Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws come most months to stay for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this isn’t enough.

297 replies

BrainAddled · 07/04/2024 22:47

In-laws come down from up north about once a month/every six weeks and stay in our house for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this is not enough and wants us to go there every school holiday that he has time off and gets all cold with me when I don’t want to (the kids don’t want to go which is the main reason). I don’t want to get into it all but they are not easy people to get on with-they challenge and question everything anyone does and upset me and the kids every time we see them. I tell my hubby this and he says ‘sorry about that’ but expects me to carry on as normal. I know he resents me because I don’t want to see them even more, which I think is unreasonable and make me feel sad. Any thoughts? How often and for how long do you all see your in-laws?

OP posts:
0sm0nthus · 08/04/2024 12:37

His ideal situation that they would be here as much as possible- he doesn’t even like asking them how long they are staying for as he feels it should be open ended, as they are his parents.
its always been like this

This seems weird and extreme. I could understand it if he was from a traditional culture where people lived in extended family setups (even then it would be incompatible with modern living and I would want to change it)
I suspect it's not worth trying to have a conversation about it because he must be in denial, surely and will just make excuses for them or spin things
Action speak louder than words, all of the extra work involved in his parents being there needs to be completely on HIS shoulders. Stop doing anything at all to facilitate their being there. Don't explain yourself or comment or be drawn into conversations about it, just down tools and stop doing anything.

It sounds as if his parents see you and the children as an inconvenience that prevents them from spending the time that they should be spending with their little boy.

NotLoud1 · 08/04/2024 12:46

1 hour a week is enough

MrsSlocombesCat · 08/04/2024 12:52

PickAChew · 07/04/2024 22:53

If he wants to stillive with mummy and daddy, he needs to bugger off back to them.

This.

ChangeAgain2 · 08/04/2024 13:09

I love my parents and I wouldn't want to see them that much. I think 1 week every 3 months is plenty.

If you husband wants to see his parents he can always visit with them.

When they are coming I'd make their entertainment and accommodating them his responsibility. He can make a strip the beds, clean there room ect. I imagine more you shift the work onto him the less he'll push.

I agree they are his family as well. However, you need to make memories and do things as a nuclear family as well. He shouldn't sacrifice his relationship with his wife and kids for his relationship with his parents.

Itsanothermanicmonday · 08/04/2024 13:12

I thought the guests and fish saying was only two days my tolerance levels must be low.

He needs to grow a pair or you do.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 08/04/2024 13:12

Aspergallus · 08/04/2024 12:29

You aren't his chattel. You are an independent human being and you can make choices about where you go and what you do. If you don't like visiting them, don't go. And as far as them coming to your home, this is something he should be negotiating with you and finding compromise on, unless he somehow believes he is the boss of everything. At this frequency I would be suggesting that they stay in a B&B close by, and I'd go about my day to day life as normal, perhaps just joining everyone with dinner. If it is an absolute must that they come and stay, I would limit it to a max of 3x 5day visits a year including all major holidays. As others have said, if he wants to spend more time with them that's his choice and doesn't have to involve you. You married him, not your in-laws, and there's absolutely no compulsion for you to spend time with people you find challenging to be around.

Set out your stall-
You won't be visiting them with him.
They can come to your home x number of times a year for a max number of days.
And let him explain to you exactly why you should be compelled to do anything more. The above is enough compromise, after all you'll be accommodating his visits to them by caring for DC on your own, and having people you wouldn't choose to invite 3 x a year; it's enough.

And by the way, I wouldn't be doing the "hosting". If there is cleaning, shopping, cooking to do for visits; it's his to do.

This! I was coming on to say similar to this but Aspergallus said it so much better. They are interfering in your lives already and it’ll get worse when the kids grow older and the in laws become even less intolerant and more demanding.

