Family drama

[littlemiss85]

4 years ago, my stepchild out of the blue didn't want to see my other half, me, sibs extended family, etc. As things escalated (lawyers etc), tall tales were told by said child (proven reinforced learnt behaviour)to justify refusal to see us.Being in the job I am, I had to inform my employer of some of the content. Also, tall tales were said to school, which DD also attended. Made to feel like criminals, shunned by people, etc. Resulted in no contact for 4 years. In the last 6 months, the other half has been in contact with said child. Via other parent in a half-hearted apology acknowledged that all said 4 years ago was all lies. In the 4 years we were absent, behaviours and accusations escalated. Thus far, we have kept out DCs away from meeting their sib, and I have made it clear that I do not want a relationship with the now teenage child or have them in our home. Arguments had occurred but came to an understanding n things had been OK. However, the other half now wants to invite the child to our home. He's changing our agreed boundaries already, which I feared would happen.
Our marriage went through a rough patch as he suffered and tried to cope with his child refusing to see him. One DC has already gone through being shunned by their older sibling n one no memory as a baby. I'm trying to protect myself, my kids, and my career. Now I'm worried about my marriage again if he pushes for his oldest to be welcomed back into the fold.
AIBU

@Concannon88 we presumed nothing. Our lawyer advised us. Are you a lawyer?

I've got a law degree yes. Your lawyer advised you it wasn't worth pursuing and you ran with that?

It's an incredibly sad situation but the child was 10 and clearly had issues.

Whilst I can understand treading carefully, I would also split with my spouse if they refused to compromise over this - my child would come first every time. I would not tolerate a relationship where my child was not welcome in my home.

My husband did yes. They told us they would take her account into consideration and at her age would not put an order in place if she continied to refused to see him?

I don't know how we have gotten down the route of courts etc. I came on to talk about the current situation i find myself in

Then you would be free to move out.

It is also the OPs home. The OP is putting herself and her children first, her step daughter is not her child. The OP is putting her children first- How can you not see that.

The OP had allegations made against them as a family. The police and SS have been involved with the OPs step child.

The OP is saying that it is too soon at the moment and she is not ready for her Step daughter to be in the house.

The OPs husband can move out if that is what he decides. He should be respecting her boundaries.

Simple.

☝

If its a jointly owned home no I wouldn't.

If its not mine then yes of course.

Boundaries don't work only one way.

Yes caution is required and any changes must be gradual ( aa suggested by the OP). But you absolutely cannot exclude a child permanently for things they said age 10 when clearly suffering from deep rooted mental health issues. It's deplorable and no decent person let alone parent would do that.

The OPs boundaries are one way, at the moment.

But you absolutely cannot exclude a child permanently,- where has the OP said permanently, she has not, but your views are clouded because she is a step mum.

Take care.

My own family is blended so please don't be so ridiculous as to tell me what my own views are.

I didn't say she did say that either. What a bizarre response.

Be very careful
As some said pp
The said child could accuse her dh of something that may stick next time, even after spending thousands of defence solicitors.
Her dh could go to prison , leaving op on her own with the kids.
Worse case , with loss of dh's income potentially homeless.
The child - now 14 needs to be mending a lot of bridges.

Gut feeling ex wife hadn't helped matters. Now she realised she's created a monster- she wants rid.

It's not unreasonable for @littlemiss85 to want this to be a long slow process, her DH has seen his DD about once a month so he's not exactly given lots of time to getting to know her again, how can he expect the Op to say yes fine, bring her home with you. Her DM wasn't bothered about any of the allegations until they effected her DP and now it sounds as if she can't cope, she's happy for her Ex to see the DD now, probably in the hope he'll take her off her hands. In the Op's place I'd be unhappy too knowing it's likely her DH will override her boundaries and just turn up with the girl.

It’s rare but some kids indeed do lie for malicious reasons. Kids can be bullies.

My Grandpa was a teacher and almost lost his job because of a similar thing, luckily one of them broke down and admitted they had been telling lies before it was too late. Soon after the rest of the group admitted too. No punishment for the instigator whatsoever.

I also know of another case where a teenage girl accused her parents ‘to be able to move out into her own flat and be independent’. Didn’t end well for any of them. There was no bad behaviour on the parents side, btw, even social services eventually agreed.

Neither of the cases happened in the UK btw, in case people spot similarities with cases they know of.

So, I can understand your concerns.

Your DH should have a relationship with his child but it could be facilitated so that you’re not left in a vulnerable position. Also, your DH might want to consider if this puts him in a vulnerable position. Perhaps meetings at your MiL house with witnesses? Or in public places?

Arguably the child should be evaluated by a clinical psychologist (not a counsellor or a social worker!) because if it’s true that she has made baseless malicious accusations against people, it’s a worrying sign. The solution depends on the reasons why she’s done this.

Given that his DD is now 14, perhaps turning 15 this year, personally I think it would be a good idea if her Dad spends time with her elsewhere for the next couple of years and organizes therapy for her.

The OP and her children can reach out when she’s 17/18. Once she’s legally an adult, any accusations might be viewed differently.

It was a response to your bizarre post of boundaries are not one way.

You say she accused people of stuff what did she actually accused you're dh or yourself of? Was it SA? If so it's likely she has suffered SA but maybe at the hands of someone else. This was is not 10 year old behaviour. I suspect theres alot of deep rooted issues going on underneath everything. Hollyoaks is currently doing a SA story line where a child wrongly accused her grandad for inappropriate touching when infact he was innocent but her brother was actually abusing her. Does this girl have access to counselling. I think you're dh needs to explore the reasons why and not sweep things under the rug. I can respect you wanting to keep your home and dc protected however you do need to consider how things might be long term.

If he want her in the house then I would take kids out for the day.

I'd say he needs at least a year of sustained weekly contact before I'd even think abut seeing dsd again and certainly not introducing to my own children

@PrimalOwl10 The OP explains what her SD accused them of further up-click “see all” on one of her posts.

so on the basis of one child who has developed in to an adult which very obvious mental health issues

you presume the worst of this child?

As DSD’s mum says DSD is violent, OP should not have to have her in her home or have to leave her home for DSD.

If DH wants that, he should do the grunt work of applying for a divorce and leaving the house or putting the house up for sale.

what are you going to do op? have you decided?

to whom did DSD’s mother mention that she had been violent?

BruFord she had typed that before I finished my post. She also said the step father was in appropriate. I knew a girl who had a very dark childhood turns out a neighbour had groomed her and molestered her. Become within drawn, suicidal made lies up. She ass very damaged. Happy children don't act like this for no reason I suspect there's been something that's happened. Potentially with the step dad.