Partner not waking me up

[Roadtrippingroundgreece]

I struggle to wake up in the mornings. It's partly genetic, I naturally need more sleep than average. I also suffer with disturbed sleep due to sleepwalking and nightmares, struggle to fall asleep, and I have bad tinnitus and hearing loss in one ear so can sleep through alarms.

My partner is the complete opposite falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, sleeps straight through, snores (which also wakes me up), and doesn't find it hard to get up in the morning. Before I met him, he did have a tendency to stay awake even when very tired, and I have encouraged him to go to sleep so that he is rested.

My issue is that there have been a few occasions when I am not awake when I need to be..e.g for work and my partner has let me carry on sleeping “because I look cute” even though we actively discuss the times we both need to be up the night before and set alarms. I don’t expect him to wake up first if he is asleep, but if he is actively awake I have asked him to please wake me if he is awake and not let me carry on sleeping, but he doesn't listen. Today I had a gym class, he was going for a run, we discussed timing and he set his phone alarm (rather than the Alexa which is loud and wakes us both up). Fast forward to this morning, to him waking me up 30 minutes before my gym class where he is showered and left me sleeping again “because I look cute”. He then has toast and coffee and goes on his run (which has been pushed back) and I have missed the gym class. AIBU to be really annoyed? I know that I am an adult and should wake up but it's something I really struggle with, it just honestly seems a bit selfish that he would have plenty of time to get himself ready, eat breakfast etc. and then wake me up 30 minutes before I need to be there because “he finds it hard to wake me up”.

I will caveat by saying that I have a very good, flexible job and I work hard. In my younger days and during education it was a real struggle, but I am not lazy. I also manage all the household finances which is a burden but I am better in that area, I have good savings, am tidy and generally organise our life so I feel like a little bit of support in this area would be appreciated. AIBU???

I was coming on to say you were BU but I think you have answered everything with a lot of grace and tried to explain in a very kind manner even with those were a bit abrupt. Try the different alarms and see if they make a difference.

I used to think that my sleep issues were out of my control. That turned out to be the problem.
The genetic 'early bird' theory has been debunked.

Andrew Huberman has done some excellent podcasts about sleep science. Worth watching. Also look at Tom Bilyeau.

I now go to bed between 9 and 10. Wake up at 6:30 regardless of alarms. You CAN do it, but you have to really want to.

There’s another “morning person” thing here - someone who wakes up in the morning and isn’t dozy might well think 30 mins is plenty to get up and out. For you it’s not (not for me either).

I would soon get very irritated if it was my responsibility to wake a grown adult (who didn’t have a diagnosed serious illness regarding sleep).

How do you (or would you) deal with this if you were alone?

You can't rely on him so set the Alexa

Does he let you down in other areas? He sounds like a selfish prick.

Could you sleep in another room since his snoring keeps you awake? Looking adorable shouldn't bugger up your life.

"rather than the Alexa which is loud and wakes us both up

clearly Alexa would have been the better choice NOT your partner... You are unreasonable!!

You’re an adult. It’s not your partner’s job to make sure you’re awake.

I wouldn't wake you up.. My OH can sleep like that, he's on his own.

People like to have an excuse for stuff I've found. Genetics, ND etc with an air of oh well and shrug of the shoulders but don't tend to help themselves either.

If you know you need a.lot of sleep, then you do things like have late nights. When you say you're slow to wake and then say you can't go to bed early because you need partner to sleep. It all sounds like excuses then.

Going on about slow internal body clocks and genetics is a bit ridiculous. Go to bed early and set an alarm that will wake you up. It means not getting the hump with the person who you've put responsibility on completely for your sleep.... Going to bed AND getting up. No wonder he won't do it. I wouldn't do it either.

Glad you've got a plan.

It's like he sees her as some type of pet or something very weird

Yes he's an annoying partner, but you are an adult set your own alarm.

You need to set your own alarm and stop passing the responsibility of being woken up to others. If you need a louder alarm so be it.

I'm sure that you don't miss important stuff because you don't wake up. Make everyday important and set a routine it will help you more than have a human alarm clock.

You’re an adult! It’s on you to wake up on time.

If his snoring is part of the reason why you can’t sleep then he absolutely should be supporting you better. Tell him it’s couch or he does what he says he’s going to do when you ask him to wake you

This

How can I train myself out of this? Is there a technique?

I think if you are in a committed relationship and one of you has a genuine need then your partner should help. You’re not being lazy or selfish, nor are you expecting your DP to wake you up if he’s asleep. He’s simply not listening to you and I can completely understand how irritating that would be.

I agree. OP and her partner had an agreement. He didn't come through for her, knowing she relied on this fairly small favour from him. Despite all this pre-agreed arrangement, he deliberately failed OP and sabotaged her morning plans.

It's the failed promise part we should be focusing on here. OP had set the bloody Alexa had this agreement not been in place.

Can you rely on him in other ways, OP? Or is there a pattern of unkept promises and lack of support here?

Hearing impaired/ deaf people use pillow alarms, a small pad which you slide into your pilllow and vibrates, may be useful?

https://www.argos.co.uk/product/4971410?istCompanyId=a74d8886-5df9-4baa-b776-166b3bf9111c&istFeedId=30f62ea9-9626-4cac-97c8-9ff3921f8558&istItemId=ixwlpxptt&istBid=t&&cmpid=GS001&_$ja=tsid:59157%7Cacid:898-274-0554%7Ccid:20247586505%7Cagid:%7Ctid:%7Ccrid:%7Cnw:x%7Crnd:7105977471758012414%7Cdvc:m%7Cadp:%7Cmt:%7Cloc:1006482&utm_source=Google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=20247586505&utm_term=4971410&utm_content=shopping&utm_custom1=&utm_custom2=898-274-0554&GPDP=true&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAD9II9l4WaEhJYHQY4x1op7cYvDcU&gclid=Cj0KCQjw5cOwBhCiARIsAJ5njubEVj22DQWi9NqKVb99ml91Nfn92Moy9qTey2WXw0ypCb4jIwT7Mm0aAhFJEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

I'm sure someone has asked but how can snoring wake you but alarms don't?

@Roadtrippingroundgreece just set the Alexa yourself. If you don’t want partner to hear/question you, you can do it through the Alexa app. Alternatively you can set a reminder named ‘gym’ or something (also by asking Alexa or in the app). It does seem odd to leave you sleeping having been asked to wake you, cute or not!

Take responsibility for yourself. Set the Alexa, even if he’s going to set an alarm himself. Don’t rely on others to sort your life out for you. I’m terrible at getting up in the morning. I set an alarm though, and would never put it on my dh to be responsible for me getting up on time.

Not the point of the thread put who has a shower before going running?!?

Also, eating before running so also very odd. Doesn’t he get a stitch?

If you are not hearing an alarm get a vibrating watch or a vibrating alarm under your pillow. Most of us who have hearing loss (moderate to severe bilaterally here) manage perfectly well to adult and get ourselves up on time. Alternatively get yourself to a sleep clinic if you think there's something else going on.

I used to think I needed a lot of sleep (10 hours a night) when actually I can function post kids absolutely fine on 7 hours.