Page 20 | Stuck between parents and DH

clawcliphurts · 2024-04-06T19:50:52+00:00

My DH doesn't get on with my parents, they don't really particularly like him either. I am stuck in the middle as I love my parents even though they can be awkward and love my DH. I am tolerant of people and I can honestly tolerate most people - he says life is too short to "only tolerate people". So I am now presuming the only way forward is to see them without him being involved. He can't understand why I can't see how cold and rude they are- I find them very loving and I have never known any different. He was brought up in a very different way and I find his family so het up and formal but I don't begrudge spending time or seeing them. Both my siblings got divorced last year and my DH is convinced its because of the in laws. He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them. I' ve told him I won't choose and he needs to be more tolerant - he says life is too short to "just be tolerant" and that he can't have them hanging over him for the rest of his life- I asked what he meant and he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life. AIBU? They have never done anything personally to him they are just very very different people.

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/04/2024 23:24

Your husband is giving me the ick OP and I’m not sure why you are being so subservient to him
@clawcliphurts

Tahlbias · 08/04/2024 23:35

I'm sorry, but your husband and family are unreasonable! Poor you, being stuck in the middle of that. Your family are completely normal and don't think otherwise!

Dotcomma · 09/04/2024 00:01

How do you two get on, what is your family life like - that's the main consideration?

Grandparents/Inlaws - I didn't have any parents when I married nor when we had DD. Instead I had a MIL who wanted to be my birthing partner, DH told me & he was up for the idea because it got him off the hook or so he thought. From me it was a firm NO. She wanted IN on everything & he was happy with that because it free'd him up to do man things & the baby was surrounded by cluckers or so he thought.

What I'm saying is he's looking to control everything - so does he step up & play hubby & daddy? Does he take charge when his inlaws turn up - make drinks and sort food out - master in his own house - but not in anyone else's, that's their house.

Rikitiki78 · 09/04/2024 02:25

Is it possible that he just needs an excuse to leave the relationship since he feels that he “needs to reassess the relationship”because of your parents?

anon4net · 09/04/2024 02:49

I'm sorry @clawcliphurts you don't have a parent problem, you have a dh problem. He has issues. His parents have issues. He is projecting those onto your parents and blaming them for things that are normal and healthy. Your parents sound warm, not cold.

You have a few red flags in your post, I worry about whether your dh puts you down? Makes you feel less? If a man took issue with my Mum having a cup of tea in my home that she made herself, I'd tell him to sling his hook, end of.

Nip this in the bud. Enough with his comments. Enough with the put downs. Your family, as is his, is welcome and if he doesn't like it, he can leave.

EmeraldA129 · 09/04/2024 02:53

The problem isn’t your parents op, it’s your husband. He sounds like a horror!

I feel completely at home in my mums & my brothers homes as they do in mine. We all have keys, will make ourselves drinks, definitely use the loo… my family are my home.

At your in-laws do you never stay for a full day? Or does your DH pop out mid visit to go pee at the local supermarket? That sounds totally ridiculous to me.

Bigcat25 · 09/04/2024 03:23

What does your husband think of his sister? Since she doesn't buy into this outlook either? Does she visit your house ever?

annoyingboyfriend · 09/04/2024 05:18

Your husband is really bloody weird

Yalta · 09/04/2024 08:54

Have you considered your MIL has an issue with control

Being controlling is how she shows love

The invites for specific times, the food, how it is served and eaten. She can turn on the tap of love.

Go against her and she is estranged from her daughter and calls her grandson a brat.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable in exposing my children to her tactics

NOTANUM · 09/04/2024 09:02

I think that’s quite harsh @Yalta

I think the MIL has a tendency to show love through ostentatious entertaining but it’s coming from a place of “how it is done” than anything malicious I think. Roll back 60 years and some of us older Mumsnet posters had grandparents who were entertaining in a drawing room used only for visitors. The toilet thing may have been because not everyone had an indoor toilet. She isn’t modernising fast enough basically and is stuck in the past.
Her son sounds like he’s also got a fixed mindset but has also grown up listening to this as the right thing to do. But he’s the one I’d be working on. I’d start by taking the piss when he entertains our friends like that and pointing out how informal our return visits are.
Super granny may be in there, just needs help breaking out. The kids love her, she engages with them well (better than OP’s GPs) and Id be working on the husband in this case.

