Page 16 | Stuck between parents and DH

clawcliphurts · 2024-04-06T19:50:52+00:00

My DH doesn't get on with my parents, they don't really particularly like him either. I am stuck in the middle as I love my parents even though they can be awkward and love my DH. I am tolerant of people and I can honestly tolerate most people - he says life is too short to "only tolerate people". So I am now presuming the only way forward is to see them without him being involved. He can't understand why I can't see how cold and rude they are- I find them very loving and I have never known any different. He was brought up in a very different way and I find his family so het up and formal but I don't begrudge spending time or seeing them. Both my siblings got divorced last year and my DH is convinced its because of the in laws. He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them. I' ve told him I won't choose and he needs to be more tolerant - he says life is too short to "just be tolerant" and that he can't have them hanging over him for the rest of his life- I asked what he meant and he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life. AIBU? They have never done anything personally to him they are just very very different people.

Gymnopedie · 07/04/2024 15:58

I don't think his mum is batshit or weird, it's how she does things and that's fine. I think his inflexibility and even making up his own rules (would his parents really stop you using the loo?) is batshit.

Different people do things different ways. But to say he should never have married OP, that he thinks he wants a divorce, that - to quote the OP who I assume is quoting him - they're ruining his life, he has something pretty serious going on in his head.

OP you've stopped your parents making a drink or just dropping in to try to placate him. But where will it end? Is he going to hang the threat of divorce over your head forever unless you cut them off?

Do you ever get an invitation to your parents' house or is it always only if you or they drop in?

Edited - and is he this rigid in other things too?

HollyKnight · 07/04/2024 16:00

StinkyWizzleteets · 07/04/2024 15:05

OP hasn’t said anything about them not showing love and we can only go on that. We know the children are extremely comfortable in their grandparents home. Unloved children don’t behave like that.

Material gifts aren’t always love, not getting gifts isn’t withholding love. What an odd take. OPs parents sound like perfectly reasonable boomer parents who are enjoying their retirement having brought up their children within a relationship where they are all extremely comfortable with each other. The relaxed atmosphere doesn’t scream of neglect or withholding emotional interactions. Everyone is very comfortable with each other (except the bonkers husband). My mothers side of the family is like this.

The other granny shows her affection in a different way also very acceptable within their relationship. My father’s side of the family are like her. Neither side fucked things up by making demands of us or the other people based on rigid perceptions of what is proper.

It’s ok for kids to have different relationships with different people and to receive different iterations of love and affection from different people. There is no one size fits all and they’re learning a good lesson in tolerance form that. It’s a shame their father can’t do the same.

Not buying gifts may be an ethical decision by the grandparents or may be they think they’ve contributed enough and don’t want to anymore. That’s ok too. Theres enough plastic crap on the planet, kids have enough toys etc. There was no mention of perhaps money in bank accounts etc that was all deemed irrelevant in the OP and it’s OPs own anxieties around what she perceives as normal and acceptable that makes her fake the presents from granny. That’s her hang up and a strange societal understanding that spending money on gifts is a measure of love and that’s not true.

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They are rubbish with the kids birthdays

they often don't bother to see them

I always end up buying gifts for them to give them because they just can't be bothered and I get that - they have become very selfish since retiring

whereas at my parents...grandparents don't really interact with them

None of that sounds like it's an ethical decision or that they're trying to save the planet from tat. You're right, though, it's normal for many people to have no interest in their grandchildren. But you can't call it loving.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 07/04/2024 16:08

None of that sounds like it's an ethical decision or that they're trying to save the planet from tat. You're right, though, it's normal for many people to have no interest in their grandchildren. But you can't call it loving.

which the OP then undermines by buying presents and pretending they're from her parents. Sorry but that's seriously weird thinking too.

someonethatyoulovetoomuch · 07/04/2024 16:08

Your family are completely normal, his family are not. He needs therapy and to deal with his issues, your family sound almost exactly like mine (apart from the gifting, my mum is mad on buying the kids gifts), I couldn’t tolerate in laws like his parents.

HollyKnight · 07/04/2024 16:09

pikkumyy77 · 07/04/2024 15:47

Thats simply untrue. Their behavior is well within normal bounds and he is not simply deciding what he can tolerate he is chastising and verbally degrading OP for her parents perceived flaws.

The MIL has very severe Anxiety, Agoraphobia, and OCD around food, hospitality, and toileting. This is not an unusual set of mental health issues. The knock on effect on her children is also quite common. I am currently treating an elderly woman with the same profile and her two adult children basically split from the mother with one accepting and repeating the mother’s pathologies and the other rejecting them as too life limiting and painful for the grandchildren to exper. Exactly the situation for OPs DH and his sister.

