Stuck between parents and DH

[clawcliphurts]

My DH doesn't get on with my parents, they don't really particularly like him either. I am stuck in the middle as I love my parents even though they can be awkward and love my DH. I am tolerant of people and I can honestly tolerate most people - he says life is too short to "only tolerate people". So I am now presuming the only way forward is to see them without him being involved. He can't understand why I can't see how cold and rude they are- I find them very loving and I have never known any different.

He was brought up in a very different way and I find his family so het up and formal but I don't begrudge spending time or seeing them. Both my siblings got divorced last year and my DH is convinced its because of the in laws. He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them. I' ve told him I won't choose and he needs to be more tolerant - he says life is too short to "just be tolerant" and that he can't have them hanging over him for the rest of his life- I asked what he meant and he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life. AIBU? They have never done anything personally to him they are just very very different people.

I'm sure everyone is disappointed since your DH sounds like the life of the party! (Sarcasm) It really sounds like your husband never went over to the homes of any school friends because, surely, very few people share his viewpoint? The reasoning he has for your siblings divorces are just as bizarre

Your husband’s family sounds absolutely nuts. I don’t know anyone else who is like this, from any social class. I don’t think I’ve ever been ‘invited’ to visit my parents, and they’d think me downright strange if I expected to be waited on the whole time I was there. My siblings in law are the same, we are a big family and everyone mucks in and helps out with whatever needs doing no matter whose house we are in. I wouldn’t have it any other way - my home is your home etc, family and friends.

my auntie my nieces mum pouring drinks and serving food and guests should not be expected to walk around or stand up.

Aside from the fact that it’s weird he can’t grasp that there are different ways to host parties and events why is it just the female members of the family he puts this expectation on ? Are there no uncles, nephews etc?

How old is your DH? Does he have any friends?

Has he been to different types of social gatherings before?
Friends parties?
Extended family parties?
University / college parties?
Has he watched movies/ TV shows which depict the above?

Does he not realise that their isn't one set way to host? Formal dinner parties have a different modus operandi to a BBQ, which is different again to tea and cake at your mum and dad's, a cup of tea at your friend's etc....

Of course you should be polite and hospitable in all the above occasions but there is not 1 set formula. Why is he so rigid on what 'hosting' is?
Or is he just a controlling dickhead?
His inability to use other people's toilets is totally fucked up.

The toilet thing is SO weird. So he can never stay overnight with anyone, or visit for more than a few hours? Or does he pop out to the nearest garage while visiting?

Presumably he lived with his mum as a child/teenager so he must have used the loo then. So he ceremoniously stopped using it on the day he moved out??

So he expects you to tolerate his family and their absolute bonkers ways, but because your family are different he refuses to tolerate them ?

I’ve absolutely never, ever heard of someone not letting you us their toilet when visiting !
and as pp have mentioned, how has he gone through his whole life thinking that is normal ?
no play dates with other kids as a child / teen ?
no visiting friends houses for meals and drinks ?

I’d be pissed off if my parents regularly forgot my kids birthday and Christmas, so I understand that frustration, but the never stepping foot in mil kitchen, awaiting a formal invite and not permitting your own Mum to grab a quick drink in your own home is pretty awful.
It sounds like his family are the unwelcoming ones, not yours.

Personally I agree with your DP - it sounds extreme to be re-evaluating the relationship based on a lack of manners from your parents but that's probably not all it is, is it?

Would his version not read more like - I was brought up to be welcoming and loving to family. This means being generous with gifts, making an effort when they visit, and being interested in them and offering them my time and engagement. My ILs are cold, selfish people who never bother to greet me, offer me a drink, or spend any time with their grandchildren. They only care about their wants and needs and I find it upsetting for the children to be ignored when my mother is so loving towards them. She'd give them the clothes off her back but my DP has to buy the DC Xmas presents from them because they can't even be bothered with that. I find it upsetting that my DP is happy for her selfish parents to just ignore us all and not even make the effort to invite us round. They are poor grandparents and I worry as our DC age they will be saddened by the lack of interest from their GP.'

I personally feel its very rude to just leave visitors stood in the kitchen and not offer a drink - your DP's mum is obviously too much the other way but I wouldn't be impressed with your parents. It's their selfishness in grandparenting though that would be the deal breaker for me, and I suspect this selfishness comes out in more ways than you've set out here. I wouldn't leave a good partner over it but I would find it upsetting if my partner just ignored my POV and passed it off as 'oh, you know what she's like, her mum was very OTT so please don't make a cup of tea on our house as it will upset her'. It doesn't really sound like you've properly tried to see his POV - have you?

Also I think my extended family also did a version of the toilet thing - it's not polite to use someone's toilet when visiting unless absolutely critical. It wasn't as extreme as you've described here but definitely a similar sense of what is good manners.

Also I'd argue (based on what you've said here) that DP's mum should get a bit if a pass for her foibles for her anxiety which presumably is where the OCD toilet, house cleanliness, perfect hosting etc also comes from? Whereas your parents sound rude if they behave in the way you describe with all visitors (undersable to make your own tea of it's close family but not otherwise IMO).

