Due to be a MiL. What are the do's and don"ts to foster a great relationship.

[MiLbrowniepoints]

My son had just announced his engagement. I have met his fiance twice before in a group family setting, so no one on one time with her. She seems lovely and I'm so happy for them.

They live a distance away due to my sons job but due to move nearer home soon, so I will see a lot more of them(I hope).

I see so many threads on MN of hatred for MiL's so what should I do or not do to forge a great relationship with her.

Most important is to understand your DS has his own family, and they may not do things how you think they should be.

Don't expect them to be available to you constantly. And don't cry to emotionally manipulate everyone because your son is doing things his way and isn't a child any more.

Let them live their lives and they will likely be happy to include you in them.

Thanks so much. I will take advice on board.

What I know about her is that she has a very strained relationship with her own mother. She is the eldest of 4 siblings and it seems was a bit of a mother figure to them growing up.

Her dad now lives in the USA and has been married 5 times, and she is not keen on any of her 'step mums'.

Understandably, she has a distrust of parental relationships. Struggle, Therefore, I really want to gain her trust and friendship.

Don't act jealous over her own family. Becoming close takes time. After 20+ years I'm closer to my MIL than my own family.
She offers us an ear and has given us so much support and doesn't cause any dramas so we naturally gravitate to her.
Early days we would push her away because she was a bit meddling and judgemental and hard work but these days she's so chilled out she's a joy to be around.

YYY to this.

And don't go whispering to your son behind her back if there really are things you feel need to be talked about.

Basically, avoid triangular communication, and observe the golden rule.

I'm in the minority here but I have a better relationship with MIL than I do my own mum. I see her more than my husband does 🤣

For me personally, respecting boundaries and unsolicited advice would be the two main focuses.

Don't accuse her of "stealing your little boy away from you" yes, those words were said to me, and no, not at all jokingly.

My mother in law was amazing.
She listened - and never interfered in the children's upbringing or our relationship.
I often asked her for advice. As often as my mother.

Just be kind and don't mess around.

Be trustworthy and reliable. And don't try to get 'trust'. That may come in time but you don't need it.

I was nervous about becoming a MiL, due to things I read on here. Fortunately my DS is married to a lovely, mature, level headed young woman. They are perfect for each other and my DiL
is very keen to foster a good relationship. She frequently asks for my opinion ( I usually offer something in line with what I know they are thinking), tells me how happy she is with DS and is thoughtful and caring. She recently have birth to our first DGS and keeps in contact with daily photos and chats and regular video calls. When we visited first she was resting so that DS could show us the baby, then came in and we all had a little cry, it was so emotional; we were bursting with love for each
other 😂
I keep telling her she is doing a fabulous job; she tells me she couldn’t do it without DS😍

I'm sure it's already been said but my number one piece of advice is to have a relationship with her as a separate human being. Send her texts, call her, ask her genuine questions when you see her and care about the answer. Spend time with her on your own if you can. My MIL literally never texts me or calls me and shows no interest in me. To her I am her sons wife and the mother of her grandchildren. I am nothing more. And it sucks.

Honestly, I think the main thing is to accept and respect that his life now centres around his wife and any family they may have. As long as you don't try and centre yourself, I don't think you can go too wrong.

The only other thing, is making sure that you've progressed your parenting relationship with your son to an adult one. I think when parents try and maintain the parent / child dynamic when their kids are fully grown, nearly always causes issues.

I could have written this!!

Don't interfere. Be hand-off, and even if you don't agree with something, keep your mouth shut.

I presume she has a mom. She will always be closer to her mom and turn to her.

It's the way it works. I've two DiL and one daughter, so know how it works in the sense that daughters will always turn to their mom's

Don’t buy unwanted kids items, like sale items in wrong sizes/seasons.
No comments on her clothes/appearance/what she eats and when/status of house and her job and whether she really needs to work after children etc.

don’t expect her to be social secretary and arrange all visits, meet-ups and restaurants trips going forward.

Treat her as a friend, please don't tell her what to do. Make sure you listen. Value the and care for her. Your son has chose her for a reason. Welcome her with open arms

Treat your daughter in law as you treat your daughter....be fair and honest....I have a great mil who honestly is easier than my mum..

She's a person in her own right, she will have her own ideas neither if you is right.

Don't barge through boundaries, respect her and your sons space.

Don't tell her how to do things, don't re arrange her house, don't sort thru cupboard don't make them feel like shit. Don't be negative

Owes her nothing? They are about to become family. OP is the mother of her soon to be husband and if she has children , OP will be their grandmother.
honestly wth is wrong with women on here?!

Show interest in her for herself rather than as an extension of your son.

I think if you treat your son like a fully functioning adult who can manage his own household chores, social calendar and family responsibilities then you’re in a good place. Most MIL issues seem to come from the dh leaving these to “wife work”.

Don't ask her if she wants you to be a friend or a mum if you're not willing to be whatever she asks.

I think that actually caring about wanting to do it right means you have a head start,I bet you'll be a lovely m.i.l

Definitely don't expect it to be her role to send your side of the family gifts, cards or arrange parties. That is your son's job. If you don't receive a mother's day card, call your son, not her (bitter experience post partum).

Ask her questions about her life, don't only ask her about her children or your son's activities. She is a separate person with achievements and a life. My MIL and FIL cannot accept I earn the same as Dh and contribute equally. Somehow my work is my 'little job' that I do to be stubborn.

Don't remark upon the dust in her house nor run a finger along surfaces and say things like 'goodness you're letting things get away from you, aren't you? Shall I send you the routine I work to?'.....

What lots of people might assume for her is that she wants a mother figure and that might be true but probably not.

I found it uncomfortable when my MIL tried to get too close and foster a mother/daughter relationship. I didn't want that and it made me back away. Not because I didn't like her but I didn't want to call her mum etc.

As others have said, be friendly and welcoming without being too pushy.

That's lovely for you and you're all happy with the relationships you have but it's not necessarily anyone's fault if this isn't what happens.

It's ok to have a bit of distance, not send daily photos and video call.

Honestly, it would make me want to run for the hills but I'm not a bad person or bad DIL.