Page 17 | Stuck between parents and DH

clawcliphurts · 2024-04-06T19:50:52+00:00

My DH doesn't get on with my parents, they don't really particularly like him either. I am stuck in the middle as I love my parents even though they can be awkward and love my DH. I am tolerant of people and I can honestly tolerate most people - he says life is too short to "only tolerate people". So I am now presuming the only way forward is to see them without him being involved. He can't understand why I can't see how cold and rude they are- I find them very loving and I have never known any different. He was brought up in a very different way and I find his family so het up and formal but I don't begrudge spending time or seeing them. Both my siblings got divorced last year and my DH is convinced its because of the in laws. He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them. I' ve told him I won't choose and he needs to be more tolerant - he says life is too short to "just be tolerant" and that he can't have them hanging over him for the rest of his life- I asked what he meant and he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life. AIBU? They have never done anything personally to him they are just very very different people.

HollyKnight · 07/04/2024 17:29

MightWriteNight · 07/04/2024 16:49

What are you on about? OP hasn’t said her mum just walks into her house that I can see. Her DH objects that SHE can walk into THEIR house whenever she wants. He
can have whatever batshit rules he wants for his house as long as OP is okay with it. He objects to what her parents do in THEIR house. He wants to be waited on hand and foot. I think that’s fucking rude. Fine, OP’s parents are are bad grandparents. But her MIL thinks her other grandson is a brat because his mother has chosen to be more relaxed than she is. Not exactly granny of the fucking year…

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my parents have never invited us we just of turn up as and when and they used to do this to us which he really really hated (this has been stopped now).

Maybe the other child is a brat. Relaxed parenting sometimes means no boundaries.

chrisfromcardiff · 07/04/2024 17:30

clawcliphurts · 06/04/2024 22:43

Because he feels this is rude (that they allow this) he feels there is no warmth from just walking in and making yourself at home in someone elses home. He thinks we should be invited over and sit down all together with tea in the pot posh cake etc not just help yourself. In other words as he says -his mum makes us feel welcome with an official invite which is common courtesy my parents have never invited us we just of turn up as and when and they used to do this to us which he really really hated (this has been stopped now).

My who he finds too posh seem to live their lives in a way I would probably associate with less posh people and his mum lives her life like a posher person although she is far less well off than my parents.

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Is his mother Hyacinth Bucket? It sounds as though, from a monetary standpoint, they would not be considered posh so they are acting the way they think posh people act.

chrisfromcardiff · 07/04/2024 17:34

cyclamenqueen · 07/04/2024 09:33

Leaving the odd loo thing aside , on the face of it his family sound a bit Hyacinth Bouquet however , children are often very honest and inciteful and the fact that your dc prefer your dh family says to me that there is more to this situation .

my family is big , overwhelming possibly , someone is always talking about or playing music as we have lots of musicians in the family and my parents also had active professional lives into their seventies etc and I know my dh found it baffling on occasion . But our children are still cherished and remembered and included. I could make myself a cup of tea but they would always offer, my SM would be horrified that someone wasn’t offered and felt they had to make their own ! My SM would never for example cook something that her SILs or DILs didn’t like and in fact would always make a bit of a fuss of them so that they felt valued and welcomed as part of the family .

it is possible to be both relaxed but welcoming and also a good and considerate hosts . To be honest your parents do sound as if they might be just a little bit superior and self centred.

Edited

I mentioned Hyacinth Bucket in a later post and now see yours! His parents sound exactly like people who aspire to be seen as posh but don't have the means to actually be considered posh.

HollyKnight · 07/04/2024 17:36

Gymnopedie · 07/04/2024 16:44

You don't get to tell someone, "You only feel that way because your mum has OCD, therefore you are wrong." He isn't wrong to find them too much. That's how he feels.

Of course. But the answer to that is maybe just not to see them, as many women on MN are urged to do too.

But to say he shouldn't have married OP and that they're ruining his life - either there is much more going on than the OP has said, or he's taking it too far and making no effort to change how he feels. As a result he's making OP be the one to change and she already has done, but it's not enough.

