Divorcing a teacher

[MarioBrothers]

I'm splitting from my husband. We are only at the start. He is a teacher and arguing for almost all school holidays as I will need to use childcare and summer camps as I work full time. He is arguing it makes more sense just for him to have them for the whole of the holidays with me having weekends during all school holidays. DC are 5 and 6. He is also arguing this is reason for him to stay in family home and for me to rent somewhere.

AIBU to say I still want normal arrangements during holidays? He says yes, becasue I would be paying for childcare - which is true at least some of the time as only have 25 days leave.

We haven't even worked out a schedule yet and still living together but this is one the first arguments that has come up.

AIBU to think that even if I have to use childcare, it's not fair on the kids to be separated from me for the whole of holidays (excdept for weekends).

Surely the children's needs are paramount.

They have, it seems, a father who loves them and wants to spend time with them - he is their father and they have every right to spend as much time with him as their mum. The children's right to seeing both parents equally isn't a bartering game for parents. Custody arrangements should be in the children's interests - not used as revenge against one parent.

The financial agreement when divorcing needs to be fair, based in the financial situation of both parties taking into account the children's welfare too. It shouldn't be about revenge.

My sister was in a similar situation. She is the teacher. They agreed that:
Christmas - 1 week each
Easter - 1 week each
Christmas - 3 weeks each (2 annual leave for her dh). His remaining week, she is the “childcare” - he drops them off in the morning and collects after work, just like he would a club.
Half terms - dsis 2 weeks, exh 1 week.

If in his weeks, he can’t take the full week for any reason (he always takes a minimum of 3 days for the week) then she is the “childcare” again. He just has to let her know way in advance.

It works really well. She is more than happy as she gets the extra time in the day and he doesn’t feel like he’s missing out.

It doesn't work like that unless there are not enough funds to adequately house both families. If there are enough funds (in the courts eyes) then you can have 70-80% care and the other 20-30% and the split of finances can still be around 50/50 so that there is no massive disparity between homes available to the dc and also as I guess it is thought that maintenance should help even out the expenses of having the dc more. If you have them 50/50 then no maintenance will be paid by either party (unless ridiculously high earner...so not a teacher 😆) as expenses are supposed to be the same.

Could he have them in the day time but bring them back to sleep at yours once you’ve finished work for part the time?

@FlippyFloppyShoe I thought the DC had to be appropriately housed? Not in houses of same value/size necessarily?

Also anyone of experience of divorce with young kids - How on earth do you make the admin and upkeep 5050 to reflect custody? I do all the admin, which is a lot as one of the kids has SEN, I do all parents evenings, playdates, referrals, forms, etc. How do you share this when I haven't managed to work out how to do that when we were together and H actually liked me? He just doesn't reply to emails as he's says I'm better at that "clerical shit" so even post split will I be dealing with the same? On 5050 split I know he needs to organise activities for his time but a lot of that other stuff will still come to me I guess.

But unless there is a huge disparity in income that can't be improved by the 'poorer' parent working more why would they give one party significantly more than the other? I had the same expectation as you ie you have them more you get a greater split and court didn't agree...although court is so fickle and dependent on what judge you get if you go through the whole process, so there will be a whole host of people with different outcomes but similar scenarios and no solicitor will be able to guarantee what the outcome will be, hence them always saying 'the starting point is 50/50 financially' because judges are a law unto themselves.

I don't think there's a way round that, it's the reality in most cases I expect.

I don't really agree with 50/50 for that reason (nor am I convinced it's right for the children in many cases).

@MarioBrothers what you have just said is why I didn't agree to 50/50 because I knew I would still be doing everything and having to chase him for money towards this or that and didn't feel he would support financially any clubs/activities they wanted to do and I just didn't want to continue with that level of communication with him as I knew it would cause me a lot of stress. I think in my case the fact he got to court and couldn't show how he could support 50/50 with his work was the nail in the childcare split argument though.