Sorry two essays there 😅

"Culture" has been mentioned several times, but no response from OP.

The toilet issue is alien to most MNers, but........

You sound quite uptight?

It's pretty normal for families to be informal and relaxed. Fine if some people prefer a more formal approach to hosting, but strangely judgemental to describe it as "very rude".

I fear you haven't read my post properly @Medschoolmum . I said rude, not very rude, and I also said with close family it's understandable to be more relaxed but if they behave like that with all visitors that's not OK.

Incidentally I also find it rude to call a stranger uptight particularly when you've completely failed to understand simple words but perhaps that's me being uptight too 😁

Also surely it's understandable people have different perspectives on these things? Some people find belching rude, others find it endearing. It's not being uptight to find something rude.

But he is kind of right about walking into someone else’s house - how many threads have there been about DILs who hate the fact that there MILs just come and go using a key to enter without prior warning. And all being supportive of that.

he is right their daughter and her partner may not want them turning up unannounced either and having a rule/boundary in place about that isn’t odd either

You said "very rude" in your earlier post in relation to letting people help themselves to drinks.

And fair enough if you feel that it's rude for me to call you "uptight". I will apologise and amend it to say "rigid and judgemental" instead. Is that better?

At best, your husband has been seriously impacted by his mother's anxiety and agoraphobia - and whatever else is at play.

At worst, he sounds unwell himself.

The ILs vs IL hosting is a red herring. The problem is your husband's rigidity and what's "wrong" and "rude". I would worry how his outlook and views, and the divide between the pair of you, impact your kids.

I personally feel its very rude to just leave visitors stood in the kitchen and not offer a drink

I find this such an odd thing to say. I couldn't imagine going into my parents house, the house I grew up in and made a million drinks in...to wait and be offered a drink. What's wrong with me sticking the kettle on and making us all a drink?

It’s 2 very different pov.

your household is my family’s home is my home, come in make a brew have a chat. The fridge is that way and if you need the loo remember the air freshener. Basically it’s home and the value is in feeling comfortable, accepted and loved.

dh experience is that once you move out you are an invited welcomed visitor, who will be made a fuss of, focused on and treated to food and drink. The value is feeling special and loved

most homes go for option 1, but neither is wrong . Op accepts mil is option 2 and sees the value of it. Dh needs to see the value of option 1 and his refusal to do so will cause problems, because op is likely to go with At least a version of option 1 with her children and her dh is going to be even more unhappy. You have a dh problem op imo

Exactly this. He has no right to dictate how others meet up with their friends and family.
He sounds abusive in the way he is trying to control your interactions with your support network and possibly cut you off.
I wouldn’t tolerate someone being so rude about my family with no good reason, either. Bet he’d go mad if you criticised his mother, wouldn’t he?
Time to stop walking on egg shells around him and stand up for your family and yourself. Why is his (bizarre) way the right way?

It sounds like the mom has OCD tendencies (like wanting guests to wipe the toilet after each use) and that had been normalized by her husband. For whatever reason, it hasn't registered that other people do things differently, or that there are different types of get togethers. Or it has, but everyone else is just rude and wrong.

Based.on op I was gonna say I'm in sinoalr situation. Trying to navigate my love for my family and my partners dislike for them. But then I read your updates. It doesn't seem like there is much of a conflict. I don't agree with his stance of not having to tolerate people. It sounds like he could be more understanding that families are different with different styles. But also your family could do with some boundaries with the showing up unannounced. But there is room for compromise here.

I think an impartial bystanders post would be.
I have two friends who are a couple. They had very different upbringings both socially and financially. Both parents homes are still very different.
One of the couple, sees the differences, accepts them and can appreciate the positives in each
The other sees the differences, and cannot accept the other has any positives, believes the way he was brought up was the right and only way. Anything else is rudeness.

Misses the point but How the bloody hell did you end up together long enough to get married and have children if you were so incompatible with each other's upbringing and norms.

I think you're being a bit facetious re: the cake.

OP hasn't suggested they never use plates at her parents but it's clear what the difference is - cake in her family (as per most families) would be a 'normal' cake from the supermarket, anyone who wants it helps themselves as and when, puts in on a normal plate (i.e. just a regular side plate that is used for any small dishes) and then either stands around eating it with their fingers while chatting or sits wherever there's room (around the kitchen table, wandering into the garden), etc.

MIL house - a 'fancy' special cake, served on specific small cake plates with doilies, small cake forks, she cuts slices and hands them out together with tea etc and everyone goes into the sitting room and sits down together to eat their cake and drink their tea at the same time.

Neither 'wrong' but just different ways of doing things. But the crux here is OP is happy to have cake either way, her DH thinks any way other than his mother's is incredibly rude.

I have a formal diagnosis of OCD. I don't ask guests to clean the toilet after they've visited, but I admit that I clean it after they've gone... I figure it doesn't do any harm if they don't know about it.