He just sounds like someone who has spent 10 years around people he doesn't like and has reached the end of his tether with it all. There was also a comment somewhere about him being worried that the OP is going to turn out like her mother when she's older and have no boundaries around their daughter and her partner's home.

chrisfromcardiff · 07/04/2024 17:37

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 07/04/2024 15:46

Your husband sounds like a hideous prig to me. It's fine for people to have different styles, but to think you and your family's way is The One True Way and everyone else should fall in line is closed minded and twattish. Also very presumptuous to think he knows better than you why your siblings marriages broke up. And just generally an arsehole. What exactly do you find attractive about this chippy parochial wanker?

I must memorize "chippy parochial wanker" so I can use it!! (:

Crochetablanket · 07/04/2024 17:38

This all sounds very contradictory - I like his mum she is very genuine and warm but very very stiff and formal, kids love her because everything is fancy and posh I just cannot see how she can be ‘warm’ when everything is stiff and formal, you cannot relax in her home ( or go to the loo !)
Having said that, all families are different and as adults we usually go along with things with family to help us all get along.

Your DH has no right whatsoever to say you were ‘dragged up’ that’s just nasty. Saying he is wishing to ‘Re- evaluate’ the relationship is also
condescending/bullying/ nasty.

Has there been a massive change in your DHs life ? What has caused him to be so nasty and suddenly decide ‘they are ruining his life’ ? is he experiencing some health issues?
It’s all a bit ‘me, me, me’

If there is nothing going on with him health wise/ stress/ work problem then for the ‘dragged up’ comment alone I would say it’s not him who needs to ‘re-evaluate the relationship’ I would be telling him to piss right off.

LakieLady · 07/04/2024 17:39

BubziOwl · 07/04/2024 14:53

Thinking it's rude to use someone's loo is extremely weird.

I agree.

If I wasn't able to use someone else's lav, I'd barely be able to visit anyone for more than an hour or so. I'd definitely have to restrict myself to one mug of tea, and as someone who has to have a large mug of tea at least hourly, that would be intolerable.

Bigcat25 · 07/04/2024 17:39

I think you and your husband need counselling. He doesn't seem to understand that most people didn't grow up this way. It's sounds manipulative that he's using your siblings divorce as ammo for his POV, especially when it's sounds totally unfounded. Has he ever asked the ex's if they divorced bc of your parents? It's actually very insulting as one divorce was bc of an affair, which of course is a very good reason to divorce. He may not be trying to be manipulative, it may be genuine delusion or a faulty belief, but he needs help.

It's really unfair that he wants you to distance
Yourself from your family. I'm not saying that he's an abuser, but that is one thing narcissists or abusers can do. It doesn't seem that he's considering your feelings very much. Also, it's not his concern how long your parents want to work for.

Sallysappho · 07/04/2024 17:40

Sorry but he sounds like an arrogant twat. Your family sounds perfectly normal, his are a bit stiff. But he seems to be making a n issue out of nothing at all. Is he just jealous of how your family behave towards each other.
How he is reacting is coming close to c & c and you need to watch this. Don't surrender your links with your family because of him, just visit without him

diddl · 07/04/2024 17:42

I should imagine they love MIL because she is interested & engages with them.

They are probably happy to overlook cake on doylies for that!

It seems that Op's husband chooses not to use the toilet as Op & her kids can.

Maybe he cba to clean afterwards!

PaminaMozart · 07/04/2024 17:46

LakieLady · 07/04/2024 17:39

I agree.

If I wasn't able to use someone else's lav, I'd barely be able to visit anyone for more than an hour or so. I'd definitely have to restrict myself to one mug of tea, and as someone who has to have a large mug of tea at least hourly, that would be intolerable.

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That's it, in a nutshell.

'Hosting' is all about making guests feel welcome and comfortable.

Rules and 'etiquette' are secondary, i.e. relevant only if they either facilitate or impede the all important welcoming and feeling comfortable.

wearasuitornothing · 07/04/2024 17:52

The toilet thing is shocking. This is his problem and he needs serious therapy to unpack his relationship with his mother. It sounds fucked up

VWT5 · 07/04/2024 17:57

OP, if it is as serious for him to say that he “needs to seriously reevaluate our relationship” - would it be helpful for you to suggest to your DH to write the issues from his point of view and post separately on MN or Gransnet?