Im not saying the MIL isn’t a nice person—she is! But its also not necessary to demonize OP’s parents in order to make sense of the DH’s loathing of them. The DH is incredibly rigid and rejecting of anything that is not just like his mother’s pattern of behavior. That is a problem for him—its not generated by reality. No one HAS to be so upset by the fact that other families do things differently. Its a choice he is making or, if not a choice, a spasmodic and unconscious response to social interactions which call into question that which must not be questioned which is mummy’s pathology. His response to OP’s family’s natural/casual interactions is not unlike the child of alcoholics discovering how odd social life with tea totalers is. He can’t tolerate it because he either finds it frighteningly different or it activates too much shame when he realizes how odd his mother’s household is.

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Equally, you can't use one person's mental health issues to "prove" the other people are the normal ones. Neither of them are within normal bounds. There's no way the majority of people think it is normal or acceptable to show zero interest in grandchildren. To not even bother to interact with them or acknowledge them on their birthdays. They are very selfish, self-centered people who only talk about themselves. That is not me demonising them. That is what the OP said about them.

He doesn't like the way they behave. It doesn't matter why. His feelings are valid.

cyclamenqueen · 07/04/2024 16:09

@Yalta you can buy doilies in the baking section of most major supermarkets , I bought some last week in Tesco for my mother who wanted to display cakes for her WI. I have also seen them in B&M

misszebra · 07/04/2024 16:13

if he 'should have ran years ago' tell him crack on and do it now.

HollyKnight · 07/04/2024 16:16

I'm so glad my in-laws are abnormal. They show an interest in us, they let us sit on the couch, they play with their grandchildren, they acknowledge the children on their birthdays, the absolute weirdos even like to see them!

LavenderPup · 07/04/2024 16:17

Lastminutedotcomm · 07/04/2024 01:28

TBH, for me, if I was at home and my in laws used their spare key to let themselves in to my house, go raid my fridge, ignore my kids etc, I’d not be impressed.
Everyone has the right to privacy in their own homes and not feel expected to jump up for a chat because people were passing by and popped in unannounced. I’d also find this rude to be honest!

Yep same here. No keys given to family members, no one would pop round without warning. Thats basic good manners and I get where he’s coming from.

The fact the parents are described as selfish will have a lot to do with it too, they don’t buy their GC gifts?? Two totally different upbringings, I’m with the DH whereas my DH is more like OP but he totally gets this is our home so no one would just pop round unannounced etc.

Zanatdy · 07/04/2024 16:19

Your DH is being completely unreasonable. Your parents sound perfectly normal to me, he needs to learn to relax and realise people are different - my partners family are from a different culture so there’s a whole lot of different things going on, some I might not be 100% comfortable with but you just get used to it / tolerate for your partners benefit. Just because he was raised a certain way doesn’t mean that’s superior. If my mum felt she couldn’t make a cup of tea in my home I’d be mortified.

pikkumyy77 · 07/04/2024 16:20

Neither of them are within normal bounds. There's no way the majority of people think it is normal or acceptable to show zero interest in grandchildren. To not even bother to interact with them or acknowledge them on their birthdays. They are very selfish, self-centered people who only talk about themselves. That is not me demonising them. That is what the OP said about them.

Op’s husband isn’t objecting to his in laws because they aren’t good grandparents (in your estimation) but because their hospitality doesn’t take the same form as his mother’s.

OP is the one who is criticizing her parents in the score of birthdays snd tvs , snd trying to change their behavior, because she id bending over backwards to try to justify and excuse her DH’s antipathy.

OP reads like a person with a hypercritical snd controlling husband who constantly needs to placate him and see things from his point of view. I am very concerned for her.

hellsBells246 · 07/04/2024 16:23

Gymnopedie · 07/04/2024 15:58

I don't think his mum is batshit or weird, it's how she does things and that's fine. I think his inflexibility and even making up his own rules (would his parents really stop you using the loo?) is batshit.

Different people do things different ways. But to say he should never have married OP, that he thinks he wants a divorce, that - to quote the OP who I assume is quoting him - they're ruining his life, he has something pretty serious going on in his head.

OP you've stopped your parents making a drink or just dropping in to try to placate him. But where will it end? Is he going to hang the threat of divorce over your head forever unless you cut them off?

Do you ever get an invitation to your parents' house or is it always only if you or they drop in?

Edited - and is he this rigid in other things too?

Edited

This!

His mum has serious MH/OCD/anxiety issues and he's internalised these and thinks they're normal. They are not!

He should know that people all have different ideas and standards re hosting, houses, friends, etc., and this is all normal!

His rigid, inflexible thinking would worry me.

Is his mum getting help for her MH issues? Is your H?

PaminaMozart · 07/04/2024 16:24

You've been married 10 years, @clawcliphurts - so you are about late 30s or early 40s?

Can you see yourself growing old with your husband?

