AIBU to expect exDH’s gf to treat me with some respect

[Figtreefalls]

This one might be more for relationships - but looking for some straightforward advice. Hopefully from gfs in this scenario.

I'm the XW. 1 DD with Ex.

He is now in new relationship with someone 15 years younger. They have a 4 month old baby.

the background is my ExH was very emotionally abusive and controlling. The marriage was miserable as a result after I had DD. I kicked him out for an emotional affair- that’s when I realised how emotionally manipulative he had been.

since we split, he has ramped up the vitriol. He has bad mouthed me to all his friends, and I’ve heard through the grapevine that he tells people I am abusive and left him after having an affair. None of this matters to me, as was never very close to his friends. With a few exceptions, they are a bit odd. The nice ones were supportive and kind to me, but obviously have drifted over the years. All my friends and family have been supportive.

I have no doubt that he has told his new gf horrendous lies about me.

anyway, from the start of this relationship he has been trying to push this gf as DDs ‘new mum’. I’m a fairly easy going and secure person and tried to ignore it. But my ex has really pushed it. Making statements about DD spending time with ‘her new Family’.

before meeting her, my DD was with me most of the time ( despite ex having 50/50). He now gets the gf to look after DD while he is working/ away on trips with his hobby.

I’ve said I’d prefer if DC was with me ExH isnt available to look after her. That is DD’s preference- her friends and activities are near me and it means she can continue her usual routine. The Gf says my DD should spend time with her new sibling even when her dad isn’t around. I’m not against this, but at 4 months, the baby and my DD aren’t exactly natural playmates. It means my DDs activities are curtailed because it all revolves around the baby. She doesn’t take her to clubs etc, even though they are weekly commitments.

The gf is young and, frankly, is a bit clueless about how to parent a 10yo kid. She is very kind to DD which I appreciate, but let’s her do stuff I wouldn’t, says daughter is ‘lazy’ because she doesn’t remember to pack all her things for schools, activities. Let’s her lie in bed all day on her phone at weekends.

none of this is life threatening. But I don’t think my DD is a priority in this situation.

I have tried to raise this with GF - saying that if DD’s dad isn’t around, she should respect my wishes that DD should be with me. I’ve never criticised her ‘parenting’ btw.

she has been really chippy in her responses and has accused me of being rude to her. I’ve shown it to my partner, who says I’ve been polite and reasonable, but he points out that she evidently thinks I’m the devil incaranate.

she is also very entitled and seems to think she has an equal say in how to parent my child.

id actually like to have a good relationship with her as it’s in my DDS best interests ( not friends but polite and respectful iyswim)

how can I improve this relationship? And is there any point? AIBU to expect a munch younger woman to have the emotional intelligence to deal with this situation?

Not only is she younger and less experienced, she's also probably in the same controlling, emotionally abusive relationship that you were. She's trying to impress him and to keep him happy.

You're not going to get anywhere with her.

For goodness sake don’t use that horrible phrase ever “ss”

I have tried to raise this with GF - saying that if DD’s dad isn’t around, she should respect my wishes that DD should be with me. I’ve never criticised her ‘parenting’ btw.

I think this is where it’s gone wrong. Why have this discourse with the GF? It should be dealt with between yourself and ex-DH, that’s where these agreements should be hashed out, not with a third party new partner.

Yeah I would do that

Then I would tell ExH that he's limited to weekends as long as there are no other activities he can't let her down over.

Oh, OP. This doesn't sound good. Him making his love and care for your DD conditional is at best poor parenting, and at worst abusive. Make a note of her reluctance to tell her Dad how she feels, it might be useful if you do take it to court. It must be really, really hard to watch.
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Is it possible for you to go and collect if he's forgotten her? I might be inclined to do that rather than engage with either XH or SM; if he kicks off, well, they tried to call him...not your problem, but of course you won't leave DD uncollected!

I would echo what others have said with regards to contact when he forgets to pick her up. Don't do it but offer should they be unable to contact him. Though I would add to keep a diary then it's not all on your DD to have to make all the requests. There will be your evidence to support her (and showing the court what a useless father he is) he's playing into your hands OP !!

You yourself said this man is abusive
YOU left him because of his abuse

YOU COULD NOT HANDLE HIS ABUSE... why do you think a 10yo child could?

Sorry for capitals, but you need to see this clearly, if SHE is scared of him and he gets angry if she doesn't do what he wants her to do, LOOK at the lesson she is learning about (a) men, (b) relationships (c) parenting

you think it's hard now? wait til you see her in an abusive relationship because that's what's familiar to her.