Airspice · 09/04/2024 10:14

Actually now I have written this it has made me realise how overwhelming my family must be to him and maybe I need to take a step back.

No OP, your family is COMPLETELY normal, it’s HIS family that are odd!! He doesn’t use his mum’s toilet because he was brought up not to use relatives bathrooms?? What sort of absolute nonsense is that??! And I would often make tea at my lovely late Mum’s house, and she did at mine. And same with my sister, and brother. Please don’t alienate your NORMAL family because your dh was brought up like that!

Quartz2208 · 09/04/2024 10:57

@Airspice whereas I do agree with a lot of what you say I don’t think it is completely normal to just turn up at a relatives house (even parent child) and just let yourself in without indicating that you were coming - that is a boundary I th8nk the OP should put in place. I see my parents a lot but they would never just turn up

Ponoka7 · 09/04/2024 11:23

Putting it simply, he's been adversely influenced by his mother's poor MH. He's convinced himself that it is the way things should be done, party as a coping mechanism. Whose life would you pick for your children, your DPs or your MILs?

Notforbeef · 09/04/2024 16:44

clawcliphurts · 06/04/2024 22:01

I am not sure if it is some sort of jealousy - my parents were quite well off and as I child I got to experience lots of different things - his family struggled financially and he did very little as a child. My parents both worked until their early 70's so they still had money to enjoy a rich and varied life with lots of travel when they retired. He can't understand why anyone would want to work past 60. They are rubbish with the kids birthdays, they often don't bother to see them and at christmas I always end up buying gifts for them to give them because they just can't be bothered and I get that - they have become very selfish since retiring because they are so busy being busy.

I would say myself, my siblings and my parents have a relaxed relationship, - we all have to keys to our parents and we pop in if passing etc but his mum has to invite you to her house and neither him nor his sister have a key. If I visit my parents I will make a cup of tea- at his mums you have to sit and she will make a cup of tea sometimes but not always. At his mums the children aren't allowed to watch TV but kids just put it on at my parents He thinks I am rude in my parents house and the fact that I think it is ok for the kids to switch the TV on at their house. My mum has been known to make a drink at our house and to me that is normal and I have had to remind my mum more than once that it is my husbands house as well and he isn't happy with her doing that which she found hard to understand. I allow my parents to use our bathroom but DH will not use his mums bathroom as he was brought up to use public conveniences instead of using toilets in relatives houses. He has never used the toilet in his mums house or made a drink - to me this is odd.

I think the main problem is - his mum is too extreme in her formality and my parents are maybe too relaxed he feels uncomfortable.

I have quite a big family and there is always some event or other golden wedding, wedding, christening and he feels completely out of his comfort zone because I do have a big family and we do have big get togethers but I thought being relaxed with no airs and graces is much easier to be than stuffy and formal. His family is just his mum and his sister her H and their 4 yr old so very few family get togethers. I like his mum and sister and do find the formality of sitting in a chair and being waited on hand and foot very different to my family.

Actually now I have written this it has made me realise how overwhelming my family must be to him and maybe I need to take a step back.

Based on this I would be considering my relationship with HIM - his family is completely weird and I would not want that anywhere near my children.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/04/2024 17:16

@pizzaHeart said "I also think that his conversations about your siblings’ divorced and about reevaluating your relationship are very odd. It’s like he’s finding excuses to break with you and trying to make you the guilty party."

@clawcliphurts I think the above bears thinking about. Do you think there is any chance he wants out and is using this as an excuse? I know it's been a problem for some time, but it sounds as if he's either 'ramping it up' in his mind which could lead to further abuse (because IMHO his behaviour is abusive and controlling) or he's looking for a reason to get out (or to make you want out).

Dotcomma · 09/04/2024 23:04

The "bathroom" behaviour is maybe down to MIL's anxiety. I've never heard of any family member having to use a public convenience because their mum wouldn't allow them to use her bathroom. Is it a germ/cleanliness issue?

