Due to be a MiL. What are the do's and don"ts to foster a great relationship.

[MiLbrowniepoints]

My son had just announced his engagement. I have met his fiance twice before in a group family setting, so no one on one time with her. She seems lovely and I'm so happy for them.

They live a distance away due to my sons job but due to move nearer home soon, so I will see a lot more of them(I hope).

I see so many threads on MN of hatred for MiL's so what should I do or not do to forge a great relationship with her.

do not offer advice without being asked. Do not suddenly expect a much closer relationship than what you have just because she becomes pregnant.

just be genuinely open as a person and try to get to know her. There is no saying you will be besties nor hate each other but one way to lead to hate is expectations of someone who technically owes you nothing. Blame your child for wrongs or lack of visits not her.

Don't expect her to have the same relationship with you as she does with her mum.

Don't expect her to do wifework eg sending all the birthday cards, buying all the presents, arranging all the meetups.

And make it clear you like her, if necessary fake it until you make it.

Don't take offence if she does things differently to you. It is not a criticism of you so don't take it that way.

From what I’ve read on mumsnet, you should refrain from breathing ever again 😂

I’ve had a hit and miss relationship with my MIL. Massively improving since having my children. I think my advice would be - to have boundaries but be welcoming. I phoned my MIL sobbing whilst in labour a week ago, I just needed some reassurance. With open arms she listened, reassured and checked in on me. Once baby was born (our second) I knew I could pick up the phone day or night no matter what it was for. I had a huge bereavement, very sudden and one of my parents when I was heavily pregnant. Again, she was the first to offer whatever she could. Be a nice person and you should get the same in return. It wasn’t always this way, but I’m glad she’s the grandmother to my children and our relationship has been mended.

From what I have read on mumsnet

Don't ever EXPECT to be included in anything ever.
Show a good interest but don't ever ask questions or expect to be told anything
Be happy to look after grandchildren at a moments notice but don't actively ask to see grandchildren
Don't expect to see your son on any special occasions

There are loads of others....

MN hatred isn't really true. If you start from there you'll probably fail!

I had one MIL I loved and one I couldn't stand. What were the differences? MIL 1 (bad) MIL 2 (good):

MIL 1; DH could do no wrong, golden child, sun shone from his arse. MIL 2; DH was a human being, with flaws and pluses and she recognised both while loving the bones of him.

MIL 1 wanted me to be her 'daughter' and do lots of things she liked with her. Call her mum and the like. MIL 2 got to know me and we found common ground. Knew I was a DIL, not a daughter.

MIL 1 interfered. MIL 2 told me I was great and not to let DH get away with any nonsense

MIL 1 couldn't understand that because I was better qualified than DH, better educated, harder working, motivated, and more intelligent, that I might want a job and money, not to immediately produce grand babies. MIL 2 loved hearing about my job and never mentioned kids, until I got pregnant and she was over the moon.

MIL 1 bought me a jumper I'd never wear for Christmas, 4 sizes too bog. MIL 2 came to the hospital after DD was born with no present for DD and a crate of my favourite soft drinks. It was worth 200 times as much as any flowers or presents.

MIL 2 was a diamond and I miss her a great deal.

I love my MIL. My mum is also a great MIL to my husband.

Be welcoming. Try not to be over-bearing.
As said by a PP, don't offer 'advice' without being asked, although I think that's mostly relevant to having children. Be generous with hospitality. Make an effort. Be your friendly self, of she is a nice person she will be friendly too. Have realistic expectations.

The very fact that you are asking this question means you will be a great MIL by default.

The awful ones wouldn't dream of asking such a question as they consider it their rightful place to be the centre of their son's universe and therefore by extension her son's wife will naturally put them above all else. They don't need to form a positive relationship with their son's wife as her only function is to create grandchildren who will then be made available to grandma under the exact circumstances that best suit her without any regard to the grandchild's best interests or its parents needs or preferences.

You are not such a person so have no need to worry. The basics are simply to respect this woman as a fully adult human, respect that your son is now a fully grown adult too, and respect that their priorities will be each other and their children. Built on foundations of respect and love, a positive relationship flows naturally and grows stronger and more supportive over the years.

What a thoughtful question, op! I am sure you will be fine. 😊My DH and I have been together 20 years and married for 15. In that time, my relationship with mil has been ok but went down after I had DC.
i would say:

• Assuming your DIL is reasonable, I think the old one, if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
• Avoid being overbearing - my MIL who I do like used to comment on A LOT of things eg our decor choices, eating habits, how we disciplined our children. I was very unhappy about it and she doesn’t do it anymore. 🤞Advice is acceptable or even constructive criticism but tread carefully and depends on your relationship.
• My MIL also used to make passive aggressive comments so definitely avoid this!!!

