DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

Time to get off your backside OP

Exactly this. You are already contributing quite a lot. If you’re going to contribute financially, he has to cover the gap that will be left with kids and household responsibilities.

Both DH and I work full time. It's shit sometimes and it's hard to manage but you just do.
It would be so unreasonable to expect someone else to fund you through life

This issue has come up before OP and most Mumsnetters will be very unkind to you about it. According to the average Mumsnetter, the work you do at home is meaningless, and even if your DH is on £500k a year it’s still somehow worth you taking a £14k teaching assistant job even though half of the family money legally belongs to you.

Mumsnetters who have husbands who actually do housework and childcare cannot comprehend how much work the traditional housewife role requires and do not care to. They also don’t realise how highly some men are paid.

Anyway. It is not fair for your husband to obtain all the advantages of having family and also a high paid middle class career for himself, him having both of those things required you to support him with huge amounts of unpaid housework and childcare, and then suddenly announce that he expects you to work in a minimum wage job.

What might be fairer would be for you to identify a path towards a career you would find suitable. A lot of middle class mums go into low paid but high prestige jobs like publishing or academia.

The most challenging part of this change is getting the f/t worker to understand that if the SAHP goes back to back to work then the f/t worker has to do more. I was a SAHP for 8 years and despite having a very supportive DH when i went back to work he found it a bit of a shock how much didn't get done at home when i was at work. I was able to go back to a very professional well paid role though so didn't have the problem of not knowing what job i could do.

I would take the opportunity to really think about what you would like in a career. And then work out how to get there.

You could look at a degree apprenticeship for example

Your DH will need to step up more at home for sure but I would start with working on what you would like to do

This is definitely a conversation they need to have. But the answer to this issue is not to simply not go to work.

Your child going to school means it’s time to start work.

The longer you don’t work, the less confident you will be. No magic moment is going to occur where you feel more capable - you just have to get out there. Your husband know this.

Get some career advice, figure out where you think you want to go and start working towards it - slowly at first.

Start PT so you aren’t fully double shifting. Tell him he needs to step up a bit more so you can build your career.

Some of us are lone parents and manage to do it all ourselves. The idea that you can't work AND run the household is ludicrous. I'm not saying that OP's partner shouldn't step up and take on some household responsibilities but saying that you need someone at home to have a decent career is nonsense because lone parents do it all!

@Ellysa I don't think this is the sort of situation you think it is

We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.

Doesn't sound like the DH is on 500k

The others are all 1-2-1s for children with significant special needs and require specific training or qualifications.

I agree that all jobs in schools now are 1:1 for very high need children. Unfortunately as things are so desperate, I wouldn’t say they need specific qualifications though as schools are so desperate. It’s now so often just a case of, ‘when can you start?!’ and an an hoc training will happen when they are in!

The jobs are generally short-term (as funding is attached to pupils in a short-term basis and may be lost at an AR or if the child moves setting) and will probably involve personal care-nappy changing, PEG feeds or some level of physical behaviour.

You would obviously still need childcare before/after school though if the child was at a different school to your own.

He does yes

But the OP’s question is is it reasonable that she go back to work - to which the answer is yes.

The first step to making sure he pulls his finger out is her accepting that she needs to go back, taking control of it, and handing him a list of jobs.

It's worth having a conversation with him about what he expects.

If you have kids in school then either a parent needs to do drop off and pick ups or you need pre and post school care. Does your school have a breakfast/after school club?

Sit down with him and explain that you want to get a job but you need to know what to look for. Ask him if he will do any drop offs and pick ups. If not, explain that either you will need to get a school hours /term time job or as a family you will need to pay for childcare.

My DH was desperate for me to go back to work in similar circumstances and I did but he had a much better appreciation of the problems after he took on responsibility for finding pre and after school care (I couldn't find anything and he said "you just weren't looking right" and then was crestfallen at at how hard it was).

No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.

Massive disrespect. Stop looking down on people. Get a job.

Agree with you 100%
So many FM's often being diblebrately obtuse and always ready to put down the OH when there is no need for it.

I think you’ll find it’s the OP that’s turning her nose up and perfectly good, low stress jobs because she’ll have to wear a uniform (the horror)

Say no more.

I agree but I’ve seen enough threads to draw a conclusion to what the high powered man whose wife has always looked after the kids and house would expect

I’m team husband. I was a SAHM for 10 years when our children were 0-5. My husband earns a 6 figure salary and we could afford for me not to work at all, but why on earth should my husband pay for everything while I live a life of leisure, that’s just not fair. And what would I do all day while my children are at school?! We have a very large family home and I do laundry for 6 people, but that wouldn’t fill up 30 hours a week. I work 3 days a week 10-2 in a minimum wage job - yes it’s peanuts money compared to what my husband earns, but it means that I have my own money to spend, I can buy treats for the family with the satisfaction that I paid for it, my Husband respects me and sees me as an equal and it gives me self respect and a social life. I have zero shame in working a low paid job, I enjoy it more than my full two days a week doing boring housework! Right now some of my kids are still at primary school, but once the youngest is at High School I plan to start my own full-time business - the skills and contacts I have made in my humble job have been invaluable.

Get a part time job if you will still be doing the other stuff.

My dad did the exact same thing with my mum. Perfectly happy for her to stay at home and raise the kids, and look after the house, so that he didn't have to lift a finger when he was at home.
BUT, it all coincided with him having a stressful time at work, and even having to go on medication for depression. I think he looked around, saw mum sitting around doing nothing (as far as he cared), and flipping his shit on that, because it was easier than managing the work situation.
Bare in mind that this was the late 90s/early 00s, and mum hadn't had a paid job since about 1980. I think she applied for a few things, had one interview, that she didn't get. But it was all very much under duress.
But by then, dad's work situation started to improve, his mental health got better, and mum having a job was literally never mentioned again.

As it happened, a couple of years after that, she inherited the management of an indoor market, so would visit it once a week to collect the rents. She enjoyed that, because it was on HER terms.

All that being said, I think it's considered the norm that once kids are settled into school, that mum goes off and finds a job of some sort. But DH needs to understand that you can't work AND do all the other household tasks as well.

I am sure that you will find it satisfying to be in some part time work once you feel happy to start.

It is unfortunate that your OH does not want you to increase your prospects of interesting work by getting some further education.

He needs you to be clear with him - if you return to work then there will need to be changes at home. Either he will have to pick up some of the jobs at home that you are currently doing, or you will need to pay someone else to do them. The alternative is that you, like many other working mothers, will be meeting yourself coming back trying to fit everything in. He needs to grasp that things will change and a great deal of what he has taken for granted up till now will not be so easy - and probably for minimal financial gain if you take the sort of jobs that he is proposing.

When it comes down to it you need to do some planning for your future - how do you see yourself in 10 years time? What would you like to be doing then? If you can clarify these things in your mind, then you will have concrete plans to put in front of him.

I do have sympathy with anyone (male or female) who is working long hours and feeling stressed.

Yeah it's this.

Where does it say he says this? He actually encourages lower paid roles

If you have no money for luxuries and holidays etc and are looking to move to a house you need to get a job to contribute financially
your dh is suggesting low stress jobs that you seem to think is beneath you because of wearing a uniform.