To wish my kids didn't come over as much

[Elis123]

I have 2 kids, they are 24 and 26, both have good jobs, live in London seem generally very happy. However I'd say that at least every other weekend, if not more at least one of them come home. Then they eat all the food, take over my TV and somehow still bicker like kids. DD is single but DS has a GF who comes back with him too. I love my kids, but we don't have much to chat about, they always expect me to cook. It's not as bad if it's just one of them but if it's like this weekend it's just like having two teens home. I woke up planning for a quiet morning and they were up chatting loudly over F1 (I was planning to use the TV for a yoga video but that couldn't happen). Then DS begged for a cooked breakfast so I made that, thinking it might encourage them all home early but now DD has put gossip girl on (which frankly she's been watching since she was a teenager and we have all seen every episode of!!!), DS and DH have gone to play golf and I'm feeling like I have to just his GF as we still don't know him all that well.

One weekend a month, with an occasional longer visits and is going to them sometimes would be fine, but it feels like every bloody weekend and they just take over!!

Would I be unreasonable to say, I love you both very much but please can we plan visit better and have them less often?

We did this with our presents when we were in our twenties, and ongoing at different times.

They lived in an area where we loved the walks, beaches etc, and we had a great relationship, very easy going and comfortable.

BUT we cooked our own breakfasts, often cooked dinner and recognised that our parents’ tv choices trumped ours!

I am quite sad that I won’t have the same big comfy house for everyone to pile into for family Christmas etc.

Sounds like they’ve done well to move out in London at their ages. So they’re either paying massive mortgages or a fortune in rent presumably?

Which maybe means they’re a bit skint and welcome a few meals at mum and dads. Mine are the same. One local who we see a lot, the other less so as she’s moved away.

DS just asked me if I would make him a sandwich for lunch while I was downstairs making a cup of tea. I told him I was working, wasn't having lunch until a bit later and he could make his own sandwich or wait and I'd make two sandwiches when I made mine.

he's 13.

I think the problem you have is that they're coming home AND still acting like small children. I'm nearly 50 and am still welcome at my parents' house whenever I like. BUT... I'm expected to accomodate any existing plans they have, be considerate etc. I don't turn up, flop on the couch and wait to be served.

YANBU!

So we should never expect our offspring to be fully independent? A parent never has the right to a life of their own, even when their children are grown adults and don't live with them any more?

Bollocks!

Ooooo, this is a tough one. My parents love when we descend like this and my dad is always happy to have people to cook for, so my mom provides the balance.

When she’s not in the mood she will call and tell us she’s not receiving anyone this week etc. We also know what she’s watching and when, so children and grandchildren have to watch around her.

Part of having a good relationship is being honest, so speak to them next time they’re round to lay down some ground rules around visits and expectations.

At what point do you expect them to be of an age where you won't see them that often?

Or will you be in your 80s and still seeing your kids every day?

Start declaring it their treat when they come “home” or just oh fantastic I didn’t feel like cooking steaks in the fridge bring us a glass while your in there too.

At what point are we allowed to get our lives back and do exactly what we want to do (even if it's nothing) when we want' to do it, without worrying about anyone else?

I don't just turn up at my children's homes demanding bacon and egg and the telly. Why should they do it to me?

I've been a parent for 45+ years and then a GP. Don't you think I've done my time?

Love them dearly but on mutually agreed time

No it isn't!

How old are your children?

So the default is that you go whenever you feel like it and she has to actively tell you not to?

And until you decide one way or the other, they don't know?

I think the problem here is they are treating you like a hotel!! It's just rude. have a slightly light hearted chat with them? guys my parenting days are over, you are welcome to come over but Im stopping the cooking/ cleaning - and make yourself unavailable for a few weekends.

Doesn't mean she has to be taken the piss out of for the rest of her life

Time to sit down and have a chat!
Things aren’t going to change unless you instigate it I’m afraid.
let them come home one week end a month. Tell them they need to contribute to food chores etc.
Time for them to grow up.

Nope. I never go without notice. We do visit often, however, as they love having us over. Sometimes I get busy and they call to moan that they ‘never’ see us.

Yesterday I took my mom to church, my dad stayed home and made dinner, so for dinner they had me, my daughter and my 2 nephews who are with me for the holidays.

Next week she may not be in the mood for any of us, and she will let us know. Or I’ll call to go over and she’ll say nope, not today/this week you won’t.

They come to mine too.

visit them?

Don't tell them to come less often but hold your boundaries. Don't cook for them, tell them where the kitchen is. Tactically do not do a full food shop so it forces them to go out for food as there is none in the house. Put the TV on, it's your TV. Ask them to be quiet.

Essentially, treat them like teenagers. At the moment, you are treating them like adults but they want to just be teenagers with no responsibilities.

The GF - speak to DS. Tell him it's not acceptable to make her your responsibility while he plays golf.

That made me chuckle. Add: take up interpretive dance. Naked.

You are not being unreasonable at all. I would hate it. But I would love to see them every other month or so. They need to grow up a bit. Lay the law down.

I think this is so sad! One day you won’t be here and they’ll wish you were. I hope when my two are older they are like this so many estranged children and parents. I think it’s lovely and think it’s sad, if I was you DC I’d be crushed you though this.

My eldest DS pops in quite regularly after work) and often with his baby DS both early evening or at weekend. Often just to eat a chocolate bar or crisps before going home for his tea 😂. I feel privileged he likes to come home.
on Sunday I (and DH) was worken up by him and my DGS at 8am ….. they let themselves in at 6am to watch the motor racing! I often worried that I would be lonely when my DSs moved out but I have no chance of missing them 😂

He doesn't seem as inconsiderate as ops children though. I'm sure your DS entertains himself and granddaughter if you're still in bed and doesn't expect meals cooked

I would love it ,my children are my world they are welcome as often as they want to come. You may be sorry when you're old and maybe lonely and they don't visit because you told them not to come so often

@Ilovecleaning every other month or so! I’d be really upset if my parents told me that. How odd. I see friends more often and these are your kids!