Caroparo52 · 08/04/2024 13:13

Way too intense especially if ilaws are difficult. Doesn't sound like Dh has your interests as his No 1 priority. Once a term sounds plenty. He can sail solo if so desperately needs to see them. Sounds a bit odd imo.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 08/04/2024 13:17

From the in-laws point of view I am boggling. Do they not have friends? Things to do in the house or garden? Holidays they want to go on that DON'T include sitting around with their offspring? Any kind of life at all? It sounds as though their whole life revolves around their next visit to you, as much as yours revolves around trying to avoid it.

No real solutions other than to try to persuade them to join some clubs or something, anything, that means they have an interest other than coming to visit.

LookItsMeAgain · 08/04/2024 13:59

It's time to start rocking that boat!

Put your foot down - your kids don't want to see their grandparents or relatives as often as this so if not for your own peace of mind, do it for theirs.

When he spouts the "They're family too" tell him that when he married you, he made YOU his primary family and his parents and other relatives became his secondary family. They are welcome to stay but only when you BOTH agree that they can come to stay. It's not a unilateral decision needed here, it's a joint one. It should work for both sides of the family too. Start arranging things for the kids to do that will clash with when his parents want to visit and make sure that they can't be rescheduled.
Don't make yourself available.
If you wanted to, you could invite some friends to stay and say "Oh that's a pity, I wish you would have asked me before telling your parents they could visit again so soon. I've already asked X for a visit and I haven't seen them in ages. You'll have to tell your parents they will have to either stay elsewhere on this occasion or reschedule their trip for a few months time".

lovescats3 · 08/04/2024 14:09

Don't do any cleaning, shopping or cooking for them tell him in advance he has to do it all and when they come take yourself and the kids out at various times, it's time for mummy's boy to grow up

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 08/04/2024 14:11

Hmm - I think there is something to be explored here while acknowledging it feels way too much. Both side of the family are widowers but I don't visit my side more than 1-2 a year and on DH's side they are close enough not to have to stay over.

Are they now at an age where coming to you every month is becoming a struggle? [irrespective of duration of stay]. If you've had a pattern of monthly visits throughout your marriage then perhaps there is something to be gained by going in the other direction. A two day visit to them every other month might be a way to wind things back gradually instead of 5-7 days at yours?

Practically speaking, the kids will be in school so 2 days is likely to be the limit most of the time. Plus an elderly couple hosting an entire family for longer is exhausting.

Does your DH want you to go there because he is nearing retirement age, is nostalgic, wants his kids to spend time in his home town/village and show them things he used to do. All things he can frankly do without you giving you a break from domestic drudgery or producing meals etc in someone else's home. Again, I'd make the first visit, have to work for a second, etc etc. The frequency with which he wants to visit is likely to have a linear correlation to how much he has to do when he is there on top of what is usually a lengthy list of DIY activities the average grandparent has lined up for a visit.

Or is he just very close to his parents and if so, he's welcome to visit them as much as he likes but is deeply unreasonable to expect his whole family keep him company every time to the detriment of their own lives

Nanny0gg · 08/04/2024 14:12

BrainAddled · 08/04/2024 09:53

His ideal situation that they would be here as much as possible- he doesn’t even like asking them how long they are staying for as he feels it should be open ended, as they are his parents.
its always been like this.
Thanks so much everyone. I sometime feel like I am going mad and IABU.

So what are you going to do?

(Beware them moving to live with you)

Rosscameasdoody · 08/04/2024 14:18

If this isn’t a wind up I’m genuinely sorry for you. It sounds as though you don’t have much say in what’s happening in your own home, and you need to change that. Put your foot down OP - tell him that it’s too much already and if anything you need to see less of them. A weekend every month would still be too much for me, never mind a full week !! Tell him he appears to be prioritising his parents over you and his kids, and ask him why that is. His answer should tell you everything you need to know, and as they say on MN, ‘no’ is a complete sentence. Sorry, edited to say that as another poster has succinctly said, if he wants to spend so much time with mummy and daddy, he can bugger off back home and live with them. It doesn’t sound as though he’s cut the apron strings - they’re clearly made of elastic.

