Stuck between parents and DH

[clawcliphurts]

My DH doesn't get on with my parents, they don't really particularly like him either. I am stuck in the middle as I love my parents even though they can be awkward and love my DH. I am tolerant of people and I can honestly tolerate most people - he says life is too short to "only tolerate people". So I am now presuming the only way forward is to see them without him being involved. He can't understand why I can't see how cold and rude they are- I find them very loving and I have never known any different.

He was brought up in a very different way and I find his family so het up and formal but I don't begrudge spending time or seeing them. Both my siblings got divorced last year and my DH is convinced its because of the in laws. He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them. I' ve told him I won't choose and he needs to be more tolerant - he says life is too short to "just be tolerant" and that he can't have them hanging over him for the rest of his life- I asked what he meant and he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life. AIBU? They have never done anything personally to him they are just very very different people.

There isn't really a wrong or right in the way each family hosts people (except making people feel like they can't use your toilet is not okay) - but most people reach middle age recognising that there are lots of ways to live and are able to be tolerant and flexible for short periods when visiting or being visited. Your husband has a problem, I think, if he can't be tolerant and flexible in this way.

I am sorry but this sounds like a bunch of bullshit excuses on his part. Especially if your family has been respecting his boundaries in his home after you asked.
I mean, come on. His issue is that he has to get his own food and drink from a communal space when he goes over to see family? He can't piss in his mother's home? Using your mother's toilet is off limits, but public toilets are ok?
I think one of his parents, possibly his mother reacted to poverty by being overly formal, overly clean, extremely fussy, and polite to the point of rudeness. As in all the polite "rules" have to be followed no matter what instead being truly polite which is to adapt to your guests and to the place you are invited to.
But even then. Even with being brought up different, this still seems like a 100% bullshit excuse on his part. What is the real reason?
Also, if a MF wants to leave, let the effer leave. Let him give his asinine reasons in court. Maybe he doesn't even want to split and is just trying to force you and your family into being how he wants people to behave instead of how they really are.
I have not heard one rude thing except them getting their own stuff at your house which it seems like they stopped when asked. Everything else is just made up in his own head. Millions of people go to their in laws and extended family and just get drinks and food. And what is really getting me is that he even found fault when drinks were put out pointed out as being for guests and he still expected to be served. Like, I get growing up a certain way and having a bit of culture shock, but has he truly been to so few peoples homes that your family is the first one to be like this in front of him?
I can get finding it a bit rude to not be offered food and drink when you go somewhere especially if you were raised different, but to end a marriage and family because of that?
I don't think so. that is insane. Either there is another reason, or he needs serious help.

He needs therapy. The fact he would leave you because he feels overwhelmed by your family but can't provide any valid examples. Shows he is unable to cope with his emotions. Don't take a step back from your family. He needs help but first, you both need to acknowledge this.

He's the odd one and he sounds horrible.

He's trying to cut you off from your family. What a horrible man (and what a strange family he is from).

He's thinking of breaking your marriage up because both sets of parents seem a bit batshit? I'd be helping him pack, tbh..

I think your parents sound normal but I would be annoyed if they forgot DC birthdays. Your DH sounds weird. He won't use the toilet in his own parents house. That is bizarre. He gets annoyed if your Mum makes a cup of tea in your home. Again he sounds controlling to the extreme. When I go to my DD's house I not only make a cup of tea I often cook her a batch of cakes and a fish pie or a lasagne for dinner and often something for the freezer too. She finishes work at 4pm then collects DC from school. When I visit my DD I arrived at her house at 2pm and cook them all dinner and cakes. Your DH would have a heart attack if I was his MiL. My SiL is always delighted if I've cooked for them. Your DH behaviour is not normal and really he needs therapy to learn what normal behaviour looks like. Your Mum sounds lovely. Could your DH be trying to isolate you from your parents?