T1Dmama · 09/04/2024 23:08

clawcliphurts · 06/04/2024 22:01

I am not sure if it is some sort of jealousy - my parents were quite well off and as I child I got to experience lots of different things - his family struggled financially and he did very little as a child. My parents both worked until their early 70's so they still had money to enjoy a rich and varied life with lots of travel when they retired. He can't understand why anyone would want to work past 60. They are rubbish with the kids birthdays, they often don't bother to see them and at christmas I always end up buying gifts for them to give them because they just can't be bothered and I get that - they have become very selfish since retiring because they are so busy being busy.

I would say myself, my siblings and my parents have a relaxed relationship, - we all have to keys to our parents and we pop in if passing etc but his mum has to invite you to her house and neither him nor his sister have a key. If I visit my parents I will make a cup of tea- at his mums you have to sit and she will make a cup of tea sometimes but not always. At his mums the children aren't allowed to watch TV but kids just put it on at my parents He thinks I am rude in my parents house and the fact that I think it is ok for the kids to switch the TV on at their house. My mum has been known to make a drink at our house and to me that is normal and I have had to remind my mum more than once that it is my husbands house as well and he isn't happy with her doing that which she found hard to understand. I allow my parents to use our bathroom but DH will not use his mums bathroom as he was brought up to use public conveniences instead of using toilets in relatives houses. He has never used the toilet in his mums house or made a drink - to me this is odd.

I think the main problem is - his mum is too extreme in her formality and my parents are maybe too relaxed he feels uncomfortable.

I have quite a big family and there is always some event or other golden wedding, wedding, christening and he feels completely out of his comfort zone because I do have a big family and we do have big get togethers but I thought being relaxed with no airs and graces is much easier to be than stuffy and formal. His family is just his mum and his sister her H and their 4 yr old so very few family get togethers. I like his mum and sister and do find the formality of sitting in a chair and being waited on hand and foot very different to my family.

Actually now I have written this it has made me realise how overwhelming my family must be to him and maybe I need to take a step back.

No you don’t need to take a step back at all!!
just visit your parents and attend family get togethers without him… he sounds like a dick so you’ll have more fun!!
I honestly couldn’t stay with someone who thought they’d have been better off running as soon as they met my parents and thought leaving to use a public toilet rather than their parents or in-laws was normal!
I get up and make tea for everyone at my parents, we use the toilet and even sometimes shower there! My mum would let herself in and use my toilet while I was out if she was passing and desperate… I’d never use a public lav over a friends or families…. I wouldn’t visit someone if they felt I was too ‘unclean’ to use their toilet! Clearly
his family have issues…. Yours is normal!

Yalta · 10/04/2024 08:15

NOTANUM · 09/04/2024 09:02

I think that’s quite harsh @Yalta

I think the MIL has a tendency to show love through ostentatious entertaining but it’s coming from a place of “how it is done” than anything malicious I think. Roll back 60 years and some of us older Mumsnet posters had grandparents who were entertaining in a drawing room used only for visitors. The toilet thing may have been because not everyone had an indoor toilet. She isn’t modernising fast enough basically and is stuck in the past.
Her son sounds like he’s also got a fixed mindset but has also grown up listening to this as the right thing to do. But he’s the one I’d be working on. I’d start by taking the piss when he entertains our friends like that and pointing out how informal our return visits are.
Super granny may be in there, just needs help breaking out. The kids love her, she engages with them well (better than OP’s GPs) and Id be working on the husband in this case.

People might have done that sort of thing with “guests” 60 years ago but never with family

Why is it not controlling behaviour when mil does it but dh tries imposing the same rules and doing exactly what his mother is doing, (cutting off family and name calling anyone who doesn’t comply in how life is lived) and it’s considered controlling behaviour

I think both mother and son need a huge amount of therapy. Not that they think they need it. It is in their eyes the rest of the world that isn’t behaving correctly

FlipFlop1987 · 10/04/2024 22:58

I’m so confused! His Mum serves people with china and doilies and you aren’t allowed to use the toilet (yet would rather you used public ones?!) yet she is really relaxed around the kids but only when invited. Your family are really laid back and sound very normal yet they have no relationship with their grandkids as too busy for that but DH thinks they are too posh. None of it makes sense…