DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

You need to do something work wise for you regardless of what he wants in case the marriage breaks down or your DH drops dead. It’s as simple as that. Have your claimed child benefit? If you haven’t and then paid it back which you could have done as he is a high earner you will already have 9 missing years of NI payments.

Ask me how many marriages have broken down amongst my friendship group. Around a third , that’s better than the 50% divorce rate plus one friend was widowed. Depending on if they stayed in work or were a SAHP for years well it’s a shitshow for some.

Plus less of the disrespect for people in uniform.

It is about been part of the team. It sounds like he would like some support and is feeling the stress of been the only bread winner. If something should happen in the future you are both screwed.

It is also about providing an example to the dc - about both parents working and contributing to the household finances.

OP - if your youngest will be starting school in September, that means they were a covid baby and you had a toddler at home at the same time. I can easily see someone who has had such a different experience of the preschool years than most (particularly if you throw in that you aren’t from the UK so won’t have had a family network to lean on as it wasn’t possible to build a mum-friendship network due to restrictions), would find the idea of change daunting when life is just getting a bit easier.

But I would go back into this with an open conversation. I would definitely look at working in schools, so you have the holidays off for the first few years. But you will need to have your dh on board that you wouldn’t earn much per hour in that case, the upside is that you won’t have to pay for holiday childcare so until your dcs get older it might well balance out.

if your first language is one that’s routinely taught in UK schools (most teach French, Spanish or German) then you may get work in secondary schools as a language assistant- essentially a classroom assistant for the language department. If not, there are a lot of admin roles in secondary schools. Most will give priority to staff’s children for places in the future (all the state schools round here have at least 5 “staff priority” places each year, all the private offer either reduced fees or free places for children of staff.)

you might have to use some childcare- I went back to work in a school and had to use the breakfast club for our dcs but was home to collect them each night. You also will need to budget for a cleaner if he’s not prepared to take on any home responsibilities but wants you to work full time.

I think you really do need to get a plan in place. Not only to contribute financially but for your own long term good.

if you’re not keen on finding a job in retail, etc then how about studying towards a qualification?

It's not unreasonable to expect you to work, but it's unreasonable to expect that a 10am-2pm stress free job will be easily available. Gold dust where I am.

I expect you'd be thrilled to have a casual job during school hours and have holidays off with the kids and a relief from domestic chores. In reality he's expecting you to fulfilled the housewife and worker role, without his lifestyle changing.

Spell. It. Out. Thinking positively about work, show him a standard week and the school holidays. If you worked 9-5pm, which days (50/50) could be do drop offs or pick ups. Who will make packed lunches? How will kids sick days be covered? Kids admin? How will you split food shopping and cooking, not to mention cleaning. Will the children stay for after-school club everyday? Homework etc. life the chores you do each day for a discussion on splitting them. Holidays- will you take a week or two off each each year to just do childcare rather than go away. Etc. All framed positivity around you being keen to work and contribute.

DH and I split being at home (with pre-schooler) and children and it's SO useful for a stress free life. Money is okay/fairly tight, but life for and with the house & children very manageable.

If your kids fall sick on a day you work who takes the day off?

If you work in retail or hospitality, you’ll probably have to work bank holidays, weekends and possibly evenings or nights so he can’t refuse to do more housework and childcare.

OP, having financial Independence is so so important.
I went back to work (after 8 years, no college degree) having been out of the workforce when my kids were small. I now earn more than my H.
If something happened your DH, if he left you for OW what then?

What is wrong with working in a uniform?

You might enjoy getting out if the house and into the adult community. Who knows where ut will lead ?

My husband works from home if the kids are poorly and need a day off school. He is lucky that he has a job where he can work from home - he can juggle his workload around looking after the ill child. If they were really really unwell (eg one of my kids was recovering from surgery) then I take a few days off. But 90% of the time my husband does it.

I am sure he will complain about the cost of a cleaner, wraparound care and has no intention of doing anything more around the house. He will have no intention of doing any school drop offs and there is no doubt that it is you who will be taking time off when the children are sick. I am a lawyer and it was only possible for me to work because I moved to work in government and not in private practice where the hours are really brutal. (The battle for fees and billing is awful.) It was only possible for me to do that because my husband did a lot of the heavy lifting when I went back to work six weeks after c-sections. He did the night feeds so I could rest and recover with the second one. He worked from home so the children could stay home with him if they were sick. (He was very disciplined about work hours though as he was very focussed on it being his livelihood.) We had nannies for the children for the first year for both of them. We had a cleaner and a gardener. It was awfully hard and expensive. Most of the partners when I was in private practice had stay at home wives who did everything. To give those partners their due none of them expected their wives to do a bit of waitressing on the side.

