To not send my child to nursery at all?

[Nilin]

Our childcare is currently covered by DH and I both working part time, plus grandparents.
We had intended to send our DC to nursery in January 2025, at age 3, for 2-3 days a week.
We have been trying since January to find her a nursery place thinking a year's notice would be enough- we were very wrong!
A lot of nurseries reported no places until 2026, only taking full-time, etc etc.
There are about 8 nurseries within a 30 minute walking distance and they are all a no, so had to widen search to one we could drive to.
We have had just one offer us a viewing- it's hard though as obviously I feel obliged to take it as we don't have another choice! It's going to be really awkward though when we work from home and commute by public transport when we do go in, to then get her in the car to get to nursery to then drive home and then head into work.
I did want DC to be able to socialise and make friends, but I'm now wondering if there would be any harm in just continuing our current arrangement until she goes to school? We go on lots of days out but we don't really meet up with children the same age. I could make more of an effort to attend a local playgroup regularly though so she is seeing the same people. I'm just keen to do right by her really.

We go on lots of days out but we don't really meet up with children the same age

This is key to me. I would go to playgroup regularly if you're planning on sending her to school or it's going to be a massive shock.

Have you looked at childminders?

Have you looked at pre school as well as nurseries? But I think if it works then why change it! My boys love nursery, but we have a friend who's little girl doesn't go for allergy reasons and that is little girl is leaps and bounds ahead of my two in everything so I don't think nurseries are the most important thing for child development!

Very overrated and not necessary imo. It is not the norm in many countries. I put my 3 yo in nursery due to peer/social pressure and then regretted it. Ended up pulling him out. He was fine once school started.

I would personally put the effort in but only for 2 days a week to make it easier. My daughter has benefitted SO much from socialising with peers by herself. Her play came on leaps and bounds and she's learned about making friends and listening to teachers, getting used to things before school etc. At 3 they gradually start to play more and more with others.

It's different from attending a playgroup as she knows you're there she may just stick by your side. Often at those groups children are much younger too or there's set activities so not much time for completely independent imaginative play. They are great I'm not knocking them but they aren't going to give your child what a preschool setting will.

Obviously do what you feel it best but I honestly believe that it's really worthwhile.

You mention nurseries but (sorry if you already have) have you searched preschools? They often run school hours term time but mine runs in a little church, so maybe something nearer?

Although the waiting lists are long, things often change - people move, choose not to take up the place etc. Could you put her on the list for one or two of your preferred nurseries and just see what happens? If you're happy to potentially not send her, then you could carry on as you are and if you get offered a place sooner (which often happens) make a decision then?

Have you looked at school based nurseries?

Unfortunately my experience was once the free hours started at 3yo, there was none in playgroups. Only in the organised stuff like music groups.

Thanks, I haven't really seen the point of a childminder as they might not even have children a similar age. I contacted a couple who reported no availability anyway.

She needs to socialise with other children, it’s really important. Nursery/pre school isn’t a necessity but if you’re not going to send her then you need to make the effort to go to groups with her and arrange play dates with children her own age.

it is good for dc to go to nursery, mix with other children, accept other adults, socialise etc.,

That's reassuring thanks 😂

There isn't really such a thing as a preschool near us. Theres only one primary school nursery and similarly not a chance really- would have to try for a place for her at in the year before school so September 2025, and they've already said they prioritise full time so unlikely to get a place.

Fair enough.

An ofsted certified early years setting will follow a curriculum which will prep your child for school. So if you're not going to send your child then personally I'd make sure you're looking into how to do some of this at home. Can your child write their name? Identify numbers and letters, that sort of thing but there's far more too it than that.

When my DD started school it was quite clear which children hadn't been to preschool or nursery. Really struggled with going in as they'd had no transition, weren't used to listening to teachers as part of a big group, lacked some collaborative play skills. I think if choosing not to use nursery or preschool then regular playgroups are important, for their sake when starting school. Going from nothing to 5 days a week in a totally new situation is such a big ask.

They won't even take my details- most more or less laughed down the phone, a couple sniped at me as if I was being ridiculous.

Can your child write their name? Identify numbers and letters, that sort of thing but there's far more too it than that.

Our school really weren't bothered by this as they said this was their role and instead focused on functioning fairly independently when starting school. Recognising their name on a peg, doing their own coat up, using the toilet on their own, being able to get their shoes on the right feet, opening packets in their lunch box. Basic things but things that mean they don't need help all the time. A primary school TA friend was telling me they went through a stage of children starting school able to recognise numbers and do very basic math, but weren't toilet trained.

Honestly OP you are saving yourself a massive headache by not having to deal with all the nursery illnesses. It's totally fine - loads of people never went to nursery. You could look at a dance class and a swimming class when she's 4 to get her used to the idea before school starts

My dd is 3.5 and will be going to school in September. As she’s a summer baby and was a covid baby I’ve been very focused on making sure she is ready for school. Nursery have said the main things they do for readiness is kids being able to do circle/mat time with a group of children listening and joining in with the activities, basic phonics, writing their name and pen readiness, counting and recognising numbers and letters and writing them, socialising with others joining in games and imaginative play with other children and knowing how to behave around others and taking turns. If no nursery then make sure you focus on those things so she has a smooth transition to school and isn’t behind.

