Stuck between parents and DH

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My DH doesn't get on with my parents, they don't really particularly like him either. I am stuck in the middle as I love my parents even though they can be awkward and love my DH. I am tolerant of people and I can honestly tolerate most people - he says life is too short to "only tolerate people". So I am now presuming the only way forward is to see them without him being involved. He can't understand why I can't see how cold and rude they are- I find them very loving and I have never known any different.

He was brought up in a very different way and I find his family so het up and formal but I don't begrudge spending time or seeing them. Both my siblings got divorced last year and my DH is convinced its because of the in laws. He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them. I' ve told him I won't choose and he needs to be more tolerant - he says life is too short to "just be tolerant" and that he can't have them hanging over him for the rest of his life- I asked what he meant and he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life. AIBU? They have never done anything personally to him they are just very very different people.

What does he/they do that is so hated by the other party?

Can he give examples of what he believes they have done that he finds so objectionable?

What does he need to be tolerant of?

You don't give any examples so it's hard to judge.

If they are abusive then you are being unreasonable.

If they hurt your kids then you are being I reasonable,

If they don't always make his favourite food he is being unreasonable.

You really haven’t given any information that would enable any of us to form an opinion.

What do you tolerate that he doesn’t want to? I mean, he could be an arsehole, but you could be a walkover.

There has to be more context to this. Your post avoids even hinting they do anything wrong besides saying they clearly dislike him. Whereas if we’re to take what he’s saying as correct then they’re so bad as to have split up your siblings marriages. That’s pretty extreme.
So what’s the middle bit? Do you just not see how they act as damaging, or are they totally innocent in all this and your DH just refuses for no reason to be near them?

How on earth are your parents ruining his life????

Do they not like him because they can see he is trying to isolate you from them??

You find his family formal, he finds yours cold and rude? What is actually going on?

There’s no examples of what he has to “tolerate”, so hard to give an opinion. Sounds as though he’d like you to choose though and he’d like to distance you from them. If you get on with your parents and love them then I’d be wary of him and maybe consider ending the relationship if he can’t compromise.

could you be more clear about what he sees as intolerable behavior or intolerable treaty? Because he is expressing a really high level of dislike and distress. Even if you think he is “wrong” to let it affect him it does affect him negatively snd ultimately he probably can’t change his reactions so may need to rnd the marriage.

OP that's crazy- most people struggle with their in laws a little. Most people make an effort and accept that life isnt all rainbows and butterflies. This is a very extreme reaction - do you think they might have said something untoward?

How often are you expecting them to spend time together? Can you spend more time with them without him? I would do this for a bit until it settles down- don't let him cut them off from you.

Can you ask him for specific examples of what they are doing that is so difficult to deal with?

more info needed

he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life.
What exactly have they done to him? If the answer is nothing then please be very aware that abusive men try and isolate their partners from family and friends as one way to control and manipulate.

I have tried my very best with dh’s parents but they have been absolutely awful to me and our children and they’re not particularly nice to dh either so I finally gave up trying to have a decent relationship a couple of years ago.

I leave any contact to dh now and see them at wider family events only. Dh is totally supportive of me doing so and has always had my back when it came to issues. I would never consider leaving him over it unless he didn’t have my back and stand up for us and our children.

If your parents haven’t actually ever done anything to him I can’t understand his stance. He must feel this strongly for some reason surely? Otherwise you could just see your parents alone and he can stay out of it.

Are they racist? Sexist? Condescending? Or you confusing love as their daughter to what they are really like?

My ex claimed he was in the middle between ‘there have always been issues between my parents and my wife and I don’t know why and I’m hurt as I’m in the middle’ statement to counsellor / asked for my thoughts I explained that they had called me ‘a fucking gold digger bitch ‘ overheard on the phone to my then boyfriend referring to me - also called a slut etc and then laughed at because I was a Christian and went to church (his parents were a different religion) called a bitch in front of our children and then also had to put up with him physically fighting with his parents - he explained to the counsellor that this was ‘normal’ in his family and hot air and how they resolved it. So I would ask him why and to explain and reflect on what they are really like and if are amazing to you or you and him

