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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stuck between parents and DH

494 replies

clawcliphurts · 06/04/2024 20:50

My DH doesn't get on with my parents, they don't really particularly like him either. I am stuck in the middle as I love my parents even though they can be awkward and love my DH. I am tolerant of people and I can honestly tolerate most people - he says life is too short to "only tolerate people". So I am now presuming the only way forward is to see them without him being involved. He can't understand why I can't see how cold and rude they are- I find them very loving and I have never known any different.

He was brought up in a very different way and I find his family so het up and formal but I don't begrudge spending time or seeing them. Both my siblings got divorced last year and my DH is convinced its because of the in laws. He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them. I' ve told him I won't choose and he needs to be more tolerant - he says life is too short to "just be tolerant" and that he can't have them hanging over him for the rest of his life- I asked what he meant and he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life. AIBU? They have never done anything personally to him they are just very very different people.

OP posts:
MamaBear2210T · 06/04/2024 22:10

He's controlling and wants you to stop contact with your family. I'd choose my parents any day other that

Icloud54 · 06/04/2024 22:10

Your family sound normal
His family set up is weird

Allfur · 06/04/2024 22:14

Imagine a partner who thought your family were amazing , maybe he is 'overwhelmed', but maybe that comes from a place of fear

redbluegreenyellowbrown · 06/04/2024 22:14

wow.

Your family seems completely normal to me.

His seems odd, and I think YOU do well to "tolerate" that.

Never going to the toilet in another house? Seriously? I've never ever heard of that.

Lammveg · 06/04/2024 22:16

Your DH's relationship with his family sounds very unusual.

I still don't understand how your family are affecting him so much though? How does your relationship with your family affect him so much that he's questioning your relationship?

MightWriteNight · 06/04/2024 22:17

You are taking the totally wrong message from what you have written. Your family is normal, and your DH needs therapy. Do you want your kids to come to your house as adults and never use the toilet? Don’t alienate yourself from your family in favour of this!

starlingsinging · 06/04/2024 22:18

I can relate to your update, my parents were quite quiet and a bit posh and well educated and dh family were loud and brash and from a poorer background.
I felt embarrassed to go to a restaurant with them because heads would turn when they were loud and I was used to a more discreet family.
I didn't get their banter at first, it just seemed rude but I got used to them.
I also thought their house was a mess because my own parents was so clean and tidy.
Maybe he feels his parents are better than yours and he looks down on your family because they don't meet his higher standards of etiquette? which of course we learn from our parents.
I must admit I don't want my children to take after dh family and will feel uncomfortable if they swear and shout around them.
I might sound snobby but really I just had to get used to people I wasn't used to being around, they are very relaxed and it's quite nice to be able to just be yourself and not have to worry about things.
They are also very outspoken but they are themselves so I can see how that's nice in a way even if not particularly dignified.

Renamed · 06/04/2024 22:19

He doesn’t allow your mum to make tea? He was brought up not to go to the loo in someone else’s house?

So er YANBU, his family sound fucked up. Maybe he just doesn’t want to confront that.

(Someone who told my mum she could not make tea in my house is someone who would no longer be my partner).

starlingsinging · 06/04/2024 22:22

I've never known anyone not be able to use the loo in someone else's house.
I think Michelle Megan has a rule that guests don't use her toilet but that's extremely unusual.

Original poster
clawcliphurts · 06/04/2024 22:23

There is a bit of a class issue going on - he feels they are too posh and they are cold and aloof - if we pop in sometimes which maybe i shouldn't do because this is what he finds hard -it is help yourself to a drink, biscuit ice cream etc, he find that rude, but his family seem much more concerned about airs and graces. He thinks it is polite to sit and wait until you are served food and drink!!

We have 2 kids and kids love going to his mums because she will play games with them and talk to them about school etc and they get biscuits on china plates with "dollies" - there name for doilies, whereas at my parents they either watch TV in the conservatory or play in the garden but grandparents don't really interact with them. At my parents we don't often sit in the sitting room we sometimes stand in the kitchen chatting, radio is always on.

