In-laws come most months to stay for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this isn’t enough.

[BrainAddled]

In-laws come down from up north about once a month/every six weeks and stay in our house for 5-7 days. Hubby thinks this is not enough and wants us to go there every school holiday that he has time off and gets all cold with me when I don’t want to (the kids don’t want to go which is the main reason). I don’t want to get into it all but they are not easy people to get on with-they challenge and question everything anyone does and upset me and the kids every time we see them. I tell my hubby this and he says ‘sorry about that’ but expects me to carry on as normal. I know he resents me because I don’t want to see them even more, which I think is unreasonable and make me feel sad. Any thoughts? How often and for how long do you all see your in-laws?

You need to stand up for yourself and not let them treat you badly without you challenging it. I’m assuming your husband does his fair share when they visit, if not that needs to change. You don’t need to change your life when they are visiting so you have the minimum impact possible.
I don’t see a problem with your husband wanting to see his parents every 6 weeks, I saw mine weekly and now they have both passed I wish I had seen them more. You just need to find a way to let it happen but with minimal disruption to you

I'm sorry if this is distasteful, but I'd be so worried about my future situation when one of his parents dies.

I think you need to have a hard conversation now.

How much time does he spend with them or does he leave it to you and children.
I think some men think you have married their family and that’s it. I think DH thought it was some benefit for me to spend long periods of time with his parents, it wasn’t.

I think this won’t improve unless you push back. Personally I’d be saying this is a breaking point. I’d say no to holidays at theirs and stop being helpful when they come, in fact I’d be going out a lot when they came. If you can muster up the strength id say going forward you want the visits to reduce greatly, neither you or the children enjoy it, he can go and see them whenever he wants, but you don’t want them in your house this much anymore.

It sounds very oppressive.

Wow your husband should be grateful for the MASSIVE amount of time you already spend with the in laws. I see my DH family maybe 2 or 3 times a year for 2 days each time. They are approx 3hrs drive away and I have ZERO intention of spending any more time with them than that.

I couldn’t live like that, I don’t even think that’s ‘normal’ even one weekend a month would feel too much. Tell him to go to them instead on his own.

Fuck me I couldnt think of anything worse. I'd definitely be chucking mesen off the nearest viaduct

OP I’m sorry you’ve lost your Mum
As for your DH I couldn’t cope with him or his parents I have a good relationship with my MIL we speak on the phone a few times a week and she lives local we don’t see each other often due to work but I wouldn’t want her staying with me every 3 weeks for a week I think it’s awful that you and your DC feel so uncomfortable when they visit and there’s not a chance I would have them criticising my parenting or how I do things I don’t allow my own mother to do that would it be possible for you and the kids to go away the next time they visit be totally honest with DH and tell him you can’t spend another week been told off and feeling uncomfortable in your own home.
Good luck OP

Why are you still married to him?

This would have had me running away screaming

My in-laws live 15 mins drive away. I probably see them 4 times a year for a couple of hours each time. Thats more normal

Same here!! 1. because I also couldn't cope with people in my home for that long and 2. Because my husband wouldn't be respecting my wishes not to have them there that often or even having a proper conversation about it. If he wants to see his parents that much then he can go and visit them by himself.

I'd let DH have them stay as much as he likes as long he's the one doing the grunt work, ie hosting, feeding, shopping, cleaning.

Bet my last £1 he isn't though... in which case, he can fuck right off.

Not much more to add to all the pp. But there’s no way I would ever put up with that arrangement. It sounds utterly miserable. You got to put a stop to this for yourself and your Children. You should be his priority.

My dad only lives 10 mins away and we don't even see him 5 to 7 times a month.
He comes over on Saturdays to take my son out for a 2 hour walk.
Then spends about an hour with us afterwards.
Then he will come over one day during the week during school holidays for the same about of time.
But he will only come over if it isn't raining.
Having people stay 5 to 7 days a month sounds like a nightmare.
You need time for your own family and to have your own life not spending it with inlaws all the time.

I think what is 'normal' for each family will vary massively. I think there are people who will see their parents 2-3 times a year and that's plenty for them, others will see their family several times a week and that also works for them. Your family you create should be priority however I think it's nice to involve grandparents in your life regularly if you can (and circumstances allow) I can sometimes find mumsnet strange in that most people on here seem to want minimal contact with extended family but I don't see that reflected in real life really. Lincoln Hello
However I think everyone should be happy with the amount of visiting and contact otherwise resent will build. But I don't think it's a case of him not seeing them as regularly, perhaps he can visit them for a couple of nights a month without you, and then maybe every 3 months they could do a slightly longer stay with you, perhaps not a week every time but maybe somewhere between 4-7 nights depending on what you have on. I think that would still be very regular. I understand as my family live 2nhalf- 3 hours away and i have always wanted to see them regularly, for the children to have a good relationship with them too (which they do) and luckily we are all close and the kids are always super excited to go or have them here so it's never been an issue. I always see it as we get our 'hours in' in one go rather than being spread out if that makes sense! i don't think we ever go more than 6 weeks between visits maybe the odd 8 week but usually somewhere between 4-6, and I regularly stay in school holidays for a week - but would never expect my husband to see them this much. His parents live close by and he actually sees them everyday due to work so it's never been an issue for me to see mine regularly.

