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Original poster

DH pressuring me to find a job

834 replies

Macadamiamama · 07/04/2024 09:30

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

OP posts:
PrincessHoneysuckle · 07/04/2024 09:33

T.A in a school? You don't always need qualifications and it would work around your kids

Comingupriver · 07/04/2024 09:34

I think it’s time to form a plan. What is your ideal and start working toward it.

Candleabra · 07/04/2024 09:38

Ah another man who is happy for the woman to quit work and stay at home to bring up the children and support his career dreams for years, then are amazed she can’t immediately walk into a 70k job which has no impact on his life or home workload.

Dillydollydingdong · 07/04/2024 09:41

I don't think you can plan on staying at home and being a housewife forever! For your own sake, there's more to life! How old are you? Mid to early 30s? Maybe start somewhere (Supermarket? McDs?) and look at the career path in management?

Holidayshopping · 07/04/2024 09:42

What’s wrong with wearing a uniform?! Plenty of nurses seem to manage that ok.

The idea of work is nice

I don’t particularly like the idea of work-I’d much rather stay at home. I do it because it would be unreasonable to expect my DH to support the household financially alone.

What work did you do from home previously?

socks1107 · 07/04/2024 09:42

I agree with him, you probably do need to work in some capacity once your child starts school. I don't see why you couldn't do waitressing?

Natty13 · 07/04/2024 09:42

If you are going to start contributing financially, is he planning to start contributing to running the household - cooking, cleaning, childcare?

Birch101 · 07/04/2024 09:43

Yup you organise and pay for wrap around childcare and aim to go back into a role 3-4 days a week and you hire a cleaner

Look for roles with opportunities to go into management e.g. NHS, hospitality, retail

It's not unreasonable to expect you to go back to work

It is unreasonable to expect you to walk into a lucrative career and still manage a home and be main care giver

Also start putting into your own pension like I'm sure he has for years

Redditchcycler · 07/04/2024 09:44

Candleabra · 07/04/2024 09:38

Ah another man who is happy for the woman to quit work and stay at home to bring up the children and support his career dreams for years, then are amazed she can’t immediately walk into a 70k job which has no impact on his life or home workload.

Wow. The jobs the OP mentioned must pay way more than I realised !

Holidayshopping · 07/04/2024 09:44

Candleabra · 07/04/2024 09:38

Ah another man who is happy for the woman to quit work and stay at home to bring up the children and support his career dreams for years, then are amazed she can’t immediately walk into a 70k job which has no impact on his life or home workload.

He’s suggesting jobs like retail, waitress, receptionist.

The OP doesn’t suggest anywhere that he’s expecting her to walk into a £70k job.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2024 09:45

Candleabra · 07/04/2024 09:38

Ah another man who is happy for the woman to quit work and stay at home to bring up the children and support his career dreams for years, then are amazed she can’t immediately walk into a 70k job which has no impact on his life or home workload.

Did you read the OP? Where does he say she’s got to earn £70k? He’s suggested low stress low skill jobs she can do to build up her confidence and skills.

Corinthiana · 07/04/2024 09:45

There's nothing wrong with the jobs he's suggested. So what if you wear a uniform? If you work in retail or hospitality you'll be building up skills and getting back into the workplace. Start part time if necessary.
I think he's probably one of those men who don't fully understand what childcare and home making involves, so it's no bad thing if you can't do it all and he starts to grasp it.

Shrodingershousemove · 07/04/2024 09:45

Go and work as a receptionist somewhere, if you're keen enough you can and will get promoted rapidly.

BoxOfCats · 07/04/2024 09:45

Why won't he change anything in his life if you work? He can't have his cake and eat it too. Either you have been doing very little, in which case it shouldn't be onerous for him to pull his weight, or you've been doing a lot, on which case he needs to pull his weight!

They are your joint kids and you are a family, if you will both be working full time then there needs to be a fair and equal division of labour at home too. The disrespectful bastard.

nimski · 07/04/2024 09:46

It is very difficult to find work around school hours, the suggestion of a TA is a good one. Out School always needs them! Works round the kids and no uniform 😉 He does need to help more though if you aren't also working

MooQuackNeigh · 07/04/2024 09:46

It's not unreasonable for him to ask you to contribute financially, however it's NOT ok for him to expect his life to stay exactly the same.

