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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wish my kids didn't come over as much

166 replies

Elis123 · 07/04/2024 11:41

I have 2 kids, they are 24 and 26, both have good jobs, live in London seem generally very happy. However I'd say that at least every other weekend, if not more at least one of them come home. Then they eat all the food, take over my TV and somehow still bicker like kids. DD is single but DS has a GF who comes back with him too. I love my kids, but we don't have much to chat about, they always expect me to cook. It's not as bad if it's just one of them but if it's like this weekend it's just like having two teens home. I woke up planning for a quiet morning and they were up chatting loudly over F1 (I was planning to use the TV for a yoga video but that couldn't happen). Then DS begged for a cooked breakfast so I made that, thinking it might encourage them all home early but now DD has put gossip girl on (which frankly she's been watching since she was a teenager and we have all seen every episode of!!!), DS and DH have gone to play golf and I'm feeling like I have to just his GF as we still don't know him all that well.

One weekend a month, with an occasional longer visits and is going to them sometimes would be fine, but it feels like every bloody weekend and they just take over!!

Would I be unreasonable to say, I love you both very much but please can we plan visit better and have them less often?

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 07/04/2024 11:43

Think it’s time you tell them to bring some food with them and cook you a meal or two. Your kids are being cf

Horsewhisperers · 07/04/2024 11:44

I sympathise. I've been there.

olderbutwiser · 07/04/2024 11:45

Not at all unreasonable. Time to get firm with them. Or mug up on the "elderly parents" threads for excellent tips on how to be even more of a pain to them than they are to you.

stayathomer · 07/04/2024 11:46

I think the world is divided into two camps - those who love the sound of what you say as it’s still the madness of having kids, and those who wanted them out!! I’d be in camp 1 but if you’re camp 2 tell them you’re not cooking but I wouldn’t tell them not to come as often, it’s their home!

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 07/04/2024 11:47

Just carry on with your plans, they're your children not house guests no need to stand on ceremony.
Right kids TV is mine for half hour I'm doing my yoga, anyone welcome to join, happy for you to cook yourselves breakfast I've got plans this morning to do xyz. It's also not your job to occupy the GF.
I am always welcome at my parents' and in laws but they still go about their business, df cycles or walks/jogs at least 10k a day, he'll say I'm off out anyone want to come? MIL still goes to the stables, DM will say I was planning on going shopping and meeting friend for a coffee, no problem mum see you later shall I cook lunch?

Bonbon21 · 07/04/2024 11:47

You contact them earlier in the week and tell them you have plans, so 'dont bother coming over'...
The old trick of meeting them on the doorstep... we are going out....
Or treat them like the adults they now are and say it doesnt suit for them just to arrive without notice... as you and Dad are having a 'long lie'...👻....😂😳

Immemorialelms · 07/04/2024 11:48

It's not "their home!" They are launched! They can't expect to just rock up any time.

DanielGault · 07/04/2024 11:51

'they expect me to cook' is being very drippy. They can expect away, and go hungry, or get up off their arses and forage for themselves.

Momstermunch · 07/04/2024 11:54

You need to take back control - kick them out of the living room so you can do the yoga video. Tell them you're not cooking. Make it less comfortable. I bet your relationship will improve with some boundaries.

RichardsGear · 07/04/2024 11:58

In the nicest possible way, I agree you're being a bit of a martyr. I'm sure you can say in a good-humoured manner that you're going to use the TV and no, you're not cooking a breakfast! Your days of being at people's beck and call are over.

Trisolaris · 07/04/2024 11:59

It sounds like you need to set more boundaries and establish an adult-adult relationship with them. They can bring and make their own food or take turns with you. If you want to use the TV do it. It sounds like they are used to their wants (not just needs) always coming first and need to learn this shouldn’t always be the case.

RichardsGear · 07/04/2024 12:00

So YANBU at all to say what you suggested.

AmandaHoldensLips · 07/04/2024 12:03

Hide all the food.
Start walking around naked.

Calamitousness · 07/04/2024 12:04

Well, the other side is, this won’t last forever. They will stop coming to stay and drift away to build their own families. So it’s enjoy it for now and realise it will stop or go out with your husband for dinner, just the two of you when they’re home. Watch your programmes when you want. Let them know you have plans etc. I think you can probably get a bit of control back without having a harsh conversation.

