In-laws come most months to stay for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this isn’t enough.

[BrainAddled]

In-laws come down from up north about once a month/every six weeks and stay in our house for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this is not enough and wants us to go there every school holiday that he has time off and gets all cold with me when I don’t want to (the kids don’t want to go which is the main reason). I don’t want to get into it all but they are not easy people to get on with-they challenge and question everything anyone does and upset me and the kids every time we see them. I tell my hubby this and he says ‘sorry about that’ but expects me to carry on as normal. I know he resents me because I don’t want to see them even more, which I think is unreasonable and make me feel sad. Any thoughts? How often and for how long do you all see your in-laws?

What you haven't specified is how your DH behaves while they're here? I think this is probably too much anyway, but I know people whose parents/in laws do spend this much time with them. But it's usually because it's mutually beneficial - childcare, other household tasks etc. And one person isn't feeling hard done by as a result.

MIL used to stay with us for lengthy periods (lots of complicated reasons, no longer relevant now). Mostly it was fine. But I did have to have a word with DH at one point because his mother had got a bit demanding of his time and our DC were suffering - he'd be doing something with/for them and have to abandon it as he felt obliged to rush to help her with something. And it happened a lot. Being a good man, he realised what I was saying and, for example, if his mum asked him to help her with her computer he'd say, "I'll help you a bit later mum when DS and I are finished our football game" or whatever.

How often do your side of the family stay? Perhaps invite a family member each month for 5-7 days for the next couple of months. See how he likes it.

But that’s too much effort. Just tell him they can come to visit for up to a week, twice a year and anything beyond that, he will have to visit them himself.

Urm no. I hate having people to stay. My in laws are both gone now but I only see my mum every couple of weeks for a few hours.

Is he an only child?
Is he out working while they are there?
Do you work/work from home?

If he has siblings, do they move in with them for a week at a time every month?

I’d be concerned that PIL will look to move in permanently especially if something/ill health were to happen to one of them.

Do they help when there or do they sit back for you to wait on them?

Ultimately your kids shouldn’t feel on edge when they are in their home though. My priority would be the kids are comfortable and PIL have to fit around them. What ages are the children? Can they invite friends around? Take over the tv to game etc? Eat beige food all the time? Play loud music? Generally make PIL less uncomfortable and more eager to escape home.

h. I knce read a thread where husband was a mamas boy cause he wanted to fly to visit family more than once every 5 years”

oMg really?! That’s shocking!!

I don't know about everyone else but I already find that it's a real battle to get enough leave with my child during school holidays. There isn't enough allowance to take annual leave for all her school holiday. I can't usually get more than 2 weeks off in summer and other holidys it's scanty. There's no way I'd be giving up this precious quality time with my kids for grown adults who should be emotionally mature enough to stay out of each others arses. And no way would I let said adult invade my family home for a quarter of every month either unless my kids genuinely enjoyed their company and they were actually helping out with the day to day madness of school runs etc. YANBU OP. If manchild wants to see his parents he could sod off back to them. That's what I'd say if it was my DH. It's posts like this that make me glad that our in laws who only live up the road can't stand us and ignore us for 99.9% of the year 🤣

I follow the old saying about houseguests - like fish, they start to stink after 3 days. I couldn't have stood my own parents in the house for days on end, never mind my ILs.

Next time they come, take yourself away for a mini-break OP.

Slightly different but suppose they are my DH's In laws, but my parents visit once every 6 weeks ish and stay for 2-3 days. They come to see my kids (2 and 7 years) mainly. Usually taking the youngest for a day out and then seeing my eldest that weekend when he isn't in school.
We don't have a spare room as such - they are on a pull out in the office - so we have to arrange the fri or mon to be in the office (my DH works mainly from home).
But if my parents made my DH and kids feel like you do I would reduce the frequency.

My in laws are from up north too. They come to visit us every 6 weeks or so but stay in a hotel for 3 nights. We then visit up there about one week a year as we need the rest of annual leave to go on our own holidays and for Christmas etc.
This is more than enough for me to be honest! I like them but value my time with just my immediate family (DH and DS).

Would you ever consider doing the reverse to him op?
So someone him and and your kids don't like being around and you have them to stay regardless this often.
No. Thought not.

I follow the old saying about houseguests - like fish, they start to stink after 3 days.

I think it depends who they are tbh.

Frankly it sounds like hell. I wouldn't even want my own parents staying that often or that much.

Why did your DH ever leave home?

