To not send my child to nursery at all?

[Nilin]

Our childcare is currently covered by DH and I both working part time, plus grandparents.
We had intended to send our DC to nursery in January 2025, at age 3, for 2-3 days a week.
We have been trying since January to find her a nursery place thinking a year's notice would be enough- we were very wrong!
A lot of nurseries reported no places until 2026, only taking full-time, etc etc.
There are about 8 nurseries within a 30 minute walking distance and they are all a no, so had to widen search to one we could drive to.
We have had just one offer us a viewing- it's hard though as obviously I feel obliged to take it as we don't have another choice! It's going to be really awkward though when we work from home and commute by public transport when we do go in, to then get her in the car to get to nursery to then drive home and then head into work.
I did want DC to be able to socialise and make friends, but I'm now wondering if there would be any harm in just continuing our current arrangement until she goes to school? We go on lots of days out but we don't really meet up with children the same age. I could make more of an effort to attend a local playgroup regularly though so she is seeing the same people. I'm just keen to do right by her really.

I dontthink they mean toilet training, they mean taking themselves off sonewhere that's not a house and sorting themselves out.

I know plenty of kids who don’t go to nursery – either a parent at home, parents working flexi hours so juggle it or grandparents around to help. I include my own child in that (3 this year), but he does go to a lot of regular playgroups and classes. Perhaps just do that for now and save yourself the money!

Don't send her somewhere you're not happy with just because you feel you ought to. The current narrative around childcare massively undervalues the role of a parent in a young child's life - you can provide everything she needs at this age. Definitely consider more playgroups/forest schools/gym glasses etc if available.

My kids loved going part time to the lovely preschool attached to their primary at that age, but I couldn't have sent them somewhere I didn't feel great about, and I loved having a couple of days off to spend together.

Can I ask why you wouldn't take a full time school nursery place? It would be free as long as you both work more than 16 hours a week each, and grandparents could still be involved with pick ups, school holidays etc, as it would be school hours 9-3ish termtime only.

Having had my girls in private nurseries and school based pre school/school nursery, the later is so much better at preparing them for school, working on social skills, independence, routine of a school day.

I think it's beneficial for the social aspect, mat time, doing things in groups, listening etc. but not a disaster if you can't. When my DD started school, there were a few children who struggled with the transition, despite having been to nursery. It's a different place, different people, different routine (even if elements are more familiar to those who have been to nursery). I'd certainly try to get her in, but don't stress it or feel as though you've failed her if you can't.

When my DD was a baby she stayed with my mum when I went back to work. As she started to get older, she clearly craved and needed more social interaction and just MORE than my mum was able to give her.
She started at a pre school when she was 2½ just for a couple of half days which I increased gradually until she there 4½ days a week ready for school starting in the September.
Again, at that point she was really ready for school. She had some little friends, she could count to 20, she could write her name and read basic 3 letter words. It taught her the basic structure of a school day and it did wonders for her personally but it was all stuff that clicked with her.

I'd say don't rule it out but yeah, your child will survive if they don't go to a nursery. It might make the transition harder though when she starts school though.

The two children I know who have struggled the most with separation anxiety (which has developed into school refusal) both attended nursery from 9 months. Going to nursery doesn’t guarantee an easy separation. Some would argue that it forces a premature separation that some children can’t cope with.

But like I said it's nothing to do with learning. Its social interaction, being confident enough with adults to ask for help, being independent. Perhaps as your child was older he was okay with all this but a lot (not all) of 4 year olds won't be if they've never been in that position before (ie relying on someone other than family to help you).

To be fair, the OP's daughter isn't a baby though, do there is no comparison.

The current narrative around childcare massively undervalues the role of a parent in a young child's life - you can provide everything she needs at this age.

I'm a fan of decent childcare, my DC have both loved nursery. But this thread is more about preschool I'd say - education, not childcare. That's why provision is universal regardless of parents' employment status. The preschool year is a pretty typical point to enter the education system.

