Head Table Havoc

[TaylorZ]

My DSS is getting married and the conversations have come up about who sits at the head table. There is no issue for my stepson's fiancé as her parents are still together so will naturally be at the head table together. She believes my DH and his ex wife should be on the head table too. Being his biological parents, I would be inclined to agree, except:

• The split between DH and his ex was not amicable, it is still hostile all these years later, so would be very awkward for both.
• DH feels it is a bit disrespectful to me considering we have had majority custody of DSS since he was a little boy.
• DSS mum has also been remarried for a long time, which leaves both her husband and I sitting without our spouses for the majority of the day.

My stepson doesn't seem phased about table arrangements but his wife to be is in Bridezilla mode over minute details.

Is it unreasonable to suggest both DH and I, plus his DM and her husband all sit at the head table? Or should just one couple do it? Personally I don't care if his mum and her DH take the spot if needs be but DSS actually prefers us over his mum and my DH family would see it as an insult all things considered.

My daughter and her husband had a sweetheart table, just for the two of them at their reception.

You don't care where you sit.

Your husband is capable of sitting through a meal (for a happy event for his child & partner) for 90 minutes.
He doesn't want to.
But he is capable of it.

The problem therefore is as big as you two decide to make it.

He's shit-stirring and should be told to cut it out

This! The father of the groom is winding his wife up to cause a stink because he doesn’t want to sit beside his ex wife. He then gets to stand quietly by when his new wife is labelled the step-monster!

this could easily change OP’s relationship with her step son and his new wife permanently. She will be scape gored by her husband.

OP os doubling down on ex wife is a horror, step son’s bride is a horror, husband and step son are weak men who can’t stand up for themselves. She doesn’t care but she will intervene on behalf of these weak, weak men.

No need for this suggestion.

All that is needed is for OP's DH to stop trying to over-rule the bride and groom (yes, both of them, as groom is reported to be relaxed with the current plan).

Yes, check that he'll be next to MOB not ex; but that's all. When he gets over his FOB-zilla, there isno issue at all for anyone else

Has he thought about the photos issue. When the photographer shouts " Right, parents please" who does your husband think that will mean. He'd better get his head around there being photos of him and exwife together as a matter of course and photos of him and you with bride and groom ONLY if bride and groom have requested that beforehand. .

My DH's parents both died before our wedding so we just had our top table as us and the bridesmaids and groomsmen, my parents sat on table 1 with my aunts and grandparents.
Is that an option?

Edit to say IF the bride and groom are looking for suggestions/ input. Bugger off out of it if not

Honestly. Your dh and his ex need to grow up and be adults for their sons sake. No matter what went on ( obviously assuming no violence) they need to just get past it and look to the future. You are both remarried and happy, the oast is the oast

My DH isn't winding me up to cause a stink. His ex wife is a horror, cliché or not, it is a fact. My future DIL is not a horror, we get along great. I never said I would intervene I was putting the feelers out on here.

I had a similar issue when I got married last year. Dad remarried, Mum now engaged. Not an amicable divorce. I had my biological parents on the top table and both their partners were seated with mum/dad’s family. They coped.
My dad wanted to sit by his wife (I was late teens when they split and so didn’t ever stay over or have mandated visits with him, naturally didn’t spend as much time with him) but it was important to me to have them both there. I explained that to him, and said if he really wanted to sit with his wife that’s fine and he chose to suck it up for the sake of keeping his daughter happy on her wedding day.

If your step son feels strongly about not having his mother on top table then he should speak up. Otherwise it’s a few hours and you’ll be fine.

Oh...yes.. photos will be interesting. Maybe they'll just not bother with the people who can't act like adults for 10 seconds

Are you my husbands horrible stepmother? We had this exact scenario except his stepmum and dad just assumed she would be on the top table! Seeing as his dad cheated on his mum with her… absolutely fucking not. We said she wasn’t and none of them came to the wedding. 2 years since and not spoken to them apart from at his stepbrother’s wedding last year (which his dad funnily enough went to but couldn’t be arsed to come to his own sons!!!) It’s caused a whole load of drama for nothing because she couldn’t just sit with her sons for the bloody meal. Please don’t cause any unnecessary stress for the bride and groom.

Interesting turn of phrase ‘they coped’. What a joyless approach just honour some traditional table etiquette. I’d want everyone to enjoy the day. Not just to grin and bear it separated on random tables.

@BeeDavis Are you my husbands horrible stepmother?

wow.

I remember the morning of my sisters wedding, she wanted our dad to go in the car with her but on the morning of he asked me to ask my sister if he could stay with his wife so she didn't have to get on the bus they'd arranged for everyone without him. It was a 20 minute journey. My sister was in tears on the phone to me the morning of her wedding ffs. PLEASE grow up and stop making other people's weddings about yourselves

Traditionally, even if both are on the Top Table, they wouldn't be beside each other, it would be Groom's Dad sat next to Bride's Mum, Groom's Mum sat next to Bride's Dad. Is that not what the Bride has planned?

The suggestion has been DH and his ex wife on Bride side and her parents on DSS side. I'm assuming because her parents want to sit next to each other.

I think you're getting a ridiculously hard time here. The issue isn't who sits on top table, rather making two people who hate each other sit next to each other for the sake of appearances.

Good luck.

I do think the suggestion of what is tradition should be put forward, it really may not have occurred to any of them that usually the parents don't sit next to their own spouse.

Yes they all had a miserable awful time but I didn’t care because I was bridezilla and got my way 🙄 grow up.

They were absolutely fine, they both smiled and enjoyed their meals. They didn’t even have to speak to one and other because my sister was sat between them. Honestly I’d be more worried if adults couldn’t sit away from their spouses for 2 hours one one occasion (maybe two if my sister ever gets married but she’s sworn it off for now)

I didn’t make them have any formal pictures together though! So you know.. silver linings.

It’s not for the sake appearances though is it? It’s for their son. OP has introduced that ‘for appearances’ but in reality this is what the groom wants. His mum and dad beside him on his big day.

Its so awful that these two adults can’t get their shit together for one day.

as someone has said upstream the photos will also be a nightmare. The father of the groom banging on about his wife being shown respect and given her place. So many sad stories on mumsnet about how the father of the bride or groom makes a whole fuss about the role of their second wife at their child’s wedding.

we did just that when we got married. My mother next to my father in law. Mother in law next to my father and stepdad and stepmum (each married to one of my parents next to each other. when I told stepmum she was sat next to stepdad she said " excellent I like him we will have fun" and they did.

So their relationship has been distant and cordial for several decades and they still hate each other?

What a pair of embarrassing babies

My reading is that this isn't what the groom wants, rather the bride. If that is true, it's wholly for appearances.

What age did you have custody of DSS from OP?