Partner not waking me up

[Roadtrippingroundgreece]

I struggle to wake up in the mornings. It's partly genetic, I naturally need more sleep than average. I also suffer with disturbed sleep due to sleepwalking and nightmares, struggle to fall asleep, and I have bad tinnitus and hearing loss in one ear so can sleep through alarms.

My partner is the complete opposite falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, sleeps straight through, snores (which also wakes me up), and doesn't find it hard to get up in the morning. Before I met him, he did have a tendency to stay awake even when very tired, and I have encouraged him to go to sleep so that he is rested.

My issue is that there have been a few occasions when I am not awake when I need to be..e.g for work and my partner has let me carry on sleeping “because I look cute” even though we actively discuss the times we both need to be up the night before and set alarms. I don’t expect him to wake up first if he is asleep, but if he is actively awake I have asked him to please wake me if he is awake and not let me carry on sleeping, but he doesn't listen. Today I had a gym class, he was going for a run, we discussed timing and he set his phone alarm (rather than the Alexa which is loud and wakes us both up). Fast forward to this morning, to him waking me up 30 minutes before my gym class where he is showered and left me sleeping again “because I look cute”. He then has toast and coffee and goes on his run (which has been pushed back) and I have missed the gym class. AIBU to be really annoyed? I know that I am an adult and should wake up but it's something I really struggle with, it just honestly seems a bit selfish that he would have plenty of time to get himself ready, eat breakfast etc. and then wake me up 30 minutes before I need to be there because “he finds it hard to wake me up”.

I will caveat by saying that I have a very good, flexible job and I work hard. In my younger days and during education it was a real struggle, but I am not lazy. I also manage all the household finances which is a burden but I am better in that area, I have good savings, am tidy and generally organise our life so I feel like a little bit of support in this area would be appreciated. AIBU???

😊

Touché

I think this thread reminded me of the woman who refused to put petrol in her own car and says she felt ‘threatened’ by her husband when he said she’s need to put petrol in her own car herself.

You made a mistake posting on AIBU OP.
Any views expressed on here are not necessarily those of the person that posted them.

As an adult, I personally wouldn’t expect someone else to be responsible for waking me up .
You seem to be taking the role of a child in your relationship.

You know he doesn't wake you as it's a regular thing so you should have set your own alarm, especially seeing you knew his wouldn't wake you. It wound have been good of him to wake you but I imagine he gets annoyed at you not managing to get yourself up all the time.

If you woke 30mins before your class, surely you could have made it with a bit of hurrying??

I would wake someone for work, but a gym class at the weekend?

What if they had changed their mind?

I would imagine your partner has woken up but before 8.30am and not wanted to wake you given your sleep troubles so has moved to the kitchen, started his Saturday morning with breakfast and drink and got comfortable, probably lost track of time or just felt happy doing what he was doing so didn't rush to wake you. In his mind you probably had enough time to get there.

In other words, waking you up in inconvenient to his morning and a chore.

I wouldn't get angry at him, try to see it from his pov, he isn't concierge at all hotel. It's not his duty to wake you up. You should look inward and how you can show up better.

Just to confirm, we set the alarm together. It might sound weird but we agreed a specified time and he set his alarm.

If anyone is interested in an update as he has returned from his outing. The first thing he said was “is the week getting to you now”…in reference to the emotionally shitty week that I've had. I asked him what happened, he said the alarm went off, he turned it off. Chilled for 15 minutes, went to the bathroom and then woke me up when he got out the bathroom which was 40 minutes after agreed time. He said he didn't consider I might want to eat because he doesn't and it wasn't malicious.

Do with that what you will.

Why do you need to be woken by someone else. You are an adult.

The alarm was on his phone. Do you think he should have left it blaring away? Did he stop you from setting your own alarm?

Hmmm, he's unreliable, plus deliberately didn't attempt to wake you until 40 minutes later, knowing you had a gym class. I really would NOT be planning a life and children with this man. He puts himself first, and does not care for your plans, that's not a relationship/team.

I know, my other answers have already addressed this.

See, if I'm reading it correctly, I think he actually sounds quite reasonable here.

You both set the alarm together but you didn't get up when it went off, or when he got out of bed, so he went to the bathroom, realised you still weren't up, and came to wake you so you could get ready and go?

I wouldn't like this. OP, you're supposed to be a team. It is normal for partners to support each other, particularly when dealing with disability. If he has agreed to do something that would support you with your hearing loss and then blithely and repeatedly fails to do it, then he's not pulling as part of a team.

So it's been established that you need to set your own alarm and get more than one.

Also he is not waking you up on purpose. It's ridiculous that he knows you have something to do and lets you sleep because you look cute, I assume he's not really that idiotic and is a grown man.

My DH is similar to you and after a few years of being responsible for waking him (in addition to our 2 DC) I find it incredibly irritating. It feels like having a third child and adds to the mental load in the mornings, particularly when he asks for another 10 minutes and I end up repeatedly having to go up and down the stairs to get him up..

TBH I have stopped and now leave it to him to sort himself out. It’s ridiculous behaviour and I am 100% with your DH. Grow up.

I could not abide another adult expecting me to wake them up when they could simply set an alarm on Alexa themselves.

My DH is a poor sleeper and has difficulty waking up and it used to be my responsibility to wake him - and I hated it, I actually came to dread it because I had to wake him several times and then he got snappy.
I don’t do it anymore and he knows he has to wake himself or miss whatever it is he’s waking up for.

It's been really interesting to hear different views, on both sides. We've had a chat, I think he hears my point of view, but also will be setting my Alexa 100%. We shall see.

He’s going to be setting your Alexa?

It would really annoy me if someone kept throwing up how much of a financial contribution they made haven't you already mentioned that? Apart from waking you up or not does he make any contribution to life because you haven't said only what you do?

Get an Apple Watch or similar that will vibrate on your wrist as an alarm. Own your own solutions

Ah so self diagnosed! Go to bed earlier if needed, you can't just opt out & say genetics!

Clearly I'm missing something, but why not just use Alexa to wake yourself up if you're planning on getting up after him/at a similar time? You said it successfully wakes you up... Seems like an incredibly simple solution to me.

Also... You're an adult. You need to find a system for waking yourself up that doesn't rely on other people. What if he wasn't around any more? What if you were single?

I'm sorry I'm struggling about the financial burden of earning tens of thousands more than him.....do you think he feels that you're annoyed he's not earning your amazingly burdensome salary?