AIBU to expect exDH’s gf to treat me with some respect

[Figtreefalls]

This one might be more for relationships - but looking for some straightforward advice. Hopefully from gfs in this scenario.

I'm the XW. 1 DD with Ex.

He is now in new relationship with someone 15 years younger. They have a 4 month old baby.

the background is my ExH was very emotionally abusive and controlling. The marriage was miserable as a result after I had DD. I kicked him out for an emotional affair- that’s when I realised how emotionally manipulative he had been.

since we split, he has ramped up the vitriol. He has bad mouthed me to all his friends, and I’ve heard through the grapevine that he tells people I am abusive and left him after having an affair. None of this matters to me, as was never very close to his friends. With a few exceptions, they are a bit odd. The nice ones were supportive and kind to me, but obviously have drifted over the years. All my friends and family have been supportive.

I have no doubt that he has told his new gf horrendous lies about me.

anyway, from the start of this relationship he has been trying to push this gf as DDs ‘new mum’. I’m a fairly easy going and secure person and tried to ignore it. But my ex has really pushed it. Making statements about DD spending time with ‘her new Family’.

before meeting her, my DD was with me most of the time ( despite ex having 50/50). He now gets the gf to look after DD while he is working/ away on trips with his hobby.

I’ve said I’d prefer if DC was with me ExH isnt available to look after her. That is DD’s preference- her friends and activities are near me and it means she can continue her usual routine. The Gf says my DD should spend time with her new sibling even when her dad isn’t around. I’m not against this, but at 4 months, the baby and my DD aren’t exactly natural playmates. It means my DDs activities are curtailed because it all revolves around the baby. She doesn’t take her to clubs etc, even though they are weekly commitments.

The gf is young and, frankly, is a bit clueless about how to parent a 10yo kid. She is very kind to DD which I appreciate, but let’s her do stuff I wouldn’t, says daughter is ‘lazy’ because she doesn’t remember to pack all her things for schools, activities. Let’s her lie in bed all day on her phone at weekends.

none of this is life threatening. But I don’t think my DD is a priority in this situation.

I have tried to raise this with GF - saying that if DD’s dad isn’t around, she should respect my wishes that DD should be with me. I’ve never criticised her ‘parenting’ btw.

she has been really chippy in her responses and has accused me of being rude to her. I’ve shown it to my partner, who says I’ve been polite and reasonable, but he points out that she evidently thinks I’m the devil incaranate.

she is also very entitled and seems to think she has an equal say in how to parent my child.

id actually like to have a good relationship with her as it’s in my DDS best interests ( not friends but polite and respectful iyswim)

how can I improve this relationship? And is there any point? AIBU to expect a munch younger woman to have the emotional intelligence to deal with this situation?

Well, I never saw myself as an extra parent to my step children anyway. They already had two. And she'll gain experience over time. And that was my view of my children's step mum too. I didn't expect her to do it my way /have it all figured out from day one. She's awesome with my children now, she has the energy to do things with them that I don't, and often leaves her little one with a grandparent so she can take one /both of my two out for the day when their dad is working

I think you need to communicate with your DDs dad directly. There is really no need for two women to have to end up at loggerheads if the man in the equation stepped up to his responsibility. Obviously he is reluctant, happy to delegate everything to his young GF, but you don't have to go along with it. If you want DD with you when he's not around, don't tell her, tell him. Similarly if you have particular issues about her care and supervision, he's the parent so anything unsatisfactory is on him, not his GF. Obviously you will be aware that your influence is limited during his time with DD, and there may have to be an acceptance that things won't always be the way you'd prefer, but any attempts to influence should always be direct to him.

”Life experience”? You sound very patronising. Whether it is true or not, if your tone here is similar when you communicate with her I can see why you rub her up the wrong way

You seem to have some history that has made you see things in a weird way. The OP doesn't sound jealous in the slightest.
What parent would be happy with someone with no experience of parenting trying to parent their dc whilst looking after a 4 month old.

