Due to be a MiL. What are the do's and don"ts to foster a great relationship.

[MiLbrowniepoints]

My son had just announced his engagement. I have met his fiance twice before in a group family setting, so no one on one time with her. She seems lovely and I'm so happy for them.

They live a distance away due to my sons job but due to move nearer home soon, so I will see a lot more of them(I hope).

I see so many threads on MN of hatred for MiL's so what should I do or not do to forge a great relationship with her.

Always treat her and her home with respect.
Accept that from now on she will always come first with your son.
let her lead the pace with how friendly she wants to be.
Never criticise your son in front of her, even in a joke.
Accept that they will do everything different to you.
Be grateful for any kindness she does for you.

i have a fabulous relationship with all my DILs and SiL. I am not perfect, I have made load of mistakes but they are happy to accept me despite my faults.

Well my MIL was pretty loopy, and her relationship with ExDH was a major source of pain, but she was mostly respectful and positive towards me. So be respectful and positive, I suppose! But focus on your relationship with your DS, and don’t expect her to patch up any cracks.

Ah, well I think you need to let go of any hope you can be the ‘mother she never had’! Just because that spot is vacant doesn’t mean it’s available, and she may well be very guarded about maternal roles as a result. Plus, if they have children, you have to realise that she’s the mum now anyway and it’s her turn.

Im very lucky to have an amazing MiL and I really appreciate that she treats me equally to her son, makes an effort with me as I do with her, is supportive and encouraging and importantly for me at the moment is shes an amazing granny who respects our parenting decisions and is gentle in her advice giving haha... Im sure there are things we dont agree on but we dont argue about them, and Im sure I have benefited from plenty of grace on her side 😬🙈

So I guess my advice would just be to be yourself and let her know you're interested in her, hopefully she wants to get to know you too and you can build your own friendship outside of the MiL label 🥰

Don't interfere with their lives constantly don't nag them about spending money that is theirs
Don't be pushy and needy with meet ups all the time when they have a family
Respect their decisions and choices

Don’t let yourself into their house, eat all their food, and go through their drawers and then demand lifts home. That was my MIL, shocker we were not close.

Just be kind, loving and supportive like you would anyone else. Let them know they can ask for help if needed and take an interest in them.

The fact you're even asking this is a great start, you care and you're also aware of her point of view... Big green flag.

My mil rarely asks me anything and when she does rarely listens to the answer.
As such she completely misjudges me all the time and her baseline assumption of my motives is miles away from reality.
I've known her over 20 years and she hardly knows me at all.

So I would suggest you make sure you have genuine dialogue where two people are courteous and listen to each other and consider each others point of view, whether the conversation is about serious or light topics.

I think that covers most potential issues. 🤣🤣

I have a great MIL. Really lovely. She doesn't offer opinions unless we ask her (which we do, because we value her opinion). She is helpful when she comes to stay but not in an obtrusive way. She buys me birthday and Christmas gifts to the same value as what she buys her son, not like some who give their son £100 and then give their DIL a bar of soap or something like that. She's just a nice, lowkey person who is happy to fit in.

Don't get me started on my FIL though, lol!

O yes, and she regularly tells DH that she thinks I'm a great Mum and that I'm doing a really good job. So that's nice.

Praise.

Keep your mouth shut and don't offer unsolicited advice.

Bring casseroles.

Don't push your weight around if/when they have children, telling her what to do, deciding to just turn up.
However op the fact your asking suggests you'll be a wonderful and thought mil 😁

Not mega important in the grand scheme of things but still: please buy half decent xmas and birthday presents.
No funny tea towels, not the cheapest Boots set you can find and the same thing two years in a row. No books on topics SIL doesn’t like or care about.

Don’t assume every Christmas will be spent with you and be offended if not and don’t assume the same for Mother’s Day once they have children.

Show an interest in her life, background, work and interests. My MIL couldn’t remember after years which European country I am from (it’s a very big well known one not Andorra!!).

I think the main thing would be, try not to have expectations from the start. Don’t keep asking about future grandchildren, take an interest in the both of them, but at the same time keep certain boundaries that you won’t let them cross.

Wow I am jealous. I am the one that gets the Boots £5 set, my DH nice presents and a big cheque!

I love my MIL and I’m lucky to have her. We don’t have children yet but she is a great grandmother to her daughter’s child.

The little things I love about my MIL include her taking an interest in me and what I have going on separate to DH e.g sending me a congratulations card when I passed some exams at work. Totally unexpected but very sweet.