Following, as I’m in a slightly similar situation, although he hasn’t claimed they’re ruining his life. I strongly believe there’s nothing awful about my parents, but they do sometimes say whatever pops into their heads without thinking about it. E.g. my Mum once sat in our lounge and said “your windows are dirty” but in a kind of jokey way because everything is a bit bantery in our family. I didn’t care at all, but I think it’s a kind of class-related culture clash? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't like my husband's parents so I don't see them, like he says life's too short.
I found them overbearing, dh supported that decision and we went no contact, I didn't expect him to stop seeing them but he decided he would stand by me.
I think there's a lot of woman who can't stand their in-laws and going no contact is quite common but I've never seen it the other way round, usually men don't feel comfortable speaking up but he has and you should listen.

We need real examples of your parents behaviour - I have at times not been able to tolerate my in laws. They are not bad people but they have at times pushed my buttons

Never have they caused me to reevaluate my relationship so it does feel there's a lot more to this story

Not a nice place to feel in the middle OP so I do feel for you!

He's looking for a way to walk away, using your parents as the reason/excuse.

Tell him to stop playing games and put his cards on the table.

Oh, and please don't beg him to stay, he's not worth it.

If a woman came on here saying things about a toxic mil there would be a string of replies along the lines of they need to earn a relationship with you and their grandchildren and they don't deserve to be involved, this is on them, need to know their place, stop being entitled etc etc and by the end of the thread they'd have been armchair diagnosed as narcissistic and the woman warned to keep her distance and put boundaries in place...
Your parents may seem lovely to you but your dh sees another side to them and isn't comfortable with being around them or your children so are you going to stand by your husband like he would be expected to do if the tables were turned or not? because if not then he should be considering your future.
You can see your parents but stick for up your husband as he's your family now and he can choose not to see them.

Do you have any children?

I am not sure if it is some sort of jealousy - my parents were quite well off and as I child I got to experience lots of different things - his family struggled financially and he did very little as a child. My parents both worked until their early 70's so they still had money to enjoy a rich and varied life with lots of travel when they retired. He can't understand why anyone would want to work past 60. They are rubbish with the kids birthdays, they often don't bother to see them and at christmas I always end up buying gifts for them to give them because they just can't be bothered and I get that - they have become very selfish since retiring because they are so busy being busy.

I would say myself, my siblings and my parents have a relaxed relationship, - we all have to keys to our parents and we pop in if passing etc but his mum has to invite you to her house and neither him nor his sister have a key. If I visit my parents I will make a cup of tea- at his mums you have to sit and she will make a cup of tea sometimes but not always. At his mums the children aren't allowed to watch TV but kids just put it on at my parents He thinks I am rude in my parents house and the fact that I think it is ok for the kids to switch the TV on at their house. My mum has been known to make a drink at our house and to me that is normal and I have had to remind my mum more than once that it is my husbands house as well and he isn't happy with her doing that which she found hard to understand. I allow my parents to use our bathroom but DH will not use his mums bathroom as he was brought up to use public conveniences instead of using toilets in relatives houses. He has never used the toilet in his mums house or made a drink - to me this is odd.

I think the main problem is - his mum is too extreme in her formality and my parents are maybe too relaxed he feels uncomfortable.

I have quite a big family and there is always some event or other golden wedding, wedding, christening and he feels completely out of his comfort zone because I do have a big family and we do have big get togethers but I thought being relaxed with no airs and graces is much easier to be than stuffy and formal. His family is just his mum and his sister her H and their 4 yr old so very few family get togethers. I like his mum and sister and do find the formality of sitting in a chair and being waited on hand and foot very different to my family.

Actually now I have written this it has made me realise how overwhelming my family must be to him and maybe I need to take a step back.

Your family sound quite normal. His sounds weird!

I allow my parents to use our bathroom but DH will not use his mums bathroom as he was brought up to use public conveniences instead of using toilets in relatives houses. He has never used the toilet in his mums house or made a drink - to me this is odd.

ok: he needs therapy because his family are seriously disturbed and he was brought up to think it is normal.

He appears to be treated like a leper at his own dp's home. How very sad..