In-laws come most months to stay for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this isn’t enough.

[BrainAddled]

In-laws come down from up north about once a month/every six weeks and stay in our house for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this is not enough and wants us to go there every school holiday that he has time off and gets all cold with me when I don’t want to (the kids don’t want to go which is the main reason). I don’t want to get into it all but they are not easy people to get on with-they challenge and question everything anyone does and upset me and the kids every time we see them. I tell my hubby this and he says ‘sorry about that’ but expects me to carry on as normal. I know he resents me because I don’t want to see them even more, which I think is unreasonable and make me feel sad. Any thoughts? How often and for how long do you all see your in-laws?

Why can't he just facetime them with the kids more often instead?

Is he dismissive of your feelings in other areas of your life?

Sounds like him and his parents have unhealthy boundaries and are enmeshed.

Perhaps relationship counselling would help you improve your communication?

Not a cultural thing at all.
Only know one of my parents, and my wonderful mum died.

His ideal situation that they would be here as much as possible- he doesn’t even like asking them how long they are staying for as he feels it should be open ended, as they are his parents.
its always been like this.
Thanks so much everyone. I sometime feel like I am going mad and IABU.

Show your hubby the poll!

DH has 2 other siblings with kids. When his DBs kids were young, MIL lived close by but saw them about once a month, his own PILs a bit further away but more hands on so saw them slightly more often.

When DHs sister had kids she persuaded her mother to be free childcare so she was there for a fortnight every month. They didn’t live near where she lived then.

Our DC is the youngest grandchild. When he was small we saw her at Christmas, Easter and in summer. At Easter we usually went to a holiday cottage with her.

I think it’s about finding the balance that suits you best. My parents lived nearby so we saw a bit more of them as a family and the DC and I would often see them on days off.

This is insanity. Threads like this will often contain the protestation: 'but you don't actually LIKE them, do you?', as though this is a requirement and the OPs are terrible people for not meeting it.

My mum and I were about as close as any mother and daughter could be and voluntarily spent a lot of time together. But this would be too much even for us.

It's the sense of obligation - a certain thing must be done at a certain time and a certain quota of days met - that would really rankle and be like a ball and chain around the ankle. Your life wouldn't feel like your own.

Your husband is the problem. He needs to be told to get a very large, very fast grip.

My goodness, OP, how on earth have you been putting up with this for so long? This is NOT normal and your DH is being completely unreasonable. Show him this thread, then tell him you've had enough. You either negotiate a reasonable compromise - without any guilt tripping from him or his parents - or you divorce.

And I bet when they come, you have to do all the prep, bed changes, food preparation, shopping for their meals etc? I’d stop all that and make it less comfortable for him and them to come. Also, who gets displaced when they come? Do you have a massive house? That’s something else I would tackle-kids shouldn’t have to move rooms (nor should you).

Suggest they stay elsewhere, see how that goes down. Tell him the kids don’t want them so frequently and if he won’t listen, oh dear, you’ve organised something for every night this week that involves them being out!

I would just say no, now the kids are older, they don’t want to see them so often, they have lives/friends/activities. I certainly would refuse to go up during holidays, kids have stuff to do! Ask him who he’d rather upset-seems to be you currently.

I see my in laws once a year - sometimes twice. 5 days at most. My own parents - they have been twice and stayed for two months (they are from another continent)

You're not going mad. This isn't healthy, OP, and you know it. Having people to stay in an ordinary UK house for more than two or three nights is really stressful. For everyone. There's an old saying: guests, like fish, go off after three days. It's true and it's why I never, ever, stay with anyone for more than a couple of nights and why I never agree to accommodate people for any more than that.

How is the marriage generally? Is this is a new thing or has he always been like this? Is he suffering from anxiety or something similar? What are his parents saying to him privately about your marriage or the way you live? What messages are they sending him that he would apparently prefer to be with them rather than you? Is he seeking to distance himself? To be honest, if he can't compromise on this I would be wanting to see a couples counsellor and bracing myself to end the marriage. You married him, not his parents.

It's too much.

And I imagine it's not too much for him as you probably do most of the heavy lifting to accommodate their regular 'visits'.

Stop doing it. Tell him he'll have to sort the extra cleaning, washing and cooking going forward as you already to more than your fair share at home.

And I'd also be clear you're not going to spend every moment of your holiday time with his family as that's not a holiday for you. Might be for him if he doesn't have to lift a finger, which it sounds like he doesn't since his response is that he'll go without you, dumping yet even more of everything else on you at home/with children, but it's not for you.

