Stuck between parents and DH

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My DH doesn't get on with my parents, they don't really particularly like him either. I am stuck in the middle as I love my parents even though they can be awkward and love my DH. I am tolerant of people and I can honestly tolerate most people - he says life is too short to "only tolerate people". So I am now presuming the only way forward is to see them without him being involved. He can't understand why I can't see how cold and rude they are- I find them very loving and I have never known any different.

He was brought up in a very different way and I find his family so het up and formal but I don't begrudge spending time or seeing them. Both my siblings got divorced last year and my DH is convinced its because of the in laws. He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them. I' ve told him I won't choose and he needs to be more tolerant - he says life is too short to "just be tolerant" and that he can't have them hanging over him for the rest of his life- I asked what he meant and he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life. AIBU? They have never done anything personally to him they are just very very different people.

I can see that it’s different from how he was brought up but it’s hardly ruining his life. He must be used to people acting differently if he will only use public lavatories. He can’t possibly think that is widespread.

I just cannot get past the fact he won't use the bathroom in his own parents house, that is beyond my comprehension!

You and your husband need to take this to marriage counseling. A bit of friction over cultural differences between families is normal, but his interpretation of this situation is bizarre. You may be able to work through it, but I think you are going to need a 3rd party because he isn’t going to believe you when you tell him his rigid approach is unusual.

That doesn’t mean going to therapy just to gang up on him. He needs to be comfortable in your home and when your family visits. There needs to be compromise. Before you can get to that point though, you need someone to help frame this situation.

I can see that it's two total extremes from extremely formal to hugely informal, but how is it impacting on his life to such a massive extent? I would think most people are somewhere in the middle between "you can't pee here" and "I can't be bothered to get the grandkids a present". Surely the two of you can come up with a compromise and get on with your own lives somewhere in the middle though?

Yes. Coming from a culture "similar" to what OP is describing, this is exactly what men think. And the loo situation, it's a big deal because I am assuming he was not allowed to use loo in someone's house when he was little, and now that he is a guest in his mom's place, it's rude to her.
I, at least was told, to use the loo in others house is rude and disrespectful, I think it's rubbish. Just a way to control people.

Your DHs upbringing and family sound really odd to me 😳 I would absolutely help myself to whatever at my mum's house and she and my dad would stay with us often and make drinks and sandwiches etc too. MIL was probably a bit more formal but that's because she's a good cook and baker and loved it when we went round and she could cook for us.

Your DH is a grown up and needs to realise that all families are different and just because they do things differently it doesn't mean they're wrong. To be honest, if he feels that your parents don't make much effort with your DC, that might make him feel resentful of them?

What is it that he wants you to do? Not see them? Or go and see them without him? If he is really talking about ending the relationship over this, could it be an excuse? Are there other problems going on?

Actually now I have written this it has made me realise how overwhelming my family must be to him and maybe I need to take a step back.

This is the exact opposite of what anyone else reading what you wrote would think.

From an outsider’s POV, your husband sounds rigid, insistent on getting his own way, unable to compromise or conceive that different people do things differently.

God, I’ve cringed when you’ve said your mum can’t make a cuppa at yours because ‘it’s your husband’s house too’. I just can’t even imagine how that goes.

You seem sure he’s a good man but blimey, from what you’ve written here, I dunno.

Gosh my family can’t be normal either as we are like your family apart from my parents interact constantly with all our kids. Me and my siblings all have a key, we all can show up when we like, we can help ourselves to any food and drinks available. I find this welcoming as although we all have our own families and homes, our parents home will always be our family home too. That’s just the way it’s always been in our family. If my mum or mil pops into ours their both welcome to make as many cups of tea as they want.

Your family to me are not the issue here.

What stood out to me ( apart from the supreme batshittery of his family’s toilet rules) was that he has threatened to leave you and wished he’d run when he first met them. Sounds very controlling.

He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them. I' ve told him I won't choose and he needs to be more tolerant - he says life is too short to "just be tolerant" and that he can't have them hanging over him for the rest of his life- I asked what he meant and he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life.

this is a threat. He is basically without saying it specifically that you should cut off your parents or hel leave you.

well fuck that, my response to that if it had been me he was talking to would be to call him on it and say well my parents are always going to be in my and my children’s life so maybe you should reevaluate then.

iv learned the hard way through previous relationships that no one will ever use threats (even veiled) or manipulation to control me again, don’t say it unless you mean it and if you mean it then follow through.

you don’t talk much about the rest of your relationship outside or the parental issues so the other poster suggested in marriage counselling may be right but if he is like this in other ways I personally would be taking an emotional step back to get some clarity to do my own reevaluating

Your family sounds pretty normal, but I guess it’s only normal if that’s how your own (my own) family is. He’s grown up with different manners/more formally, so he sees it as odd.

I don’t see your family contributing to the break up of your siblings’ relationships. Is he prepping to break up with you, using your parents as his excuse, with his ‘I should have run away years ago’ shite?

Dear OP
Think very carefully how you respond to this with your DH and also please read all the answers properly and a few times.

Kindly, your husband has some issues by what has been written ( which stem from his family).

The question for you is how do you want your children raised and your grandchildren to feel when they visit you in the future - what type of home do you want your family to live in. Your DH might need some therapy to process his feelings and how he was brought up, what does he actually want?