As in putting up with this shit for another 40-50 years?

Redpaisley · 07/04/2024 16:30

tiggergoesbounce · 06/04/2024 20:59

How on earth are your parents ruining his life????

Do they not like him because they can see he is trying to isolate you from them??

Well maybe ruining life is said in heat of the moment. One scenario could be they are extremely condescending and Op does not stand up for him. And this could have caused resentment over the years. Some in law's dynamics can be triggering if the partner never stands up for you and is ok with you being disrespected by their family.
Not saying this what is happening. Op needs to give some information about the behaviour. How does Op know her parents don't like her dh? She must've noticed that dislike through their behaviour. We will all speculate without that information about their behaviour.

ChompingCabbage · 07/04/2024 16:30

There's a lot to unpack here! But I think your husband is being too uptight and intolerant tbh, he's old enough to realise that not everyone has the same expectations and behaviours.

That being said I understand why he might find your parents cold and they don't sound like the best grandparents from what you've said either.

Your family actually sound a lot like my family in the sense that there's never an actual invite to visit and there's not a lot of warmth or closeness either. So I get why he might not feel very close to them as I'm not close with my own family for that reason. But I think the strong dislike towards them because they make a cup of tea or use your toilet is really ridiculous!

It doesn't sound like they've done anything horrible to him, they just have different values than he does. He sounds like hard work but maybe it's easier to just visit your family alone most of the time going forward?

HollyKnight · 07/04/2024 16:32

pikkumyy77 · 07/04/2024 16:20

Neither of them are within normal bounds. There's no way the majority of people think it is normal or acceptable to show zero interest in grandchildren. To not even bother to interact with them or acknowledge them on their birthdays. They are very selfish, self-centered people who only talk about themselves. That is not me demonising them. That is what the OP said about them.

Op’s husband isn’t objecting to his in laws because they aren’t good grandparents (in your estimation) but because their hospitality doesn’t take the same form as his mother’s.

OP is the one who is criticizing her parents in the score of birthdays snd tvs , snd trying to change their behavior, because she id bending over backwards to try to justify and excuse her DH’s antipathy.

OP reads like a person with a hypercritical snd controlling husband who constantly needs to placate him and see things from his point of view. I am very concerned for her.

It's all part of their profile of being rude. All of that is bad manners. Manners do matter to some people. As for the OP trying to change their behaviour, do you mean asking them to let her know they are coming around rather than just walking in and doing what they want? Damn right! The OP understands herself that it is both their home and therefore compromises need to be made. He hasn't banned them from the house. He hasn't banned her from seeing them. He hasn't forbidden her from peeing in his mother's house. He doesn't stop the children from using the bathroom. All the man has done is say he has had enough after ten years.

You don't get to tell someone, "You only feel that way because your mum has OCD, therefore you are wrong." He isn't wrong to find them too much. That's how he feels.

Redpaisley · 07/04/2024 16:38

clawcliphurts · 06/04/2024 22:23

There is a bit of a class issue going on - he feels they are too posh and they are cold and aloof - if we pop in sometimes which maybe i shouldn't do because this is what he finds hard -it is help yourself to a drink, biscuit ice cream etc, he find that rude, but his family seem much more concerned about airs and graces. He thinks it is polite to sit and wait until you are served food and drink!!

We have 2 kids and kids love going to his mums because she will play games with them and talk to them about school etc and they get biscuits on china plates with "dollies" - there name for doilies, whereas at my parents they either watch TV in the conservatory or play in the garden but grandparents don't really interact with them. At my parents we don't often sit in the sitting room we sometimes stand in the kitchen chatting, radio is always on.

It really is one extreme to another and I need something in the middle from both sides to make it work.

I got it. Your parents make no efforts, everything is casual..but at the same time everyone has keys to pop in, so there is also an issue with boundaries.

Yes it's strange he does not use loo in his mother's house? Do they have only one bathroom in her house?

Lolapusht · 07/04/2024 16:41

Small point, but your husband is demonstrating some incredibly bad manners by refusing to accept other poeple’s ways and bad mouthing your parents to you.

We take shoes off in our house but don’t expect everyone else to. Similarly, if I go to someone else’s house I always check to see if they want us to take our shoes off. If there’s something I think is batshit then I do it anyway, smile happily and say something in the car on the way home. My MIL likes warm plates, cutlery and napkins for take aways (including pizza). I think that is mostly crazy but let her do it even though she’s a guest in my house. She also insists on doing housework that doesn’t actually help but I find jobs for her to do as she is a guest in my house and I was brought up to accommodate guests and make them feel welcome.

I wouldn’t be accepting any advice on manners from someone so rude.

I’d also an open invitation much more welcoming than an invitation only situation.

