Due to be a MiL. What are the do's and don"ts to foster a great relationship.

[MiLbrowniepoints]

My son had just announced his engagement. I have met his fiance twice before in a group family setting, so no one on one time with her. She seems lovely and I'm so happy for them.

They live a distance away due to my sons job but due to move nearer home soon, so I will see a lot more of them(I hope).

I see so many threads on MN of hatred for MiL's so what should I do or not do to forge a great relationship with her.

@Bigearringsbigsmile

You must have been very lucky with your MIL.

My ex-mil wanted to choose our kitchen and our crockery. She wanted to buy her son's clothes (he was 40). She would arrive at our house without warning, walk into our bedroom at 7am without knocking. If we were invited out to dinner by friends, she would assume she was invited too and throw an enormous tantrum when told it wasn't so, thus wrecking our evening out. She wanted a joint bank account with her son.

Basically she wanted to be his wife. It was disturbing. Not healthy.

She showed ZERO interest in our wedding plans, perhaps in an attempt not to appear overbearing. I didn't want her opinion or anything. But the lack of interest/enthusiasm came across as indifference and I'll never forget how weird it made me feel on such a big day.

And yet only the other day on Mumsnet, there was a MIL who was upset at not being allowed to be involved in any part of her son's wedding, and got loads of posters saying that the couple's wedding was none of her business and that asking how things were going with the plans was intrusive.

The perfect example of how MILs can't win.

Despite there being lots of excellent advice on this thread, my advice would be to step away from MN and ignore it completely when it comes to your DIL. Partly because the nature of the board is that you'll only ever read bad stories on here when IRL lots of us have lovely relationships with our MILs, partly because reading about what everyone finds irritating will make you too defensive and anxious to enjoy an easy natural relationship ("This response says that the MIL wants to come round all the time and keeps loading the dishwasher and making the DIL feel undermined and criticised whereas this one says the MIL is too distant, makes no effort and never helps round the house ")

The main thing I think is that you should avoid thinking of yourself as a MIL and a DIL and instead think of yourselves as two adult women with all the complexity that involves. You are allowed to be yourself. My relationship with my MIL blossomed due to our love of early music, which no one else in the family enjoyed- we'd go to concerts together and became close that way- not something anyone would ever post as a tip because it was specific to us. You're an individual and so is she- I'd approach it with that in mind rather than trying to shoehorn yourself into a "good MIL" mould.

The perfect example of how MILs can't win.

@saraclara each situation is different. Some MILs are overbearing, which makes people like you unsympathetic to the other extreme: MILs who are cold and indifferent. Both can be hurtful. I disagree that MILs can't win. My mother has a wonderful relationship with my paternal grandmother so I know there are great ones out there.

Be respectful of boundaries. That is all! I think it is natural for there to be a reset of routine, priorities and boundaries when your child becomes serious with their life partner. Emotionally prepare for that, and keep a balanced approach, continuing to invite to things but without obligation and keep in touch regularly (but perhaps not too frequently 😉) to enquire about news and stay connected.

think the pp tip on asking for feedback is an interesting and helpful one - eg what would work for you in terms of catching up over the summer? What can we do to help with the house move? If DGC arrive, let them know that you will wait for them to let you know when is best to visit, no worries if it is not in first week, you are so excited for them but know that early days are precious etc.

Not necessarily. I have read countless posts on MN where an obviously well meaning MIL is being judged awfully by a ghastly DIL for doing such awful things as asking what the dc would like for Christmas (she should know apparently), bathing gc after they got soaked through (borderline paedofile behaviour apparently), buying clothes for the gc ( how dare she)

Some people are just crap be they MIL or DIL and no good deed will go unpunished.

Don’t lose your ever-loving mind if and when they have a baby. This is not your child mark 2. It is THEIR child. Be supportive. Follow their lead. Don’t keep saying that’s not how we did it in my day. Don’t cry that you only see your grand baby twice a week and want to see them every day. Don’t demand the baby sleeps over at two weeks old and have a hissy fit when told no. Don’t slam the phone down and disown your son and DIL for not complying with your demands.

I’m not scarred at all.

I read this on MN many years ago. If
you want to be a great MIL Do the following…

‘Keep your mouth shut, your purse open and wear beige ‘

Ha ha!

I'm so glad that I'm only a MIL to sons-in-law.

I think it's a really fine line. What a woman can say to her daughter is different to what a woman can say to her daughter in law. Because the woman brought up/lived with daughter for 2 decades, but woman only met daughter in law when she was an adult.

