I've caused WW3 at work - vegetarian

[Lazykitten]

I'm veggie. Nearly vegan but once in a blue moon eat cheese so don't refer to myself as that.

We have a team meal booked. In theory it's for us plebs as a thank you for hitting targets. In reality it's to network with the big bosses who comes up to celebrate with us.

Meal is booked in Manchester in the evening at a restaurant renowned for its meat. You don't order a meal, they just come round with sides of beef,lamb, pork etc every 5 minutes and carve at the table. I'm not going to eat this. Nor do I want to sit there surrounded by meat, its been so long since I've ate it the smell turns my stomach a little. Plus it's Manchester not exactly a small town so there was opportunity to book plenty of other nice restaurants. So I've said thank you but no thank you as I wouldn't enjoy it.

Team manager says I'm being ridiculous. That there's a salad bar. And if I don't come I'll need to book the day off as leave.

We've locked horns before as in the summer we had an event at a famous race course - one where there are often fatalities. I said I didn't want to go as I disagree with horse racing, he pushed me into it, so I went and felt awful. I'm not going this year so I'm going to have that battle coming up too.

I'm not a confrontational person so this is really upsetting me. I just wanted to quietly decline but now it's blown up and everyone seems to have an opinion.

Do you think I need to suck it up and go?

Can you join them for a drink before or afterwards, to do the "networking" bit?

No absolutely not OP. I know the kind of place you mean, and being a veggie I’d never go either, it would make me want to vom.
Ask would they all go to a vegan restaurant (and they’ll say no) so it’s ok for you to say no as well.

No they are being ridiculous to the point of bullying. Go to HR. If you didn’t eat non-halal meat and refused a restaurant for this reason they’d be on real dangerous territory refusing to allow you to not attend- why should your personal beliefs be any less important?

Fucking hell I'm an absolute carnivore but if I knew someone in a group was vegetarian I'd find a restaurant that actually catered to them. Are you in a union?

I would say "thanks but no thanks to meal" and if there are pre meal drinks elsewhere go to that. I would not be taking a day's leave - escalate to HR

Please tell me they put this in writing

I think the idea of offering to join them for preliminary drinks is a good one. Veganism - though you are not a vegan - has been judged to be a belief worthy of respect in a democratic society. If they're bringing pork to the table, that might offend anyone who is Jewish or Muslim. The whole thing seems rather ill-thought out. Do you have a union rep, in the event of them trying to force you to take a day's leave? Is there an EDI policy? Stay calm, don't stir the pot and keep records of all interactions.

Surely you can just go to work and do your job? They can't insist you go to a meal instead, that's ridiculous. Definitely go and talk it over with HR. Your boss is being a bully.

I just would decline the meal but not take the day off. It's not such a big deal. I think you are overthinking it. If your manager insists to take a day AL, go via HR.

No union, but a massive cooperate so good HR.

We had I&D training at the start of the year that mentioned work events, that even Christmas parties etc need to be inclusive so I did think of that (in relation to the horse racing). But the meal I wasn't sure about. As TM points out there's still salad bar, sides etc. But it's not really what I would eat, I just wouldn't like being there

No, as a previous poster said, they wouldn't dare insist if you had religious beliefs that prevented you from eating there. This is bullying. If they would refuse to go to a veggie/vegan restaurant, you can refuse to go to a meat slab place!
And why would you need to book off leave? It's in the evening!
If you work evenings then you can just go to work!

I'm veggie, but not militant about it (I'll cook meat for dh now and again) but I absolutely would refuse to go that sort if restaurant and eat from the salad bar.
And I would absolutely not be going to the horse racing either... I find it abhorrent.

I would ring ACAS if HR aren't supportive, if you feel the need for back up, but actually I'd just say no and make it clear that you won't be going!

Yeah I agree, I don’t think you should back out of the whole thing, just make your excuses for the meal, eat somewhere else and join them afterwards- yes even if you have to pay for your own food and even if it is a bit of a hassle. You need to stay the right side of the line between who feels genuinely uncomfortable but is making the effort, and soneone who’s trying to sabotage the whole thing, or in a strop because they are meat-phobic.

Do you work during the day? And this is in the evening?

So why on earth would you need to book a days leave?

It's complete and outright idiocy to choose a venue like that for a work event. Outwith "social" vegetarianism/veganism (which is still an entirely legitimate reason to object), many people will have religious reasons for wanting to eat vegetarian and avoiding certain meats. Also I do eat meat and I don't want to go there, wtf

If the company is very small and there is no functioning leadership or HR then you probably have to decide how high a cost you're prepared to pay for standing your ground on this. But if the company is of any size and has a functioning HR, I would 100% speak to them, pointing out the serious problems and potential liability of this choice of venue and of the way your company is handling it.

Also, join a union to be ready for the next thing.
Good on you refusing to go to the races. Racehorses are ridden far too young, before their skeleton is fully formed with growth plates closed. Regardless of what people say about them being 'treated as kings' they are kept without sufficient turnout, without enough company of other horses, hyped up on energy giving feeds. The stress levels among them are high, and continue after they retire from racing. If they retire - 'wastage' is an issue even before they race. Racehorses, like many other horses, are denied the basic Five Freedoms.

There may be a salad bar but you've still got to sit at the table whilst everyone is having their meat cut in front of you!

Simply decline again and tell your manager you will be going into work so won't be taking leave.

It’s a difficult one, OP. Your manager doesn’t sound like a nice person and sounds a little unkind and controlling. I have never been forced to attend a work meal etc. If they expected the team to go then they should have been more considerate about the choice of restaurant to ensure that it catered for everyone and didn’t make anyone feel uncomfortable. However, the manager’s response puts you in a difficult position especially if you value your job. You could go to HR but I wonder if that’s going to create waves and issues for you down the line. If you really don’t want to go then you could tell them you are going and pretend to be looking forward to it (go a bit over the top so they don’t suspect), then go sick.

Yes I work 9-5. We might leave a bit early for drinks, say 4 ish

Would meeting for drinks then going not look even more like I'm being awkward or making a point? I'm sure TL will see it this way.

As its an evening event ...

do you work evenings or during the day?

Your manager is being ridiculous. You don't need to book a day leave to avoid a dinner. There are plenty of scenarios in which a person couldn't attend a dinner (caring responsibilities, pre booked events, religious reasons etc etc).
It is an evening event and encouraged but it cannot be mandatory. So it really does not matter the reason you don't want to go. All that matters is that you don't want to go and so you won't be going.
That's that.

I would go for drinks and excuse myself at 5, saying that you have other commitments.

It doesn't matter if the other commitments are a night in front of the telly and a cup of tea.

If you work days you can't be forced to take leave for not going to an evening event. They are bullying you!

Legally, being vegetarian is not a protected characteristic link It is a work event so I would say you are obliged to attend during work hours. It's thoughtless though.

Well up to you personally if you were in my team and said I can come for drinks but not dinner, I'd be totally fine with that.
But this manager sounds a bit precious so I'd say just bow out of the whole thing saying sorry I can't make it tonight

I'm a meat lover, and I would like to go to a place like that, however, if there was a vegetarian on my guest list, there's no way on hell we go somewhere like that!!!

Are you veggie by choice or for health reasons? If health reasons then I would say possibly protected characteristic. Currently (afaik) vegetarianism is not protected.