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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my kids didn't come over as much

166 replies

Elis123 · 07/04/2024 11:41

I have 2 kids, they are 24 and 26, both have good jobs, live in London seem generally very happy. However I'd say that at least every other weekend, if not more at least one of them come home. Then they eat all the food, take over my TV and somehow still bicker like kids. DD is single but DS has a GF who comes back with him too. I love my kids, but we don't have much to chat about, they always expect me to cook. It's not as bad if it's just one of them but if it's like this weekend it's just like having two teens home. I woke up planning for a quiet morning and they were up chatting loudly over F1 (I was planning to use the TV for a yoga video but that couldn't happen). Then DS begged for a cooked breakfast so I made that, thinking it might encourage them all home early but now DD has put gossip girl on (which frankly she's been watching since she was a teenager and we have all seen every episode of!!!), DS and DH have gone to play golf and I'm feeling like I have to just his GF as we still don't know him all that well.

One weekend a month, with an occasional longer visits and is going to them sometimes would be fine, but it feels like every bloody weekend and they just take over!!

Would I be unreasonable to say, I love you both very much but please can we plan visit better and have them less often?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 07/04/2024 17:19

OnlyOneAdda · 07/04/2024 12:24

I think be careful what you wish for. If you encourage them to visit less, are less welcoming and indulgent etc that is entirely valid but if it goes completely the other way then you have to live with that. I would want my kids to always feel they are welcome any time and my home is their home no matter what their age.

At the expense of any plans you might have?

Or just wanting to have peace and quiet and slob about in old clothes without worrying about cooking?

No. If there are no definite plans, then at least a courtesy phone call to see if it's convenient

Nanny0gg · 07/04/2024 17:23

LittleWeed2 · 07/04/2024 14:09

Well if it appears that poor lonely mum is sitting home alone whilst DF is golfing they probably think they are doing you a favour. So my suggestion is you get a life.

I'm quite happy having my house to myself, personally

So if I don't want to go out I don't want to have to do it to stop having a house full

RazzberryGem · 07/04/2024 17:31

I think it's less about them coming over and more about the boundaries when they're there.

Make it clear that you love them and there are forever welcome buuttt YOU are planning to do yoga at a particular time of day so that's what's happening. They want to watch F1, they can somewhere else. Or if they want to pop over for dinner, they need to let you know in advance so you can plan for it or whatever.

Sounds like that tricky stage where you need to reestablish your role in their adult lives rather than them still being seen as the children in your home.

ncforhusbandstory · 07/04/2024 17:39

Elis123 · 07/04/2024 14:15

I don't want them to stop coming at all, just less often. I want the spare rooms for future grandkids etc.

Show quote history

Well telling them to bugger off reduces the likelihood of them wanting to come when they have kids!
As a PP said you need boundaries. It's your house and they need to follow YOUR schedule.

Zyq · 07/04/2024 17:41

Then DS begged for a cooked breakfast so I made that

Why didn't you tell him "Fine, if you cook it and replace what you use?"

Calliopespa · 07/04/2024 17:43

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 07/04/2024 11:47

Just carry on with your plans, they're your children not house guests no need to stand on ceremony.
Right kids TV is mine for half hour I'm doing my yoga, anyone welcome to join, happy for you to cook yourselves breakfast I've got plans this morning to do xyz. It's also not your job to occupy the GF.
I am always welcome at my parents' and in laws but they still go about their business, df cycles or walks/jogs at least 10k a day, he'll say I'm off out anyone want to come? MIL still goes to the stables, DM will say I was planning on going shopping and meeting friend for a coffee, no problem mum see you later shall I cook lunch?

Edited

Yes I agree with this. I think if you tell them not to come as often you may regret it, but equally I think they may be coming more often than they otherwise would because you are basically letting your place be a free indulgent hotel. Who wouldn’t come to watch tv while having a breakfast cooked for them?Just be welcoming mum - then insist on the remote when you want the tv.

Calliopespa · 07/04/2024 17:49

LittleWeed2 · 07/04/2024 14:09

Well if it appears that poor lonely mum is sitting home alone whilst DF is golfing they probably think they are doing you a favour. So my suggestion is you get a life.

This was quite unkindly phrased .

Runnerduck34 · 07/04/2024 18:01

I gave DC 23 and 24. One at uni one renting with GF, I still have 2 teens at home but I'm really pleased to have them home- seeing my DC all together chatting laughing and even bickering makes my heart sing.
But I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to say I need the TV now to do my yoga or ooh I'd love a cooked breakfast too can you cook me one? As pp have said you are family so can be direct! However it is easy to full into stereotype roles.
I wouldn't tell my DC they can't visit- but I might say me and dad are doing x this weekend.
Eventually they will have other commitments their life will move forward and you will probably see less of them

Noicant · 07/04/2024 18:22

Stop cooking for them and tell them you are watching your telly. You can’t enjoy having your kids around because you are not in an adult-adult dynamic. I’m sure your DS gf didn’t want to ditched either.

Vacantstare · 07/04/2024 18:33

You only want to see them once a month? I see my mum every other day albeit she only lives five minutes away but couldn't imagine seeing her once a month!

Just tell them you want to watch TV or that you don't feel up to cooking so they need to sort something out for themselves, but to suggest you see them once a month is quite sad...

Why have children if you want them to be such an infrequent part of your life?!

NoblyBobly · 07/04/2024 18:35

Stop pandering to them!
Carry on with your plans, you are making them too comfortable.

skinnyoptionsonly · 07/04/2024 18:37

Pick a night in the week for family meal night. Say a Wednesday.

They come after work for dinner. At that point you say you aren't able to do the weekend but look forward to seeing them next Wednesday....

If weekend night they might be more inclined to go home?