To summarise, your DH and family are very weird. I have NEVER heard anyone ever say it was bad manners to go to the toilet in someone else’s house! He’s NEVER been to the toilet at his mum’s?! That’s unbelievably repressed 🤨

Gymnopedie · 07/04/2024 16:44

You don't get to tell someone, "You only feel that way because your mum has OCD, therefore you are wrong." He isn't wrong to find them too much. That's how he feels.

Of course. But the answer to that is maybe just not to see them, as many women on MN are urged to do too.

But to say he shouldn't have married OP and that they're ruining his life - either there is much more going on than the OP has said, or he's taking it too far and making no effort to change how he feels. As a result he's making OP be the one to change and she already has done, but it's not enough.

MightWriteNight · 07/04/2024 16:49

HollyKnight · 07/04/2024 16:32

It's all part of their profile of being rude. All of that is bad manners. Manners do matter to some people. As for the OP trying to change their behaviour, do you mean asking them to let her know they are coming around rather than just walking in and doing what they want? Damn right! The OP understands herself that it is both their home and therefore compromises need to be made. He hasn't banned them from the house. He hasn't banned her from seeing them. He hasn't forbidden her from peeing in his mother's house. He doesn't stop the children from using the bathroom. All the man has done is say he has had enough after ten years.

You don't get to tell someone, "You only feel that way because your mum has OCD, therefore you are wrong." He isn't wrong to find them too much. That's how he feels.

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What are you on about? OP hasn’t said her mum just walks into her house that I can see. Her DH objects that SHE can walk into THEIR house whenever she wants. He
can have whatever batshit rules he wants for his house as long as OP is okay with it. He objects to what her parents do in THEIR house. He wants to be waited on hand and foot. I think that’s fucking rude. Fine, OP’s parents are are bad grandparents. But her MIL thinks her other grandson is a brat because his mother has chosen to be more relaxed than she is. Not exactly granny of the fucking year…

Redmat · 07/04/2024 16:56

His family sound nuts, yours much more the norm.

BananaLambo · 07/04/2024 16:57

ChinnyChin2 · 07/04/2024 09:53

I cant get over that HIS mum uses doilies on china plates - but YOUR parents are the posh ones according to your H 😂

Are you living in "topsy turvy" world?

Doilies aren’t posh 😂They’re for posh wannabes - very Hyacinth Bucket.

Redpaisley · 07/04/2024 17:02

Redmat · 07/04/2024 16:56

His family sound nuts, yours much more the norm.

Reading all updates, I think both families are weird. There should be some balance. Not using toilet in own mother's house is weird, being very close but not remembering grandchildren's birthday, having a lot of money but letting daughter buying gifts on your behalf for her kids is also weird.

lucylulululu · 07/04/2024 17:19

Hes BU. He thinks life's too short to 'tolerate people'? Then why dont you say life's too short to worry/get upset or annoyed over something as inconsequential as making a cup of tea ffs.

What a pathetic little man child to claim all this nonsense is ruining his life. Tell him to bloody relax and stop moaning over nothing when there are people suffering a lot worse.

If it's their house and they're relaxed about people helping themselves to things then why is he so bothered about it being rude?? It's not his house!
Yes different story for your own home, there might need to be a few compromises if he's gonna be such an uptight little boy about it 🙄 but if you're expected to act a certain way at his own parents' house then he can shut up about how relaxed it is at your parents' house.

Jesus Christ what a joke this is, I'd tell him to suck it up or piss off. There has to be give and take somewhere.

Simplelobsterhat · 07/04/2024 17:24

Like others have said, there are things which I find bizarre and rude on both sides of the family here, but whereas OP is flexible and adapts to both, and even sees the positives in the different ways her MIL does things, her DH is very OTT in his reaction and frankly controlling and rude about it? Have I understood correct that OP has rightly stopped her parents coming round unannounced / uninvited but he is still threatening divorce over them? Because that was the only bit that he could reasonably say had a big impact on him, unless there is something OP hasn't explained? I think op would be within her rights to be upset at their lack of interest in their grandchildren, but he gets to see his mum being a loving grandparent so I don't think it should upset him as much, albeit it would annoy me a bit.

Is he really refusing to go to an event because he will be expected to use his legs to go and get the food they have generously provided from a buffet, rather than being waited on hand and foot? And he sees that as more inhospitable than making people feel they can't use a toilet in your house? I know where I'd feel more welcome!

I also don't understand the dynamic with his mum. I can totally understand people you are not close to being kept in a living area being waited on, but your own son, someone who has lived with you? Did he suddenly just stop entering the kitchen or bathroom the day he left home? And if I understand correctly these boundaries extend to there being no food in the house if her anxiety is bad rather than her son chipping in and helping out?

By all means OP allow him to see less of your family, but please don't see less of them yourself or ban them from visiting at all. They haven't done anything bad enough for you to be expected to choose.