Does he want to recreate the environment he was brought up in? for example Is he fine / or how fine is he actually, with other people/family using your toilet when they visit ? ( even writing this sounds weird ), can your family / good friend / kids, grab a glass of water if thirsty etc. Little things but big things.

Just to be clear - your family sound normal, if they are overwhelming to your DH this is something he needs to work on. There are some big flags when he says he should have run a mile when he first met your family.

The toilet thing is really odd. I've never heard of people not going to the toilet at a relatives house.

I would say though that being allowed to 'make yourself at home' in combination with receiving a cold reception from your in laws probably isn't a pleasant experience. If you have a close, warm relationship with the host then it does feel very natural and normal. Your DH doesn't have a close relationship with them though...

On top of that, it sounds like your DC aren't spending time with their grandparents nor even remembering basic things like their birthdays! He can't even reassure himself that he is gritting his teeth and getting through it for their sake. Your DH and DC sound like they tolerate (to varying degrees) visiting your parents rather than taking any enjoyment. So, if this is the case, then you're outnumbered. I would visit and go to whatever parties they throw without putting my DH and DC through it, apart from a maybe a few times a year to be cordial.

I doubt this is down to jealousy.

It is his house as well and letting my mum and dad make cups at tea etc is so far from what he is used to this is why I have told my mum to not do this any longer because I do respect that it is his house too and so very very alien to him, so I originally thought this would be enough as they being informal in HIS or OUR house is very different to being informal in their own. He worries that I am going to be like my mum when I am older and just walk into our daughters house without any respect or boundaries for her house or partner. He thinks they and me have no manners and we are all downright rude and he feels totally unwelcome in their family.

He sounds like a twat. Does he alienate everyone around him? I’d tell him he can leave if he wants to, and if he wants to say again that my parents wanting people to make themselves at home at their house is a good enough reason to make Bil need to go have sex with other women and cheat on your sister then you will pack the bag for him, since he will doubtless be cheating on you in about 6 minutes.

the intolerant one is him, 1,000%.

I'm going to be honest here, your family needs slightly better boundaries of asking for food/drink/tv rather than helping themselves but otherwise your family setup sounds lovely. His though, his family setup is batshit, old fashioned and probably based on putting men front and centre. Your DH thinks he's better/higher than you, and the children and you all need to fall into line. If he really pushes this ultimatum please chose your parents/siblings otherwise your children will turn into screwed up adults.

EDIT - I called it earlier. He's trying to isolate and control you. Even the threat of an ultimatum is a form of control.

This has got to be a piss take???? Are you honestly suggesting taking a step back from your loving parents because your mum made herself a cup of tea in your house. If this is a wind up it's a bit weird. If it's not a wind up RUNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

Are your DC allowed to use the toilet at MIL’s house?

I probably fall between both camps, as will many people. I can’t cope with people popping into our house, so do need some warning. But I have no problem with MIL making herself a cup of tea when she is with us, and she can certainly use the bathroom!

I think your DH is pretty awful to threaten you with leaving because of your parents - that’s just blackmail isn’t it. Making you choose as well? Absolutely awful.

I can see your DHs side to an extent. Your parents don’t sound like great grandparents missing birthdays and not interacting with them when they do see them just stuck in front of the tele however he is wrong to threaten to leave you that’s not on.
He doesn’t like them fair enough and if they had actually done something to him fair enough but they haven’t so all these comments are out of order.

Also not going to the toilet in someone else’s and holding it is not normal. It’s weird.

What? Your family sound normal, his sound mad and he sounds like he’s got a giant chip on his shoulder and can’t cope with it. My ex was a bit like this and thank god he’s my ex quite frankly. His insecurity was one of the causes of his abusiveness I think but that’s no excuse. Your h needs to grow the fuck up.

I AGREE WITH YOU. 100%

Does he use the toilet at your parents' home?
Do you and the children use the toilet and MIL's?
Are visitors and family allowed to use your toilet?
Are there public convenience near you?

Sorry I just think this is decidedly abnormal.
Socially and medically unhelpful.

I still don't understand how he thinks your parents are posh. Is being bad hosts and bad grandparents a class indicator?

I can’t get my head round this! How is your family the unloving one when you can pop in to each others without an invite and be encouraged to make yourself at home. I’d say his family sound like the unloving ones, an invite & sometime offered a drink etc!! Madness!!

although his parents do seem more interested in your kids than yours do.

As for telling your mum she can’t make a drink at your house because it’s your husbands house too, well I think that’s disgraceful to say that to her. You should be ashamed. When you said writing it all down has made you realise…..I thought you was then going to say that you’ve realised your DH is a dick!

As for not using the toilet in relatives, WTAF is that about??!! Absolutely bizarre!!

I get the bigger family do’s might be overwhelming for someone from a small family but surely only at first till you got to know everyone, and it sounds like you’ve been together a long time.

Please don’t let him treat your parents like he is and certainly don’t let him alienate you and the kids from them.

Your family sound like the normal ones to me, certainly similar to my up bringing. At my nanas everyone used to just walk in the front door without even knocking, say hi to them and go straight into the kitchen and switch the kettle on……bet that would send your dh into cardiac arrest.

If anyone is to reevaluate the relationship, it should be you!! Your husband is trying to control you.