My MIL and I lived a long way apart and that was probably our saving grace! We only saw each other once or twice a year.
what both my PIL did brilliantly, better than my own parents, were being cheerleaders for our DC. The DC could do no wrong in their eyes😉. They spoilt them in some pretty ridiculous ways, but the kids felt loved and special and although they didn’t meet them often, we’re always aware they were in their GPs thoughts. I have lovely memories of my late 70 PIL down on the floor playing hands on with kids when they were bailies/toddlers and me and my husband struggling to get them back up on their feet. you could see their joy at their gc radiating through them
BUT, MIL did have issues imho. She was far too over familiar, wanted to be a substitute mum and treat me like a daughter she never had. Didn’t start well with her bursting into bedroom on my first visit to their house wanting to watch me get dressed. Jeez, it was horrific to me as I wouldn’t have even done that with my own mum. Seriously, she was very gushing but would then turn and get a bit nasty if something didn’t go her way. Often that was with my husband, who had no time for her “ways” and she’d throw a strop and I’d end up as peacemaker between them. I think if we’d lived closer and saw more of them both husband and I would have had issues with them.
so, don’t treat her like a daughter. Don’t expect her to treat you equally in way she treats her own parents. Your relationship with her, any future GC is entirely through your son. If your relationship with him is distant it’ll not get any better with them moving closer, or getting married or having GC. You have to work on your relationship with your ds to solve issues like these. How much you see any GC, and when is down to your son. If you have a close, loving, respectful and happy relationship with your son, then extend that gently to DIL - don’t expect same closeness, but allow her to come into that relationship as she wants to.
as others said, don’t dump the load of domestic minutiae onto her - if you want to see your son, talk to him not her. She’s not responsible for the relationship you have with them, he is. Air any issues with him, not her.
and remember: “there’s nowt so queer as folk”….we forget that through nature and nurture our kids have absorbed part of us and our culture. A “stranger”, no matter how beloved by ds and even you, will never quite “get” or “fit” into that family dynamic in same way. Don’t ever expect this. Be tolerant of her character traits, don’t take the piss, don’t be judgemental. Accept and bite your tongue and mind your manners. But also accept your ds is not perfect either.
strange as it might be….you can always ask your DIL what she finds is working, and not working in your relationship as you go through the years…feedback is very powerful if your willing to accept accountability to adjusting stuff or fixing issues- doesn’t mean you have to accept 100% responsisiblty for the causes, but take accountability to address and resolve. Sometimes we’re too hesitant to actually ask each other what’s working and not working in our relationships- except at work. But it’s incredibly powerful to do that regularly. It allows us to show trust towards each other, share vulnerabilities etc and that does nothing but strengthen bonds.