To wish my kids didn't come over as much

[Elis123]

I have 2 kids, they are 24 and 26, both have good jobs, live in London seem generally very happy. However I'd say that at least every other weekend, if not more at least one of them come home. Then they eat all the food, take over my TV and somehow still bicker like kids. DD is single but DS has a GF who comes back with him too. I love my kids, but we don't have much to chat about, they always expect me to cook. It's not as bad if it's just one of them but if it's like this weekend it's just like having two teens home. I woke up planning for a quiet morning and they were up chatting loudly over F1 (I was planning to use the TV for a yoga video but that couldn't happen). Then DS begged for a cooked breakfast so I made that, thinking it might encourage them all home early but now DD has put gossip girl on (which frankly she's been watching since she was a teenager and we have all seen every episode of!!!), DS and DH have gone to play golf and I'm feeling like I have to just his GF as we still don't know him all that well.

One weekend a month, with an occasional longer visits and is going to them sometimes would be fine, but it feels like every bloody weekend and they just take over!!

Would I be unreasonable to say, I love you both very much but please can we plan visit better and have them less often?

But do your friends just turn up randomly and expect to be catered to? From OP it sounds like the kids just landed on the OP as and when suits them. If I've interpreted it correctly.

I can’t imagine any universe where my 24 yr ds would think I’d make him a cooked breakfast, never mind the other nonsense 😆

I don't think it's them being there per se that seems to be the problem though, more the lack of respect for OP tbh. I think it's fine to have a frank conversation with them along the lines of the issues e.g. we need more notice of you coming, we need you to contribute to food shopping/cooking when you come that sort of thing. Definitely don't offer to cook them breakfast if you don't want to. And definitely kick them out of the telly if you need it for your yoga, it's your house! Basically the kids just seem quite disrespectful and that's causing the issues it seems.

Why are they coming back so often?

Stop skivvying after them. Be upfront and say it isn't a good wknd for them to visit. Stand up for yourself!

You’re being a doormat. Your dd put on Gossip Girl, tough, you’re doing yoga, get out, give me room, I’m doing yoga. They beg for breakfast? They can bloody well make it themselves and bring the ingredients because you bought the stuff for you and your Dh. Stop being so wet (gently, OP, because you sound like a really nice person).

Time to tell them that you have lives, they need to organise themselves better and ask if it’s convenient to come over.

TV - OK you two, I'm going to watch XYZ now, my turn with my telly.
Cooking - It will be lovely to see you. I'm planning a relaxed weekend, so no cooking. Time you took me out for a meal.

@Elis123 bless your heart. So they work all week and then go to you at weekends? All a bit odd, they seem quite young. No advice really as mine is still a teenager. But good luck

I would be happy that they were coming so often, but I wouldn't be cooking for them or cleaning up after them. If they live in London (assuming you dont) I would be going to their place instead.

Hide all the food
Start walking around naked

🤣

Hmmm the my home is your home is fair enough BUT when do you get any privacy then? What if you want a friend over for a private chat and they are blasting out the TV . You shouldn't have to get out the room or go elsewhere. Or heaven forbid you might have a boyfriend. Be a bit awkward if you are having sex on the sofa and they appear. This is YOUR home first and foremost. I doubt adult offspring would be happy if you rocked up to this eirs every weekend expecting them to cook and taking over your house

Hi kids, it’s time for my yoga, I’ll need the tv now.
Cooked brekkie? Sounds wonderful! I’ll have scrambled eggs and bacon, please!
Dad and I are going out now. We’ll be back by 6-ish. What’s for dinner? Why, whatever you fancy cooking for us!
Dad and I are having Kath and Joe over for a swinging weekend. So we’ll need all the bedrooms. You dig, groovy cats?
(Just some things you could try saying…)

Wow! I'd be only too happy if my adult kids came over more often. Wait until yours are in their 30s/40s and have truly independent lives, most likely living some distance away. You will hardly see them for dust then. By all means stop making food for them - remind them where the kitchen is and they can help themselves, even make you a meal lol but don't push them away. Soon enough you'll be on your own to do whatever you want in your own time.

"Sorry kids but there's nothing in the fridge as I haven't managed to do any shopping. You know where the Tescos is! Oh can you make sure you get some nice sirloins for everyone for dinner please? 6 should do it. Don't forget the bakers, sour cream and salad makings. Wine too if you want some. Milk for breakfast please too!! And bread, eggs and bacon - you can make me something nice!"

<screams of horror>

"What? No I can't go there myself as I'm meeting a friend for the day. See you for dinner about 6! Don't forget I like a G&T first!!"

Well you’re not exactly helping yourself are you?

Your DS wanted a cooked breakfast so you did it.

You didn’t tell your DD that she couldn’t watch that and you wanted the tv.

It’s your house. Set some boundaries, because currently they’re walking all over them because you let it happen.

Get them used to the idea of taking turns at cooking. When I was visiting my folks from abroad it was always me commandeered the kitchen. As others say, sounds like you don't have proper boundaries now. But you'll be glad you've got them into the habit of weekly family dinners - at the very latest, once grandkids are around!

Hmm. On the one hand it’s lovely they want to come over so much. But you don’t have to provide everything now that they’re grown up. Tell them to bring some food, make you a cooked breakfast and dinner.
I wouldn’t say “please don’t come over so often” as that could be really upsetting. Instead say “hey DS, your turn to cook this weekend, DD- you next weekend. Make sure you bring whatever ingredients you need and a bottle of wine”. They’ll probably naturally start visiting a bit less when they don’t get waited on hand and foot.

I think you need to tell them that it's not convenient some weekends because you have plans. How much notice do they give you that they're visiting?

Sorry darling, doesn't work for us this weekend because we're seeing the Joneses on Friday night then your Dad and I have visitors.

Also, have you cleared out their old rooms, given them their childhood possessions and redecorated their rooms into guest rooms? That's always a clear signal that it's time for everyone to grow up.

If their rooms are still very much their rooms, with the same decor and some of their stuff in, I think they can get too comfortable.

Somewhat, DD keeps clothes in her room but they got redecorated a few years ago. I like keeping their childhood stuff though, I look through it often.

Do they tell you in advance that they are coming or just turn up and let themselves in? Do you ask what their plans for the weekend are? Then you have opportunity to set some boundaries. Make plans for yourself at the weekends that means you’re not there all the time to cater to them.

I reckon the time has passed beyond the subtle messaging. Just clearly communicate that dinner is their responsibility unless they've been invited for dinner, that they have to give reasonable notice of a visit (outside of an emergency). Really don't think any of that is BU.

It's sad that there is no ability between both parties to say what they want eg, you wanted to do yoga so do it etc.

I agree with others, think very carefully about what you want the next decades to look like...

If you and your dh age honestly very happy with distant dc, fine but otherwise try and find a way to kindly compromise.

Have they ever had boundaries or have you always let them do what they want?!

I'd be texting to say I have plans this wend so please don't come over. I'd also be doing my yoga video and asking for help with the cooking.

They're taking advantage but you're letting them.

Well if it appears that poor lonely mum is sitting home alone whilst DF is golfing they probably think they are doing you a favour. So my suggestion is you get a life.

Can you move house? Downsize?