Okay, it wasn't phraised like that😅 I added some spice.
If I recall correctly they were about to move somewhere far away. Maybe australia. The husband was worried about leaving his parents behind. Some commenter didn't really understand cause he could easily still see them like every every five years. This was some years ago. But it stuck with me.

There was another one about how often you visit Your parents. One poster said she was close with her family but only visited her family few times a year eventhough they lived in the same time. Cause why bother.

On a broader point, MN is a great place. But sometimes posters are far away from my own reality and often those topics are about visitors. And obviously everyone is differnet blaablaa but this might not always be the best place for advice in all topics.

Nope nope nope.
A 2 night rule for people who like us. In-laws who hate me don’t stay. If they want to come for a week every month then they stay at a hotel.

So unbelievably sad your DH would rather spend time with his parents than your kids who are being made to feel uncomfortable in their own home. That is one sure fire way to make them distance themselves at an early age and not want to spend time with you and leave home.

I would be tempted to start to mirror your ILs' behaviour to you and the children back to your husband.

If they are difficult and intrusive and put you on edge, I would do the same to him when they are present.

My MIL is generally very nice, but she can say some very pointed, judgemental and annoying things sometimes, and I've started repeating them back aimed at her and my DH which has cut down on the frequency of them.

I disagree.
Anyone staying one week every month is too much for anyone other than the person directly related to them. It is terribly unfair on the spouse and children.

I agree that this man is enmeshed with his parents, or in other words he has not properly separated from his family of origin. He feels the need to constantly appease and placate them, and he is in denial about their unpleasantness towards him and his family.
I'm not sure what the best way forward is. I would be completely pissed off and refuse to engage with them at all. I absolutely would not tolerate their behaviour, in fact I'd probably deliberately wind them up and make enemies of them🤷🏼‍♀️

@justlonelystars

This is more than enough for me to be honest! I like them but value my time with just my immediate family (DH and DS).”

I don’t get this. You see your husband and son day in day out week on week cos you live with them!

oh and I would argue that parents and in laws are immediate family… neither you nor your son would be here without them afterall

@0sm0nthus
I'd probably deliberately wind them up and make enemies of them🤷🏼‍♀️”

why on earth would you do that?

I find it's best to fight fire with fire.

@LuckySantangelo35 I work full time, as does my husband. Weekdays are a flurry of getting DS out of the door, then picking up from nursery for bath and bed and after that husband and I are often too tired to do anything other than crash out in front of the tv. We are in the thick of it in terms of his age needing lots and time and attention and I’m pregnant too boot - I am bloody tired. Weekdays definitely don’t constitute quality time with my family.
Weekends are lovely - we take him to football, we go for walks, we go to the zoo/aquarium/farm, we have nice lunches out etc. We do those things whilst the in laws are down too but I am an introvert by nature and enjoy time to myself with my husband and son. I find myself very tired after a weekend with the in laws as there’s no time for me to “switch off”. Everyone’s different and that’s just what works for me! I can’t understand people that constantly have to surround themselves with people and noise, but everyone’s different so live and let live.
My own parents live down the road and I see them frequently but for about 30 mins - 3 hours depending on the situation.

That would drive me to divorce. Hope you aren't hosting them, changing bedding or feeding them.

Start being rude/assertive when they are questioning you, stop making their visits pleasant.

It sounds as though your OH hasn't accepted that he is now an adult.

I also think it's odd that his parents accept visiting so much.

Just having an extra person (who you don't want) in your house is exhausting

You aren't his chattel. You are an independent human being and you can make choices about where you go and what you do. If you don't like visiting them, don't go. And as far as them coming to your home, this is something he should be negotiating with you and finding compromise on, unless he somehow believes he is the boss of everything. At this frequency I would be suggesting that they stay in a B&B close by, and I'd go about my day to day life as normal, perhaps just joining everyone with dinner. If it is an absolute must that they come and stay, I would limit it to a max of 3x 5day visits a year including all major holidays. As others have said, if he wants to spend more time with them that's his choice and doesn't have to involve you. You married him, not your in-laws, and there's absolutely no compulsion for you to spend time with people you find challenging to be around.

Set out your stall-
You won't be visiting them with him.
They can come to your home x number of times a year for a max number of days.
And let him explain to you exactly why you should be compelled to do anything more. The above is enough compromise, after all you'll be accommodating his visits to them by caring for DC on your own, and having people you wouldn't choose to invite 3 x a year; it's enough.

And by the way, I wouldn't be doing the "hosting". If there is cleaning, shopping, cooking to do for visits; it's his to do.