Op, how about project management or some sort of sales position which is commission based?

The issue here is that he seems to think you need a minimum wage job to contribute financially to the household while still doing all the housework, but I understand where you're coming from - you're a university educated person same as he is so surely if you're going to work you should have a career with prospects too.

It seems unfair that you both will be working but he gets the rewarding career and won't have to worry about childcare and housework. You still have to bring in money but on his terms, which mean a min wage job and all the household load.

Personally, I think it is right that you work. Otherwise he will grow to resent you for not pulling your weight and your marriage will probably fail. However, I think before you work you need to retrain in something that you feel reflects your abilities. Otherwise I would feel the same as you - youll hate being stuck in a minimum wage job, managing the house like a lone parent, while your wealthy (ish) husband continues with up the career ladder and has a lifestyle to match. This set up will hurt you in a divorce too I would think.

Of course you need to work. And it’s stupid not to. Many marriages end, and what would you do then? Your comment about uniform is very snobby and offensive. You know nurses and midwives wear uniforms? And if you want to buy a house, you aren’t in a good position if you don’t work, as you class as a dependent.

Eh? He suggested waitresses or retail work, but the OP clearly feels that she is above sl these roles.

Both of your attitudes suck a bit like OP. Your husband and his wanting you to do all of the running of the household and bring in money and your snobbish attitude to the kind of jobs you need to be realistic about at the start.

First you sit down with husband and ask him what he's willing to take on himself because you won't be able to do it all. You also need to discuss school holidays and kid sick days and how taking time off will look like for the both of you.

There are jobs out there you could do when he's there to take over with the kids. Mega early mornings or evenings. Something like cleaning. Which isnt tacking and brings in a bit of coin. Means you're still free during the day.

Ultimately you both need to change your attitudes a bit.

What are your ambitions, OP?

I think it’s totally reasonable of you not to want to be pushed into a second shift of dead end work that you will find stressful, unfulfilling and which won’t build your earning capacity. But with all your kids in education it’s time to start looking at how you move back into the work force, because it’s likely to take time.

To be blunt, what choice do you have? There is no legal obligation on him to provide for you if he no longer wants to. He pays the piper so he calls the tune. If you're unable to persuade him to continue your current arrangements then you will either have to leave him and try to find another means of not working (which is basically another man, because you'd be expected to find work if you tried to claim benefits) or stay with him and work. Tbh the fact he's suggesting minimum wage jobs despite the money being negligible suggests he is feeling deeply resentful of you. The fact he expects you to work and do all the domestics doesn't bode well either, so your marriage sounds in pretty poor shape. Which is all the more reason you should be establishing some financial dependence while you still have the cushion of his income. It would be far harder to retrain and build a career as a single parent

If you have a degree from your home country could you train to be a teacher?

Not sure what your problem is apart from the fact you don’t want to contribute financially.
Get a job and childcare like everyone else does.
Lack of confidence is a crap excuse. Avoiding work will make your confidence much worse.

Fair enough

I think you need to address this frankly with him. With your youngest child starting school, you will gain some hours. Most kids are in school roughly 9-3 but will need to be dropped off and picked up so take an hour off.
School also adds some admin burden (reading, costumes to be provided, packed lunches) so take another 30 minutes a day off.
You are gaining 22.5 hours a week in term time, that’s 16.8 hours per week overall (as few jobs are term time only)

So either you are available to work 16 hours per week which could be hard to find or I would suggest you work more but he needs to contribute the hours back to the family. If you’re working 25 hours a week, he needs to give six hours more to family life to make it balance. This is an adjustment period for both of you. As work is inherently less flexible than being at home, you both need to consider how you will manage sick days/teacher strikes and also employers that don’t flex for the school play, the fact the kids finish school at 3pm. Is he going to do some pick ups, are you going to pay for after school club?

Sit him down and work out the details. I wouldn’t let him just say ‘oh don’t go back then’ and then resent you. You should go back. Working is important, being able to earn an income to support your kids matters but it should be clear to him that this isn’t just a change for you, it will be a change for him too.

You arent a suit wearing lawyer, you married one.
If you want to leave the house in a suit then you need to get a job yourself that necesitates one.
I appreciate that its daunting getting back into work and its going to be a challenge if you have been out of work for a while but it sounds like you managed to get a WFH job before so you might be able to do so again.
Your DH does need to realise that things will change if you work though, which might be a bigger challenge than you finding a job

"he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform."

You sound very snob OP. What's wrong with using uniform?.

I’d love a work uniform, I’m so sick of having to figure out outfits for office days.