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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stuck between parents and DH

494 replies

clawcliphurts · 06/04/2024 20:50

My DH doesn't get on with my parents, they don't really particularly like him either. I am stuck in the middle as I love my parents even though they can be awkward and love my DH. I am tolerant of people and I can honestly tolerate most people - he says life is too short to "only tolerate people". So I am now presuming the only way forward is to see them without him being involved. He can't understand why I can't see how cold and rude they are- I find them very loving and I have never known any different.

He was brought up in a very different way and I find his family so het up and formal but I don't begrudge spending time or seeing them. Both my siblings got divorced last year and my DH is convinced its because of the in laws. He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them. I' ve told him I won't choose and he needs to be more tolerant - he says life is too short to "just be tolerant" and that he can't have them hanging over him for the rest of his life- I asked what he meant and he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life. AIBU? They have never done anything personally to him they are just very very different people.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 07/04/2024 08:34

A lot of people don't like their in laws, I've never heard of someone reconsider a relationship over it though and you say DH so to say he is reconsidering a marriage over it very strange to me. It would be a red flag for me and I wonder if he is trying to isolate you from your family.

pyjamalife · 07/04/2024 08:35

@clawcliphurts

Please can you confirm if "never use the toilet" means he doesn't even have a wee in the bathroom or is a euphemism for not doing anything more than a wee?

Blahblah34 · 07/04/2024 08:36

Oh come on, you can't let your husband dictate that your own mother isn't allowed to make a cup of tea in your house. That's ridiculous.

pickledandpuzzled · 07/04/2024 08:36

It feels to me as though his family are aspirational and set store on good manners, hosting and rituals.

Yours are more self assured in the sense that they are happy to ‘take us as we are, what you see is what you get’. No airs and graces necessary, no need to impress.

This sounds like a what v pardon scenario.

I get his discomfort, but he should be prioritising his nuclear family- you and his kids- not threatening to leave because his ils are ‘weird’.

Where is the compromise? When your DD grows up and gets her own place, you can ask her how she wants you to behave. You need to establish your own family culture, which will be a mash up!

JLou08 · 07/04/2024 08:40

Do you have any friends OP? Did he not like your friends either?

SallyWD · 07/04/2024 08:41

I find it very, very odd that he's threatening to leave over this. Ok your parents are different to his but doesn't he realise everyone's different? There may be things he doesn't like about your parents but it doesn't sound like they've done anything offensive or are rude to him. His own parents sound quite strange. He says your parents are rude but it could be argued his parents are rude if he's not comfortable enough to use their toilets!
Does he expect expect everyone to be like his parents?!
Many people have issues with their in-laws but they just remain polite and try to rub along. They don't leave their spouses over it unless their in-laws are truly vile.
I can't help feeling his own upbringing has caused him to be very uptight and rigid.

Unfairworld · 07/04/2024 08:43

NONE of what you said means you need to change the way you are. Surely you just tolerate each other’s family - and that’s it? You each love your families, they’re both important.

What is his objective??

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 07/04/2024 08:43

That is a very weird thing to threaten to leave over - which makes it a big red flag.

NotStayingIn · 07/04/2024 08:45

Your DH needs to grow up. No two families are the same, why can’t he just accept that and get on with things…

Him deliberately making this into a continuous issue is on him. What an arse. No idea what else is going on here but I would be so over this nonsense now and take him up on his offer to break up.

Pipsquiggle · 07/04/2024 08:47

Similar dynamics to my and DH's families.

I think my DH over the years has realised how weird his own family is and gradually started to realise that my mum and dad making a cup of tea in our house isn't sacrilege.

It took about 12 years though

ZetuianRose · 07/04/2024 08:48

This is a definite DH problem. Your family sounds normal (if a little rubbish at being grandparents) and his sounds psychotic.

Why is he so intolerant of different people and different ways? Why does he get so uptight about your own mother making a brew in your kitchen?

Most importantly, why does he find that such a big deal that he would end your relationship over it?? The man can’t love you if having to choose where to stand and selecting his own biscuit is more important than your relationship!

Bin him. He sounds nuts and very controlling. EXTREMELY controlling in fact. I’d be getting massive red flags if my DP disliked my parents to such an extreme if there had never been any actual issues.

Rosestulips · 07/04/2024 08:55

his parents don’t allow you to use their loo, that’s the strangest thing I’ve ever heard.

no wonder they don’t offer drinks

Greengagesnfennel · 07/04/2024 09:04

So your family never invite you, ignore the kids when you arrive and leave you to sort yourselves out for tea and coffee and let yourselves in?

And some posters are saying that your parents house sounds the more friendly relaxed one!

Than granny making the kids a tea on Dollie’s….Kids imo are very incisive and I think it’s telling that you admit they prefer his families house.

Your DH does have some very odd rules about toilets and tea making, but I think I’d feel more uncomfortable if I visited someone and they ignored my arrival like it sounds like your family might do if they felt the timing didn’t suit them.

Midwinter91 · 07/04/2024 09:09

Your family sound fine, if a bit self centred. Not everyone is big on Christmas and birthdays and it’s a good thing they like to travel and have worked hard. It doesn’t sound like they have done anything to your husband. Somethings not right with him, he sounds incredibly intolerant.

OP is he difficult at home with you, does he get angry often, are there rules you have to follow or he gets upset?

