the end of the day she's been asked by the child's father, who's contact time it is, to mind his child until he's back from where ever it is he is, work, hobby whatever (rightly or wrongly). She shouldn't then be guilt tripped into going against what he's asked and letting OP come and take DD when the child's father, her partner, has already expressed not wanting this.

It's not on her to be in the middle of you both. You say he was abusive. He is likely the same to her.

OP needs to use the means available to her I.e. the court system if she feels this schedule is no longer in her child's best interests and leave thr GF out of it.

And no its not up to GF to take DD to activities just because dad isn't around. If dad doesn't care enough to do so, she shouldn't be responsible for caring more than him.

Yes, contact with the father. But in this case he is off doing his own thing leaving her with the gullible accommodating girlfriend. I’m sure any Court made aware of this would agree the choice is down to the child.

Then that's what OP should do. She shouldn't be contacting the GF, it's nothing to do with her. It's not on the GF to "make up" for the fathers failings by either going against what he wants (handing DD back to OP) or running her around to activities with a baby.

OP has options available to her, the courts. She should take it up there and stop involving the GF.

I think if her dad should be there with her during his access time. It's quite bad he's leaving her with someone else. I think it's quite reasonable for you to say, DD needs to be with her father when she's meant to be. Otherwise, she goes to you.

Op has been left with no alternative but to communicate via gf as twatty ex is refusing to respond to her messages. But yep, I’d drag his arse back to Court and get them to agree to less contact time with the ex, seeing that he’s hardly there. So many ex h doing this 50/50 thing when they can’t accommodate it, just to avoid having to pay maintenance.

You sound like a bit of a dick to her tbh.

Condescending and blunt. I’m not surprised she thinks you are rude.

I would of blocked you and told you to stop messaging me when my partner doesn’t reply back to you as it’s not my problem.

Not her gf fault or problem. She still shouldn’t be contacting her.

But also it comes up on here SO many times when the second wife has a baby and the ex asks the first wife to have their DC more...and everyone is outraged, and the children should be bonding and it's normal family life and no way can he palm them off...
Those situations are usually situations where the father has a new girlfriend and new baby so thinks his ex wife should keep the DC more because he's too busy playing happy families with his new partner. Of course no father should say to his children "I've got my new girlfriend and baby so you're a bit of an inconvenience and I'd rather not have to deal with you". That's why people rightly say that he chose to have multiple children and should be looking after all of them.

Here the father wants to appear on paper like he's raising his child but the OP knows he isn't. It's reasonable to expect a child's father to actually parent, but if he's not going to then it's better for the child to have a happy and enjoyable time with their parent who cares than sit around with dad's latest girlfriend so he can not parent and reduce his maintenance.

Yes agreed let's hope the new partner wakes up and sees how the father is treating her like a door mat.

I still think it's ridiculous how the focus of lots of posters is to criticise the Op for her opinion of the new partner not to offer any comment on the situation the poor child is in.

Does this apply to the OP also?

For what it’s worth I think in this case it would be justified but I’ve seen a few Mums ask for this IRL and be horrified when told by solicitor/judge that the right of first refusal works both ways.