Due to be a MiL. What are the do's and don"ts to foster a great relationship.

[MiLbrowniepoints]

My son had just announced his engagement. I have met his fiance twice before in a group family setting, so no one on one time with her. She seems lovely and I'm so happy for them.

They live a distance away due to my sons job but due to move nearer home soon, so I will see a lot more of them(I hope).

I see so many threads on MN of hatred for MiL's so what should I do or not do to forge a great relationship with her.

Absolutely @saraclara

I'd she asking the same question how to be a good dil?

No one on here can advise you as nobody knows her.
It will come down to your personalities and things that happen.

I can only tell you what you shouldn't do based on my own MIL:

• don't treat their home like an extension of yours, you're a guest, behave like it (I've even posted about it in the past)
• do not question their decisions - gently voiced opinions are welcome, criticisms is not (eg: my MIL keeps telling everyone how silly I am for getting myself an electric car)
• do not complain to your son about his wife, they're a team (my MIL used to call my DH and cry about how unkind I've been towards her, because I wouldn't let her overfeed my dog)
• do not imagine your relationship with your DIL developing in any particular way and act all disappointed when it doesn't turn out like you've hoped it would (my MIL had this vision of me becoming the daughter she's never had, us constantly going shopping together and phoning each other every day. I wasn't interested. She made a scene at our wedding.)

I think you should just treat your DIL like you would treat any new acquaintance, don't put any expectations on her, just let your relationship develop naturally. Take her as she is. Treat her like a human being, do not expect too much or too little. Just treat her like a potential friend and be open to change.

so know how it works in the sense that daughters will always turn to their mom's

Not necessarily. It depends on the relationship with their mums.

I was closer to my mil than I have ever been to my own mother. She was kind, helpful, non interfering, undemanding and just a truly lovely person. We were friends for almost 40yrs.

My own mum would help but attaches strings, judges people (including me and my siblings) on social standing and plays favourites. I speak to her reasonably regularly but haven't physically seen her for almost 15yrs.

Ok but if your partner didn’t have any expectations then did it really in any way mattwr ?

Don't demand to see them/new baby/harass her with calls in the run up to a birth.

Don't snatch the baby and refuse to hand him/her back if there's crying. Don't stay in their house if she's just given birth. Do take vouchers/food.

Don't buy massive amounts of clothes or a huge ridiculous teddy/plastic toy.

Don't say 'Well, I've had x amount of dc, so you should do what I say'

Don't demand days out, wait to be invited.

Do talk about her interests.

Don't demand that she calls you regularly-mine did this and it was painful, although I loved her.

Do be positive and pleasant, even if you don't agree with her.

There, have I covered all the mumsnet mil rules?! 😂👍

Just be nice, it isn't difficult!

It's my late MILs birthday today. She died far too young, and I miss her a lot.

She could actually be a bit irritating from time to time, in the way that any family member can, but I loved her so much, because she was unfailing kind. To a fault, actually, because she really loved making people happy.

She was incredibly proud of my career and education. She really valued that about me, and told me and DH that. And she admitted mistakes. After I had my first child, I had my mum up for a week out and when I told her this she was a bit quiet. Then later said, "I'm really sorry, I was jealous, but I'm glad you've got your mum to help you." And I felt that was really honest and big of her to say that, when we were all in a very intense place about a first grandchild.

My only advice would be - don't buy things for them/their house without asking them. Obviously don't mean Xmas presents, but it can feel quite oppressive to be bought stuff you don't want/need all the time, even if it comes from a place of love.

I have a great relationship with my MIL and she treats me as if I was one of her own (to the point I got an equal cash share as every other of her children when her inheritance came through - her actual children had a substantial amount in the bank that didn’t include me but she gave us all a cash amount) things she does that I appreciate

Isnt overbearing
doesn’t tell me how to raise her grandchildren
mine and her sons relationship is our own and doesn’t get involved

I would let her know that you’re there if she ever wanted to reach out to you, but you respect that they are their own people with their own lives and you don’t want to overstep so you’ll hang back but you’re ready if they need you.

I have an excellent relationship with my MIL, better than with my mum! Luckily we have a lot of common interests. She is always interested in my / our lives but not too nosy. She never asked about plans for kids, and since I’ve been pregnant, has not interfered or offered advice - she has sent nice messages saying she hopes I feel ok etc. I’d be led by your daughter in law to some extent and don’t force it.

Suspect this is the start of a lovely relationship. ☺️
Seems you are both interested in bringing a positive contribution to the party. These things only go wrong when one half imposes a while set of beliefs or expectations on the other which are unfair.
Enjoy.

Don’t ring your DIL to ask her about husband’s plans, or remind DIL of up upcoming birthdays for your family members or generally expect your DIL to be the family administrator.

Even more so when she is breastfeeding!

Based largely on the same issues that come up on MN:

Don’t get overly involved in the wedding. Just turn up and stand where you’re told to.

Get involved in their wedding and pay for it too

Offer to babysit when they have a baby

NEVER offer to babysit when they have a baby, this is an insult.

Invite them to yours, never go to theirs

Always go to theirs, never invite them to yours.