Daleksatemyshed · 07/04/2024 09:11

Your DH sounds very set in his ways if he can't accept your family over such small things. If they'd been unkind and nasty then NC would be OK but he wants to blow up your marriage over making tea? As for blaming them for two divorces, that's just batshit. Don't let him create a rift between you and your family Op, he's coming across as pig headed and controlling

Takenoprisoner · 07/04/2024 09:17

CRE2024 · 07/04/2024 00:47

This has got to be a piss take???? Are you honestly suggesting taking a step back from your loving parents because your mum made herself a cup of tea in your house. If this is a wind up it's a bit weird. If it's not a wind up RUNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

This.

Your parents sound normal. His really don't. you can't make a cup of tea or use the toilets in his mum's house? you know that's very abnormal? Do none of you use the toilet whilst there?

He sounds like a judgmental twat who's projecting his family's weirdness onto yours, and it's working. You've asked your mum to stop helping herself to hot drinks at yours and wait to be served. its his home, but it's your home also. He may be jealous of your more privileged childhood and better off parents.

He sounds quite manipulative, saying he will have to reconsider your relationship over this.

Yes your parents are a bit lazy wrt your children. But other than that seems like he wants to isolate you from them.

Angelsrose · 07/04/2024 09:20

@clawcliphurts I think your DH is being ridiculous. I think in life, especially with families you have to be tolerant and not expect everyone to act and think as you do. I think a lot of women can relate to the relaxed relationship you have with your parents. I personally find what you are describing with your parents very normal. Sometimes male partners resent a strong bond that their wives have with their own parents as it means they cannot get away with treating their wives in a rubbish way because the wife has options to escape. For your DH to say he is considering the marriage because of your parents who haven't done anything to him, is totally ludicrous. And it sounds like your siblings had good reasons to split with their partners, it doesn't sound like your parents had any involvement whatsoever.

Nanaof1 · 07/04/2024 09:22

clawcliphurts · 07/04/2024 00:34

It is his house as well and letting my mum and dad make cups at tea etc is so far from what he is used to this is why I have told my mum to not do this any longer because I do respect that it is his house too and so very very alien to him, so I originally thought this would be enough as they being informal in HIS or OUR house is very different to being informal in their own. He worries that I am going to be like my mum when I am older and just walk into our daughters house without any respect or boundaries for her house or partner. He thinks they and me have no manners and we are all downright rude and he feels totally unwelcome in their family.

He sounds like nothing but a total dick.

So far, I've not read even ONE redeeming feature of this dud. Yes, it's also his house but it is also YOUR house and YOUR parents.

He needs to see a surgeon so he can have an operation to remove the stick up his ass.

Angelsrose · 07/04/2024 09:22

@clawcliphurts and don't step back from your family! They sound great!

TotHappy · 07/04/2024 09:22

He's being monstrously unfair. What about in your own home, OP? Does he insist your kids ask for snacks, TV, does he have very formal routines?

MichaelFlatulence · 07/04/2024 09:24

The only thing I find odd is that he can’t adjust his views. He is so set that his way is ‘right’. You seem to be flexible and have insight to how your own family and others are different (my family have a term for this as we always say how your own brand of weird is normal),he lacks that.

Perhaps some therapy might help you both navigate this.

Takenoprisoner · 07/04/2024 09:30

I also think he has an inferiority complex going on and is insecure about his own childhood and growing up with less than your family. So is trying to make you feel insecure wrt to yours. He's also hinting at leaving you if you don't fall in line. Very very manipulative

Nanaof1 · 07/04/2024 09:32

It almost sounds as if OP's NVDH is "looking for a reason" to walk away from his marriage. He is WAY too insistent on this "ruining his life" crap.

I'd be waving "bye-bye" and lock the door behind him.

cyclamenqueen · 07/04/2024 09:33

Leaving the odd loo thing aside , on the face of it his family sound a bit Hyacinth Bouquet however , children are often very honest and inciteful and the fact that your dc prefer your dh family says to me that there is more to this situation .

my family is big , overwhelming possibly , someone is always talking about or playing music as we have lots of musicians in the family and my parents also had active professional lives into their seventies etc and I know my dh found it baffling on occasion . But our children are still cherished and remembered and included. I could make myself a cup of tea but they would always offer, my SM would be horrified that someone wasn’t offered and felt they had to make their own ! My SM would never for example cook something that her SILs or DILs didn’t like and in fact would always make a bit of a fuss of them so that they felt valued and welcomed as part of the family .

it is possible to be both relaxed but welcoming and also a good and considerate hosts . To be honest your parents do sound as if they might be just a little bit superior and self centred.

Angelsrose · 07/04/2024 09:35

mightydolphin · 07/04/2024 00:25

The toilet thing is really odd. I've never heard of people not going to the toilet at a relatives house.

I would say though that being allowed to 'make yourself at home' in combination with receiving a cold reception from your in laws probably isn't a pleasant experience. If you have a close, warm relationship with the host then it does feel very natural and normal. Your DH doesn't have a close relationship with them though...

On top of that, it sounds like your DC aren't spending time with their grandparents nor even remembering basic things like their birthdays! He can't even reassure himself that he is gritting his teeth and getting through it for their sake. Your DH and DC sound like they tolerate (to varying degrees) visiting your parents rather than taking any enjoyment. So, if this is the case, then you're outnumbered. I would visit and go to whatever parties they throw without putting my DH and DC through it, apart from a maybe a few times a year to be cordial.

I doubt this is down to jealousy.

Unfortunately it definitely sounds like it's down to jealousy. I just can't see a wife or female partner reacting this way. The DH sounds like he wants ultimate control and feels like he can't with his wife's parents having the means to back his wife up when he behaves badly.