It's one thing to be a 29 year old parent of a ten year old when you've brought up the ten year old. It's quite another thing for a 29 year old to know what they are doing when a ten year old is foisted upon them by a lazy man
Esp when the 29 year old is presumably busy trying to learn to be a parent to her own child.

She can't even be arsed to take dd to her activities.

I posted earlier but at this point I'm wondering whether your DD will be confident about sharing her side of things with her dad. Otherwise I'd be tempted to take this back to court and say it's not working and the arrangement needs better definition and a different custody mix, she has a voice now she is 10.

Poor woman. She has a four month old baby (presumably younger when this all started) and she's not only expected to take the step child to activities (while wrangling or having to adjust baby's routine) because the dad is useless, but she's also judged by the other mothers there, who then gossip to you about her.

And yes, messaging is a really abrupt way to communicate. Call her instead when these situations arise, and be warm in your tone .

What I do t really understand is why you are messaging dad or GF anyway. You say that school etc contact you - why doesn’t the conversation go like this?

school: hi is that x’s mum? She’s not been picked up yet
you: I’m sorry, her Dad has custody on Tuesdays, you’ll have to contact him or his GF, let me know if there’s a problem.
school: can’t you contact them?
you: no I’m sorry, I think it’s best if you do so as he is responsible for her today

why are you acting as his reminder service?

YABU.
Dad's time is his and he is able to use childcare during his work the same as any other parent.

The GF, if willing only ever needs to communicate with him. Never you.

What they do and how they parent on their time, short of actually safeguarding concerns, is none of your business.

This, everything on this thread about the stepmother is a red herring

The child doesn't enjoy it over there. Now she's 10 she does have a voice.

Why not go back to court and vary the arrangements?

The latest girlfriend does not need to respect you, or communicate with you.
As PPs have said, communicate only with the shitty man, his contact time is not your concern, just as yours is to him, and your child can choose where she wants to be.

If you have a legally mandated custody agreement you can add what’s called a “first refusal” clause. Basically if your DD can’t be with mum or dad the other parent has first refusal before any other form of childcare is used. I’d be careful though if you want her to spend time with others, like overnights with grandparents etc on your days.

The girlfriend sounds like she’s making questionable choices re. parenting. A big part of my DH and his exWs agreement is built around clubs, friends, my DSDs right to a daily routine. We chose to buy houses relatively nearby (5 min drive apart) so that DSD can continue her usual routine if the adults need to swap days/weeks.

I would stop any and all reference to her age though. You’re in the right but the age references and the vibe of “oh bless, she doesn’t know what she’s doing” sounds patronising and will get everyone’s back up. She’s nearly 30 not 15. Also if other parents from activities mention her to you I’d expect someone of your age to be mature enough not to gossip.

This is not true. 13 is the age where a child could be considered gillick competent

My son refused to see his dad aged 9 and the judge respected his decision

So the other mothers are judging and gossiping with you. Hate that, it's just mean. Are they showing their 'loyalty' by (probably) alienating her and reporting back?

it is stuff like doctors/ school / sports club calling up because kid not picked up/ missed appointment etc
Then they need to call the father and he can sort it out. 🤷‍♀️

What they do in their time is up to them and I'd say you need to step back a bit

Plenty of 29 year olds have no experience of parenting but are able to do it. A bit different than if they're 16. As I've said before, short of abuse or neglect what happens at dad's is no concern of OPs. I'm sure OPs partner provides childcare and Dad doesn't demand that dd goes to his.

Ultimately he is treating her the way he treated you and the relationship wint last long.

You need to make it your daughters decision. "I'm happy to have you stay home but you need to tell your dad yourself." Then keep her home. Let him start mediation.

Editing to add: careful how you play it because in a few years she will be a teenager and he may take the same position and let her stay over more/move in with much more relaxed boundaries on friends/behaviour/homework etc.

You may want to play the long game.