It really is one extreme to another and I need something in the middle from both sides to make it work.

OP posts:
iamwhatiam23 · 06/04/2024 22:24

clawcliphurts · 06/04/2024 22:01

I am not sure if it is some sort of jealousy - my parents were quite well off and as I child I got to experience lots of different things - his family struggled financially and he did very little as a child. My parents both worked until their early 70's so they still had money to enjoy a rich and varied life with lots of travel when they retired. He can't understand why anyone would want to work past 60. They are rubbish with the kids birthdays, they often don't bother to see them and at christmas I always end up buying gifts for them to give them because they just can't be bothered and I get that - they have become very selfish since retiring because they are so busy being busy.

I would say myself, my siblings and my parents have a relaxed relationship, - we all have to keys to our parents and we pop in if passing etc but his mum has to invite you to her house and neither him nor his sister have a key. If I visit my parents I will make a cup of tea- at his mums you have to sit and she will make a cup of tea sometimes but not always. At his mums the children aren't allowed to watch TV but kids just put it on at my parents He thinks I am rude in my parents house and the fact that I think it is ok for the kids to switch the TV on at their house. My mum has been known to make a drink at our house and to me that is normal and I have had to remind my mum more than once that it is my husbands house as well and he isn't happy with her doing that which she found hard to understand. I allow my parents to use our bathroom but DH will not use his mums bathroom as he was brought up to use public conveniences instead of using toilets in relatives houses. He has never used the toilet in his mums house or made a drink - to me this is odd.

I think the main problem is - his mum is too extreme in her formality and my parents are maybe too relaxed he feels uncomfortable.

I have quite a big family and there is always some event or other golden wedding, wedding, christening and he feels completely out of his comfort zone because I do have a big family and we do have big get togethers but I thought being relaxed with no airs and graces is much easier to be than stuffy and formal. His family is just his mum and his sister her H and their 4 yr old so very few family get togethers. I like his mum and sister and do find the formality of sitting in a chair and being waited on hand and foot very different to my family.

Actually now I have written this it has made me realise how overwhelming my family must be to him and maybe I need to take a step back.

Your DH family sound awful tbh! He doesn't sound much better!

Sunnydays0101 · 06/04/2024 22:25

Please don’t allow your DH to make you feel you need to distance yourself from your family. He sounds controlling and probably jealous that you have a good relationship with your parents and wider family. Don’t let him ruin this.

starlingsinging · 06/04/2024 22:26

starlingsinging · 06/04/2024 22:22

I've never known anyone not be able to use the loo in someone else's house.
I think Michelle Megan has a rule that guests don't use her toilet but that's extremely unusual.

Michelle keegan

Sunnydays0101 · 06/04/2024 22:27

How can your parents be too posh, cold and aloof if you can pop into their home unannounced, make yourself a cup of tea, feel comfortable, etc??

Your DH is not making sense.

justasking111 · 06/04/2024 22:30

I'm confused @clawcliphurts your siblings divorced because of your parents?

I'm not impressed with their grandparenting skills to be honest.

But his parents have serious issues. This upbringing must have affected him.

maddening · 06/04/2024 22:35

Don't take him to your parents, tell him he will have warning that they are coming to yours and he can choose to hang around or make himself scarce but that is as far as you will compromise and if he doesn't like it he can go.

MigGirl · 06/04/2024 22:35

They are rubbish with the kids birthdays, they often don't bother to see them and at christmas I always end up buying gifts for them to give them because they just can't be bothered and I get that - they have become very selfish since retiring because they are so busy being busy.

op it's probably most likely this. My inlaws are like this and it makes me so sad, they never phone or show any interest in us as a family. Being retired is no excuse, my mother inlaw forgot her only grandsons birthday last year. It breaks my heart, they have burnt there bridges and there is no fixing it now, my kids are to old and have no relationship with their grandparents.