Best wishes.

My MIL started out as @MrsTerryPratchett MIL 1. It was a bad start.

Over the years we have both mellowed out and she is a lot more like MIL 2.

Some things feel too obvious to say but - make your home somewhere they would actually like to visit. My MIL did not provide a double bed, edible food or a working bathroom. So funnily enough, we prefer to stay at my DM's who provides all of the above and will have baked a cake for her 'favourite SIL' he's her only SIL

I think the fact that you’re asking here means you’re going to be fine! I have two MILs but not been an MIL yet.. we all get along fine as I think we all broadly understand how the others work and try to accommodate. I think the period immediately post grandchildren is the most highly charged and was the closest we came to falling out, simply because I (poss selfishly) wanted help only on my terms and both MILs wanted a lot of access, and to give lots of advice. I would have massively preferred them to ask me what help I wanted/needed. Anyway; children are older now and I feel v differently.

Don't interfere.

Offer to help, but if your DIL says no thanks, accept that.

Don't make a fuss about Mother's Day or Grandparents' Day (when the time comes) or who goes where for Easter or Christmas.

Don’t worry too much - MN chat is naturally skewed to poorer than average relationships.

But I would say

Build a family relationship first - act like you are poised to like her, but not like you are expecting her to be your new best friend. A functional family relationship is important, friendship may or may not come and you can’t force it. It goes without saying don’t expect her to treat you like her mum.

Do accept she is now the most important woman in your son’s life. Aim to be an active part of their family, but have your own busy life. Don’t be an appendage, for your sake and theirs.

Respect her as you’d expect anyone to respect you. Don’t offer unsolicited advice or criticise how she does things.

Don’t expect her to maintain your relationship with your son, that is for him. Don’t expect her to do all the family wife work.

Remember unsolicited advice is often perceived as criticism.

Don't tell her what to do.

Don't try and get your son to side with you, if you disagree with something she does.

MIL 1 might have changed. But she died and we got divorced so no chance. And I was a raving veggie feminist goth and she was an old school WC SAHM so we were never going to get on easily.

Talk about edible food. Her dinners used to make me want to cry. Meat like the Sahara and vegetables like a swamp.

I really like my MIL on the whole but things she does that drive me a bit nuts:

1. Comments on our home ‘You still haven’t changed that hallway light/bathroom tiles/wallpaper’

2. Talks through the children to me ‘You look cold, did Mummy not put a jumper on you?’

3. Thinks DH is the new messiah because he is actively involved in caring for our children ‘You’re so lucky he takes them to school when you’re at work’

To be honest, this is really a DH problem as when my Mum is being annoying I tell her to pipe down but DH is oblivious (he zones out like a teenager when around his parents)

With your description of MIL1 you have literally been the MNer who has the MIL hatred 🤔 whilst saying it doesn't exist IRL!

Yireos and TerryPratchett have it, I think.

Difficult relationships tend to abound when the MIL either has her son on a pedestal, or thinks he ought to have her on a pedestal.

I'd say don't take any notice of Mumsnet and just go with your gut.

And that's not a dig at MN, I really mean it because I've got 3 adult sons and when I've worried about half of the things I've read on here, their girlfriends have looked at me like I've got 2 heads.

If you're basically a good person and in tune with other people's feelings, you won't go far wrong.

But that applies to all relationships.

The point being @Geebray that I adored MIL 2 so it wasn't hatred of mothers-in-law, it was hatred of weird, enmeshed, unhealthy relationship dynamics. Something MIL 2 didn't;t have. Even though her childhood was hellish.

Only give advice if it's asked for. If they ever have children, remember that they are the parents and they may not do things the way you did. Don't interfere with their parenting. Remember that their home is not your home, and just popping in whenever you fancy without prior notice is a fantastic way to ruin your relationship with your daughter-in-law. Do not expect her to think of you as her second mother.

THIS! Plus: don’t be passive aggressive or “subtly” manipulative when it comes to anything. Where they live, what they name their child, etc etc.

My MIL thinks she’s an amazing MIL and that we’re really close (she says it a lot proudly). But she does my head in because of the above. She expects me to do the “wife work” (she WhatsApps me and DH’s group with her to remind him to send cards - she’s actually telling ME!) and she loudly insulted my DS’s baby name when he was born and I was so hormonal that I went with something else. These are two casual examples of how she annoys me constantly.

I would delete your mumsnet account for a start, as everyone here seems to loathe their MIL's
As a 3 time MIL, the only real advice I would have is don't offer advice unless asked and treat them with kindness and respect, just as you would anyone else