You seem to be fairly obsessed with her age. She’s nearly 30 and no kid. But it’s a major major deal to you. And it’s clearly more than she’s not used to parenting a ten year old.

your daughter should get to chose, and if she prefers to stay with you and go to clubs then tell your ex, and explain it politely.

but you need to accept he’s with a younger woman. Being younger doesn’t make her young or Immature. You talk about her like she’s a teenager.

She can't even be arsed to take dd to her activities

Why the hell should she? She has a 4 month old baby. I have never, and will never, run my DSC round to their hobbies whilst their parents work.

It is the DAD here who is being useless in terms of hobbies and spending time with his DD. OP as the child's mother has the choice of taking this back to court if she's unhappy.

It is NOT the GFs responsibility to run this child around to her activities or whatever else because the dad can't be arsed to parent.

It sucks for DD that this is her father but that is how it is. OP needs to do whatever she needs to do to act in the best interests of her child I.e. mediation, court (even not making DD go at all if she (DD) doesn't want to and letting dad do the court route if he's so bothered). It is not however, the GFs responsibility in any way shape or form.

I totally agree with you as I would hate for my child’s needs not to be met. However, I can see the GF is in a challenging situation navigating parenting a baby for the first time and also often has a 10 yr old to look after. I think a lot of women would struggle with this at any age and it’s not surprising she misses taking your daughter to activities (not great but not surprising). Sounds like her H is not hugely supportive either and just leaves her to crack on with it and she does her best (better than him).

I think you should maybe try to make an ally of her as others have said. Let her know she can call you if she needs you to take DD to an activity or pick her up and it won’t be a battleground. As your daughter gets a little older I think it’ll be easier and clearer for her to voice where she wants to be which sounds like it’ll be mainly with you so maybe this is quite a time limited issue.

You need to step back completely and leave him to it. What he does during his contact time has nothing to do with you. Doctors, school, sports club stuff, tell them to phone him. Stop thinking this nearly 30-year-old is some young, naive girl. She's far from a child. She's just another dumb idiot who willingly shacked up with a lazy man and chose to have a child with him. She'll be on MN in a couple of years complaining about him. Let her get on with it.

Realistically, your DD and the baby aren't going to have a close sibling relationship with a 10-year age gap. She'll probably end up being a handy babysitter for them though. But what's most likely going to happen is she'll stop wanting to go there because there's nothing in it for her.

So stop contacting her. Don't chase him. Completely remove yourself from their lives. She'll soon see the issue is not you at all.

I think people’s comments have been quite mean and you sound like a really reasonable and nice person trying to do your best for your daughter.

I really wouldn’t weaponise contact as some have suggested, unless you are prepared for it to go to court, if you keep her at home when she doesn’t want to go, what if your ex does the same, especially if he is a lazy parent? There may come an age where your daughter prefers to be in bed on her phone all day!

I would, however, try and encourage them to take her to her activities, or take her yourself. Ultimately you need to negotiate all of this with your ex, but try to keep it civil, however hard it might be.

This is an excellent post.

Another angle; if he's abusive to you then he's unlikely to be completely cured now you're separate.

What if he is playing all 3 of you off each other?

He could have her convinced she's not capable of parenting or is overloading her with huge responsibilities whilst being newly postpartum.

She may want your daughter their to prove she's not only capable of 1 child, she could take on more than one.

He's likely to have many many games up his sleeve and you're all puppets dancing to his merry tune if you keep engaging with disputes.

the opposite of love is indifference if he was badmouthing you to his friends he still had a lot of passion left specifically for you

cheating is a deal breaker for sure but no such thing as a clean break in future get to grips with your partner before you fall in deep

if he was emotionally manipulative and controlling I'm sure the younger woman will enjoy being bossed around implicitly it's the whole DDLG sitch. Try not to think of your decaying youth too much and find someone who likes you for you and that includes your emotional needs

you are not an unconditional lover and that is more than okay that is something to be proud of set your boundaries and stick to what you're comfortable with