AuntieMarys · 07/04/2024 18:37

Vacantstare · 07/04/2024 18:33

You only want to see them once a month? I see my mum every other day albeit she only lives five minutes away but couldn't imagine seeing her once a month!

Just tell them you want to watch TV or that you don't feel up to cooking so they need to sort something out for themselves, but to suggest you see them once a month is quite sad...

Why have children if you want them to be such an infrequent part of your life?!

Mine live 250 miles away and I see them every 2 months. We have busy independent lives and don't live in each others pockets.
I moved away from my parents at 18 back in 1978 and saw them about 4 times a year.

Calliopespa · 07/04/2024 18:49

AuntieMarys · 07/04/2024 18:37

Mine live 250 miles away and I see them every 2 months. We have busy independent lives and don't live in each others pockets.
I moved away from my parents at 18 back in 1978 and saw them about 4 times a year.

Show quote history

Mine are still young so maybe I’m missing something but the thought of this makes me sad .

crumblingschools · 07/04/2024 18:53

@Calliopespa are you going to tell your DC that they can’t move away as you will need to see them regularly.

@Vacantstare do you not have other things to do. Do you not have jobs, hobbies, friends that you spend time with?

crumblingschools · 07/04/2024 18:55

DS is at university, and it is hard with him being away. But I would think I had failed as a parent if his social life had to revolve around me

Calliopespa · 07/04/2024 18:55

crumblingschools · 07/04/2024 18:53

@Calliopespa are you going to tell your DC that they can’t move away as you will need to see them regularly.

@Vacantstare do you not have other things to do. Do you not have jobs, hobbies, friends that you spend time with?

No I’m not. But it just forced me to rattle forward to the future and it felt a bit sad.

forrestgreen · 07/04/2024 19:08

If you're coming home this weekend please note we're having a takeaway, please make sure you can send over your bill. I'll need the tv from 8-9am for yoga. I'll be out in the afternoon seeing friends.

If you fancy leaving it til next weekend I'm happy to do a family meal once a month, but more than that you'll all have to contribute as the col has driven our combined shopping up. Please be mindful that I and your dad like our choices of the tv occasionally and we also sometimes have plans too!

Maray1967 · 07/04/2024 19:24

colourfulcrochet · 07/04/2024 14:16

I can't imagine behaving this way towards my own mum, it's so foreign to me. It just seems so rude.

Yes, I’m trying to imagine what my DF and PIL would have said if we’d carried on like this!!
OP, you did to be a bit more assertive! My DS23 doesn’t get to dictate what’s on TV, for example, and he doesn’t expect a restaurant service. Just tell them that’s not happening.

Cherrysoup · 07/04/2024 19:27

crumblingschools · 07/04/2024 18:53

@Calliopespa are you going to tell your DC that they can’t move away as you will need to see them regularly.

@Vacantstare do you not have other things to do. Do you not have jobs, hobbies, friends that you spend time with?

They'll move away if they want. My mum can't understand why my brother chose the furthest university possible from home or why I went abroad. She complains that her sister's dc all stayed locally. Crucially, it's because they LIKE their mum!

I think the OP is massively enabling her dc, immediate yes to anything they want. No need for nastiness, but definitely firm 'I'm doing yoga, you make dinner if you're coming over and BTW, you're bringing the ingredients/wine.' She's letting them behave like young teens, not adults.

Molonty · 07/04/2024 19:28

Yabu, I think they must have been raised to some extent to think this is ok. At those ages all my siblings and I moved out, but if we came home unexpectedly we were only too happy to bring over some food/ take my dp's out to eat/treat them. If my dp's knew we were coming over they made sure they had something good prepared- no expectations of them. Probably just our culture.

As two fully grown adults, why not bring this up with them. That's probably why they are so inconsiderate if you can't even call them out on it.

DojaPhat · 07/04/2024 19:31

They are your kids!!! You set the tone, they follow. If you 'allow' all of this carry on it will not end.

PutOnYourRedShoesAndLetsDance · 07/04/2024 19:32

Oh gosh.. one day they will stop coming... and then you will realise how much you miss them coming . Don't stop them coming.. it's lovely to think they can come home whenever and feel comfy.
If you don't want to cook .. don't .
Personally l love my family n Grandkids coming.. we all chip in to cook.. they can have anything they want.. l go to theirs a lot and they cook for me.

Shinyandnew1 · 07/04/2024 19:47

I'm feeling like I have to just his GF as we still don't know him all that well.

I’m quite sure I follow this bit. What do you mean and who is ‘him’? If your son is bringing his boyfriend round and then going out with your husband, that’s taking the piss-your weekend job isn’t to entertain their other halves! I would ask him why he has bought his partner round for the afternoon to not spend time with them-why wouldn’t they just stay at home?!

I wouldn’t be rude and tell them to come less often, but start by laying some boundaries. If they ask for a cooked breakfast, say, ‘why don’t you do this at your own house?! If you do want to do it here, I’ll have xyz but you’re cooking it and washing up! I’m not your servant!’

I love my kids/parents but unless you’re visiting them (to spend time with them) you ‘hang out’ in your own house, don’t you?!

I’d be saying that-is your sofa really uncomfortable or something, you’re here again!? I need the telly for yoga at 10, so I’m going to have to shoo you all out, I’m afraid.

I’d start inviting them for particular things as well-come for a bbq on Saturday at 4 or a roast on Sunday at 2, to avoid this situation.

ohthejoys21 · 07/04/2024 20:07

I'm trying to by sympathetic but at the same time can't help but feel how lucky you are that your adult kids actually choose to spend time with you.

I'm not sure I'd cook on demand if I was busy but I will always have food in the fridge for them to prepare if there's even a chance of them coming. It's my pleasure!

Put down your boundaries and you'll be in a better space to enjoy them.