Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my kids didn't come over as much

166 replies

Elis123 · 07/04/2024 11:41

I have 2 kids, they are 24 and 26, both have good jobs, live in London seem generally very happy. However I'd say that at least every other weekend, if not more at least one of them come home. Then they eat all the food, take over my TV and somehow still bicker like kids. DD is single but DS has a GF who comes back with him too. I love my kids, but we don't have much to chat about, they always expect me to cook. It's not as bad if it's just one of them but if it's like this weekend it's just like having two teens home. I woke up planning for a quiet morning and they were up chatting loudly over F1 (I was planning to use the TV for a yoga video but that couldn't happen). Then DS begged for a cooked breakfast so I made that, thinking it might encourage them all home early but now DD has put gossip girl on (which frankly she's been watching since she was a teenager and we have all seen every episode of!!!), DS and DH have gone to play golf and I'm feeling like I have to just his GF as we still don't know him all that well.

One weekend a month, with an occasional longer visits and is going to them sometimes would be fine, but it feels like every bloody weekend and they just take over!!

Would I be unreasonable to say, I love you both very much but please can we plan visit better and have them less often?

OP posts:
Original poster
Elis123 · 07/04/2024 14:15

NotTram · 07/04/2024 14:14

Can you move house? Downsize?

I don't want them to stop coming at all, just less often. I want the spare rooms for future grandkids etc.

OP posts:
wellthisislovely · 07/04/2024 14:16

You need to get tougher on them. It's your house so why are you letting them take over the TV. You should have got up and said sorry, I am doing Yoga this morning as planned. If they are waking you up talking loudly, ask them to have some respect for those still asleep so talk quietly or go out.

Ask them to bring food, ask them to help you cook, lay up etc. Tell them you are away on certain dates so they don't come down. Change the locks Grin - joking before anyone gets arsy.

Some people wouldn't be bothered, but you are, so you need to find a way of dealing with it.

colourfulcrochet · 07/04/2024 14:16

I can't imagine behaving this way towards my own mum, it's so foreign to me. It just seems so rude.

crumblingschools · 07/04/2024 14:16

Do they ever bring a bottle of wine or other contribution?

Are you the one always expected to cook? Apart from golf what has your partner done?

xyz111 · 07/04/2024 14:23

I think you just need to be firmer. If someone wants to eat something, then they cook it. If you were planning on doing a workout dvd then you still do that.

Antibetty · 07/04/2024 14:35

Be careful what you wish for ...
I wouldn't be doing all the cooking - time to tell them it's takeaways (everybody chips in) or all take turns cooking. Even the cooked breakfast thing - if you haven't got the food in, you have to suggest going out for breakfast! You need to reinforce the "my house, my rules" as far as tv goes. After all that, don't be surprised if you see less of them!

OriginalUsername2 · 07/04/2024 14:35

In my very early twenties we (me, then DP and his brothers and sisters all used to pile round MILs and FiLs. It was just habit.

I remember us all being out in the garden sunbathing and MIL was on the phone to her sister saying pretty much the same thing. “Yes I suppose we’re lucky they still want to see us, but we’d love some quiet weekends”.

From then on the message “they don’t want us round this weekend, they just want a quiet one” would pass around and we started having to make our own arrangements. We did feel a bit miffed (why wouldn’t they want us round, how boring!) but did as we were told and habits changed.

I fully, fully understand how she felt now though! Just tell them they’ll get it when they’re older 😆

DragonFly98 · 07/04/2024 14:49

be thankful for what you have you will miss it when it stops. You are also clearly a lovely mum if you dc want to visit so often you raised them well.

strugglingwithmentalhealth · 07/04/2024 14:49

Or you could start doing major clean outs every weekend, so grass needs cutting and hedges need trimming, power hosing to be done, windows to be cleaned, rooms to be spring cleaned. It will do one of two things, put em off visiting or you will get loads of jobs done and wont mind getting a take away on a sat night that you all chip in for. One child cooks brekkie Sat morning, one Sunday morning. But also if you have stuff to do as well, just get on with it too and they can entertain themselves too

LipstickLil · 07/04/2024 14:52

YANBU and I can imagine feeling just as you do when my kids are in their 20s. Even now, the rare occasions that DH and I get the house to ourselves are bliss and there's a part of me that's really looking forward to not being a parent on duty all the time and to our time being our own again.

Could you tell them nicely that while you love seeing them regularly, you and their dad would like to have some quiet weekends too, when you don't have to cook and entertain and when your TV remote is your own? I'd say it kindly and try not to be too blunt, but they do need to start living their own lives a bit more, rather than pitching up on your doorstep every weekend. They're in their 20s - they should be enjoying their lives, going out, having their friends round, etc, not watching TV at their mum and dad's.

