Due to be a MiL. What are the do's and don"ts to foster a great relationship.

[MiLbrowniepoints]

My son had just announced his engagement. I have met his fiance twice before in a group family setting, so no one on one time with her. She seems lovely and I'm so happy for them.

They live a distance away due to my sons job but due to move nearer home soon, so I will see a lot more of them(I hope).

I see so many threads on MN of hatred for MiL's so what should I do or not do to forge a great relationship with her.

If DIL decides to keep her own name, don't wage a one-woman campaign for the best part of a decade to get her to change it, including telling all family that she has.

Don't keep nagging for grandchildren, or moan how unfair it is that you're the only one of your friends who hasn't got them. You don't know why they haven't had them.

If you're told something in confidence, don't tell everyone and then be surprised when all information is then provided on a need to know basis.

If they have grandchildren, don't snatch a newborn out of DIL's arms. Just don't. Also, don't ask if you can take the newborn for a ten minute walk and then disappear for three hours, not answering your phone, and then on your return have a go at DIL for not packing nappies.

If you manage not to do the above, you'll be grand. Or, if you do, you may find that you're extremely lucky and DIL thinks you're still important to her DH, grits her teeth, gets on with being a fantastic actress and you're mostly none the wiser (just couldn't let the last one go).

Not necessarily- it depends what your relationship with your mother is like.

😭🫣😧 imagine raising a spineless child that would marry someone who would think it ok to behave like this?

Oh yes - ask her after the wedding (not before) what she decided about changing/keeping her name - do not express any opinion/disapproval whatever her decision is, the important thing is to respect and remember it. Write it down and make sure you use her name correctly on all Christmas and birthday cards. Being addressed by an incorrect name by ones MIL is infuriating.

Don’t expect them to give up a higher paid career to be a house wife’s even before kids.
Don’t wish them dead to their face.
Dont try to make it a competition of who knows DH more. (Er I’m always going to win that one)
Dont try and keep your DH bashed into the ground to make him dependent on you. You’ll just drive him away permanently.
Dont tell all your friends and family that you don’t see your DS because evil wife stops you, when you’re the one who ignores him.

It's funny how we are all so different, and I am absolutely not having a go at you or think your perspective is wrong.

My MIL wanted the relationship with me that I think you are imagining, and it infuriated me. No husband is expected to have this relationship with his mother in law, and my mum would never dream of messaging my husband daily, calling him etc. I, in turn, cannot imagine ever expecting any future DIL (my son is only 4!) to deal with me constantly and bypass my son.

I found that expectation very difficult, when I have the same life admin as my husband and don't need extra comms obligations while apparently getting him of the hook, all in the name of it being for her 'like having a daughter'. It struck me as sexist.

It took a lot of firm boundaries but my MIL now know that her relationship with her son and his family is primarily driven by her and my DH, as my husband's relationship is with my family, and it is how I like it.

Absolutely . Couldn't agree more.

Or, for me, my mother in law expecting this of me. Thankfully my husband never has.

I actually think a lot of issues come from MILs trying to treat DILs as if they were their own children

Might seem like you’re being inclusive and trying, but the relationship is very different, my mum can get away with far more than my MIL can because we have a lifetime of history together.

If you’re talking about MNland get used to the idea that you won’t do anything right.

In real life you’ll be just fine and make a fab grandma because you care and because you just are. It’s amazing being a grandma - in real life 😊

I was about to post something similar!

Basically recognise that you won't be able to do right for doing wrong.*

*My mil was the exception to the end. She was amazing, and totally accepting of everyone.
I'm not, so it's lucky that I only had daughters, and my sons in law are completely chill on the whole MIL thing.

Just treat her nicely. If they have DC always ask before you do something. Don't just grab the child and pick them up, ask if you can. Don't get offended if she takes a DGC to see her Mum more often. Ask what she'd like for Xmas and birthday, don't just buy something you'll have no idea if she likes. I always ask with my own DD. I ask if the DGS's can have an ice cream. I don't just get them one. Same with Xmas gifts I ask my DD what she'd like me to get them. Very often it is season ticket to a zoo or aquarium, not more toys. My MiL is really nice to me she always asked before giving DC stuff.

