To wish my kids didn't come over as much

[Elis123]

I have 2 kids, they are 24 and 26, both have good jobs, live in London seem generally very happy. However I'd say that at least every other weekend, if not more at least one of them come home. Then they eat all the food, take over my TV and somehow still bicker like kids. DD is single but DS has a GF who comes back with him too. I love my kids, but we don't have much to chat about, they always expect me to cook. It's not as bad if it's just one of them but if it's like this weekend it's just like having two teens home. I woke up planning for a quiet morning and they were up chatting loudly over F1 (I was planning to use the TV for a yoga video but that couldn't happen). Then DS begged for a cooked breakfast so I made that, thinking it might encourage them all home early but now DD has put gossip girl on (which frankly she's been watching since she was a teenager and we have all seen every episode of!!!), DS and DH have gone to play golf and I'm feeling like I have to just his GF as we still don't know him all that well.

One weekend a month, with an occasional longer visits and is going to them sometimes would be fine, but it feels like every bloody weekend and they just take over!!

Would I be unreasonable to say, I love you both very much but please can we plan visit better and have them less often?

This 100%!!!!!

Why didn’t you tell them that you wanted to watch your yoga video so they’d have to turn of the F1? Why did you make your son a cooked breakfast if you didn’t want to? It sounds like you are letting them walk all over you. Start saying no to their demands and do what you want.

Start getting used to the idea tbh. Loads of 'kids' have to move away and weekly trips back aren't practical. It's no reflection on your parenting or their love for you. It's just life. It's normal.

Oh I hear you sister!

You are not the house slave. Just stop.

Agree with this. I often used to stay with my dm if I had a work meeting in the area. I was always welcome and I know dm loved to see me but she continued with her life. She’d tell me what time she’d be back, I’d go and let myself in and more often than not say that she couldn’t be arsed with cooking so we were off out! She certainly wouldn’t be up early cooking breakfast for me (although she would always get bacon in in case I fancied it). They are coming to see you but you don’t need to stop your life just because they visit.

The problem seems to be that they are stuck between expecting to be able to act like kids in their family home, and being special house guests. they are adult children popping in, which is different.

Time to set boundaries. Tell them your schedule. No begging for cooked breakfast - they can make something themselves. It’s your house - your plans come first.

Tell them. You want to do yoga video ask them to move to another room. Tell them to cook their own breakfast

Start doing yoga in front of them and stop cooking. Start saying ooh I fancy one too and leave it hanging.

It's not sad...its great! They know mum in her mid 60s is living life to the full and not sitting at home waiting to die.
Equally they are leading great lives, good jobs, have homes, and travel.

Cooked breakfast? Sounds lovely but you'll need to go to the corner shop, I haven't got much in. Mine's a bacon sandwich. Tell me when it's ready, I'll be in the garden.

And mum doesn't have to be in her mid 60s either lol. I'm 52, my kids are grown ( the baby is away atuni) but I've now got time for a life of my own that doesn't revolve around them. My eldest lives 250 miles away. We speak regularly but it's a long drive to pop in DD2 pops in but doesn't be watching my TV and can make herself a cuppa.

I'm another vote for not discouraging them from coming but set boundaries.

They should be cooking you breakfast, don't entertain the gf go out, kick them out of the living room as you want to do your yoga.
If you cook they clean.

I am always welcome in my mums house and have a great relationship but there is no way I get treated like a guest. I cook more then her and have done since my mid -late teens even when I lived at home.

I suppose we are wired to want them near when they are little and perhaps that organically changes with time.

My word I don't know anyone who would dare treat their folks like this.

My friend is in his 50s and we visited his DM yesterday and he politely asked if he could use her bathroom before we left.

I think you've been way too lax with them. Perhaps it's time you set up some rules.

I hope my DD still wants to come over as often as yours do when she’s older 🥰 it’s a sign you’re a good mum OP.

time to put boundaries in place 😁

Why can't you say 'hey guys I want the tv to do yoga so scoot'
Or 'I'll cook breakfast but one of you can do dinner tonight'.
Or 'sorry we have plans this weekend so no visiting'.
Stop being a doormat!

Adult DC moving away doesn’t mean you are not a good mum or they don’t like you, it can be a sign that you have given them wings to be independent. Also it isn’t good to be a parent that expects their DC to come home so regularly.

If you have a social life or just want some time in the house to yourselves it is good to have a few boundaries in place. Not put them off coming but if you want to do yoga, for example, then tell them. If a weekend isn’t convenient tell them, but arrange another time they can come or you can go to theirs. Maybe they can host once in awhile

I love it when my adult DC comes home for a weekend. I love it even more if all 3 come at once. Sadly that only happens very occasionally. I do an early Xmas meal the second week of December and they all come then. On real Xmas I'm invited to one of their houses and they cook for me. If they arrived unexpectedly if I had plans I'd tell them. My DS's both liked cooking and when they come they will often cook for me. Freeing me up to play with my 2 DGS's. DH and I go out for a meal most weekends so if they don't tell me they are coming I'll be going out.

The early Christmas meal is a great idea. So many threads pop up with angst about Christmas, who is going where, ILs don’t don’t like turkey , ILs only like turkey etc etc. Something that ought to be a special day seems to become charged with tension because people are often too invested or torn in too many directions. I often think why make the particular day matter to the point of undermining it, when the point is to enrich life and relationships not wreck them.

Do you think the ADULT offspring would appreciate their mother rocking up, eating their food and hanging out in their space every bloody weekend?

Or if she continues to indulge they’ll continue to take the piss when/if they have children too and expect full time childcare and sleepovers every other weekend.

My mum was an excellent mum but I wouldn’t have dreamed of turning up and slobbing in front of Gossip Girl while she waited on me, even at 18 never mind 26!

Well, you are giving in to their every demand, so no wonder you're finding it stressful. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Do the yoga, don't cook breakfast, don't entertain the girlfriend etc.

If they are still treating your house like their home, then they don't need to be looked after. Only guests are looked after once children are capable of living independently.

Or treat them like guests which means they only come when it has been agreed in advance by you.

My 23 year old still lives with me but I don't actively 'look after' her. She does her own thing and asks if she needs a favour. If I cook a family meal I know she likes, I ask if she wants some. Otherwise she sorts out her own meals.