Head Table Havoc

[TaylorZ]

My DSS is getting married and the conversations have come up about who sits at the head table. There is no issue for my stepson's fiancé as her parents are still together so will naturally be at the head table together. She believes my DH and his ex wife should be on the head table too. Being his biological parents, I would be inclined to agree, except:

• The split between DH and his ex was not amicable, it is still hostile all these years later, so would be very awkward for both.
• DH feels it is a bit disrespectful to me considering we have had majority custody of DSS since he was a little boy.
• DSS mum has also been remarried for a long time, which leaves both her husband and I sitting without our spouses for the majority of the day.

My stepson doesn't seem phased about table arrangements but his wife to be is in Bridezilla mode over minute details.

Is it unreasonable to suggest both DH and I, plus his DM and her husband all sit at the head table? Or should just one couple do it? Personally I don't care if his mum and her DH take the spot if needs be but DSS actually prefers us over his mum and my DH family would see it as an insult all things considered.

I thought this was going to be a TAAT about the woman who felt unwell at a wedding and put her head on the table.

The relevance of this is that my DSS doesn't particularly like his mum

But he’s not arsed. Why should bridzilla step in and make a fuss about his mum not being there when he is “not phased”?

It's because they are his mum and dad. If he's happy with it so be it. Have YOU had full custody of him? Or just his dad. And even so big wow loads of mums have almost full custody.

I hate top tables. Every time I’ve been sat on one I’ve watched longingly at everyone else having a great time! BUT, I think you have to just go with what she says, assuming they will be moved up with the bride’s parents in the traditional way.

Why isn’t the OP responding about the many many posts saying they won’t need to sit together even if it is just 2 of them at the top table?

It’s just where you sit for a meal. Honestly. Who could get worked up about it. Your husband doesn’t have to snog his ex wife, just eat something sitting next to/near to her.

I never understand why couples care that they’re sitting apart for a bit. Again, it’s a meal.

Whatever the horrific back story, just go along with what the bride and groom would like on the day. It’s a meal!

IT’S A MEAL!!

Yes I think this is about the ONLY acceptable request that dad can make in this case. To ask that it be the traditional set up where he sits with the brides mum and the ex sit with her dad.

They need to grow up my dss parents have been separated for a long time and have very difficult relationship but managed to sit together at the top table for his wedding because they are both adults and not 5 year olds! I sat with BiL Family and and our dc at another table

Top Tables are an outdated nightmare in this day and age of split and blended families, and parents no longer typically 'hosting' their child's weddings.

I've been married twice and didn't have one either time. A sweetheart table for 2 the first time, and picnic style long benches with seats down each side at the second.

That all said, if the couple want one and haven't managed to figure out on their own that it'll be awkward for their guests, you can't really suggest anything.

When DSS was smaller of course they had to communicate regarding school, Drs appointments etc, usually via email or text and it was almost always laced with hostility on her part. Handovers were pick ups from the respective houses, so a knock on the door and DSS would come out.

I haven't suggested my stepson doesn't want his mother in his life, he just doesn't like her very much.

I don't need to adjust my view, I see how he speaks about her and it is not good.

Normally partners or parents don’t sit together on the top table.

We had something like my dad next to me then my MIL and DH had my mum and his dad. We also had both adult bridesmaids at either end. They could have something like this or whatever they choose.

For everyone else we did a table plan it was a nightmare. But thankfully everyone sat where they were told.

Is it because the real problem is that OP's not on the top table, but saying it's because the grooms parents can't sit next to each other seems more reasonable?

I've also been a bridesmaid twice, once as a little girl, and both times I sat next to the father of the groom. The first time I was looked after by my grandparents who were sat somewhere nearby and the second time I had a fascinating conversation with the father of the groom.

I would hope they could both act like adults for a couple of hours at their son's wedding! They don't have to act like best buddies, just be polite to each other 🤷‍♀️ it's only sitting together for the meal and speeches, not all day!

I know right! At one point they had sex so you'd think they'd be able to be civil

You mean shes organising her wedding and wants to get the details correct? Potentially being left to do the bulk of it by the sounds of things whilst her groom to be cant even sort his parents out, who are acting like children

But sure go with a mysoginistic term why not?

I REPEAT I don't give 2 shiny shits where I sit.

The suggestion has been that DH and his ex wife sit next to one another on Bride side and her parents next to one another on DSS side.

DSS mum has also been remarried for a long time, which leaves both her husband and I sitting without our spouses for the majority of the day. then what's all this about? Concern for your husband's ex's husband??

Your DSS's parents should be ashamed of themselves.

Your Soon to be DIL should be wary of how much she trusts your opinion of her.

I'm remarried as is my ex. When my daughter got married my ex and I sat at the top table with my other daughter (who was MoH) between us. My husband and my ex's wife sat with our respective families. We managed to make polite conversation and get along well enough for the duration of the meal. It was the least we could do for our daughter's special day

At some top tables the parents are mixed so mother of the bride sits next to the father of the groom and father of the bride sits next to the mother of the groom - if that would help ease tensions at all?

Traditionally the brides mother and grooms father sit together. Bride and groom in middle. Then brides father and grooms mother sit together on other side. New spouses sit on table 1 with sister/ brothers / bridesmaids. That's what husband 1 and I did. Worked well. No need for divorced people to be anywhere near each other.

No. Just another detail I thought would be relevant rather than drip feeding.

That's alright then, if you don't care there's no point worrying about it

OP, what happens if you sit without your spouse for “the majority of the day”? Serious question. Will something catastrophic happen? I assume you can sit together for the actual wedding?