I absolutely adore my mother in law. She takes an interest in me, asks questions about my career and hobbies and even asks after my friends. She remembers things I say and will follow up (things like "last time you mentioned your sister had a job interview, how did it go?").
She buys me thoughtful gifts, they don't have to be expensive, but they're relevant to things I like (a novel she thought I'd enjoy, hand cream as I always get dry hands).
She always gets in food I like when I visit, I don't eat meat and she makes an effort to accommodate that whole saying it's no bother at all.
She's never once asked if we're having children, or when we're having children or anything of the like (this is a huge bug bear amongst my friends who almost all seem to dislike their MILs).
We only see them 3-4 times per year as we don't live close to them, I might feel differently if we saw them all the time.

I agree with this.
If you have a baby 30 years after someone else had theirs , chances are things will be done differently and it's not a personal attack.

Mine is a narcissist, has already cornered me over when we are having a baby (we are having fertility issues). My DH has never even given her my phone number and we are married 6 years.

The very fact that you are asking for advice means you are going to be a great MIL, the very best of luck to you!

Some of these replies are really kind and I do hope we will get closer.

Some PP have mentioned not expecting her to do wife work and that reminded me that my son has always been a bit rubbish with Mother's Day, but this year I got a card with lovely words and a scented candle from him and I just know it was her influence. So very thoughtful.

No penis portions.

Especially if she's pregnant.

You sound lovely already in the fact you're asking on here 🙂
As someone who's 30 years down the line, and had to put up with shit treatment, treat them both like adults, like friends.
Not kids
If they do have kids in the future, don't try to take over, or undermine parenting decisions and you'll be fine.
Just be there for them

100 per cent this
We like spending time with you but FFS back off a bit and don't make it a chore

If you have other sons, don't compare with their gfs / future wives. Mil and sil are both lovely, but it's become very clear that sil is "the daughter mil never had." I've actually seen that in writing. Nothing overt in how she is towards me, but it's very clear that sil (and bil come to that) are more mil's type of people and the feel is that somehow I've pulled dh down (ironic given he'd be in something of a state without me dealing with finances and reminding of bdays, household chores etc)

So yeah, don't compare because if you do end up geling better with one dil than another, it'll be clear and will damage relationships.

Suggest the occasional trip out just you and her but don't expect immediate bonding and don't sulk if she's too busy. Bear in mind that full time workers are busy and time poor, and time in their new family for just them is important, especially when kids come along. And like someone else said, arranging meetups etc is on your son, not your dil's fault. She is not his secretary, it's not up to her to facilitate your relationship.

How do you know all this personal info when you've never spent any time with her? Fair enough if she told you herself but I would avoid gossiping about her behind her back and discourage your son from telling you her private information.

Give no unasked advice.
Remember, your DS is not perfect.
Do NOT ask to be called "Mum" or any variation thereof.
Do NOT keep pestering about arrival of DGC and when they do come, remember you see DGC as and when your DS & DIL decide.

Don't grab her bump and say 'hello fatty!' if she gets pregnant! This happened to me 😂

Did you tell her that ?

this year h didn't remember it was Mothers Day as we're getting divorced so obviously I didn't remind him. When I spoke to her I said I guess we all know who has been reminding him and she said she always knew it was me.

Ah OP you sound very considerate already and I’m sure you will be just fine!

My MIL is a lovely person but our relationship definitely worsened after I got pregnant.

She was just too needy and anxious, texting me every single day asking how I am feeling (I had an absolutely horrible pregnancy and it was just too much!). Had to ask my husband to send her updates in the end.

Also a lot of unsolicited advice on everything and undermining our parenting, especially in front of DC.

Rearranging my kitchen. I overheard her telling her daughter on the phone that it “really needs it”.

I am a very private person and details of my miscarriage were shared by her with people I don’t know.

Comparing my parenting to her daughter’s, niece’s, friend’s children etc.

It was a lot of little things but our relationship has certainly become more distant over time. It is unfortunate but it is what it is. I wish you all the best, OP.