DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

I working in a library part time hours that fit round the kids. I do 2.5 days per week totalling 13 hours . On my 'days off' I exercise, walk the dog. visit my elderly parents and clean/house admin. This means after school and weekends are about family not house work. Dh works full time with a hour each way commute he does do bed time with kids every night and on weekends he cooks, does any diy jobs and will put a wash in. Hoover or empty dishwasher.

If you are expected to continue to manage the house and kids to facilitate his work then I wouldn't work full time. I'd look for a part time role 2-3 days a week so you get some down time and time to clean.

YABU.

If you can’t afford luxuries, and it sounds like he’s under a lot of stress providing, and your youngest is in school - there’s not really an argument for you to not work at all.

What do you count as a reasonable wage for your time? Remember you get >£12k tax free - so a part time role of some sort would be quite efficient in topping up the household budget while still leaving you lots of time.

What might you enjoy doing, to help you build up some confidence?

Most women do the ‘double shift’ of work and kids I’m afraid.

He is BU in thinking his life won’t change and he does need to take on some household responsibilities.
However you are BVU to not want to get a job. What’s wrong with wearing a uniform?
I don’t want to turn this into a competition but I have 3 children, I’m a single parent and I work. My children are well cared for, my house is clean and tidy and I never really feel like it’s too much to manage.

There are plenty of jobs which are hybrid or remote only now thanks to the pandemic.

Have a look at your council jobs website where you will see term time jobs advertised. Aim for a school admin or TA post which will fit in with the school holidays. I did this initially and then moved to hybrid full time when the kids went to secondary school.

No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.

you sound spoilt and entitled and you really need to get over yourself. It’s really not hard to have even a full time job and kids, many many of us do it, it sounds like you just don’t want to! The end.

Projection much??

In your haste to rattle out your diatribe you forgot to read the OPs message.

I think you're being a little insulting about the uniformed jobs, to be honest. There's nothing wrong with an honest day's work, whatever form that takes - you're sort of implying that you feel it's beneath you. Wearing a uniform to work isn't an indication of a lack of ambition or being too stupid to do anything else. We all do what we can to put food on the table.

Being the sole earner is absolutely the most stressful thing, I can assure you. The responsibility is overwhelming.

You do need to go to work. It's time.

Yes you are.....

"The idea of work is appealing but I feel stressed I do so much" your youngest is off to school what will you do other than clean a flat and get dinner ready 38 weeks a year
You want a house.....who's going to pay for it.
He would leave in a suit and id have to wear a uniform

You do realise that many women have no choice but to leave babies in childcare 10 plus hours a day while working how stressful is that?

You are understandably nervous about going back to work after 9 years dip your toe back in you will be fine. Your hopes for a house will come true sooner.

Wonder if the OPs husband will pick up some of the house jobs?
or does he just expect her to do everything

Unless you can find term time only work your childcare costs are going to be very high. Has your DH investigated the costs and does he recognise that he has to contribute towards this cost? If not you both need to sit down and realistically plan ahead. Of course it’s preferable for you to earn, have a pension etc but it’s a joint enterprise.

He definitely also needs to commit to contributing more to the family time-wise and taking responsibility for using his AL to cover the many, many occasions that the DC aren’t in school.

Bit more to it than popping out and getting a job in retail that magically fits in without rocking his boat.

You say you’re not from the UK. Do you speak a second language? Could you tutor that language online? What is your degree in? Could you tutor that? If your husband is okay with you earning minimum wage, he would likely support you working fewer hours tutoring as you can charge £20-£30 per hour There is daytime, evening and weekend work so you could fit it around your life.

I would be very clear with him that he will need to change if you go out to work including taking days off when the child needs to stay home from school. Ask him what will happen during school holidays. The kids will need to be in holiday club every day etc. I imagine he expects you to do all this. I would personally think about what job you would like to have. Do you have any qualifications? What qualifications would help you to get a job you want? Could you get a part time job while you also study? He might not want this but tough. I think you need to start to contribute but you also need to protect yourself. What would happen if the marriage ended? He would still have his 70k job and you would be stuck with low paid employment.

Look, quite apart from anything else you need to start protecting yourself financially. What would you do if he met someone else, got ill, lost his job, or just started behaving like a twat and you needed to get out? Getting some financial independence is irreplaceable and he’s giving you the green light to do it.

Of course there will be changes in your life. He might have to start pulling his weight a bit more with the childcare (like dropping off at school- loads of people in high pressured jobs do this), maybe you’ll have to use a school club occasionally and holiday clubs- and of course he will have to pay for these. But 1000s of people manage to have both parents working, and it’s usually a good thing if there is some balance.

I completely agree that you shouldn’t be doing all of the childcare and working though so best to get that sorted out straight away, plus I also think that re-training for a fulfilling career is compketely justifiable (so long as it will eventually get some bills paid- so not a typical hobbyist course like interior design, yoga, etc (unless you’re amazing at it)).

My advice would be think about how you want to spend your time when the kids are teenagers/ left home and work towards that.

https://www.westminster.gov.uk/jobs-and-volunteering

Click on the school jobs tab to see the term time jobs. I don't know which borough council you live under but I used Westminster as an example.

You could temp and find interesting work that way? When you get a job talk to him about how to handle school pick up etc. Quite apart from what he thinks you should always have your own income. There’s enough threads on mumsnet to show you that marriages don’t always work and you need your options open

Not having time to do anything round the house as a reason not to work is a cop out, how do you think we lone parents manage it? I am a single mum working full time and have no partner, I manage.

However, as you do have a husband, he should be taking on more household responsibilities if he wants you to work.

You sound like a princess. Plenty of people have to manage part time work and children.

I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.

Honestly, just grow up. And get a job.

Once children are in full time school it doesn't take an adult 30 hours a week to do housework. You need to contribute financially to the household. Your attitude to certain jobs is also ridiculous. What do you think you should be doing? Are you qualified for that? If so great get a job in that industry instead, if not get any job.

I think @Heronwatcher has nailed it. I understand that your confidence may be a bit low after being at home with the children for so long, but if you don't make a start, your confidence won't increase. You're an educated woman, you have experience of living in different countries, you can turn your hand to anything.

Is he going to take time off when the kids are sick or its the school holidays?

I think he is being perfectly fair. With your children in school you won’t have the care element of your contribution to the household for 30 odd hours a week. There is only so much cleaning and meal prep you can do.

Of course you will start at the bottom with a job - but that won’t change if you look for a job now or in 10 years time.

I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.

What was the job? How many hours and how long did you do it for?

No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.

You clearly think you are better than this. What job do you think you should be doing and what qualifications do you have which would enable you to do so?

All of you suggesting the OP looks at being a TA - the job is changing beyond recognition. It isn't as simple as just walking into a school, doing a bit of reading and helping the teacher with displays, etc. (Not that it ever really was!!)

In my school, we only have 2 'TAs' in the traditional sense. The others are all 1-2-1s for children with significant special needs and require specific training or qualifications. This is happening in many many schools across the country as budgets have been slashed.

It's an incredibly tough job for crap pay & isn't as straightforward as you may think. The only plus is that it fits into term-time. Although you're also only paid pro-rata...

Sorry - just thought I'd mention it...

Could you find a temp job? Maybe brush up your skills & update your CV? (Not that being a SAHM doesnt require a vast skill set before anyone pounces!!)

I was just about to suggest this. If you have a uni degree, and English is your second language, you could privately tutor in your native language?