The replies would be genuinely interesting - he might benefit from seeing other honest opinions?

(use of toilet, sitting down, waited upon etc)

Witchbitch20 · 07/04/2024 17:58

Batshit

User1979289 · 07/04/2024 17:58

Are the children allowed to use the toilet?
I can't fathom this madness at all.

WearyAuldWumman · 07/04/2024 17:58

clawcliphurts · 06/04/2024 22:43

Because he feels this is rude (that they allow this) he feels there is no warmth from just walking in and making yourself at home in someone elses home. He thinks we should be invited over and sit down all together with tea in the pot posh cake etc not just help yourself. In other words as he says -his mum makes us feel welcome with an official invite which is common courtesy my parents have never invited us we just of turn up as and when and they used to do this to us which he really really hated (this has been stopped now).

My who he finds too posh seem to live their lives in a way I would probably associate with less posh people and his mum lives her life like a posher person although she is far less well off than my parents.

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My husband was originally from Aberdeenshire. When he moved further south, he found it weird that people needed an invitation to go round for a cup of tea.

WaitingForRainAgain · 07/04/2024 18:00

your husband and your MIL behave in a really odd way. Not using the toilet is downright bizarre.

WearyAuldWumman · 07/04/2024 18:02

clawcliphurts · 07/04/2024 00:34

It is his house as well and letting my mum and dad make cups at tea etc is so far from what he is used to this is why I have told my mum to not do this any longer because I do respect that it is his house too and so very very alien to him, so I originally thought this would be enough as they being informal in HIS or OUR house is very different to being informal in their own. He worries that I am going to be like my mum when I am older and just walk into our daughters house without any respect or boundaries for her house or partner. He thinks they and me have no manners and we are all downright rude and he feels totally unwelcome in their family.

OP - I'm very sorry, but your husband's attitude is abnormal.

WearyAuldWumman · 07/04/2024 18:08

clawcliphurts · 07/04/2024 10:43

My parents are more financially well off move in highish social circles and eat out in expensive restaurants, they worked till their 70's in order to fund this lifestyle that they were used to and enjoyed. So in his eyes they are very very posh and snobby, and he hates the way they treat us all - with pure disrespect. (ie getting our own drinks, standing in the kitchen!) He says there is no warmth and love. His mum lives on a council estate and she has manners and follows etiquette and totally dotes on us when we visit but it is so stifling.

We have been married for 10 years and he is finding it harder and harder to deal with as time goes on. I am fed up of arguing about it so this morning I have told him he never has to visit my family again and if they come round (they now know to text or call) if he is home I will put them off or he can go out. I can't be bothered to argue about it anymore.

Sorry, but your DH is batshit.

Look...I was brought up in a coalmining community. The women served the men. If we had relatives over, the best china was brought out. If we were short of food, we pretended that the women of the house were working in the kitchen and getting theirs later.

Times have changed. Your DH has a chip on his shoulder and his behaviour and ideas are bizarre.

I'm in my 60s; he's a young man and yet he has ideas that are literally from the last century.

I hope you have a separate bank account.

WearyAuldWumman · 07/04/2024 18:10

clawcliphurts · 07/04/2024 11:27

He has friends round sometimes but he also does the hosting as he knows I am crap at the type of thing. It will be biscuits on a plate on the coffee table, tea in a teapot or a mug of coffee ( cafeteriere never instant) and always sitting in the sitting room. I have friends round and is much less formal which again he finds hard as I am not treating them with respect. He seems to think that most people don't use the toilet in other peoples homes as the people he has had round have never used it!!! This is good manners and etiquette. He says he has been brought up I have been dragged up.

He's a cheeky b.

Notreat · 07/04/2024 18:21

HollyKnight · 07/04/2024 14:58

In your opinion. In other people's opinion, not even offering someone a seat when they visit is not "perfectly polite". Talking only about yourself is not "perfectly polite". Ignoring your grandchildren is not "perfectly polite".

