Head Table Havoc

[TaylorZ]

My DSS is getting married and the conversations have come up about who sits at the head table. There is no issue for my stepson's fiancé as her parents are still together so will naturally be at the head table together. She believes my DH and his ex wife should be on the head table too. Being his biological parents, I would be inclined to agree, except:

• The split between DH and his ex was not amicable, it is still hostile all these years later, so would be very awkward for both.
• DH feels it is a bit disrespectful to me considering we have had majority custody of DSS since he was a little boy.
• DSS mum has also been remarried for a long time, which leaves both her husband and I sitting without our spouses for the majority of the day.

My stepson doesn't seem phased about table arrangements but his wife to be is in Bridezilla mode over minute details.

Is it unreasonable to suggest both DH and I, plus his DM and her husband all sit at the head table? Or should just one couple do it? Personally I don't care if his mum and her DH take the spot if needs be but DSS actually prefers us over his mum and my DH family would see it as an insult all things considered.

This was us. My parents are still married, and DH’s got divorced when he was little. I was worried about the top table but he insisted he wanted his parents both there and emphasised he saw it as them supporting him on his wedding day. His stepmum sat with other family.

I'd sit where the bride wanted me too for one day, however... I think people get way too caught up in how a wedding 'should look' and sort of forget what it's all really about.

I'd much rather my guests be happy and comfortable than for everything to look the right way

Her husband? Why?

OP

How do you actually know the mum has an issue with any of the proposed set up?

It's entirely up to your DSS and his fiance who sits on the top table, if he has completely handed the reins to his fiance and doesn't care if his mum and dad sit at the top table then it's nothing to do with anyone else. Not you or his dad or his mums husband, it's only during the meal and your dh and his ex should absolutely get on for appearances sake if that's what the bride wants.

Because its his daughter who is doing the bridezilla thing.

No, it isn't.

I never quite understand the ‘it’s their day, they can have what they want’ attitude. Yes, choose what flowers, cake, cars and venue you want but to not consider the feelings and comfort of your guests - your family - seems entirely dictatorial and goes against everything a wedding is supposed to be, ‘a happy occasion’. Not bitch slapped and exiled to the end of a high table just to satisfy some weird mafiosa-like instruction that never ever mattered in the years before or will again. Bizarre.

Are pp being obtuse on purpose? Nowhere has op said she wants to sit at the top table. Also that Dil to be has been a bridezilla about certain details as a lot are. I don't know the right thing to do but coming here for advice wasn't a good idea unless an argument was what was wanted. Maybe try chat op you might get some genuine advice rather than arseyness.

The thing is she wont be your DIL she will be your step DIL. You will be her step MIL. His mother is her MIL regardless of you being in his life. When babies arrive parents will be granny,nanny, grandad, whatever the parents ( DIL in reality ) choose. Then you will be legally that child's step granny and probably known as granny Taylor if DIL wishes or just by your first name.with no ' granny' added. Her parents will see the baby first. Most likely his mother will then be invited. Then you. It's how it goes with milestones .It doesn't matter that he lived with you from age 8. The wedding is showing you how it's going to be .You or your husband need to work out how to cope with this with class.

If people at a wedding have petty grievances and behave like children how is that the bride and groom’s fault or problem?

The groom’s parents split up decades ago and for seemingly unjustified reasons ‘hate each other’. This is everything to do with them and not the fault of the bride and groom - so why should the B&G have to pander to unreasonable and selfish people? Isn’t it just easier to suck it up for an hour or so for the sake of the people you love?

If you don't care where you sit, then just accept where you are sitting.

If you are asking this question on behalf of your DH, leave it alone. He's a grown man, and if he's upset enough and wants to wade into this sort of fight, let him. It's his fight, if he chooses to fight it. (I bet he won't, though, as for whatever reason, arguing over seating arrangements is usually something women do. Men might grumble behind the scenes but never actually throw their hat in the ring over it, they just hope we do it)

I'm taking everything you've said at your word, and I assume your DH and his ex really can't stand each other. However, this isn't your fight, and if you make it your fight, you're the one the bride will remember as being the problem. She's just trying to make seating arrangements, and the seating arrangements will last a couple of hours at most.