I think if you aren't happy things need to change, it does seem like you have them to stay a lot, and I imagine the weeks they aren't staying go really quickly and before you know it they are back. I think there definitely can be a compromise here but I think you may need to have some very honest conversations about how it is making you feel, you definitely aren't being unreasonable here.

Sounds awful. So you have them with you approx 90 days a year - 3 months?!?!
We don’t see our in laws 200 miles away anywhere near this - about 3 times a year actually.
It likely may be his upbringing and the guilt trip from them. Put boundaries in place - every 3 months for long distance is beyond reasonable and for long weekends not a week.

Bugger that. I wouldn't be entertaining what you do now let alone spend any more time with them. If your DH wants to spend more time with them then he can go on his own but he needs to tell his kids why he'd sooner spend holidays with his mum and dad rather than go away with them and their mum as a family.

Thanks everyone. Sorry if I haven’t answered everyone’s questions, but all your comments have been really helpful from all sides. I’m now determined to have another talk about it. It never goes well and he always gets grumpy and funny with me but I think I have forgotten myself and the kids in all this. They are all teenagers now, so also want to be home in hols to see friends etc. and I have quite a lot of stress in my life anyway, with a few things going on, so this doesn’t help at all. Thanks all for taking the time to reply. It means a lot and has really helped me feel like I am not nuts. Xxx

He says 'sorry about that' when you say they upset you and the children every time you see them?! I'd tell him in no uncertain terms he does not need to be sorry on their behalf but you will not be seeing them any more then strictly necessary. He needs to be sorry for not caring about your wishes or feelings.
If he so desires, he can see them 24 hours a day. It can easily be arranged.

You are not nuts op.

If you can afford it go away with the DC for the duration of the next visit or make sure you are busy and unavailable for most of all future visits. Your DH can prepare for them visiting (cook/clean/shop/change beds etc) entertain them and prepare for the next visit. If they ask what you are having for dinner tonight. Say sorry you’ll have to ask DH he has agreed to do all the cooking for you now and for any future visits. I am off out with friends, off to the cinema or having some quiet time on my own etc.

My DH quite happily had his parents visit us at the drop of a hat. But when I was less available and he had to cook for them and chat/listen to them on his own (after a long day at work or instead of watching football, playing on his phone etc). He was much less eager to agree to visits.

I was surprised when you said you had teenagers. I think you've been unusually tolerant for an unusually long period of time of a difficult situation and that it's going to be hard to unpick.

One piece of advice I will give is that when you are dealing with selfish, thoughtless, people, there's no point in being too nice about it. They'll just take advantage. Set some hard lines around what you're prepared to do and stick to them. Enlist a friend to sense check with.

I am a bit mystified what your PIL are getting out of this if they moan and carp -- is your house a bit too comfortable; do you look after them very well with nice meals etc? Do you live in a holiday area? Are they the kind of people who are ok with little kids but can't relate to teenagers and are all 'in my day'?

You see them an insane amount. I mean just insane. I’d leave him. I couldn’t cope.

I was thinking about a PP comment about what happens when one of the in-laws dies. You should think about that, DH might think it’s an obvious step to move the surviving one in.

Staying for a week every month? Fuck that for a laugh. That is in no way; shape; or form, normal by any stretch of the imagination.

How far away do they actually live? The length of their visits hint towards there being a hefty distance between you. If they live very far away then I guess it is more reasonable for them to have longer visits but the frequency of them seems excessive. I know I couldn’t bear spending that much time with my in-laws! If they and your DH want to spend so much time together is there no possibility for them to move closer to you so that they can have all the time together that they want but without the inconvenience of hosting them at your home for such long periods. Its not like any arrangement I’ve heard of before, for people I know whose parents or in-laws don’t live close by there are those who live a medium distance away (so 2-3 hours drive) who have visits every month or two but generally only for 1 or 2 nights. Those who live further apart, or in different countries even, will do longer visits of maybe a week or 2 but these will be annually or twice yearly and not every month.

This would get on anyone's last nerve even with lovely ILs