I think there is a lot of confusion about the different meaning of nursery/ pre-school in different parts of the world.
Just my experience, but all of mine stayed home with me except for 2 days a week at a pre-school ( 9-3) for the year before they started school at 5yo. No issues. Every child is obviously different.
I do think the UK starting age is very young for school, but people get used to whatever happens in their own country so if everyone is four years old when they start then everyone is in the same situation. At 4yo one of mine still had a bottle sometimes at night ( don't panic, he's just about to graduate with a double degree at 23yo. ).

Are you sure it would be £500 per month? If you both work, neither earning over 100k then full time at the school nursery would be covered by the 30 hours since FT for them will be 9-3 term time only.

Yes agree with this, I don't think it matters where DC are with literacy and numeracy when they start school. But being used to a classroom environment, socialising etc will stand them in good stead.

I think nursery is way better than GP childcare. If they both cost the same I suspect the use of GP childcare would fall off a cliff.

That's very different though. Evidence shows that a child should ideally be with a primary caregiver until 2 for emotional security, and should start at an early education setting by 3, so the ideal is starting after 2, and by 3ish. Starting either too early or too late is not ideal, although not always within a parents control

Why would it be better to leave them in that strange place with strange adults and lots of children at 1, 2 or 3? Surely a 4 year old will have more understanding about things like mummy will be back later, will be able to express themselves. Can a 1 or 2 year old really explain to the carers that they are feeling overwhelmed, tired, have a tummy ache or whatever better than a 4 year old can? Of course they can't.

I'm not anti nursery, mothers and fathers need to work and not everyone has the flexibility or family support to do it but to push the narrative that it is better than being with the people who love you while you are so young isn't reasonable. If you are from a happy, loving home being with your regular care giver is going to be ideal.

There is no need for nursery ... just enjoy the arrangement you have.

I also knew a child who struggled with the transition to school who'd been full time nursery since 9mth. But it might have been the school bus that little didn't like rather than school.
Big difference between a child going into nursery at 9mths and a child going into nursery/ preschools at 2.5-3.

I also don't think we can really compare to life in the 70s and 80s when Playgroups were a thing, the majority of mums were at home and they had time to do lots of what you'd now call playdates.

My elder two went to nursery but my youngest just didn't want to go so I didn't send him. It's made no difference to his socialising skills whatsoever. He's a happy chap with lots of friends in juniors and I had him home for that bit longer. Win win.

Where are you that there is no preschool ? are you in the UK ?

I was a SAHM and DS did not go to nursery till he was nearly 4. He only went then because it was the nursery attached to the primary school he was going to attend. However, He used to do play dates with other children his age two or three times a week. As for paying attention, holding a pencil, feeding himself , sharing and all that jazz, we taught him that at home.

But your youngest would have benefited from being around his older siblings, surely?

What about a school nursery/preschool? Even one at the primary school you hope to send her to? I’d be reluctant to have reception being the first time your child has been away from family in a setting like this, nursery gives a much easier run in.

I've had one child go to nursery and one not. Eldest DS was due to go to nursery at the height of the pandemic but we made the decision to keep him home instead. His younger brother went to nursery for a year before school.

Honestly, I don't see the difference it made. While eldest was a bit anxious in the early stages of school he soon settled and made friends. He never had a problem with socialising once at school but he did stuffer from some separation anxiety for about a month at the beginning of the school year. He's confident, excelling in school work and a very sociable wee boy with a good group of friends - even though it's only a little school.

My younger DS was more anxious about school AND nursery for months. He never fully settled at nursery and it took a couple of months to settle in school. He's only really come out of his shell at school now, almost 9 months after starting. He's naturally the shyer of the too even though he's had more opportunity for social situations. He does have friends and according to the teacher interacts really well with other children and staff.

My eldest probably coped better socially, academically and confidence-wise despite not going to nursery than his little brother did.

I don't think all children NEED to go to nursery. It definitely has it pros and cons and you just need to decide if it is worth it for your child - and your family.

Loads of places don’t have preschools. Where my parents live it’s childminder or ‘playgroup’ which is basically nursery. I thought preschool was an American thing until I had my own kids in a different area.