I don’t quite understand why so many people think YANBU. Crazy.
I don’t get the issue? It seems to be a lot of fuss about people just being different to one another 🤷🏻‍♀️
Your dh needs to get over himself, and YABU for not seeing that.

I think your family sound far more normal than his. Don't let him make you think you or they are the problem. It sounds like he's controlling and wants you to see less of your family? Or sounds like he wants to use your family as a reason to leave?
I had an es that was rude about my family and.in the end I saw less of them. How wrong was that.. it's only in time you see how odd they are and not you and your family.

I'd be interested in airing his views in front of his parents... I suspect his own mum would be horrified at her sons hostility.

He worries you might walk into your DD's house and make a cup of tea. He sounds insane. It's perfectly normal to get yourself a drink. Don't push your parents away, by telling them they can't even make themselves a drink in your home, just to please your DH. If you stop your parents making a drink you will be being rude to them. They must really dislike your dh because of his weird controlling behaviour. I'd be so upset if my SiL told my DD to tell me I couldn't make a drink in their home. When your DD leaves home he's basically saying she won't be able to use your toilet anymore. That's just nuts and so rude and controlling. Your own DD will feel unwanted and excluded. How would you feel about that? You might lose your relationship with your DD because of your batshit DH.

He doesn’t HAVE to have a relationship with them. Is it an option for you to respect his wishes and agree to see them without him, and still carry on happily together?
It works for us. I don’t like my ILs (and I totally agree that life’s too short to spend it with people you cant stand). DH is happy to see them but respects my decision not to join him.
I don’t know what yours actually do. Mine are homophobic, judgemental bible bashers and I ain’t got no time for that!

It sounds like the family stuff is just different people making different choices.
What is very worrying is that your DH seems to think that ending you marriage is a reasonable response to (check notes) being permitted to use a family member's toilet and making himself a cup of tea.
He sounds like a nightmare, although his parents sound OK if a little peculiar.

He has a huge inferiority complex, and instead of recognising that it's his problem, he's deflecting it onto you.

I'd have some sympathy for him if his behaviour wasn't so abhorrent.

Reading this, I think it’s your DH who has the issues. Rather use a public loo than his in-laws. How weird!

Your husband is behaving like a total knob; who the hell does he think he is ? He cohesively controlling you; by making you think he’s thinking of ending your marriage because of your parents; I’d call his bluff pack his bags leave them by the front door & tell him you’ve decided your fed up with his threats; your parents don’t pressurise you so your going to pick them over him blood is thicker than water & all that 😂😂😂 then watch him shit himself when the reality of having to move home to his parents dawns on him he will soon back down 😂😂😂

Sorry op for you to be in this position- however personally I don’t like the sound of your DH - if he really cared/loved you he would tolerate your parents but he just wants to be shut of them. Don’t have kids with him cause I really think you need to question your relationship with him.

First thing I do when I get to my mum’s, is let myself in with my own key, flick the kettle on, go for a wee, and then have a good rummage in the cupboards for the nice biscuits.
I also have keys to both my sisters houses and they all have keys to mine. I don’t think we’ve ever ‘invited’ each other to our homes.
Your husband and his family sound weird.
If my husband threatened to leave me because my family were too informal, I’d tell him to go.

Whether it was a male or a female posting no one should be re-evaluating their marriage because of their in-laws unless they were actually abusive. From reading OPs comments there doesn't appear to be any evidence of her parents being cruel or malicious. It seems to be more of a difference in personality which is fine, we can't all get along all the time. What isn't fine is that OP's partner seems to be making OP choose between them. He's somehow making her feel guilty or ashamed about the way she was brought up. To blame the siblings divorces on the parents is extreme and unfounded but it suits his narrative. We are of course only getting one perspective here but it doesn't sound like OP's partner is willing to compromise whereas OP gives everyone a fair chance and makes an effort with her in-laws.

Controlling !!!!! Trying to cut you off from your family with threats of them or him! Your family sound fine. Watch him though !