Giveupnow · 07/04/2024 12:05

If you tell them to visit less, don’t be surprised if they don’t come at all.

in 10 years time you’ll be moaning about how you never see the grandchildren and DIL doesn’t treat you the same as her side of the family.

Zola1 · 07/04/2024 12:05

So when I go to my mums if she doesn't want to cook she doesn't and if any of us are hungry either I'm going the shop or making something in her kitchen 😂 and if she's got plans she literally says do what you want but im doing X (this work, going to meet my friend, watching this etc).

Momstermunch · 07/04/2024 12:14

Giveupnow · 07/04/2024 12:05

If you tell them to visit less, don’t be surprised if they don’t come at all.

in 10 years time you’ll be moaning about how you never see the grandchildren and DIL doesn’t treat you the same as her side of the family.

Bollocks. Healthy relationships have boundaries. I would never have been allowed to walk all over my parents like this but I have a wonderful relationship with them.

Jennalong · 07/04/2024 12:21

You say things like " You want a cooked breakfast , great we'll go out and you can treat me as I cooked last night "
Or " It's your turn to bring dinner and cook tonight "
Or best still " I'm having a quiet weekend , so no visitors "

OnlyOneAdda · 07/04/2024 12:24

I think be careful what you wish for. If you encourage them to visit less, are less welcoming and indulgent etc that is entirely valid but if it goes completely the other way then you have to live with that. I would want my kids to always feel they are welcome any time and my home is their home no matter what their age.

InBedBy10 · 07/04/2024 12:28

I wouldn't tell them to visit less but as others have said I would set some boundaries.

I find it odd that you are willing to tell them to stop coming but don't have the courage to open your mouth and tell them to cook for themselves or you want to watch the tv.

user1492757084 · 07/04/2024 12:30

Set boundaries.
Speak early in the month and ascertain which weekends they are likely. It's reasonable that they arrange visits.
Something like - that they need to bring ingredients and cook one meal per visit, that you will be organising Sunday roast and that any cooked breakfasts need to be cooked by and cleaned up by themselves.
You will be utilizing sitting room for yoga, you like a quiet sleep in until XXX and please sometimes take gf to golf.

It is the ideal time to develop an adult relationship.
Treat them like adult guests and expectthemto sometimes do adult outings with you too - like going to a local musical, band recital or garden show etc.
You and DH could also visit them - give the kids the experience of being hosts.
You don't need to be putting up with teenage antics.

5128gap · 07/04/2024 12:30

Ooh. Tough one. Because I can't think of a way you could say that without causing them to be really hurt. To them it's home and you're mum and the idea they may be less than welcome would be a real stinger. So if I were you, rather than tell them to come less, I'd focus on what it looked like when they were there. So I'd be continuing my own activities and giving them the rules so I still could. No loud TV, I won't be cooking, I'm going out so GF will be on her own if you're playing golf etc.

Gamerlady · 07/04/2024 12:39

Visit them every weekend, eat all their food, take over the TV. They'd soon get fed up. It's nice they visit, but you also need your time to chill. I'd be telling them during the week so they know you have plans.

Gymmum82 · 07/04/2024 12:47

I’d just be less available. Christ my kids are young and live at home but if I want a yoga video on the telly you bet it’s going on. They can go elsewhere in the house while I do it.
As for the cooked breakfast I’d tell him to bloody make it himself!
Your life doesn’t have to stop because the kids are home. Take yourself out for coffee or to the gym or whatever else you enjoy. I would include them in meals but I wouldn’t make anything special just whatever myself and DH were having.

I myself used to go home regularly when I was that sort of age but my parents didn’t martyr themselves for me. If they were out they were out

Fairyliz · 07/04/2024 13:13

Following with interest op as I have two adult DC’s who are similar.
It’s difficult because you spend years of your life putting them first so it sort of becomes ingrained.
Also when we have other friends to stay we do tend to organise our life around them. Eg I wouldn’t expect friends to turn up and cook their own meals so my children don’t expect too.