He isn't enforcing anything on his wife and children. What he is doing is the exact opposite. He is basically saying, "I know I have no control over you and your family, so I need to decide for myself if I want to continue to be a part of this."

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No he isn't he is saying his wife should no longer have contact with her family. He can do what he wants. But he can't dictate his wife's behaviour.
And I never offer my friends and family a seat when they visit me I don't need to they know they can just sit down!

WearyAuldWumman · 07/04/2024 18:22

pikkumyy77 · 07/04/2024 13:47

The problem here—the ONLY problem—is the DH’s fragility and rigidity. OP is able to manage socializing with both sets, and her children can too. It is the DH who can not tolerate any deviation from the perceived perfection of his family’s culture.

This story has crossed a classic mumsnet tripwire: class and a lot of posters feel uncomfortable “supporting” OP s posh parents and fantasize that lace doily grandma is the underdog who needs support and approval. But this is just entering into the DH’s disturbed psychological prison in which there is a right and wrong way to do things and the “wrong” people must be chastised and avoided.

This is simply absurd. He can’t tolerate being told to “help yourself” at a buffet party with free flowing drinks?

Yup.

I'm in my 60s. I went to uni, but I'm originally from a coalmining family.

When I was involved in a student exchange, my pal (also from a working class family) and I wore our best suits to travel to our destination. It was what we were used to.

The middle class students all wore their jeans. I was kind of shocked at the time...

Times change.

I think when you've been brought up poor, "making a good show" is more important to you.

PinkIcedCream · 07/04/2024 18:30

Definitely a DH problem here and the fact that he’s threatening your relationship over any non compliance, is a massive red flag to me.

Your DH knows that his mum has mental health problems inc. diagnosed (?) anxiety and agoraphobia, yet he thinks your family are the problem simply because they do things differently and lead busy and fulfilling lives. Even his own sister acknowledges that the made up rules of etiquette at his mum’s house are too rigid and intense so, she chooses to visit less often. What does he think about that?

I think I’d be focussing on how following his bizarre rules might affect your children as they grow up (especially regarding children accessing the toilet in someone else’s house??).

In your shoes, there’s no way I’d pander to such nonsense and I’d be asking him to consider you both attending some family therapy if he wants to move forward, otherwise, yes, break up.

maddening · 07/04/2024 18:30

clawcliphurts · 07/04/2024 10:43

My parents are more financially well off move in highish social circles and eat out in expensive restaurants, they worked till their 70's in order to fund this lifestyle that they were used to and enjoyed. So in his eyes they are very very posh and snobby, and he hates the way they treat us all - with pure disrespect. (ie getting our own drinks, standing in the kitchen!) He says there is no warmth and love. His mum lives on a council estate and she has manners and follows etiquette and totally dotes on us when we visit but it is so stifling.

We have been married for 10 years and he is finding it harder and harder to deal with as time goes on. I am fed up of arguing about it so this morning I have told him he never has to visit my family again and if they come round (they now know to text or call) if he is home I will put them off or he can go out. I can't be bothered to argue about it anymore.

Don't give him the option of putting them off imo- as long as it isn't excessive visiting and there isn't a good reason for asking them not to visit his being a twat shouldn't mean they don't come - just give him notice that they will be coming and he can either make himself scarce or put up with it.

Stillhopefull · 07/04/2024 18:31

He sounds massively controlling. You’re not trying to make his family change or complain about how they don’t do things the same as yours but yet he’s trying to criticise your family and insult the way you were raised. Note the difference in how you both handle each others family.

Unless someone’s family is being openly offensive eg. racist or aggressive their family traditions and ways of doing things should be respected within reason as long as it’s not making anyone feel unsafe etc.

He talks about a lack of love & warmth but where is the love for you if he speaks about your family like this ? Does he want you to cut them off or something because they don’t follow his idea of “etiquette”?

I think you’ve handled this the right way by saying he can just stop engaging with your family. But also I’d pull back on visits to his family and also don’t tolerate him continuing to bad mouth your family.

You’ve given him the perfect escape - if he doesn’t want to interact with them he doesn’t have to any longer so at this point there’s no excuse for him to keep complaining about them.