Sounds like you have completely different families and outlooks to what visiting looks like. Neither is wrong. What's wrong is that he's threatening you with divorce over it. It's his way or the highway

Personally I find your husband’s family
strange, I would feel so awkward and uncomfortable having to be waited on and wouldn’t feel welcome to have to be formally invited to visit. But then my family is more like yours and I will drop in to my parents without notice if I’m in the area and they do the same, I feel more welcome to be able to do that and it feels more ‘real’ than going at a set time so they can put on a show

We are not dissimilar. My Dad lives an hour away with his wife (my Mum died years ago) and while I love him to bits, he and my stepmum never show much interest in my Dad's grandchildren. He was single when the first few came along and was really involved, but less so later on. DD (15) and I stayed with him recently for a couple of days while stepmum was away and he hardly asked DD about anything relating to her. He is 90 but was no different ten years ago.

If we lived closer I would absolutely let myself in, use the loo and make a cuppa - as we do with MIL. Can't relate there.....

MIL lives close by and we go round a lot. She is always so interested in us, the kids, their lives and health, and wider family etc. She always wants to feed people and spends her life planning what to feed the next lot of visitors etc.

DH probably finds my Dad uninterested and unbothered, which compared to MIL I suppose he is. He is also quite well off but gives the kids maybe £10 for birthdays (and £30 to me) where MIL gives me £100 and the children presents costing £40 or so. She is comfortably off too. We giggle at the differences but it's horses for courses, none of us need anything from either of them so it's up to them. But MIL is far more interested and caring on a day to day basis - although I'm sure my Dad loves all his children and does appreciate us hugely.

Luckily DH just rolls his eyes at stuff and gets on with it. I can't understand how OPs partner is finding it a 'relationship re-evaluating' issue? Her parents may not be what he's used to but they aren't abusive or rude. And not letting them make a cup of tea in their house is just weird........ (are they allowed to use the loo??)

You each married each other - not your parents.

Your focus is all wrong.

You entered a "forever team" when you got married - not an each of you is "perfect", but the "you need to face all things as a team and work them out as a team."

No absolute rights and wrongs - but you need to grow up and work it out as a couple.

He doesn't like your parents, you don't like his, but you are less stressed than him.

He is stressed by your parents if he's flinging ultimatums. Or he's laying the groundwork for blame, if he's looking to get out of the marriage.

Assuming he's not having an affair or keeping a back pocket reason to divorce, just why is this such a problem?

Are your parents round every week? How much do they intrude?

Have you discussed what actually ticks him off about your parents and their comments?

Why don't you tell your parents politely to put a cork in it and not to insult your husband? Or are you hiding he's not a nice person?

I have a very anger and bitter MIL, ever since her husband walked out 30 years ago (affair) and for various other reasons.

Quite taken aback when her and SIL were so rude and disrespectful, about something unimportant, that wasn't quite connected to me, about 10 years ago.

My husband rarely gets angry. He's a very calm peron. But on this occasion, he bellowed with rage. Wasn't expecting the attack or counter-attack.

They shut up immediately. Never loved my husband more.

You always want your partner to have your back.

So if you're planning lifelong with your husband - don't sit on the fence - put down boundaries protecting your husband. Unless he's a jerk.

And go see your parents without him - but he needs to know you have his back.

I agree with this^
I also think that his conversations about your siblings’ divorced and about reevaluating your relationship are very odd. It’s like he’s finding excuses to break with you and trying to make you the guilty party.
I don’t like people coming uninvited, making themselves tea in my house and I expect grandparents remember grandchildren’s birthdays. However I would never react as your DH and I would never come to his conclusions. He just resents everything about you, he is so negative, so poisonous and so rude. I suspect your parents don’t like him much but who would?

I think your DH has got some significant MH issues. Your family set up is entirely normal- although unusual that your parents are a bit tight with gifts- and his is absolutely bizarre. I would think carefully about the message you are sending to your own children. It is absolutely not normal to think it is disrespectful to go to the loo in someone else’s home.