Sorry not helpful 😂 but on a serious note I think just be kind, listen to her, take an interest in her life and don’t automatically take your son’s side if there’s issues.

Ah ha…this is the male “finite pot of love” theory

imhe, and at a ripe age of 60 something, I have ONLY ever heard men say “I have to prioritise my wife/family over (insert your name or someone else who is close relative)”.

it is as if they believe that they only have limited love and if someone new comes along they have to remove some love from someone else to be able to love the new person. Maybe it’s a bit like men’s single minded focus (ok, so I know this is a mass stereotyped generalisation) . But seriously, what is with some men that they have to prioritise one person over another and have a pecking order of who needs they need to meet.

I have never heard women talk this way. What I hear is women run ragged trying to meet needs of parents, spouse, children, work, random stranger.s , being carers and generally being “kind” to anyone and everyone. My experience of post menopausal and peri menopausal is most of us during our 50s particularly are stretched to breaking point, juggling constantly, feeling a failure or chronic depressed or anxious. Women, generally, are socialised to accept an infinite bag of needs they need to love and drag around with them, their bags get bigger and heavier with each year that passes.

no wonder married women’s life expectancy is less than single women, and the reverse true for men.

so, yes, men’s “finite bucket of love” is common.

Do not ever ever ever OFFER ADVICE without being ask. Its annoying. My MIL likes to offer advice and think she helping me. But she isnt.

and please dont ever think that because you are more mature than you know it all. You more experienced than her. Please dont do that.

Yes this!!

Do: show her how happy you are that your ds has found her and is building a life with her.
Respect her as a separate functioning adult who has had different experiences from other family members.
Ask her and DS how they want to celebrate Christmas etc. don't assume what your nuclear family has always done will work for them.
Don't: talk about her negatively to other friends and family members. Refer to her and DS as the 'kids' when they are in their late thirties. Hand over boxes of DS's mouldy baby clothes which have been stored in a shed for 35 years and expect dgc to wear them. Ignore her instructions on care for her precious first born. My mIL said to me ' that sids stuff is nonsense, babies sleep best on their fronts'. Did not help my raging anxiety and pnd.

I wanted so badly to have a warm and loving relationship with my MIL. Here are the reasons I no longer make an effort:

-She showed ZERO interest in our wedding plans, perhaps in an attempt not to appear overbearing. I didn't want her opinion or anything. But the lack of interest/enthusiasm came across as indifference and I'll never forget how weird it made me feel on such a big day.

-She praises my husband for all the effort I put into sending her photos of the grandchildren (sometimes she doesn't even respond), planning nice visits for her with fun days out and restaurant bookings etc or arranging flowers for Mother's Day. Before DH met me, he says he rarely called his mother, never took her out to meals and never sent her gifts.

-She offers unsolicited advice or "help" with every aspect of my home life even though I feel I'm managing really well with small children and our house is extremely clean as we have a cleaner in twice a week. These unsolicited offers to "help" feel more like criticism/judgment when our time together is usually so limited. Why offer to clean my already-clean house when we just want you to bond with your grandkids?

-She attributes any career success I have to DH. I once landed a high-profile deal with someone well-known. She told the entire family that DH must have arranged it.

-I get the feeling she only sees me as her son's wife/ mother of her grandkids and nothing more. We never text/call directly and we rarely have a conversation that isn't about DH/grandkids.

I appreciate a lot of this is DH's fault too. He should do a better job at managing his mother's behaviour. But he can't stand her and his solution is to see less of her (I get the blame of course) rather than have a conversation. I've tried so so hard to win her over and have just accepted things will always be this way.

This. Just be yourself. 🙂

So great you asked!

Bear in mind she's coming from a different family with it's own set of norms, so in some ways, it's likely you will over/under/misstep at some point. She may too, if you carry expectations of her behaviour.

Because we can't always anticipate what someone needs, I would try and treat her as you would any person you don't know very well, at the point it's not clear what you'll mean to eachother going forward - get to know her, run things by her and your DP (would you like to do it this way or that way?) and make it easy for them to say no without any fall out.

My MIL always tells me I am doing a great job and my children are amazing. She has a lot of annoying traits but this one habit has made her always welcome in my house.

My MIL never approved of me and made that abundantly clear at every opportunity. She was the most hypocritical church goer I ever had the misfortune to meet.
I have a great relationship with my DIL, we got on very well from the start. I never interfere, am happy to help when needed and asked and I have two wonderful DGCs.
i can’t ask for anything more 😊

When there is a conflict or difference of opinion.

Your future DIL is a grown up and she is marrying your ds, not you. They will be building a life together. The things that upset dils seem to be:

MIL trying to be family queen bee.
MIL assuming she has a right to be in their house.
MIL assuming she has rights over any children or say in how they are raised

Plus all the normal things like rudeness, gossip, manipulation etc.

I think a lot of it is family norms. Some families are closer than others. Have different expectations, so there always needs to be some compromise.

I have a teen ds and it will be hard to accept that someone else will be the most important woman in his life in future. But that's what will make him happy so I'll cope (I hope).