DSS mum has also been remarried for a long time, which leaves both her husband and I sitting without our spouses for the majority of the day.

Strange. I’ve never encountered a wedding where the majority of the day is spent sat at the meal/wedding breakfast/however you refer to it.

Just sit where you’ve been assigned. It’s the bride and grooms day. Surely you’ll be seated with appropriated family members and not alone. I assume you’ll be sat next to your DH during the ceremony and will be able to sit with him during the night/reception? So I don’t see what the issue is.

Nope you need to sit where your told and NOT cause a drama. Their day their rules. Sure you DH can put on his big boy pants and be civil with ex w for the day as can she.. it is for their son after all and not about any of you lot.

Etiquette books would say that you don't seat married couples next to each other anyway (obviously bride & groom are an exception to this), the thinking being that they'd rather chat to other/new people rather than the face over their own dinner table at home. What else can you have left to say to each other?

Totally. Absolutely the worst thing about Mumsnet is how many people can’t/don’t bother to read the fucking thread before having to add their oh so valuable and irrelevant bollocks comment to it.

christ it’s fucking painful sometimes. Funny how Mumsnet is apparently loads of intelligent grads etc and yet people are so inept at basic reading comprehension.

@TaylorZ totally understand. We went to a wedding last year where this exact situation occurred and it was just horrible. The exes hated each other - the ex-husband (who is a dedicated lifelong Ahole) made it really uncomfortable. His speech was also horrible and made lots of little digs and comments. Half the guests were (figuratively) watching through their fingers and no one ended up having a great time. The head table basically ate in silence and conversation afterwards made it very clear they really regretted their decision to automatically ‘honour’ biological parents just cos…..

It's unlikely the top table could fit everyone so the options would likely be

1. only biological parents
2. only biological mum + step dad
3. only biological dad + you

It's up to your stepson to choose.

I think it is unreasonable for you to make any suggestions and simply show support for them having their parents at the table. If those parents can't manage for one day to put their childs happiness over their own bitterness, then that is a reflection on the pair of them.
I would expect both stepparents to be acknowledged in some way for the roles they have played in raising these children and I do hope that DSS and DDIL realise the importance of that.
Not that either seeks that, I'm sure. I'd say OP that your relationship with you DSS is one that does not NEED those words if you have been the primary carer

I don't like my ex-h and we had quite a hostile relationship for years after he left. But you bet I'd sit with him and enjoy the day we watch OUR child/ren do something so significant. Tbf, we started before any weddings. I invited him and his wife to my home for a couple of significant bdays. He's still a dick but I know it makes my children happy to have that one thing they never usually have. Takes nothing away from his wife because she is always included and acknowledged as someone important to the children. Because she is good and she is kind as many stepparents are 🤷‍♀️

Yes they should sit where asked or simply not go. Your dss has a voice and should be using it. If he wants you at the top table it's for him to say. If they can't have discussions before they get married then their relationship does not bode well for the future. If he dislikes his mum as much as you've said then his fiancee should be aware. It's his wedding as much as hers and he should be piping up. If he's apathetic or simply a wet lettuce then that's down to him.

Why does the bride have more of a say than the groom?

If your DSs wants his full set of parents and step parents at the top table then he needs to be clear and direct about that with his fiancee.

We had one set of divorced parents and were very close together one set of grandparents

We had bride and groom, grooms parents and brides grandparents on top table

Brides parents then sat on opposite sides of the horseshoe shaped tables, in the first seats immediately attached to the top table

would something like that work ?

We couldn't have a top table for these exact reasons. So difficult when parents choices affect the child/children throughout their whole life and still trying to please both sets of parents and both/ all 6 sides of parents wishes!
Let them do whatever they want to and be supportive of their choices, is what I'd recommend

We certainly haven't asserted ourselves as better parents, we haven't needed to.

casually throwing in again how much better than his mother at parenting you are.

your DH appears to be saying you are more worthy of top table spot than his son’s mother. Ie that you should be there and not his mother.

Maybe this wedding is a good opportunity to change ingrained patterns, and start to show your DSS’s mother some respect?

Just stay out of it and do what they want. It's not your wedding so you can't comment. The meal lasts an hour and a half.