Even though my DS went to nursery from 6 months old and I have no regrets, I'm not fully sure I believe in the 'so important to socialise' narrative at that age, tbh.

Its never really occured to me that children could start school having done no nursery at all, though. In my limited experience children have either been to private (childcare) nursery since very young, or pre-school for the year leading up to school starting. Even those with SAHPs do the pre-school bit and we are only in an average town but there is plenty of provision. I didn't realise there are places without pre-school options tbh!

Since her nursery year start date is September 2025, I would apply for three days at the school nursery for then. Spaces will be freed up by a cohort moving up to reception. Do it in plenty of time. As you said, you still may not get it. An alternative is to apply for a full time place and only send her mornings or 2/3 days while she adjusts- even if it's the whole year.

Playgroups or activity groups (dancing/football etc) are good for this age before nursery or school. They begin to teach children to join in with a group activity, hone listening skills and co-operation. Socially it's good for them to learn to talk and listen to peers. To play together, negotiate and manage their emotions when someone else is unreasonable. It's not about learning numbers and letters as someone mentioned, but more the skills of listening and engaging with teaching and learning.

IMO nursery (pre-school year) is not essential. It is best done in a school based or specific pre-school nursery. And is hard to replicate at home without effort and an awareness of the EYFS curriculum.

Which school do you want her to attend? Do they have a nursery attached? School nursery you usually apply in the year before so you should be ok.

If you go on your local authority childcare local offer (ours is called families information service) it lists every nursery, preschool, childminder in your area to see if you have missed any.

The key things are socialisation and independence. How do you feel she is with these things? Can she get her own coat/ follow simple instructions? Does she play well with others?

If you are not going to do nursery then I would look for a local playgroup or start accessing groups at your nearest children's centre to get her spending time with other children.

I think a lot depends on what the rest of your home set up looks like to be honest!

We had family look after DS until he was 3 which was fantastic and obviously saved us a fortune. Family came to our house to look after him. Like you, no meet ups with similar aged children. Although we did attend various toddler groups regularly.

DS started nursery in January after turning 3 and struggled SO much with separation anxiety. When we’d left him previously to go to work he’d been looked after in our house so being in a new environment with new adults and lots of children was just a step too far for him. It was horrendous. Physically getting him in the door could take 1 hour + and then I’d have no idea how long he’d manage to stay. I ended up having to take almost a month off work unpaid to get him settled in as nursery decided the best route was short repeated exposure was the way to go with settling. We’re now in April and only just coming out the other side of it.

I had toyed with the idea of not sending him to nursery at all because he loved being with family but honestly, I’m annoyed with myself for not starting him at nursery younger. Maybe the separation anxiety wouldn’t have been so bad.

Or delaying the headache and will have to deal with lots of school illness

It's not an either or situation though is it. Toilet training should be a given

You know most schools aren't to bothered if children haven't done these things. They are more concerned with.

Can your child go to the tolite independently, can they dress and undressed themselves are they able to put on their own shoes and coat. Are they happy spending time away from you.

It's great to do letters and numbers with them and recongnising their own name would be an advantage to. But schools will actually teach them. It's much harder if they have a class full of students who can't do things independently as then the teacher has to spend time trying to help them with that rather then teaching.

I wouldn't worry about private nursery daycares.

I do think it helps if a child has experienced being left regularly with different (non family) adults regularly.

I'm amazed there are no preschools? These tend to run in church halls etc and would be ideal for you as they are typically 9-3 which is better for young children than long days. Search for montessori schools as well which in uk are essentially the same thing.

Check for private school nursery classes as well, zero requirement to commit to attending the school long term.

Alternatively can you plan any drop and go classes, swimming or ballet where you aren't in the room?

Imho the socialising with other children & more gradual introduction to getting used to being independent/in a bigger group without an adult one on one are the main benefits to preschool. The "education" side of it any good parent can do at home anyway - most nurseries are staffed by a high proportion of young people with relatively poor academic profiles & childcare qualifications aren't especially difficult to pass, the more important skills for the role imho are empathy, patience, and handling doing things with 4-8 young kids per adult rather than the 1 or 2 you tend to have as a parent.

Our school really weren't bothered by this as they said this was their role and instead focused on functioning fairly independently when starting school. Recognising their name on a peg, doing their own coat up, using the toilet on their own, being able to get their shoes on the right feet, opening packets in their lunch box. Basic things but things that mean they don't need help all the time.

This, but they also need to be able to cope, emotionally, with getting on and doing things with less adult attention.

Preschool is good because it adds a nice stepping stone between "at home with mummy & maybe 1 other sibling" and "in a class of 30 with only 2 adults". It helps children learn to get on with tasks and play without expecting an adult interactig with them all the time - essential for starting school.