If you are both working full time then he can't expect that.

It's hard to imagine doing anything now as you are still at home with a child but yes you could be looking for jobs from September.

The real issue is, does he expect you to find a job that works only in school hours in terms time? Because they are like hold dust. If he is reasonable then you should be able to sit down with him and write up a detailed and specific plan of how it would actually work. Who would do drop off and pick up, who would do sick days, who would do holidays etc. If it's you then ask him what job he expects you to get that meets those criteria?

As an alternative, are there any skills you can bring to the table to foster a flexible career or freelancing? I started a business a year ago based on my previous jobs in design. 90% working from home and it's slowly ramping up and when DD goes to school next year I'm hoping to build up to making 20kish a year part time and flexible around holidays etc. this might take longer to get there but could be offered as an alternative to DH. Same for training for a similar job. Will take longer but will mean he can keep his important man job!

Shepadoodle · 07/04/2024 09:46

Does he have a plan for how school drops offs, pickups and holidays will be managed? If you get a job as a waitress or in retails, is he going to do the evening or weekend childcare while you work?

I don't think he's unreasonable to think you should also get a job but he needs to be involved in working out the logistics.

Tiredandannoyed2023 · 07/04/2024 09:47

Frankly your comment about wearing a uniform is insulting. There are numerous skilled professional roles that require you to wear a uniform.

Namenamchange · 07/04/2024 09:47

If you start working, who will do all the house hold stuff? Have an honest conversation with him.
maybe his job is not compatible with family life and you both need to face a re think about what you all need and want.

Starfish1021 · 07/04/2024 09:47

Oh come on he wants his cake and eat it. He will have to step up and take on equal stakes in the child care. I would look at a qualification in an area you want to work in and tell him, this is the plan. Or you can take a loan to finance. I don’t think you should plan on not working forever. You would be in a very vulnerable position.

baileys6904 · 07/04/2024 09:47

Candleabra · 07/04/2024 09:38

Ah another man who is happy for the woman to quit work and stay at home to bring up the children and support his career dreams for years, then are amazed she can’t immediately walk into a 70k job which has no impact on his life or home workload.

What waitresses, receptionists or retail workers do u know earning 70k???

Those are the kind of jobs he mentioned to her...

colourfulcrochet · 07/04/2024 09:48

You both sound a bit snobby in different ways tbh.

OfficerChurlish · 07/04/2024 09:48

He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids)...

No, if you go back full time he needs to step up and take on his 50% of the shared household responsibilities. For the moment, as he is working an outside job full time and you are are not working outside the household at all, it's reasonable that you are doing all of the childcare that occurs while he is at work and most of the other household responsibilities, but he should be doing 50% of the childcare during the rest of the time for their sake - they only have two parents! (Of course, "helping with the bath" is laughable; he's their dad not their preteen big brother!! )

You definitely should find a job, though - this person doesn't sound like the most reasonable or trustworthy based on your description here and the more time that passes with you out of the formal workforce the more difficult it will be to make up for lost time.

FlabMonsterIsDietingAgain · 07/04/2024 09:48

I dont think he is being unreasonable, and he seems to understand that the roles you would be likely to get would be part time around school hours and low paid so where is the expectation that you 'double shift'.

You would presumably be working while the children are out of the house at school then caring for the children and house during the times when you currently care for the children and house.

So life wouldn't be getting easier for you and giving you more leisure time, but it wouldn't be getting harder either and you would be increasing household income which benefits everyone in the household.

CozyWinterDuvet · 07/04/2024 09:48

You have a few months until your youngest starts school. Why don’t you use that time to investigate what you’d like to do? You could look into retraining options etc.

Realistically, you can’t be a SAHM forever. Most women who have stayed at home with small children re-enter the workplace once their youngest are of school age.

I started back at work when my youngest was 5. I was low paid initially but then took opportunities for retraining and now have a professional career. No reason why you can’t do the same.