I'm really sorry about your mum. I wonder if that loss is colouring your approach to this? It is still valid for you to have firm boundaries, especially for your poor children, however much you respect his desire to be with his parents. I had a great relationship with my Mum but no way she would want a situation like this. It is not healthy for a 50 year old man! I hope this thread gives you strength to start putting you & your children first.

So sorry to hear that. So did mine, at far too young an age.

When in-laws make your life even more difficult in these circumstances, it does tend to make it all the more painful. It seems to amplify that loss.

I used to be in a not-dissimilar position, so I truly empathise. Now NC.

This is mad and your husband is being willfully unreasonable. I hope you find the strength to put a stop to it right away. I agree with pps saying you need to address this inbalance and craziness in your relationship, as a matter of urgency. If it can't be put right, I don't know how this can be called a marriage.

You need to scale the visits right back, down to maybe two nights every two months, for example, and he needs to back the fuck off of you with his silly demands.

Can the compromise be that they rent an Airbnb near you for their stays??? The problem with long frequent visits is that everyone gets in everybody’s face and it becomes not fun.
also, I guess you are doing the extra work that comes with hosting, so if he doesn’t want them to stay elsewhere then he better be the person doing all the pre stay prep and during stay cooking and feeding and tidying and hosting
also he should stand up for you when they criticise you, sounds atrocious

I think the current arrangement is far too much and I would find it unbearable.
What would tip you over the edge and force you to leave? Are you at that point yet?
He cares more about his parents’ feelings than yours or the children’s. That’s not right or ok.
You can’t sacrifice your own happiness for his neediness or feeling of obligation to his parents. I think you need to say to him that out of everyone living in the house, he is the only one who enjoys the current set up, everybody else is on edge or upset by it. You married him, not his parents, and don’t want to spend as much time with them as him. If he wants to see them as much as he does then he can stay with them.
I would probably add that if his parents weren’t so fucking unpleasant and if he stood up to them about the way they spoke to you then you wouldn’t be having this conversation!

FYI I think a normal amount for grandparents to come over is for something like a roast dinner and bit of telly on a Sunday.

Dear Lord, I would consider 5 to 7 days per year to be too much - and that's either parents or in laws. You have my sympathy, OP.

Who does all the extra work when you are hosting his parents for 5-7 days each month?

And do you have any family left that he makes an effort with?

Its mad, say "no" and book the DC in for activities scattered across their holidays leaving the odd gap if you want it for DH to take them if they wish to go. How old are the DC and what is their relationship with the DGP? If they are on edge around the grandparents then as they get older they will resist going.

I'm so sorry about your mum.
It's great he had a good relationship with his parents and wants to see them.
But his primary relationship is with you and your children. He should be making sure that your are all as comfortable with their visits, and if you are not (which you clearly aren't), then he needs to discuss this and agree what you can all tolerate.
It should not be a one sided thing, your are all residents in this house, this is your home, he needs to respect all your wishes!

I think this would be worth unpicking with a Relate counsellor or similar.

There's obviously something going on psychologically here. If you have more idea what, you can decide what to do.

The stand out part for me is they are not even pleasant to you!

There’s your problem: you married a man-baby. Sadly, there are a lot of them about. My ex would still be living at home if he could, and spends every free minute with his DPs while doing f- all with our DC because he wants to be a big baby himself 🤮

I think you need to be clear and firm. Tell him he can visit them himself but it’s not normal for a grown adult to be so enmeshed with his parents. Also, try to get him involved with other interests and friends and then maybe he’ll begin to realise what grown-ups do.

How did he end up down south? Did he move to study and plan was always kove back? Or did he move/stay for your relationship? Or was he happy and this is relatively new thing that came with parents getting older or having kids?

Can he go visit them more frequently with the kids?

I'm just projecting since I'll likely have to relocate. So currently I can visit family for an evening or for lunch and it is very easy for partner to wither skip or he has to suffer for a short time. In the future the visits have to be long and he will struggle. But I feel like to an extent you have to accept it. But one week every month is a lot. So I feel like there are room for compromise and one solution is that he visits by himself. Parents stay in hotel. You make plans for sometimes they visit.

Also, AIBU is a weird place about visitors, in laws and families. So please also use other sources and people to talk with. I knce read a thread where husband was a mamas boy cause he wanted to fly to visit family more than once every 5 years.

Honestly, DH feels this with his parents I think. It's not practical as we don't really have the space, but when they are here, here's why it's bearable for me:

1 they don't expect to be waited on hand and foot
2 Dh does a lot (vast bulk) of the work - he preps rooms, makes sure they are comfortable, spends time with them, drives them around etc.
3 they love DC and are not judgemental

And it STILL sometimes feels like too much.

FYI I think a normal amount for grandparents to come over is for something like a roast dinner and bit of telly on a Sunday.

that only works if they’re local.