Stuck between parents and DH

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My DH doesn't get on with my parents, they don't really particularly like him either. I am stuck in the middle as I love my parents even though they can be awkward and love my DH. I am tolerant of people and I can honestly tolerate most people - he says life is too short to "only tolerate people". So I am now presuming the only way forward is to see them without him being involved. He can't understand why I can't see how cold and rude they are- I find them very loving and I have never known any different.

He was brought up in a very different way and I find his family so het up and formal but I don't begrudge spending time or seeing them. Both my siblings got divorced last year and my DH is convinced its because of the in laws. He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them. I' ve told him I won't choose and he needs to be more tolerant - he says life is too short to "just be tolerant" and that he can't have them hanging over him for the rest of his life- I asked what he meant and he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life. AIBU? They have never done anything personally to him they are just very very different people.

Tbf I would always drop a text to see if someone is free but couldn’t care less if a family member from either side was having a rummage around in my fridge.

The othe point is how do you want to raise your kids? Do you wjat them to bring friends home after school or come home from uni and make a cup of tea and open the fridge or wait to be invited home l, have them knock on the door and invite them inside for a cup of tea?

I actually dont think his parents are necessarily "wrong" either, the grandkids love them, but he is bang out of order pitting you against yours

You’re making too many excuses for everyone. This isn’t about being tolerant. Tolerant is for opposing religious or political views. This is about being adaptable.

All adult need to be adaptable, and to be honest, I think your DH needs to get over himself and step up here and get over himself.

My DH and I have quite opposing families. Mine of a ‘lower class’, not well spoken, louder and jolly and informal. My DH’s very formal, wealthy etc. Never have any of us had an issue mixing, because we are all adaptable adults.

Your dh is trying to alienate you from your family, he sounds controlling and ridiculous. Your parents are out of order not even putting money in a card for their grandchild but they haven't done anything else remotely wrong.

So when you need the loo at his parents house, what do you all do? Run to Tesco? Beg the neighbours? Piss in the garden?
No family is perfect and maybe your parents could be better gp’s, but it’s not a hill to die on.
However, your dp is absolutely fucking nuts to think not using his own parents bathroom is in any way normal, unless they had crippling ocd.
I’d be the one threatening to finish this marriage, not him, unless he had a serious rethink about your perfectly decent parents.

Your husband is a fucking weirdo, totally damaged by a weird upbringing.

Please can you clarify something OP?

Are you parents letting themselves into your house?
Are they coming round uninvited all the time?

or
Are they sometimes when at your house, making a cup of tea and using the bathroom?

It’s just that from your posts I gathered only the latter but there seems to be an implication from your husband that they are overfamiliar and rude.
I can’t tell if this is actually true (if they were doing the former, I think it would annoy a lot of people) or his interpretation.

I have another question for you. Please try to be very honest with yourself.

Who has compromised more in your relationship to arrive at your own family (you and your husband’s) way of life?

To be honest I would never have just gotten up and made myself tea in my in-laws, but I would have in my parents house, and I was able to come and go as I pleased at both my parents and in-laws houses, I didn’t need an invitation.
My ex-husband would have been the same.
I would never have minded my mum or my in-laws making themselves a cup of tea when they came to visit.

I would never have went to either of their homes if they weren’t in and just let myself in though, but I did have a key for a just incase scenario (they lost their keys, I needed to let myself in if they were ill etc).

The thing for me here is what do you expect your children to be like when they are adults, will you expect them not to visit if they haven’t been invited, will you or your husband expect them not to use the toilet when they visit you?
I wouldn’t want my children to feel like that, to me my home will always be their home.

This 100%

What happens if you have friends over, can they use the toilet or help make a cup of tea? Your husbands family sound like they're in a time warp. More worryingly though is his obsession with your family. Do you pass as many comments on his family? He seems to obsess over your parents behaviour, does he expect & demand that everyone in his life behave exactly as he expects ie dictates?

Before I got married, I was finding it hard to understand my in-laws to be attitudes, way they behaved at times. It wasn't causing a problem as such, just my struggle with it. Was chatting to my DH's best mate about it all, he said to me that every family has a different dynamic & I shouldn't try to understand it, just accept that that's how they do things. Not try to fight against it as such, just accept that's how it works in their family. It really helped me to hear that & it stuck with me (we've been married almost 10 years now & things with in-laws are much improved).