She is crafty and offers to make things for us but doesn’t take offence if I say no e.g she crochets and made us some really lovely seasonal decorations but wasn’t upset when I said no to a bag which she had made for SIL which was lovely just not ‘me’.

DH doesn’t drive yet and they live just over an hour away but she doesn’t ever lay it on thick if I say I can’t drive us down for xyz due to work etc.

She offers to help us out and it is ‘no strings attached’. She doesn’t hold it over us if she has helped us with something if that makes sense.

She is a great mum to DH and SIL and treats them both exactly the same which I think generally helps with the whole dynamic.

Brilliant replies here and it’s a great question too.

Will you ask the same question over on Gransnet? - you will get some wise words there also and from another perspective. People who have learned from their mistakes / or not.

I would say don’t be judgemental or opinionated in any of their decisions.

Maintain your independence (avoid becoming needy).

Maybe think back to how your own DM and DMIL behaved towards you when you newly married - what they got right / what you might like to do better.

Don’t forcefully remove any baby from the mothers arms!….
(Is what I want to scream on GN when new grannies are complaining about not being able to hold new babies for hours on end….some seem unable to think back to how they themselves would have felt)

Pls don't be a dragon 🐉 and don't compare her to Meghan Markle 🫣

My MIL takes me on a spa weekend every year, and if I really needed her, I know she would drop everything and help, which she has done. She sometimes calls to chat just to me and ask how I am (independent of her son and grandchildren) and when I was ill, she dropped off flowers and a meal. TBH, I am not sure my own mom would do some of those things. She treats me as a fully functioning adult woman and while we disagree on some things, I know she really actually loves and cares for me.

Dont worry about the stuff you read here. I'm sure you're not going to be going about telling her how to run her household. People with happy families aren't posting about it! I loved my mother in law so much, she was often closer to me than my own mother and took such delight in the children. She said she made some mistakes as a mother herself, and I found her reflections useful and interesting. She sometimes gently suggested that I should work less, because she said it was her own biggest regret. I'm so very sad to have lost her to Alzheimer's.

I have a generally good relationship with my MIL, but there were certain things she used to do that I really struggled with:

• Come to our house when we were away to 'help', somehow she always ended up causing me more work - this was actually dh's fault as he was encouraging her
• Buy more subtle clothing/accessories for me than had been asked for at Christmas/Birthdays (his family do wishlists) along with a comment like 'I know you asked for this dress in neon pink, but I thought the beige would be better' - this has changed over time as she's realised I never have been and never will be elegant or classy
• Expect us to be best friends with my bil and his wife - as they've got it's become more obvious this isn't going to happen

I think we were just different people and it took us a while to settle down, but I genuinely really like my MIL and look forward to seeing her. We aren't close close - I wouldn't call her for a chat and we've only done 1 on 1 things a handful of times - but I enjoy her company and I'm very glad she's the MIL I have.

I think a lot of people have given some really good examples.

The fact you care about being a good mil means you probably already are.

Before I had dc I got on okay with my mil. But since having children it has improved.

My mil is a widow and is quite used to it being her and DH being a team. When we got together I think it changed that dynamic and I think her nose was put out of joint. Mil is still reliant on DH but not to the same extent. I have also learnt to cut her some slack and realise some of this behaviour is down to loneliness.

Since having dc mil has backed off a little and she is a great gm to our children. There have been times she has over stepped when it comes to dc and she has corrected herself and said if it's okay with mummy and daddy, which I have appreciated. She takes the time to do thoughtful things for me and DH with dc, making gifts. She doesn't try to be my mum, but when I ask her opinion she will try to give her opinion and I will do the same if she asks me.

We have an understanding we didn't have before, not that we didn't get along before. We get on well.

Don't comment on her weight. Both my overweight mil and skin y step mil was both obsessed with my appearance. Try not to overly favour one dil over another. Everyone of bils girlfriends and multiple wives have been the dd mil never had. About eight of them she has said this about.

To add to my previous post where I tended to focus on the downside, these are the things I have appreciated about my mil
over 20 years:

• she genuinely loves us!
• she is very hospitable
• she buys me lovely, thoughtful presents for birthday and Christmas.
• she helps when in our home but asks first.
• she is funny and laughs a lot.
• she is chatty and polite with people.
• she has good manners with people we don’t know and has instilled this in DC.
• she does praise me!

I agree entirely - the fact you’re even asking is amazing. Mine is horrible makes lots of nasty comments and has since she first met me. Hugely threatened by me despite me being kind and inclusive since I first met her.

My mother-in-law has said this to me dozens of times. One of the many reasons I have absolutely nothing to do with her.