Eddielizzard · 08/04/2024 14:28

Does your DH help out or are they all expecting you to bust a gut?

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/04/2024 14:47

NotLoud1 · 08/04/2024 12:46

1 hour a week is enough

@NotLoud1

is it? Says who?

some people actually like their parents and in laws

people can be so anti social on mumsnet 🤣

Mudflaps · 08/04/2024 14:48

Seriouslynonono · 08/04/2024 09:54

Show your hubby the poll!

I'd show him the door instead. No way would I accept that amount of visiting (invading seems a better description) from my inlaws or my own family. And the husband wanting to spend all holidays with them instead of with his wife and children, it'd be divorce and let him off to live with his parents sooner rather than later. I wonder how much effort he'd put into seeing his children if divorced?

GreyTonkinese · 08/04/2024 14:57

I know people say all sorts of weird things they wouldn't really have the guts to say but I really would tell the in laws that they are rude and overstaying their welcome. Tell your husband if he doesn't like it, he can leave with them. Say that the children don't like them, don't want to spend time with them and certainly not every school holiday. You might lose your marriage over it but it's a lot better than them moving in permanently with you doing all the donkey work as they get increasingly infirm and your children leaving home as soon as they can to get away from them. I presume they are mid seventies or so. Do not under any circumstances move closer to them.

RosyappleA · 08/04/2024 15:06

OP can you do your own thing like take the kids away for half-terms etc and he can go see them himself? Plan stuff around what the kids want to do.
This is too much imo (even if I liked my in-laws) it is disruptive when you are used to living separately. This is what I will do with my daughters. My MIL won’t even help herself to a glass of water when she is here and expects me to bend over backwards for her when she has never even cooked for us once at hers, or even thought to help with her nieces. She lies and manipulates so I don’t have the same respect for her.
Ask the kids what they want to do and just enjoy them. Soon the kids will see for themselves and will do their own thing busy with life, exams etc. Your OH needs to grow up.

HarpieDuJour · 08/04/2024 15:27

I have no wise advice, but I'd put money on him having a secret plan to either move next door to his parents, or for you all to live together and you care for them in their declining years.

tattygrl · 08/04/2024 15:30

This is insane.

OP, why don't you show him some of the replies here? This is absolutely untenable and I'd be at my wits' end. I couldn't live like that. I'd want my own independent life with my family, not to be hosting/visiting all the time. Exhausting.

Terrribletwos · 08/04/2024 15:39

This is indeed odd.

What is your husband's explanation for wanting them to visit so often and with no end time? And what are their reasons for visiting so often?

You're not being unreasonable in wanting less visits? What does your husband say when you say it's too much?

Wel · 08/04/2024 16:34

Are you non Anglo Saxon? I’m Mediterranean and could see people in principle not having an issue with this. No one does anywhere near in practice though.

ChristmasFluff · 08/04/2024 16:49

Why do you care so much what he thinks, when he clearly does't give a shit about your thoughts or feelings? Or the kids either?

Send him back to live with them permanently!

DoodlesMam · 08/04/2024 16:55

Jeez once a year is fine. I'd have to move out!

azlazee1 · 08/04/2024 16:59

A week every month and DH wants more? He needs to cut the cord with his mummy and start being a husband and father to his own family. I could not do what you're doing - I'd be ready to pack a bag and head to a hotel. Why does every vacation have to be with his parents. Don't you deserve a vacation with just you hubby and kids? Tell him this has to stop. Maybe switch to a weekly visit once every quarter? If he refuses to listen, suggest you both get counseling. If he refuses to make any adjustments I would seriously reconsider my marriage and the angst these monthly visits cause. I would guess 3 out of 4 weeks each month you're upset. The anticipation week, the actual visit, and the resentment week following. I would be so resentful.