I think the other points are just how different families do things and not actually that relevant. For example my inlaws will come into my house and wait to be served a drink (I'm sure they would rather dye of thirst then break this rule). My dad comes in and just puts the kettle on himself. Maybe I also upset my inlaws as after 30 years I don't wait for them to offer me a drink I just help myself, they then seem confused when I already have a drink when they ask what I want. We do mostly get on when we see them, but I gave up years ago being the one's to make the effort.

GabriellaMontez · 06/04/2024 22:42

His family are so uptight, he can't use their toilet or make a drink... But you're the posh ones?

He's jealous that your family are normal (as much as any family is!)

Original poster
clawcliphurts · 06/04/2024 22:43

Sunnydays0101 · 06/04/2024 22:27

How can your parents be too posh, cold and aloof if you can pop into their home unannounced, make yourself a cup of tea, feel comfortable, etc??

Your DH is not making sense.

Because he feels this is rude (that they allow this) he feels there is no warmth from just walking in and making yourself at home in someone elses home. He thinks we should be invited over and sit down all together with tea in the pot posh cake etc not just help yourself. In other words as he says -his mum makes us feel welcome with an official invite which is common courtesy my parents have never invited us we just of turn up as and when and they used to do this to us which he really really hated (this has been stopped now).

My who he finds too posh seem to live their lives in a way I would probably associate with less posh people and his mum lives her life like a posher person although she is far less well off than my parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
clawcliphurts · 06/04/2024 22:48

justasking111 · 06/04/2024 22:30

I'm confused @clawcliphurts your siblings divorced because of your parents?

I'm not impressed with their grandparenting skills to be honest.

But his parents have serious issues. This upbringing must have affected him.

He thinks that my ex SIL and ex BIL found my parents informal ways hard to get their head round like he does and like him they never felt welcome because it is all fend for yourself and stand where you want. Ex BIL had several affairs so sister chucked him out EX SIL missed her family 200 miles away and her and my bro couldn't compromise so they went their separate ways

OP posts:
Sunnydays0101 · 06/04/2024 23:00

clawcliphurts · 06/04/2024 22:43

Because he feels this is rude (that they allow this) he feels there is no warmth from just walking in and making yourself at home in someone elses home. He thinks we should be invited over and sit down all together with tea in the pot posh cake etc not just help yourself. In other words as he says -his mum makes us feel welcome with an official invite which is common courtesy my parents have never invited us we just of turn up as and when and they used to do this to us which he really really hated (this has been stopped now).

My who he finds too posh seem to live their lives in a way I would probably associate with less posh people and his mum lives her life like a posher person although she is far less well off than my parents.

Show quote history

Well my parents seldom invite any of us to their home - I, and my siblings too, turn up when it suits us and know our parents will be there. We all have keys. We make our own tea/coffee. We sometimes bring food with us. They chat to our kids for a few minutes but have never played with them as such.

I would think there is a lot of warmth in just popping and wouldn’t expect them to be running around making tea and preparing snacks for us. They always keep a supply of biscuits and the like for the grandchildren.

Sunnydays0101 · 06/04/2024 23:03

It sounds like your DH feels your parents don’t revere him enough - he wants his ego stroked by being invited, being directed to sit in the best chair, to be handed his coffee, etc while expecting them to be grateful that he deigned to accept their invitation to visit.

Mammyloveswine · 06/04/2024 23:04

Wtaf? He doesn't use the loo at his parents house?!!! Jesus Christ that is batshit!!

Renamed · 06/04/2024 23:11

It sounds nice how his mum plays with the kids. Does she let them use the loo?

Is his issue with your parents really that he has to help himself to biscuits rather than getting them on a doily? Surely there is something else going on?

Cyclingmummy1 · 06/04/2024 23:14

This is bonkers. I'll ring my dad to check he's in, or say we'll be over on X day, but then we just arrive. He was in the garden last weekend so I put the kettle on and toasted a hot cross bun 😆