DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

There is nothing wrong with any of those jobs, but I would make it very clear that i cannot take a job and also do everything including all the school holidays and sick leave children take. He doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it too- men with working wives have to contribute to the house and parenting.
take a job, minimum wage is fine. Manage it and make sure your dh contributes at home too. Think about going back to study in a year or two, perhaps in evenings.

In advance of returning to the work, you need to have a clear understanding with him as to how you will split school drop-off and pick-ups between you both, the logistics of after school and holiday child-care, how days your children are too ill for school will be covered, etc. How your evenings and weekends will operate with regards to household stuff like cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc, etc. If he refuses to partake in any of this, refuse to be pressurised to return to work.

Though try and find something that suits you, so that you can start to earn your own money, so that you are not reliant on him and have something to fall back on down the line.

Your DH may want you to be earning but changing circumstances like that needs to be thought through.
OP what was your previous profession, or what career do you want to build?
Can you sit down with your DH and work out a sensible plan for how to move forward and what that’d mean re childcare and other responsibilities at home. If your unsure about what career you want to build the TA option others mentioned is a good option BUT your DH needs to fully understand that’d mean changes at home.

Yes it is reasonable for you to go back to work when your children are in school full time. It must be very frustrating being solely financially responsible for the whole household when the other adult is capable of working but chooses not to. I’m not sure what you mean about having to go out wearing a uniform. Time to put your big girl pants on and get on with it.

Sounds like your dh has a good idea. It gives you confidence to start working. Alot of the jobs he suggested work around children or you can wrap around care at the school. Might be an idea to approach your local adult education college asap as they run free courses to help mums return to work. Good luck in your job search

Totally this.

Who cares if he’d be leaving the house in a suit and you’d be leaving in a uniform??? You sound like a total snob when you’ve got no qualifications or work experience to get a high pay high skilled role. And really some of the most important jobs in our society require a uniform.

Life is expensive. Inflation has caused mortgages and utility bills to skyrocket. Even good professions don’t really afford a high quality of life any more. That said, you are not communicating well as a couple on this issue. You need a shared short, medium and long term plan.

Short:
You look for family-friendly work during this school day to being in a little pocket money. It will be low paid.

Medium:
You identify your chosen career and your path to that career. Identify necessary training and work experience you need, how much it will cost and when you could do it. He will have to pay for this if he wants the benefits.

Long:
You enter your career when your children are teenagers and you have more time.

Exactly. And what is a suit if not a uniform?

Your youngest is off to school - your DH is not unreasonable to expect you to now contribute financially. However he can’t have it both ways, any more than you can.

He hasn’t said she needs to work full time, or anything of the sort. He just doesn’t want her sitting on her arse 30 hours a week whilst the kids are in school. She can quite easily pick up 15 or 20 hours a week and still manage drop offs and pick ups.

how can she be a stay at home parent, when there are no kids at home to parent?

sounds to me like she was looking forwards to the kids starting school and having some leisure time! She hasn’t worked for 9 years, why on earth should he continue to support her.

My DH probably would. Instead of wearing his suit and tie every day. But I’m (thankfully) in a country where men and women share maternity leave and everything else.

Exactly this

It’s not unreasonable for you to go back to work once your child is settled in school- but this is completely unreasonable:

‘He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself! ‘

He needs to understand what household things you do now, how long it takes you, and agree to split things fairly once you are working, so that you both have a reasonable opportunity for leisure time.

Even if you do manage to get a School Hours in Term Time job (I’ve just realised the acronym potential!) don’t let yourself be suckered into doing everything else at home still.

My experience is that my ex was happy with the idea of me going back to work, but it soon became apparent that he wanted the clean house / dinner on the table / let Daddy get on with his important work lifestyle still, without doing any of the jobs that he didn’t like. Eg he wanted to take the kids ‘off your hands’ to the park at the weekend, whilst I got on with tidying, cleaning and cooking dinner. I eventually felt like a servant who was paying to be at work, and we’re divorced now!

Luckily I can support myself and my kids, as I found a job with scope for progression, that fitted my interests and experience/qualifications.

What was your degree/previous employment and what career would you ideally like to pursue? Think about how you can work towards that, even if it means needing after school or holiday clubs.

Why don’t you have any luxuries? If he’s a lawyer in London who has been working without a career break, he must be earning upwards of £150k surely? Unless he’s in criminal or family law.

He sounds like a stingy man so if I was you I would get a job in order to afford treats for you and the children.

No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.

So do you have a problem with pilots who wear a uniform, or is it just because you think a shop assistant is beneath you?

How off turning it eventually must be to come home to someone like this. No ambitions, nothing really to talk about, just someone being dependant on your salary.

I’d be pissed off if I was in a stressful job with long hours.

I think you need to get off your high horse. Working a low paid job that works around your kids is still bringing in money.

Having a SAHP only works when both people agree to it. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a SAHP to go back to work once the youngest child is at school.

The suit and tie IS HIS UNIFORM.
Sounds like you don't want to get your hands dirty.
Do you not want to earn your own money OP?
I can't think of anything worse than not having my own wage packet, even if it is a small one!

There are an awful lot of posters on this thread who don't seem to have a clue how much work sahps can do. (I will caveat by saying there is the option to not do anything and just ignore your dc but that isn't one that I would have thought people would aspire to).

7-9 - decent homemade breakfast, make decent pack lunch, help get ready, walk to school and back

9-11 - housework, errands, admin, garden, diy, shopping

3-8 - walk to school and back, decent homemade dinner, ferrying back and forth to extra curricular, help with homework, reading to them, bath.

That's 9 hours. Same as a full time job.

Yes, I'm sure people will be on this thread saying 'I do all that and I work full time' and if you do, and thus work 9+8=17 hours a day, then that would not be a work life balance I'd aspire to.

Only gets to have this attitude if he's going to do his fair share of housework and childcare- which he won't.

I suggest finding a job OP. When he realises how much this impacts his life, he'll be begging you to stop.

But you shouldn't. This is a man who has no appreciation for 'woman's work'. So you can't rely on him and need to gain some independence. One day he might just leave you high and dry, and then what will you do?

Yes, agree with this! Larger supermarkets and fast food chains often have management programmes designed to have on The job training to move up into senior positions. Then after some time in a senior role, you can reevaluate if you want to stay in the supermarket/fast food place or take the management experience you’ve gained and apply it in another place of work.

shift availability in supermarkets and fast food could be helpful for you too

You think retail or waitressing are low stress?????? Seriously? Those are some of the most soul destroyingly stressful jobs going.

As long as he agrees to be on speed dial from the school everytime they ring with sickness/forgotten PE kit/lunch whatever. There is a LOT of this at primary.
If you have fair practices in place fir all the sickness and emergency issues maybe you could look for something in school hours.
I had a wonderful DM who picked up for the sickness calls so we could both work.

You both sound as bad as each other. If you were my DD I'd tell you to imagine DH leaving. What position would that put you in?

You don't say how many DC you have but with no job you'd be at the mercy of UC, which only supports two DC (if born since 2017). This site has shown me many wealthy men can easily find ways to avoid child maintenance or pay very little. You are in a very precarious position. For your sake you should want a degree of financial autonomy as soon as possible.