Family drama

[littlemiss85]

4 years ago, my stepchild out of the blue didn't want to see my other half, me, sibs extended family, etc. As things escalated (lawyers etc), tall tales were told by said child (proven reinforced learnt behaviour)to justify refusal to see us.Being in the job I am, I had to inform my employer of some of the content. Also, tall tales were said to school, which DD also attended. Made to feel like criminals, shunned by people, etc. Resulted in no contact for 4 years. In the last 6 months, the other half has been in contact with said child. Via other parent in a half-hearted apology acknowledged that all said 4 years ago was all lies. In the 4 years we were absent, behaviours and accusations escalated. Thus far, we have kept out DCs away from meeting their sib, and I have made it clear that I do not want a relationship with the now teenage child or have them in our home. Arguments had occurred but came to an understanding n things had been OK. However, the other half now wants to invite the child to our home. He's changing our agreed boundaries already, which I feared would happen.
Our marriage went through a rough patch as he suffered and tried to cope with his child refusing to see him. One DC has already gone through being shunned by their older sibling n one no memory as a baby. I'm trying to protect myself, my kids, and my career. Now I'm worried about my marriage again if he pushes for his oldest to be welcomed back into the fold.
AIBU

I'm a step mother myself.

I wouldn't have a child in my house that had told malicious lies about me that could have had very serious consequences. Nor would I expose my kids to her. Especially now she's been 'violent'.

Can't believe people are suggesting OP do otherwise.

but would you want your child in your home at some point if table turned?

Brocolli, you seem to have missed the part that the OP said that the girls own Mum, wanted her out of her house, because of this girls behaviour.

What do you say about that? Her own Mother.

this girl sounds deeply deeply troubled

You mean if my child had told malicious lies and nearly ruined me and my husband, was violent, and above the age of criminal responsibility? Oh and we had younger children to consider? I'd have to think twice, for myself. I'm not sure if I would. And I certainly wouldn't expect my husband, as a step parent, to tolerate that.

it would take more than this for me to abandon my 14 year old child

but if i was a SM… no i would not wish to engage with her or for my children to

I agree, @PrimalOwl10 , something is very wrong. That’s why I think that her Dad should organize some therapy for her. Tbh, this should be his first priority, way before seeing the OP and her siblings again. She needs help.

so i take it you don’t prescribe to remind unconditional love for your children?

because not a chance id be abandoning my 14 year old over this

it’s not like even therapy has been pursued yet

Easy to say when you’re not in OP’s shoes.

The DSD has a home and OP needs to protect her own kids.

No one is being abandoned here.

did you miss my point

the op isn’t the parent. no bloody way would i have unconditional love for a step child!!

It's not about love. It's about protecting other people I love, and myself.

I mean, what would you do if your child murdered someone? Yes you would still love them (I would still love mine), but would you be one of those mothers blindly supporting them no matter what? Refusing to see that your child had behaved monstrously?

I'm not saying this girl is a murderer but her actions are very serious and could have had, or still could have (if she tells more lies) dire consequences.

Where would my younger kids be if I had a child, either biological or step, in my house, and they falsely accused me of sexual assault and I went to prison?

Im approaching this from the DH’s perspective

to be clear

if i was the op… not a bloody chance would i wish to interact with this girl nor my children to

if i was the dh not a chance i wouldnt want to grab this opportunity to rebuild and help my child

I mean, what would you do if your child murdered someone? Yes you would still love them (I would still love mine), but would you be one of those mothers blindly supporting them no matter what? Refusing to see that your child had behaved monstrously?

i would visit i. prison and when released they would have a home with me

But he can’t have his dd in his home. So he needs to accept that or leave.

exactly

or if i was the op id say he needs to meet her away from the home and ensure she has therapy and if no drama after a prolonged time… then tentatively she would be allowed in the home and to see siblings again

That is what she has said..........

and what has the dh said?

The dh wants to start bringing his dd home.

I'm flattered you've copied my vocabulary but originality is more persuasive.

Everyone is entitled to boundaries surely. Not just certain people you happen to agree with. Double standards are unfair.

yes and when she’s said… not now but let’s take things very slowly and see how goes after a prolonged period

hes refusing to?

well it’s dead in the water surely

surely it is already if he’s unwilling to agree to time passing before in your home?

@brocollilover people saying this new taking a massive jump into the unknown. Right now we have a lot to talk about. If he takes the stance that regardless of what I think and feel that she can come to our home then it will be an issue. We aren't there yet.

😂

Just to reca:
November he began having contact again. Has met 5 times since. We had heated discussions them that I didn't want to pursue a relationship bit in time once he had established some.lind if regular contact and was 'behaving' he could gradually introduce our children into the equation. This was all with the understanding that there contact was away from our home.

Now:
He's dropped into convo her having contact with sibs and coming to our for lunch etc.
We haven't had a full discussion about this as I'm to upset and know it'll end up an argument. So he hasn't said x y and z nor have I.