Head Table Havoc

[TaylorZ]

My DSS is getting married and the conversations have come up about who sits at the head table. There is no issue for my stepson's fiancé as her parents are still together so will naturally be at the head table together. She believes my DH and his ex wife should be on the head table too. Being his biological parents, I would be inclined to agree, except:

• The split between DH and his ex was not amicable, it is still hostile all these years later, so would be very awkward for both.
• DH feels it is a bit disrespectful to me considering we have had majority custody of DSS since he was a little boy.
• DSS mum has also been remarried for a long time, which leaves both her husband and I sitting without our spouses for the majority of the day.

My stepson doesn't seem phased about table arrangements but his wife to be is in Bridezilla mode over minute details.

Is it unreasonable to suggest both DH and I, plus his DM and her husband all sit at the head table? Or should just one couple do it? Personally I don't care if his mum and her DH take the spot if needs be but DSS actually prefers us over his mum and my DH family would see it as an insult all things considered.

@YaMuvva It was half and half upon their separation when DSS was 4 which continued until we ended up with majority custody when DSS was 8. I came on the scene when he was shy of 6.

i don’t blame them, I wouldn’t want to sit next to a manchild/woman child either

OP has said he ‘isn’t phased’. But there is always a tendency to blame the bride/woman for any family stuff.

I think it’s fair to assume of this arrangement wasn’t what the groom wanted he would be capable of making his viewpoint known. Unless this is an abusive relationship, on which OP’s stepson is being coercively controlled.

So easy to make your woman the villain rather than accept this man wants his parents at the top table and not his two step parents (he might not particularly like his step dad, so has decided the fairest way is to exclude both step parents for all we know).

My reading is that this isn't what the groom wants, rather the bride. If that is true, it's wholly for appearances

I don't see it like that. The op has said he's not bothered by it which suggests it is what he wants because if it wasn't he would be bothered.

Yes. It's their child's wedding. They need to get on with it. How self obsessed.

This sort of shit is why I didn’t want to invite anyone to our wedding!

My husbands parents were divorced, mine still happily married. We chose not to have a top table so there were not any choices to be made - his stepfather is amazing. We had a Bride/Groom and parents table. A table of bridesmaids with partners and groomsmen with partners. Everyone was happy.

I'd say it's DSS's decision. He is the one that should be saying if he wants you there rather than his mum, or all four of you, or bio parents but at opposite ends of the table. If he isn't intervening then that says something. If DH is that bothered could he just say to DSS up to you but I'd rather not sit next to your mum, if she could be on the other side or have all four of you he'd be more comfortable. But reiterate it is DSS's decision.

For what it's worth I would never sit two acrimoniously divorced people together, it's a recipe for immense awkwardness!

Also why would you sit groom's parents next to bride rather than groom?

Your husband and his ex wife should grow the fuck up and be civil towards each other for one day so the couple can enjoy their wedding. If the bride and groom want parents sitting together, then that is what should happen.

You should not get involved.

Were YOU awarded custody or are you just saying we as a figure of speech? It makes a difference legally

At my niece's wedding, her divorced parents sat at the top table, not together, but mixed with the best man & other "top tier" guests, the 2nd wife & bf were with the pits with the minions but surrounded by other close family.
The people on the top table were constantly mingling, & only really stayed sat there whilst eating sporadically & for the speeches

Isn't it normally that he would sit next to the bride's mother and she would sit next to the bride's father? Maybe I've been to some odd weddings.

I think as long as they sit you with someone you know or at least someone you like you will be fine.

When my son got married his father, my ex, and I both said don't worry about us we'll sit wherever. My DH, his stepfather, said the same when he was asked. As it turned out we all sat with them at the top table, I think the fact we were all reasonable about it probably made that more likely.

For what it's worth, both my parents and PIL are still happily married and we had no parents on the top table. We had bridesmaids and groomsmen and their partners on the top table and our parents sat with their friends.

It's got to be at least 20 odd years ago since they split, ye gods some people need to grow up. If they can't be civil for the duration of their son's wedding, it's a poor show and I'd judge them both.

Op. I said YABU but after reading your updates, I do understand why the situation might bother you.

It seems miserable to sit parents together in these circumstances. I think it would be more understandable to heve them separated on the top table, as other people have said that is traditional.

But, it seems unfair that the bride's parents are made to feel more comfortable by sitting together at the cost of the groom's parent.

I loved my wedding,but if I could change one thing I wouldn't have had the top table, it does seem like a ridiculous tradition now when families look so different

Just suck it up, it’s not your wedding and whatever you or your husband think doesn’t matter.

Literally no one except your SS and soon to be daughter in law get to have a say in this and if your husband can’t just suck it up for an hour, he’s a pretty crappy dad.

Edited to add - as lots of others have said, the tradition is for brides parent to sit next to grooms parent then the happy couple then brides and grooms other parents to sit next to eachother. So they don’t even have to sit together

Stay out of it. Suggest nothing.

Ive been to 3 weddings in the last couple of years, all with separated parents some were amicable one less so...... however a decision was made by the brides and grooms to have a top table with just the bride and groom and bridesmaids and best man and that worked well

Having them sat together sounds like a bad idea. The bride's parents need to be persuaded to sit apart IMO so the parents are alternated, otherwise everyone else in the room is going to be feeling awkward, wondering if an argument is going to break out. But that's for the bride and groom to figure out. If DSS doesn't want his mum on the top table, he needs to speak up. I think the OP will have a much better time sat on a different table, however, so I'd be inclined to leave them to it. But I do think it's a shame when step parents are seen to be relegated (for want of a better term), even when they have close and long-standing relationships with their DSC.

My DH was awarded custody. Yes saying we as a figure of speech. I wasn't aware that the court would award custody to a step parent? I wasn't married to DH at that time anyway, we didn't get married until a year later so no officially step mum until then.

It sounds shite. Just don't go.

If that's what they want then everyone say that's fine. And all the adults need to grow up and put the bride and groom first.
This is a non issue and it will only become an issue if your husband or you cause problems about it.

Whatever happens, both of his parents will be at the wedding, supporting him.

Making them sit at a table together doesn't increase that support. It just makes two people very uncomfortable for no good reason.

Maybe your dh could say something to your dss? It doesn’t bode well for the marriage if he can’t have what he wants.

It doesn’t bode well for the marriage of the father of the groom can’t have what he wants? Because according the OP the groom has no problem with his biological parents at the top table. The only apparent dissent is coming from OP’s husband.