In some ways (eg toilet and not being allowed to help make drinks etc) his upbringing is odd. Very odd. I think your DH has come out with slightly off norm views due to his upbringing. Its bizarre. Is he neurodiverse? I ask because he is incredibly black and white.

Equally, though, in some ways eg your DM and DF not interacting with their grandchildren, is odd. But you sound very balanced.

Not a lot of middle ground to be found here if he won't accept you go to your family without him though :(

BTW your siblings marital breakdowns are not likely to be because you visit your parents whenever and can make your own drink there.... another flag that your DH may be neurodiverse.

I can't believe your husband thinks it's normal not to use the loo in his parents house, the mind boggles!
Apart from the lack of gifts on birthdays for their grandchildren your parents sound the most warm and welcoming, his sound like his mother could be Hyacinth Bucket.
Can you imagine your own children as adults, do you want them to be able to call over or would you prefer an invite only system? Do you want them to feel free to use your facilities? How does he feel about them as adults being in their childhood home?
Your dh sounds like he will alienate your children once they are adults.

Your husband is an intolerant arse and needs to understand he doesn't get to dictate how other families behave. Different isn't wrong.

What is he like when you go to friends houses who have different rules to his parents. Does he try to enforce all these rules at your house too? Or does he accept that you live there also.

I was 50/50 but it's coming across as controlling now

Compromise is the bedrock of marriage.

It's not you. It's him.

He has very strange ways.

I used to find my in laws and the way they lived completely incomprehensible and could not see why they couldn’t be more like my family. It was a major source of tension in our relationship when we first got together and especially when we had children.

And then I got older and grew up a bit. And realised that all families are different and that they were never going to change. I had to adapt to the way things were in a way that protected me but also enabled my husband and children to have a good relationship with them.

His issue here is the ridiculous ‘life is too short to tolerate people’ phrase. Life as an adult with children and a partner is not about valuing your own feelings and desires above all others- it is about adaptation and compromise. Neither family is going to change- you both need to find a way in which you can both live with that.

Other than missing your children’s birthdays/Christmas and generally showing very little interest in your kids (crap grand parenting really) your family sound fairly normal

Your husband sounds utterly batshit tbh

You both grew up in very different types of families.

When in Rome...
You need to each respect the ways of the other household when you visit. Neither is better than the other.

In your own home try to tolerate both sets of inlaws but also set your own boundaries.

I don't like the threatening way DH talks about how his inlaws are wrecking his life. Sounds loopy; he's very anxious over non familiar customs. Talking to a professional mediator type service might be worthwhile but I would just be polite at his family's place and be welcoming to close family guests..

Can you compromise and set up a tea/coffee station and a particular bathroom/toilet with guest towels for guests. (Contain the guests somewhat but give them freedom to make a cup of tea or use the loo.)

This! Your OH behaviour has massive red flags do not lessen contact with your family, your OH needs counselling his family have major issues.

His mum makes you feel welcome with an official invite but doesn't allow you to use the toilet?

That is one of the most bizarre things I have ever heard.

Reading your OP I thought it was probably something to do with you and your family which you weren't mentioning (because you didn't give any examples), but the replies made me change my mind. The toilet thing sealed it for me. He and his family sound absolutely batshit.

The more I read about this man, the less I like him. Insecure, rigid, controlling weirdo. How dare he say you have no manners!

Fuck me, run as hard as fast as you can.
Get away, he's clearly a massive twat.

Life is too short for him.

I agree that the answer would be very different if it was a woman posting about her in-laws letting themselves into her house and helping themselves to food and drink.

I also agree with the previous poster who said that your parents may seem uncaring to him - they don’t offer food and drinks to guests so you have to help yourself, they don’t play with the grandchildren, just leave them in front of the TV, and they don’t remember your children’s birthdays. Meanwhile his parents are very formal in contrast but interact with the grandchildren, remember birthdays, provide guests with food and drink. Couple that with a small and formal family versus a large family with lots of events, and I can understand why your husband is struggling.

The toilet thing is weird, though. How do you manage when you visit, especially with young children?