Often the tensions come when there is a GC. A daughter will parent more in line with how the grandmother parented - because she'll be replicating some of what the grandmother did with her. A daughter in law may parent quite differently, so you have to adjust to that and respect it.

My MIL used to do the all presents come from santa thing. But my mum did the stocking from father christmas and the rest of the presents from whoever was the giver. I naturally went to replicate what my mum had done. My MIL went along with this happily so there were no problems. There are some people who are so overbearing that they'd tell you that you were doing it wrong.

I think it's a really fine line. What a woman can say to her daughter is different to what a woman can say to her daughter in law. Because the woman brought up/lived with daughter for 2 decades, but woman only met daughter in law when she was an adult.

Often the tensions come when there is a GC. A daughter will parent more in line with how the grandmother parented - because she'll be replicating some of what the grandmother did with her. A daughter in law may parent quite differently, so you have to adjust to that and respect it.

My MIL used to do the all presents come from santa thing. But my mum did the stocking from father christmas and the rest of the presents from whoever was the giver. I naturally went to replicate what my mum had done. My MIL went along with this happily so there were no problems. There are some people who are so overbearing that they'd tell you that you were doing it wrong.

I think it's a really fine line. What a woman can say to her daughter is different to what a woman can say to her daughter in law. Because the woman brought up/lived with daughter for 2 decades, but woman only met daughter in law when she was an adult.

Often the tensions come when there is a GC. A daughter will parent more in line with how the grandmother parented - because she'll be replicating some of what the grandmother did with her. A daughter in law may parent quite differently, so you have to adjust to that and respect it.

My MIL used to do the all presents come from santa thing. But my mum did the stocking from father christmas and the rest of the presents from whoever was the giver. I naturally went to replicate what my mum had done. My MIL went along with this happily so there were no problems. There are some people who are so overbearing that they'd tell you that you were doing it wrong.

Why does being family (imagining this being said in an Eastenders way ) mean that you owe some random woman something? You only owe what you would owe another human being. It's usually code for put up with awful treatment from them because they are family.

Your husband’s mother is not “some random woman”.
To hold such a position is a total bizarre and highly anti social attitude.

If you have children, the grandparents, at a baseline, are equally invested in those children, equally genetically connected, and should be treated equally.

Of course there may be practical reasons why that can't always be possible, but mother in-law is not not "some random woman", she's your partner's mother and a blood relative of your child's.

lol I get the first two, but what’s the beige about?

I took it to mean "don't draw attention to yourself, if you have to exist just fade into the wallpaper and don't embarrass us"!

...and definitely don't wear purple!

Oh right- yes that tracks 😭. I Am now thinking about the recent thread where the OP was furious about the perfectly standard wedding guest dress her soon-to-be MIL was planning to wear to her wedding. 😂😭

I think it’s normal to be interested in their life and to ask questions, just ask them with curiosity rather than judgement but don’t ask too much why they do this and that it feels as interrogation.
Remember when it’s her birthday.

Yes but treated equally by whom? No one ever complains that husbands don't treat their in-laws the same way they treat their own parents.

Being treated equally means, in my equal marriage, that I will equally support arrangements my husband makes with his family as those I expect him to support with mine.

Where I think this all falls apart, and gets sexist, is where it is expected that the DIL treats both sides equally. Why would I treat my PIL like my own parents when they are not? Why can't my husband take the lead on that?

You seem to have misunderstood the point of my post. I was addressing the poster who claimed that ones mother in law is just "a random woman".

Your mother in law is not a random woman, and there would be a lot of complaining if a mumsnetter's MIL treated her like some random woman rather than a new member of her extended family

I have understood your post perfectly thank you. I am just making a comment that arises out of it.

So basically what's being said is that the younger woman owes her MIL nothing and her DH should be entirely responsible for his mother.

Meanwhile a MIL who only cares about, shows interest in, and helps her son, while ignoring her DIL, will be described as the MIL from hell.

So the older generation has all the relationship heavy lifting to do with her new family member, while the younger woman just shrugs her shoulders and can ignore this 'random woman' and leave her DH to it?

I am flabbergasted at the sexism here.

Is the husband not part of the younger generation?

Thankfully my marriage is nothing like this.

This is very important.

I only cooked veg until they had a slight bight, which my husband loved
My husband, rather stupidly, suggested that MIL do the same as my veg were splendid! My MIL was of the school of cooking that insisted that veg were rapidly boiled for at least twenty minutes.

My MIL was very upset so I told her that my husband was being kind to me and that he secretly loved the way she cooked her veg.
She felt validated, we ate overcooked veg every now and again .

I loved my MIL. She was a truly amazing MIL, but for her veg.