AIBU to feel disheartened by the lack of support and the presence of a crab bucket mentality among some women on here?

[NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting]

Is it unreasonable for me to feel disheartened by the lack of support and the presence of a crab bucket mentality among some women on here?

When I first joined Mumsnet, I hoped to find a community where mothers and women could uplift and support each other on a variety of topics, especially those concerning parenting, finances, and the cost of living. However, I've noticed a trend where instead of offering encouragement, there's no support and a race to the bottom mentality.

Shouldn't this space be about rallying together to support everyone in the UK? We should be annoyed at the government for creating the cost of living issues and we should push for them to make things better for future generations.

Recently, I read discussions on the cost of living, where some individuals seemed unable to empathise with those facing financial struggles. Some suggested that just because they did it that it shouldn’t be a problem for those on above average salaries and it is simply a “choice”. Even suggestions of just “relocating to cheaper areas” without considering the complexities of individual circumstances, simply because they did it several years ago. It's disheartening to see dismissive attitudes towards those who are genuinely struggling, whether they're living on a tight budget or facing high living costs in the South due to personal ties.

If we, as women, continue to tear each other down rather than lifting each other up, how can we ever hope to bring about positive change? Let's try to foster a culture of support and understanding.

I feel this with the cost of living posts. I have sympathy that life is more difficult but it's really hard to empathise with someone who can no longer put their child in all the normal clubs or have the same standard of living- when for a lot of people it's a struggle to buy food or have any kind of quality of life at the moment.
I do think some people are overly harsh though.

This thread proves your point 😂

Theres a lot of bitter and angry posters nowadays who love to bite OPs head off, be condescending and make OP feel like shit. When I read older threads I can see it’s definitely got worse in recent years.

I have never understood why if people find an internet forum so disagreeable they continue to read and post.
Other fora are available.

It’s the woman blaming and the excusing of men’s poor behaviour that saddens me. I rather suspect Freud was right about women and sons.

But whether we like it or not, there is a huge wealth divide, and a person living in a £1m property in the SE with a 6 figure income, with DC in private school and a significant inheritance to look forward to has very little in common in the CoL crisis with a person on a 6 month tenancy on minimum wage with parents who don't have two h'appence with which to help or bequeath them. They might both be shocked at the cost of a weekly shop, but the first has options and a security blanket the second can only dream of. The second person knows this, and knows that if they had those things too, they would be just fine. Hence they give advice that may appear unsympathetic. Its all very well wanting one big cosy sisterhood of support, where we're all in it together, but we're simply not, and that's actually something many should be relieved about, not bemoan or deny.

Absolutely no need for he biological women comment here. I'm not getting into an debate about trans issues as I genuinely see both sides of the argument and am unsure where exactly I fall. However jumping at the chance to shoe horn it in everywhere is just unnecessary.

I thought this was going to be a thread about Wells-Next-The-Sea. We have crab buckets.

I think the issue is the bizzare/mundaneness/pointless threads to be honest.

I posted recently about a medical issue & recieved genuine help & support within minutes
But ive also posted admitadly dismissive/obvious messages on pointless threads > so & so does this... with a follow up of 'cant possibly change/already tried everything'. Sort of thing not to mention the threads that get so many praising posts that instead of thanking anyone publicaly the OP simply garners enough self-'respect' & popularity to instead call out anybody who disagrees or sees it from another perspective

(Also can't be arsed with chronic spell-checkers on here).

I'm sorry OP, but everything is so shit in this selfish, entitled country at the moment that I haven't got much patience for high earners who have to now choose between their Ski holiday and winter cruise, in addition to their expensive summer break.

We had a ridiculous post on here from a single woman - no kids or partner - who was complaining that the they couldn't afford ' life' on £50k p.a.

Do you know how insulting that is to mums and families that are really struggling? a family of four or five on that income struggling on that income or less ?

It's hardly surprising that there are so many harsh replies when there are so many tone death threads on here.

Why is it 'insulting' for someone else to have a different set of problems to you?

In parts of the country living alone on £50k is now difficult. That's the reality - those people should also be able to discuss their problems.

The majority of people aren’t complaining about choosing between holidays, they are genuinely can’t afford their essential bills, let alone holidays, when they are writing posts on here.

Yes, they might be on an above average wage but everyone seems to just expect up sticks and move to the other end of the country, even if they have children in schools and all their family or jobs are in the same area. Life doesn’t work like that, so why do we need to put these people down and jump on their anxiety?

I agree to some extent - but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to suggest that people could consider other options/approaches.

eg if I read someone saying they’re struggling to pay for private school I’d rather reassure them that there must be a decent school somewhere in their area. If they don’t pay, their DC will have to leave - so they need to get their heads round that and start looking at state schools. There might be people in their area who know those schools well who can offer informed advice.

Similarly with relationships. There are many awful posts where the writers really need to engage with some tough advice in their own best interests - or their children’s. They need to understand how bad a situation they are in. I’m sure that’s not easy to read but it’s better than not challenging her assumption that he might treat her better if she does x, which is what some OPs seem to be expecting.

Also, you are prime example of who I’m talking about!

Maybe, just maybe, you could have compassion and helpful advice or word your thoughts a bit kinder when people is now ending up in a similar situation?

OP's idealism reads like a GCSE Citizenship project.

I think its unreasonable to assume that everyone has the same outlook, opinions and ideologies, if we did that would be a rather small-minded and inauthentic forum. If you are referring to people attacking each other on website/social media platforms, that isn't a female on female issue, its an internet issue. I'm not saying that we shouldn't be supportive, informative, honest and nurturing, those are lovely traits in any person/voice/forum, but would imagine MN feels like much of British society - quite polarised.

Mumsent is a huge and diverse forum that attracts people from all walks of life, it isn’t a place where only lower earners are allowed the floor.

It isn’t tone deaf for posters to make threads about the struggles in their life (whether you think they’re struggling or not). It’s ’tone deaf’ to go into someone else’s thread and try to make it about you/ what you think they should be posting about.

We all have the option to not engage in threads we don’t like/can’t relate to/find offensive. We don’t get to demand that others not post things we don’t personally approve of. If you click on something that you know is going to wind you up (and the title usually gives you a good idea as to what a thread is about), and choose to engage with it then your frustration and hurt sensibilities are your own fault.

Shouldn't this space be about rallying together to support everyone in the UK?

It's an international forum.

I 100% did. They were walking past me and I heard it. I was gobsmacked. He always has a face like a smacked arse though.

Alright nitpicky, I’ve never come across many international posts, so assumed this was a mainly UK dominate site! Geeez, join up with those who love pointing out spelling mistakes.

As if mentioning that is the same as calling out spelling. But OK.

I came here for verruca tips.

Stayed for the acronyms.

This is the literal definition of crabs in a bucket. MN is full of them.

I just post my honest opinion.

If someone posts something like "AIBU letting my 2 year old play with matches which I pop out to the shops". I'm not going to be supportive. I am going to call it out as dangerous,neglect etc. Same with were I think someone is in a toxic relationship etc.

I don't ever deliberately attack someone but I will post what I honestly think.

I don't post here to get a chorus of people backing me up. That wouldn't be helpful. I post to get an opinion and varying perspectives. People see thinks differently and different opinions give you more tothink about. Especially if I think A is best and a lot of people saying B.

I think support is offered when support is due.
Harsh, snarky and sometimes bloody hysterical comments are often offered also when due.
Not everyone is on here for a handhold. Some of us are hear because mum-life is blooming hard and we are cross, fed up and need a bit of escapism and a giggle...

Well that wasn't a supportive reply to a genuinely helpful post was it?