Family drama

[littlemiss85]

4 years ago, my stepchild out of the blue didn't want to see my other half, me, sibs extended family, etc. As things escalated (lawyers etc), tall tales were told by said child (proven reinforced learnt behaviour)to justify refusal to see us.Being in the job I am, I had to inform my employer of some of the content. Also, tall tales were said to school, which DD also attended. Made to feel like criminals, shunned by people, etc. Resulted in no contact for 4 years. In the last 6 months, the other half has been in contact with said child. Via other parent in a half-hearted apology acknowledged that all said 4 years ago was all lies. In the 4 years we were absent, behaviours and accusations escalated. Thus far, we have kept out DCs away from meeting their sib, and I have made it clear that I do not want a relationship with the now teenage child or have them in our home. Arguments had occurred but came to an understanding n things had been OK. However, the other half now wants to invite the child to our home. He's changing our agreed boundaries already, which I feared would happen.
Our marriage went through a rough patch as he suffered and tried to cope with his child refusing to see him. One DC has already gone through being shunned by their older sibling n one no memory as a baby. I'm trying to protect myself, my kids, and my career. Now I'm worried about my marriage again if he pushes for his oldest to be welcomed back into the fold.
AIBU

@BeaRF75 why tho. Other than she's my husbands child as that's not good enough reason. This isn't a child I didn't know about that's came out the wood work. This is a child who was part of my life for 9 years who almost ruined us. The behaviours continued and came to a head 6 months ago when her own mother wanted her out the house for the sake of her other child's welfare.

So again why should I forgive and forget to appease others?

💯

I was trying to be helpful abd suggest a way forward that didn't involve OP splitting from her DH ( and her children ending up seeing the SC on his access time anyway).

I note now the OP didn'tcask for advice, so I hope she accepts my apologies for overstepping.

@Prydddan no offence taken. My marriage isn't in trouble but I do anticipate it becoming a problem.

No way would I risk her being in the house with you or your children, or even meeting you or them. What if she lies again and the lies stick and that impacts on your relationship with your children, or your ability to work? You have to protect your children - not just from her, but from losing you/you losing your career and means to support them due to her.

So you just gave up? Is she not older than 12 now? Would you do that with your own child?

@brocobrocollilover it wasn't my decision. As I was reminded by many people at the time, I'm not her mum. We spent thousands with the lawyer and got nowhere. Ultimately our lawyer advised him he was fighting a losing battle. Also the financial implications of it all were adding extra pressure

@brocollilover do what to my own child exactly?

Thus child has caused so much trouble I would not want her in my house or around my kids either OP. DH can start taking her out and slowly build up and see how you feel.

Alternatively you and your kids can go out whilst she is there with him. You'd have to ensure she was gone before returning.

I have a feeling your marriage won't survive this.

@brocollilover apologies that was meant for @Concannon88

Read the comment I've quoted. Not go to court because it was going to take 2 years?

Thus child has caused so much trouble I would not want her in my house or around my kids either OP.
thing is, all the dc are the dh's kids. It is both understandable and right that he doesn't give up on any of them. But he does probably need to slow things down a bit and build up his own relationship with her first - and get her some support with her issues asap!

So she made up lies age 10 about her step-mum, step dad, and father. Lies that broke up her step father and mothers relationship. Lies that affected her half sibling at school so quite possibly affected what another child was/not invited to, allowed sleepovers etc. Lies that have impacted her half-sibling so much that where she goes to secondary school is affected. Lies that impacted her step mothers career. She's kept those lies going for 4 YEARS.

She still hasn't openly admitted she lied, apologised, tried to explain etc. But now her behaviour is so concerning to her mother that she wants her to leave TO PROTECT HER OTHER CHILDREN and the OP is expected to just forget and welcome her back. This is the first step to being asked to live with you op. Her mum now wants her out.

I would not be willing to put myself, my career, my children at risk again for a 14yr old who is off the rails with police involved, her mother wanting to protect other children from her.

If your DH wants her to be at his home, he's an idiot. Behind closed doors she could accuse him of sexual a use or worse and he'd have no way to defend himself.

Protect yourself and your family from any more. How can people say she's Changed when she hasn't even apologised or explained. And now her behaviour has escalated.

Your stepdaughter is 14 and now capable of realising her false allegations have had consequences.

Your husband should continue to see her 1-1 for lunch (in open spaces with witnesses around) or on neutral ground (his Mum's/her Grandma's).

Not only is this quality time for her but it protects you and her half-siblings from any future allegations. You do not want to lose your job or have Social Services involvement if she accuses you of assault or your son (if you have one) of sexual abuse.

Is she pushing to see her half-siblings or is your husband wanting some Happy Family denouement? Even worse, is he wanting to share the load? Whilst the latter is understandable in some ways, he needs to be putting the time into their relationship, however long it takes.

Where is she living presently?
Is she still with her Mum or in foster care or with her Gran (your MIL)?
What help did your husband's ex require to get their daughter help?
She's about to embark on her GCSEs so needs stability.
That does not mean rinse-repeat in another household however.

Also I presume the husband is not on the birth certificate ?

What are you talking about.....

You are really reaching at this point.

I'm talking about her saying they changed the daughter's last name to the step-dads. You can't do that without permission from the father if he's on the birth certificate. So not a reach at all.

@concann it wasn't necessarily it was taking 2 years it was that in conjunction with her age. She'd have been 12 and the courts would have asked her what she wanted and based decision on that. So court would have been a waste of time. Had she been younger we would have def pursued it

@Katemax82 this is my worry. That I'll just expect to support my DHs decisions on the matter and any feeling I have been null n void.

@Concannon88 she went as a known as. Legally she still has his name but doesn't use it. Since step dad's departure she now uses mum's maiden name as a known as

You are presuming a lot of things. I've worked in family court for 15 years and if a claim of abuse was mad either would have been investigated further and you'd have had the opportunity to get to the bottom of it. I can never ever understand a parent who gives up so easily.

@TheIcecreamManCometh still at her mums. Like I said indont know the ins and outs of what help she has. Just that there's social work who have put things in place etc

Ok so they didn't actually have her name changed

I completely get the op's position being in this position myself. You need to protect yourself and your dh needs to respect this. Children do tell lies and they know what they are doing mostly. Unless she acknowledges this they cannot move on. Therapy probably was not made available and it doesn't surprise me given the cutback in services. I wish you all the luck x