LipstickLil · 07/04/2024 14:54

And yes, make yourselves less available and accommodating. Plan things 'Oh your dad are out on Saturday night', or just keep busy with jobs. If you're there making cooked breakfasts and waiting on them hand and foot no wonder they want to come round all the time! Make them less comfortable and they might choose to do their own thing more often.

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 07/04/2024 14:57

Tell them what you've said in your OP. It's perfectly measured and reasonable. If anyone takes the huff, too bad (and it won't last long). I'm sure they come to see you because they love you, but the frequency of visits is because you've made it like a holiday from adulting for them.

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/04/2024 14:57

Just be honest with them. You love them and want to see them but you’re tired of running around after them and some weekends you need time to yourself.

When they come they need to contribute for food and they need to cook.

maudelovesharold · 07/04/2024 15:05

Would I be unreasonable to say, I love you both very much but please can we plan visit better and have them less often?

Not unreasonable at all, if you want to make them feel really unwelcome. My adult dc know they can always come back anytime they want. We have a key safe and they can let themselves in (I haven’t changed the code, yet!), although they’ve never turned up unannounced. I don’t put my life on hold, though, or do cooked breakfasts on demand!

Delphiniumandlupins · 07/04/2024 15:33

Work out whether you want to see less of them or just want them to not take advantage when they visit. It's very easy to fall back into old parent/child roles when actually you're all adults and wouldn't expect/accept this kind of behaviour from anyone else. It is lovely they are so comfortable in your home but you want a bit of respect, so tell them.

dameofdilemma · 07/04/2024 15:42

This is interesting. When my friends and I were in our twenties we were too busy going out at weekends to spend them at our parents homes.

I wonder if this is in part due to the cost of housing leaving younger people with less disposable income and tiny rooms in shared houses.
Going home to comfortable parents homes is probably preferable to spending it with grumpy housemates, not much money to go out etc.

The generations in their 20s and 30s now are the first in decades to face a lower standard of living than their parents.

ilovebagpuss · 07/04/2024 15:42

Do you talk to each other like adults? I feel like I could say to my DD 17 "look we love to have you visit but if (insert partner) is coming then you need to include them in your plans" "Don't drop in next weekend kids I am gardening/out with friends/having a quiet one"
"Hi are you dropping in this weekend, if you do please bring a curry/chilli and I will do sides"
Just have a what's app chat.
Personally I would love older kids dropping by but I wouldn't be dropping my plans to be hosting like it's Christmas every time.

maddening · 07/04/2024 15:45

Gymmum82 · 07/04/2024 12:47

I’d just be less available. Christ my kids are young and live at home but if I want a yoga video on the telly you bet it’s going on. They can go elsewhere in the house while I do it.
As for the cooked breakfast I’d tell him to bloody make it himself!
Your life doesn’t have to stop because the kids are home. Take yourself out for coffee or to the gym or whatever else you enjoy. I would include them in meals but I wouldn’t make anything special just whatever myself and DH were having.

I myself used to go home regularly when I was that sort of age but my parents didn’t martyr themselves for me. If they were out they were out

This! Just take the TV back and tell them to cook for themselves - and tidy up after themselves!

JaninaDuszejko · 07/04/2024 16:04

If my teenagers want a cooked breakfast they make it themselves. I think you just need to decide what you're happy with both now and moving forward and then tell your children.

SparklyBracelet · 07/04/2024 16:06

I love the company of my oldest son who left home some years ago. He is welcome any time x

GauntJudy · 07/04/2024 16:19

When I was on maternity leave and quite lonely I'd pop in on my mum ... then she told me "you can have too much of a good thing." ie stop visiting so much. I must say it stung and I rarely went after that as I felt unwelcome.

So my advice would be to not put it so bluntly!

Im not sure if its their presence you object to, or the way they hog the telly/demand food - either objection is totally understandable, I think a good starting point is to talk more about what you want - to use the telly for yoga, to not cook for others.

penjil · 07/04/2024 16:43

I can't believe the DC demanded a cooked breakfast and you just went and did it for them?!

This never happened with my parents. There was so way it would happen, so I wouldn't even ask, let alone demand.

I think you were too indulgent with these DC when they were young and loving at home.

It'll be difficult to establish boundaries now!

suburburban · 07/04/2024 16:48

I wish mine came more often but they live in other cities

However yours could help out a bit more and being some food or do the cooking

DJQuackers · 07/04/2024 16:53

As much as people want to say "bollocks", "set boundaries" etc, I'd suggest treading lightly as you might find that they'll drift away if you're not careful.

Whatineed · 07/04/2024 17:04

Let them catch you and DH "in flagrante" on the sofa one evening?

Plant some pampas grass in the front garden and keep a fruit bowl for car keys on the coffee table?

Only joking op. Maybe invite them one a month for Sunday dinner and tell them you've cancelled Netflix. 😂