You left BECAUSE of his abuse, you saved your child from living in an abusive home. If she is not comfortable, if he is not looking after her or providing adequate care/support for her and she doesn't want to go, she can say no.

YOU have to have the fight with him on her behalf. you are an adult and you do get to call the shots where she is concerned if that is what she wants.

Your DD doesn't need to confront her dad. that is asking too much of a little girl. You have a VERY small window to get this right. She is approaching the time where relationships are going to start.

I’ve tried to encourage her and say her dad will love her no matter what. erm @Figtreefalls he's abusive. You know that this statement is not true. Stop gaslighting her on him.

I'm not saying trash him to her, far from it, but you need to hear her properly and she needs to know what he does isn't how things should be. Age-appropriate truth.

My ds was 5 when his dad left. this is the approach I took and truth between DS and me is really important. He knows I have his back. He knows I care, and he also knows that whatever his dad does in terms of failing him is not a reflection on him.

Sadly, it’s completely up to your ex who he gets to look after your DD when she is in his charge - and vice versa. You’re being patronising assuming that she doesn’t have the ‘emotional intelligence’ because she’s much younger than you.
I’ve just seen how old she is - you make it sound like she’s 18!!!

I don't think the 50:50 set up is serving your DD at all.

I am divorced with a 10 year old DD and an ex who is a decent father, very involved and is always keen to spend time with her. But I am RP as I can meet more of her day to day need. As much as she loves her DF, she 'misses me more' and he recognises this without it being an issue.

I am aware I say this whillst having a fairly reasonable ex (not always the case) but in your shoes I would take this back to court to change the contact pattern, basing it on DDs growing needs rather than making it about your ex - who sounds like an insufferable wanker btw.

This isn't about the GF @Figtreefalls , it is about him and your DD's best interests and evolving needs as she grows.

@CallItLoneliness @MzHz

I completely agree he was abusive to me, but had hoped that he wouldn’t be with DD. He is very much the performance parent/ Disney dad - but it’s the mundane everyday stuff that he can’t be bothered with. ( basically 95% of parenting)

I agree that I shouldn’t gaslight her, but it’s a very fine line between bad mouthing him and trying to be respectful of her relationship with him.

I do think he loves her. I tell her this, but also say her dad doesn’t always make good choices. When she complains about what he’s done, I acknowledge how unfair he has been- I never pretend he’s anything other than a prick.

in an ideal world, I’d limit his contact, but this low level laziness isn’t seen as the abuse it is by the courts.

You only have to look at the case where the mum had to go to court to get her XH’s parental responsibility removed because he was a convicted peadophile! The bar is very high and not taking kids to activities, being late etc is just minimised in court.

my friend was choked by her x in front of her young DD. He then gaslit the DD to say it didn’t happen. Thankfully friend is ok, but her DD’s ‘D’ F still has access. The courts discounted this evidence. The only saving grace is he’s too lazy to do much parenting, but the courts have done little to protect her.

This is awful.

Unkind to@Figtreefalls as many people are abused and controlled and it can take a while to realise, especially if you've not had a solid foundation of an upbringing.

Unkind and unhelpful to the new partner to say about sloppy seconds.

Poor woman? She's not expected to do anything at all. Did you not even read OPs opening post? Bloody hell, it's right there.

I’ve said I’d prefer if DC was with me ExH isnt available to look after her. That is DD’s preference- her friends and activities are near me and it means she can continue her usual routine

WTF is going on in this thread. People are blatantly just making up shit. Is it step-mothers who are projecting? (I'm a step-mother, so no beef)

I can see the GF is in a challenging situation navigating parenting a baby for the first time and also often has a 10 yr old to look after. I think a lot of women would struggle with this at any age and it’s not surprising she misses taking your daughter to activities (not great but not surprising)

Another one who can't even be arsed to read the OP. She's not 'struggling'...OP wants to take her own DD to her activities. The step-mother and father are just being selfish, they'd rather DD miss her activities than allow OP to take her.

If you want to message me at all OP even if just for a handhold then I’m all ears! Going through a similar situation with abusive ex and overstepping gf myself.

Best thing I ever did was have the ‘right of first refusal’ written into our court order. He didn’t stick to it of course, so enforcement action was taken via the courts. Now he understands he has to offer the children to me if he can’t have them for whatever reason. And I feel a lot better knowing they aren’t with an emotionally immature, spiteful human being.