@SpaghettiWithaYeti I don't agree with it either in my case or lots of cases. But from spending too long on MN and reading online it seems that i have little chance of anything else. I absolutely want them to see their dad regularly but I really believe having one main home and routine is surely best for kids, it is the way most adults choose to live.

hope he enjoys doing all the admin shit that you currently do, during his 50/50 time...

as that is what HE wants

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon sadly you can't make a disinterested parent do anything that they don't deem important and it's always the DC that suffer

Agreed. But you are right to be somewhat resigned to the current system

You’re both in a lot of pain. Could you take a breath, be kind to yourself & think about mediation later. Lots of good wishes xx

A teacher who doesn't do "clerical shit" and doesn't work in the holidays or at weekends. I swear I have worked with this guy. Actually a couple of them. Tool.

This seems the best solution to me also.

Doesn't mean he gets to keep the house though! Get a proper solicitor to advise you & agree with PP re his pension!

So he wants you to have them for all the grunt work of the school year and he gets all the fun time holidays.
I'd want a two week holiday with the kids over the summer at least and alternate Christmas and New year.
Get the house sold so you can both find somewhere to live with the kids.
It sounds like he wants to be the main parent with residency of the children and you be the every other weekend and a weekday tea time with the kids.

He’s a teacher - that’s amazing, they will be so far ahead of their peers with a private tutor for a dad! I would be 100% on board with his proposed plans, they sound great. Why do you think your kids would prefer holiday camp? My kids absolutely hated camp 👀

Not divorced but the only way it works is to split activity by activity. Eg one parent does all the admin for music lessons and football, the other all the admin for scouts and drama club. Both have to read everything from the school but alternate term by term who pays for and fills permission slips. Or if you have more than one child each parent does the admin for one child. In our household Dad does all the school uniform, uniform for clubs, fancy dress and presents and cards for birthday parties. Mum does everything else.

If he he's available and wants to have the DC during the school holidays instead on childcare he's welcome but you pick them up at 4.30pm and have them overnight on your weeks!

Slightly different take on it - I’m a teacher. My dh takes 2 weeks of the summer holidays for us to spend as a family. The other weeks I could look after ds full time, but he loves going to summer clubs/camps. He did one week at a sports camp run by the team he trains with 9-4 and another week with a hobby group 9.30-3. I don’t need the childcare, but he really enjoys the clubs, gets to spend time with friends and develops skills and some independence. Sending your dc to a summer camp they enjoy isn’t just about childcare.

I think it's fair for them to be with their dad rather than childcare if he's off work in the holidays and wants to have them. Not the whole summer as you'll want to take holiday and spend some time with them too. I also don't think that means he gets to stay in the home - better to sell up and split it, unless you can afford to buy him out?

One person (usually mum) does all this, at least my experience, and the experience of every resident parent I know.

Most men, including my EX, seem to think women are magically somehow better at DC admin. He won't have factored that into his suggestion, he just wants to avoid paying CMS/childcare while looking like Dad of the year

I just do it all, basically. I don't really trust XH to remember to top up school meals, read all emails etc. He never seems to know if there's an inset day or a late start/early finish on first/last day of term, despite getting exactly the same communications from school.

He does come to parents evening when he's able, but I book it (you have to be online and booking slots when it goes live or you miss out, and I just can't see him managing that). He is also taking one DC to the majority of their orthodontist appointments, because our dentist only does NHS work on XH's day ( we have 50/50 but set days and alternate weekends, not week on/week off). I ask him to do school shoes and I do uniform. Tried getting him to do the whole back-to-school shop one year and he only managed shoes because "there was just too much and it was stressful". Really annoyed me because I'd been doing it on my own for several years and always managed without anyone having a meltdown, even when they were quite young.

If your ex is reliable, you could make a list and divide it so that one of you does school meals, one does clubs etc. Or you manage most things for one child and he does the same for the other.

In our case, it's also split roles, but I take on the more irregular life admin tasks.

Birthdays and big holidays are alternate years.