I agree with this. I'll never understand why mothers go out of their way to try and show shit fathers in a positive way. Surely this skews childrens ideas of how to accept being treated in later life?

When they've treated the kid like shit, validate the kids feelings at least. If my ex failed to pick up my DC from school or made them miss their favourite activity several times, no fucking way would I be sugar coating him.

Texting can be a strange way to communicate with someone, as you're finding put.

Why don't you text her saying something like "We seem to have got off on thevwrong foot. Why don't we have a coffee and a chat while the children play."

It's more than likely that your X is playing games. Maybe similar games he used to play on you.

Please don't make an enemy of the poor girl: you'll be playing onto your ex's hands and she's going to need you, possibly in not too long a time.

I feel sorry for you and your dd op, but I think I also feel sorry for the stepmother. She's now going to be on the receiving end of the emotional abuse and lazy lack of parenting that your exh dishes out. I'd say it's possibly even worse for her because of the big age gap - he'll have the upper hand.

I also think it's "fair" that she has no clue how to parent a 10yo. We learn as we go and it must be difficult if the child isn't yours and you haven't been able to learn as you go.

As you say, you have 15 years life experience on her and she has been fed a pack of lies about you - so probably yabu to expect her to treat you with respect.

If the activities are the sticking point, then you could ask her for a coffee and offer to pick/drop your dd to activities from their house.

Yes she IS expected to take the girl to her activities. BY THE USELESS EX.

Nowhere did I say that OP expects her to.

I have tried to raise this with GF - saying that if DD’s dad isn’t around, she should respect my wishes that DD should be with me. I’ve never criticised her ‘parenting’ btw.

It's not really your call to make.

No the father does NOT expect her to take the child to activities...hence why the child doesn't go.

she is also very entitled and seems to think she has an equal say in how to parent my child

I have tried to raise this with GF - saying that if DD’s dad isn’t around, she should respect my wishes that DD should be with me. I’ve never criticised her parenting’ btw

she has been really chippy in her responses and has accused me of being rude to her

Where does OP say it's the father expecting this?

There's always someone who accuses a very reasonable OP of being jealous. Pushing this idea that all women are in eternal competition with each other just makes you look immature, @RedHelenB

Thanks for saying that. My ds is 18 now and back in touch with his dad, but he has the truth and knows he’s loved by us both. Ex HAS let him down on occasions but only with money etc, and actually cancelled the last 3 times they were supposed to meet. DS isn’t affected by this and that was the aim I had.

i didn’t want my son growing up thinking THAT was how a man was or if I lied to him and made excuses for him. I felt that at about the time he’d work stuff out for himself he’d be in his teens and realise I’d lied to him and not properly prepared him for his own path in life.

it FELT better to be authentic and age appropriate truth with him. And I think it’s paid off.

Sounds like you did good work with your son. I expect my useless ex will come prowling soon as DD is getting older now the hard work is done but at least she'll go forward with the truth of what he was all about when she was younger.

I completely agree he was abusive to me, but had hoped that he wouldn’t be with DD. @Figtreefalls thanks for your reply to my post, and I get it, I really do.

your dd IS already scared of him. That’s not normal or healthy

keep telling her that she has a choice and you will back her if she wants to reduce visits for a while

make sure she knows that your her ally and that she has some say in what she does and you will back her.

of course you should have a situation where her dad is responsible, caring and supportive of her and her wellbeing… but that’s never going to happen. He will always put himself first.

even down to not paying any maintenance, he hates women so much he sees paying maintenance for her as money going to you.

Your dd has a say, and so do you. Your superpower here is his laziness. You can say to ex “look, this isn’t working for DD, and it’s not working for her school, they’re really not at all happy that there’s no reliable collection from school, dd has her activities and doesn’t want to miss going to them, so we’ll stop with the mid weeks and anything that means she misses an activity, but she’ll be happy to come for tea on Saturday/whenever”

then if (when) he kicks off, you just grey rock him and say, “this is what is possible atm, her school have expressed concern and I’m addressing it.” Any other crap demands from him are met with broken record “that doesn’t work for us”
and if he’s abusive you just don’t engage at all.

passive aggressive, perhaps, but it works with people like him.

don’t be scared of him. He’s abusive and a bully because he’s WEAK! Not because hes strong. Strong men don’t need to bully/control/belittle.